#56 – The Post-Christmas Sales

4 01 2010

The weeks leading up to Christmas were expensive but pleasurable for the bogan. Many bogans get drawn into the endless loop of trying to outdo their other relatives in terms of the scale, shininess, or brand naminess of their gifts. This, predictably enough, was funded by interest free credit card debt at a competitive 20% interest per year. Christmas Day came, the gifts were exchanged, the sugary parts of the Chrisco hamper were consumed, and bogans nationwide retired to their beds on the evening of the 25th, exhausted, broke, and contented.

This period of contentment lasted from 11pm on December 25, to 3am on December 26, when the bogan female pounced out of bed, a glimmer in its eye. Shopping time. The Boxing Day sales at department stores were due to start as little as two hours hence, and it is of vital importance to the bogan female that it heads the waiting throng. Once upon a time, Boxing day was associated with hosting alternate family gatherings, relaxing at the park with friends and loved ones, or getting kicked out of bay 13 at the cricket. Today however, it is entirely, resolutely, tied in with spending immense amounts of money for products no one needs at surprisingly negligible discounts.

The clock ticked past 6am. The lights were on in the store, there were employees milling around in there, but the doors remained closed. The bogans were growing increasingly agitated, united in their outrage at having their consumption delayed by tens of seconds. At 6:02, two security guards approached the doors from inside, and began instructing the bogan mob in how to gracefully enter the shopping centre.

Without warning, a particularly ox-like bogan female barreled at the door, and the security guards soon relented. The bogans surged, foaming at the mouth and desperately snatching at any item within a 2 metre radius of a sign saying “(up to) 70% OFF!” Skinny bogans wriggled their way between the fat ones, tall ones reached over the top, and the fat ones jutted their ample rumps outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious discounts.

On Boxing Day, the gladiatorial bogan is able to fight to impulse purchase items it does not want, at prices that are cheaper than what it won’t pay. It justifies this on the basis of being broke from Christmas, necessitating frugality, and any discount is by virtue of its discounted nature, a saving.  While all of the things it set out to purchase are either not on sale or already gone, the bogan is determined to not leave this feeding frenzy empty handed.

At 8:45am, the bogan limps out of David Jones, sporting a black eye, a torn t-shirt, and a David Jones bag containing an electric mango slicer, a Von Dutch bumbag, and a set of carving knives by a company it has never heard of, and can not pronounce. And only $220 poorer.


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37 responses

4 01 2010
Linda

love it!

im waiting for the two toned hair dying and the acrylic nails post! 🙂

4 01 2010
Paul Keating

Of course, even better is that they buy the items that are 15% discounted with a 22% APR store card that they are ‘paying off’ by paying the minimum balance every month.

4 01 2010
Tony

In my home town they used to literally push each other over to get to the bargains and at least one or two fist fights would occur within the shopping centre/mall.

4 01 2010
shazza

I’ll never understand this phenomenon.
ON another topic. I, just one hour ago, disembarked from a cruise. The ship was full of bogans, giving me an opportunity to observe up close the habits of the bogan family. Old time bogans more so than nouveau. And can report Billabong shirts are the new Ed Hardy. And that they treat the jaunt as a Sizzler on Sea experience, just classier coz they have cocktails.

4 01 2010
M E Nelson Esq

Shazza, your comments remind me of a river cruise on the Tweed River my wife, daughetr and I embarked upon during a family holiday last October. There was a mix of people on board; from OAP’s, foreign tourists and a few bogans. The river cruise included a seafood buffet and the bar was (stupidly) open from the time we stepped on board at 9:00AM NSW time / 10:00AM QLD time. One femme-bogue in particular decided that it was perfectly reasonable to drink Chardonnay for breakfast. She drank the entire time we were on board (4hrs), tranforming herself into the stereotypical loud, obnoxious disgrace we all have come to loathe. When she staggard over to us late in the day, tickled my daughter beneath the chin and slurred “She’s gorgeous, she’s a fucking button!”, showering us with spital from her ‘chardy breath’ and spilling the contents of her wine glass down my shirt, I was ready to throw her overboard! If only I didn’t have my daughter on my knee…

Lunchtime was a spectacle when the seafod buffet was served. It was like the Boxing Day Sales, as the bogans couldn’t get to the food fast enough; one almost knocking over a granny to get there first. They piled their plates up so high that there was hardly anything left for anybody else. It was like a circus a balancing act for them to get back to their table without dropping their crayfish and prawns all over the floor.

