#53 – Their Pre-baby Weight

22 12 2009

It is increasingly apparent that bogans have a love of two distinct, but closely related things: celebrities (i.e. reading about, looking at, listening to, talking about, imitating etc.) and the appearance of health (i.e. thin (f) or huge (m)). And nowhere do these things collide more violently than in the guise of a post-natal bogan woman.

The logic, as the bogan understands it, is undeniable. Fat is unhealthy. Carrying a living being in your womb for nine months will tend to result in substantial weight gain. Ergo, childbearing is an inherently unhealthy thing whose effects must be reversed as rapidly and drastically as possible once the responsible offspring are removed and placental remains mopped up.

This belief is consistently reinforced as bogans gather to discuss the varying successes of relevant celebrity mothers who, with their vast fortunes, excessive spare time and cameras constantly aimed at their thighs, manage to lose about 30kgs within the week following childbirth. Seeing as, according to the bulk of the bogan mother’s reading material, celebrities are ‘just like us’, it is no stretch to imagine that this is how the body is supposed to work.

Thus, the bogan automatically reverts to a diet of shakes, egg whites and broccoli stems for three months, purchases a jogging stroller and effectively starves itself in an effort to return to the hallowed ‘pre-baby weight’. The true ideal, of course, is to actually revert to a weight that is lower than the week they neglected to take the pill. By this, they attain true celebrity status within their new mothers’ club – the most viciously competitive environment on Earth.

In an effort to defeat their rivals, these new bogan mothers will simultaneously deny themselves food while lactating furiously to empty their soon-to-be stretchmark-free mammary glands. At which point they can resume referring to them by their proper name, boobs. While almost all bogans have the desire to achieve this, many lack the will. The next best thing is to gaze longingly at New Idea and Woman’s Day, pining for the days that they featured in the liftouts in the middle of the street presses, pouting from behind a flirtini.


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65 responses

22 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I am my pre-baby weight. Because I refuse to have children of course.

22 12 2009
Linda

LOL! thank Gosh you are not pro-creating hahahaha.

22 12 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

yes, dont procreate, you are more vulgar than a roomful of southern cross baring bogans on a bundy blowout.

22 12 2009
Sanga

Yes. I think that’s how we got ourselves into this mess. The more cultured among us have stopped breeding, leaving the task of creating new Australians up to the ones who just do it for the plasma screen.

22 12 2009
Japester

This is the plot of “Idiocracy” and it’s somewhat chillingly prophetic. I’m above Boganity but I’m not breeding.

23 12 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

IVe never met anyone in my life that had a baby “to get da bonus”, no matter how down trodden they looked.I find the only people who believe in this massive underclass of baby machines for plasmas are those who watch too much Today Tonight.

23 12 2009
Emma

I don’t think so. Heaps of bogans I went to school with sit on FB and whinge about the price of everything and how they have no money left after buying formula and nappies, yet in their photos they have massive plasma screen televisions and surround sound and brand new couches…

11 01 2011
Louise

There are areas where families have what are known as 7 year babies ….. Australia only gives full single-parent benefits until kid is 7, then parents are expected to work at least part time, so they have 7 year babies. Kid comes to school 5 years later, not knowing their colours, never having seen a book, and never having had a conversation with an adult longer than “f**k off and don’t bother me Mackayla / Maddisynn / Jacxzen”……

22 12 2009
Right and proud

I think the true reason Fiona won’t have children is because nobody would have sex with her in the first place!

22 12 2009
Linda

ahahha!

22 12 2009
Lee

Right and proud, who ever said Fiona was a her?

22 12 2009
Rob

This one misses the mark. There’s nothing wrong with trying to live a healthy and active lifestyle.

Besides, trying to lose the baby weight is hardly confined to bogan women.

We’re not talking about “healthy” though, this is about doing profoundly unbalanced things to create a visual illusion of glamour, which at some point became disconnected from health. TBL

22 12 2009
Roni

Since we’re being serious for a moment…
My own obsession with losing baby weight was unhealthy enough for my milk to dry up. I refused to recognise I had a problem until my baby also started losing weight. This was decades ago when such a mentality was still considered abnormal – after all, the baby weight is there for a reason.

These days all variations of anorexia become ‘glamorous’ if a celebrity does it first.
It’s ridiculous. TBL is right to poke fun at it.

14 01 2010
Jillian

um hate to break it to you but most of the girls with eating disorders i know are all nice private school girls like myself.. they seem to be the ones that would do anything to get back into their size 6 “seven for mankind”jeans.. after the bub is out.. all the sloppy bogans i have come across think it’s ok to have their flabby guts on show..

22 12 2009
Indi

You are of course talking about ‘successful’ and ‘ambitious’ bogans. There’s precious little evidence of this attitude on the Border, where the wider community reigns supreme.

22 12 2009
Linda

This leads to the show “The Biggest Loser”. he main reason from the girls is, “I had kids.” Yeah blame the kids.

22 12 2009
Annette

Don’t assume that female bogans are lying to you – some of them are way too skinny, before they have young. That extra weight gained from childbearing/rearing (stealing the kid’s Samboy Atomic Tomato chips) is probably what keeps them alive and able to breed. And yet other bogans accept their muffin tops a little enthusiastically…

22 12 2009
Greg House

yep spot on Linda

22 12 2009
Tone

It’s almost like TBL are going through the motions this week until they get to Christmas Eve: TBL #55 – Chrisco. I’m sure that will be well worth the wait.

22 12 2009
berihebi

Push it fat bogan, push it!

I recommend the TT kick-start diet. Mmmm, two weeks of tomato soup, with a smoothy or two of course. It wouldn’t be a diet without a shake or smoothy.

22 12 2009
MolecularJJ

In my experience the bogan mother is loathe to “lactate furiously” as this may affect the form and firmness of the “boob” long-term. Little Jaxson will just have to make do with the formula.

23 12 2009
Kater

This is very true. I have worked in a large outer metro public hospital, and the bogans ALWAYS formula feed. This is because
a) even though breastfeeding is free, it can require a little effort and perseverence to get it going at the beginning
b) if you’re formula feeding you can go out and get drunk / stoned guilt free!
I am not saying that all people who formula feed are bogans, but the reverse is almost always the case!

22 12 2009
Robbie

This post is hillarious!!
Once the female bogan is back ‘in form’, she can proudly call herself a ‘MILF’ while she’s on a girls night out at ‘Panfers’, slutting on to some 20 y/o Ed Hardy wearing tradegy.

22 12 2009
wino

oh Jesus, a bunch ‘o skanks stealing oxygen on their big night out. Maybe like the one whose “ex has the kids” and asked me “how big my dick was.”
‘Cause that’s how you’re supposed to act.

“You old, she pregnant. I can’t be lettin’ no old pregnant bitches up in the club”

22 12 2009
Beck

Egad! What would our June Dally-Watkins say?

22 12 2009
Nagob the Anti-Bogan

This is something that distinguishes the Boganista from a third generation True Bogan. True bogans have no trouble reverting to their pre-pregnancy weight- it’s easy when you’re 16. That’s years, not dress size. And you’ll do it again before you’re 18.

22 12 2009
Beck

“Boganista”. What a fabulous name! I know just the person …

22 12 2009
Indi

And then you’re all set up for mother and daughter nights out, tryin’ to crack onto the bar staff.

22 12 2009
Emma

Heaps of bogans are the opposite to this, with their bottle feeding and excuses to be obese such as “my metabolism is slower now”, when it might have something to do with drinking Coke for breakfast and not eating healthy enough to be able to breastfeed.

22 12 2009
Tubesteak

Fat people are gross

22 12 2009
dizzy

fat bogans are worse

22 12 2009
Andrew Dolt

Is there going to be a post on the baby bonus?

22 12 2009
Shandarleeer

I’ve thought about making maternity shirts with slogans like “Where’s my plasma?” Especially for the teen bogan market.

22 12 2009
Beck

Fair’s fair, though. If there is to be a post on the baby bonus, TBL should also examine the first home-buyers’ grant – and all the incredibly wealthy people (and newly cashed up bogan investors) who signed up property in their toddlers’/children’s names so they could also cash in and get another investment under the belt. The essence of being a bogan – including this type of poor form – has nothing to do with income.

22 12 2009
dizzy

what about one on fake tan?

22 12 2009
Jamie

Of course making it back down to her pre-baby weight is an almost insurmountable hurdle for the febogan as she’s milked her pregnancy for all it’s worth and taken every opportunity stuff her faceful at the Smorgy’s Buffet, “‘coz, y’know, I’m eatin’ fa two now.” Ahem, more like 12.

22 12 2009
Shandarleeer

My mother drank black coffee until her milk dried up so she could formula feed us. She was very wise at 18. Explains a lot….