4 01 2010
shazza

That nicely sums up my last few days ME NE. I also note they don’t like good quality coffee, or spicy food. Though do enjoy creamy cocktails and still think doing ‘bombies’ into a public pool is hilarious fun.

5 01 2010
wino

I work in Coolangatta. She may have been the lady that was dropping the c bomb repeatedly in the middle of the street. Even as she was getting put in the police car.

12 02 2010
Louie

Poor wino. Knowing Coolangatta, you would see plenty of the female bogans in full flight on a Friday/Saturday night outside the Sands Hotel, although I’ve heard a few of them lately screech into their mobile phones “I’ll meet you at f*cking Oi-Baaaah!” The I-Bar seems to be the new Bogan night spot.

5 01 2010
Indi

Cruises, harbour or river, are always a bad idea, unless Signor Valentino invites you aboard his yacht. A party you wouldn’t normally go to and you’re stuck on a boat, with bogans, an all you can eat buffet and a Maori showband (if you’re really lucky). I lived at Rose Bay in Sydney for a while, and every weekend it resounded to a covers of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ and the like.

5 01 2010
M E Nelson Esq

Yes Indi, I now know to stay clear of river cruises. All we wanted was a nice, quiet family outing. I learned that one the hard way.

6 01 2010
shazza

I’m referring to the Cruise Ship at sea variety, not river or harbour. The big floating liners. Bogan nirvana.

5 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Shazza, I’m going to have to correct you. Billabong t-shirts are the OLD Ed Hardy. As you pointed out, you were observing the “classic” rather than nouveau bogan…

6 01 2010
shazza

No not T-shirts Fiona, proper dress shirts. If you have been following the fortunes of Billabong via the Business pages you’d know they are in bother. They have clearly decided to take on the Ed hardy look, as evidenced by the style and textile of the shirts I saw.

7 01 2010
Indi

Like bogans, farmers around thes parts love a cruise ship cause you get to go exotic places, but not have to eat the local food, and all your meals are included.

26 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

You’ll pry my Billabong (and Quiksilver) gear from my cold, dead hands.

26 12 2010
p'bee

well you are from the shire, billabong shirts are pretty much standard issue uniform.

4 01 2010
Olly

I find the ‘shopping as contact sport’ hard to fathom as well. I can imagine little worse than the frantic scrambling for non existent bargains. I’m waiting for the post on bogan financial planning. ie addiction to lotto. I’m constantly amazed at the amounts bogans pay, in the firm expectation that their numbers will come up, not thinking that if that money were invested over a number of years they wouldn’t need to win.

4 01 2010
Paddington

This is something that teams of anthropolists, sociologists and psychologists need to get together and study. I was at a newsagency during a particularly “massive” Powerball/OzLotto/GoldLotto/What-even-is-the-difference week, and a chap handed over $700 in tickets. $700. I don’t know how many tickets that buys, but the news agent was gobsmacked so I’m assuming it’s most of what he probably sells in a week.

5 01 2010
S-Man

The Queensland Health System used to be funded almost entirely on the profits of Lotto. Queensland, bogan paradise.

5 01 2010
Kylie

What a pity it still isn’t. Might be a bit better funded.

4 01 2010
Emma

YES a gold lotto post is so needed!!!

4 01 2010
berihebi

Nice to have my TBL fix back.