22 12 2009
Emma

Lol at Jamie, it’s so true. The baby is like 1/100 of the size of a real person, you don’t even need to increase your intake of calories until the third trimester but you get bogans eating and eating just because they want to. Then they blame the pregnancy for their 45kg weight gain.

22 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. RIP Britney. “Genie in a Bottle” was a great song.

22 12 2009
Paddington

“Genie In A Bottle” was a fresher-faced Christina Aguilera’s first hit; it was not one of Britney’s. As a music reviewer it’s necessary to have a knowledge of all forms of music, so don’t bother with your standard: “LOL only a bogan would know that”. It’s rather tired. And very much from the “I know you are but what am I” school of business.

22 12 2009
Bogan 101

I think this post is a little misdirected. Bogans don’t aspire to return to their pre-baby weight, that is a genuine middle-class pursuit. The Bogan recognises that a child not only locks in their partner for 18 years, but provides the perfect excuse to eat whatever they like and let themselves go.

We’re not sure how many times we’re going to have to point this out, but the nouveau-bogan menace is not a class-based problem. We do not ascribe various aspects of boganism to race, religion, income, class or career. Bogan is as bogan does. – TBL

22 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Middle class / bogan, tom-ar-to. / tom-ay-to.

23 12 2009
Peter of Kensington

As I have said before, the problem stems from the fact that ‘Bogan’ already has an established meaning in Australian culture. I understand (and partially agree with) what you are trying to achieve, but surely you did not believe your blog could redefine the Australian vernacular overnight.

Would you support me in starting a blog called ‘Things (insert racial slur) like’, as long as I also applied the word to unfavourable aspects of other races? What sort of audience so you think I would attract?

Actually, that could be a good idea if managed correctly….

22 12 2009
Robbie

Fiona Of Toorak/Elitist Mole, tom-ar-to. / tom-ay-to

22 12 2009
BoganHater

You should include bottle-feeding on your list. I know some unfortunate normal women have trouble breast-feeding their babies, but among bogans it’s very uncool to breast-feed. They want to get the baby on the bottle asap.

22 12 2009
Lee

Umm, a lot of new mothers actually have troubles with breast feeding and unfortunately formula is the only way to go so we can’t automatically assume that every bottle fed baby is one of a bogan mother.

22 12 2009
Simon of South Yarra

Very true, the nipple nazis say breast best whether it is or not

23 12 2009
BoganHater

Lee and Simon, can’t you read? I said I know some women have trouble breast-feeding. The difference with the bogan is that often they won’t even try. They want to put the baby straight on the bottle, preferably before they leave hospital. As Emma says, then they can go back to smoking – fag in one hand and feeding baby with the bottle in the other hand, usually at the same time.

5 01 2010
Annette

It’s true. Bogans have so many reasons not to breastfeed – ciggies, Jack Daniels, Bundies and Cruisers. Or so their boobs won’t stretch. Mostly it’s so the bogan can resume clubbing behaviour.

22 12 2009
Emma

He said that in his comment…

22 12 2009
Emma

It’s true. So they can drink and smoke and eat chocolate and whatever else they want.

22 12 2009
amr

Have read and enjoyed every post on TBL.

I am a little perplexed by this one though.

Here in CSI Adelaide, the unofficial bogan capital of AU, I have frequented the many shopping strips from the very expensive King William Rd to the very suburban Colonnades Shopping Centre in my time here.

I understand TBL’s response to Bogan101, but certainly from what I have observed there are three distinct types of mum displaying varying degrees of boganness (prolly not a word, but anyway).
The very overweight, the stick figure and those in between who ALL attempt to steer a Hummer sized Maharlia-Jade carrier into a coffee shop at the same time as 10 of their bogan baby wielding ‘friends’ (read catty opposition).
Bigger problem than the starving bogan mum trying to attain pre-baby weight status IMHO.
Perhaps I haven’t seen enough of this type in my travels, only about 70% bordering on obese and yelling obscenities at their offspring and blocking every coffee shop entry and exit instead….

23 12 2009
stamp

Febogan. Boganista. Wonderful new words for Webster’s next edition.
Back to the point. What about those who announce they are soooo glad to finally “get their body back”? Give me strength!