4 01 2010
berihebi

Yeah but Orstralia day is just around the corner…

4 01 2010
gavin

i can only begin to imagine what TBL will have to say about this one

5 01 2010
Indi

Where are youse from? It’s Uh-straya, love.

4 01 2010
Honest Matt

You forgot the returning of the unwanted gifts. The bogues forget/dismiss that someone ( A classic Bogan perhaps – the 35 year old Grandmother?) went to the time and effort to shop for, buy, wrap and present a gift to Shaqueal and Aurora. However, they already have the “Brats” range of G-Bangers for toddlers. Is there potential for placing unwanted gifts on e-bay as a TBL?

4 01 2010
j-ho

I made the mistake of going to a local electronics and whitegoods store on boxing day, (first and LAST time ever) to buy a laptop with a considerable discount. I could not believe the sheer amount of bogans with little items such as a rice cooker or juicer at a reduced price of only about $10 an item!? I would rather pay an extra $10 than put up with the hell of parking, heat and waiting in line…

4 01 2010
Bogan 101

I used to work at Myer and as such was on the front-line of the famed Bogan Day Sales. The only thing more infuriating than explaining why the 70% discount sign on the ground floor didn’t apply to the goods from the fourth floor was having the endless refund requests over the following two weeks.

4 01 2010
bec

The *horror*…

4 01 2010
brad

Even Colonal Kurtz couldnt stomach this madness

5 01 2010
Bec

Kurtz? He say “fuck this shit!”

5 01 2010
Annette

Thankyou TBL – “quivering exclusion zone” will ever be a part of my lexicon.

5 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

Living in a 1980’s housing estate in the West of Melbourne has given me intricate insights into habits of new age bogans. Most were married at about 21, and therefore are now fully cashed up to persue the bogan utopia of crass consumerism.

I am surrounded by jet skis, power boats (with original and witty names like “Scrotum”, or “While you’re down there” etc), fully sick black Falcons and Commodores, and the slack jawed adult bogan offspring with their overpowered P plated cars and equally looking vacuous mates as they congregate while drinking and swearing loudly.

Bogan Day Sales are particularily venerated and gives the bogan family unit a chance to do what they love best, dress inappropriately, and wander about a shopping centre/precinct, purchasing and consuming more unwanted and unneeded products, but, unlike most weekends, at a discount, while at the same time looking completely unsatisified.

They are either doing this or sitting with 15 of their mates in Bay 13 at the Test, all uniquely dressed as Old Ladies or Ronald McDonald, or with wife beaters and big straw hat wrapped in the Australian Flag, chanting the extremely witty “You are a wanker” (while pointing in unison at some hapless single bogan who has incurred the wrath of the mob) or attempting to start the always new, original, and highly entertaining “Mexican Wave”.

All in all Boxing Day is a bogan highpoint of the festive season.

5 01 2010
brad

“living in a1980’s housing estate in the West of Melbourne” lucky you grew up there then rather than now .I suspect you would have rather more traumatic insights to bitch about if you did!

5 01 2010
amr

Boxing Day sales….thankfully something we are not allowed to have here in CSI Adelaide.
Perhaps because 98% of the state would be in a Westfield all at the same time…..

11 01 2010
MissT

As a yearly attendee to the Boxing Day sales, I must say TBL – you’ve got it wrong! I’m always in the Sydney CBD going through the sales, and it’s not Bogans who are out there getting the “bargains”, it’s every other demographic under the sun.

Oh and I’m of asian decent – bargain hunting is part of the genetic makeup.

Bogans are too scared of the herds of asians and Indians that are out on sales day

12 04 2010
Ashley

Has anyone else noticed that everything is unusual when they roam the shopping centre’s?

Also I’m suprised nobody has commented on their use of the word evidentally every single time they want to gossip about something their fellow bogan has done. Oh and I found a facebook of an uber bogan over-plucked eyebrows and all.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Using-the-laptop-in-bed/95445955714?ref=sgm#!/brydie.miatke1?v=info

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