23 12 2009
Kater

You know, I love this blog.
But I’ve just had a baby this year, and I have to say that this one is a “miss” for me too.
I let it go for about 3 months after the baby was born, but it soon became apparent that some of the weight had fallen off immediately, but the rest was here to stay.
So, I had a choice. I could either accept my new dress-size and buy an entirely new wardrobe, or I could diet and exercise, and get back to normal.
I hear you that you’re saying “oh but we’re saying that bogans do it by starving themselves and being unhealthy” -well, I hate to break it to you, but the very physiological process of weight loss involves a degree of starvation. You need to force your body into gluconeogenesis, by decreasing your caloric intake and/or increasing your energy expenditure and thereby creating a need for the body to use some of your stored energy (fat) for its metabolic processes. A high protein diet such as the one you describe is an effective way of losing weight, and is not particularly unhealthy – after all, hunter-gatherer diets such as the traditional Australian Aboriginal one didn’t contain many carbohydrates at all.

I can’t really understand why you think people shouldn’t want to get back to their normal weight? I mean, you’ve given up so much for the last 9 months, and now you finally get your body back to YOURSELF, and I think part of reclaiming your identity (especially in the face of your new identity as a Mother – such a defined role in society!) is to start looking like yourself again. I am still me, so I’d like to look like me and wear my clothes again if it’s ok with everyone.

I have extensive experience working with bogans, and I think they are much more likely to claim the “I’m fat now cos I’ve got kids” , and then continue to grow progressively more and more obese, rather than go to this level of effort. I would also disagree that this is a bogan phenomenon. I have some very “la-di-da” friends (I know you’ve said this isn’t a class thing, but these people are in no way bogans) who do the same.

Also, as I’ve commented on above, the bogan does not breastfeed.

But, as I’ve said before, I love this site, and I’m happy to agree to disagree!

23 12 2009
BoganHater

Kater

I think you’re quite right. It’s a while since I had my last baby, but I also wanted to lose the weight – that’s a very normal desire. I beleive the absolute conviction of the bogan mother that “the bottle is best” is what defines them as mothers. The fact that breast-feeding enhances health and intelligence in the baby is of no concern to them. Health and intelligence? Why would a bogan baby need those when it’s just going to grow up to be a bogan anyway!

5 01 2010
Annette

Agreed agreed.

23 12 2009
James G

totally disagree with this one- the Ymmy Mummy is more the realm of the ‘kept’ woman whose stockbroker husband is the only one in the household to have ever done a days work. More likely to live in wealthy inner suburban areas where they can be seen either walking with a high tech pram (that looks like it would probably handle rugged terrain better than her BMW 4wd) wearing the latest in designer sporting apparel. When not walking the pram or doing pilates they tend to spend the days in the swankiest strip shopping part of the city shopping in exlusive boutiques that appear to have no more than ten items of clothing on sale at any time where no piece would leave you much change from $500. Of course the subject will never go into these boutiques unless she can park the said BMW 4wd directly in front of the store!
And this means she is not bogan how? – TBL

24 12 2009
James G

for a website that is normally right on the mark about the definition of ‘Bogan’ I’m surprised you cannot see that this is the exact opposite of bogan! BMW 4wd, inner suburban, stockbroker husband…..c’mon. Its not even ‘Banger’…

https://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/about/

24 12 2009
brad

Is it just me or do the tbl authors have an unhealthy obssesion with twisting natural heterosexual behavior into some sought of low base instinct maybe they’ve found something better?

Just you. – TBL

3 01 2010
Peter

Both James G and brad are quite wrong. TBL authors have regularly pointed out that one flanny wearing, mullet’n’WInnie blue brandishing type does not a bogan make. Plus, one of the most reassuring points of identification I receive from this site is the fact that there are other people who think along similar lines to myself. According to brad such thinking (or behavior) is not natural. Well, Brad, I beg to differ because for me much of the alleged natural behavior I see every day would be a totally unnatural and extremely uncomfortable way for me to behave.

3 01 2010
brad

the point im making James is that the authors seem very uncomfortable with behavior (ie a whole week dedicated to bogan weddings,baby names,pre birth weight) that is a reality for the vast majority of people at some point in their lives which is why they ridicule these experiences as their lifestyle choice generally does not include these things.I mean for fucks sake whats next-bogan births?, is there a cool way to give birth?

6 01 2010
Bec

The thing is that a lot of these trends are boganised on account of how celebritised they are. You can’t deny that there’s a correlation between the cost/array of wedding servcices and weight loss schemes and the rise of the prominence these things have in crap celebrity media. There’s naught bogan about getting hitched and having your beef Wellington with the extended fam – but there is about the stretch hummers and bridal party tandoori tans.

2 02 2010
boguealicious

Oh dear!! It appears I am a total she- bogue. I have madly starved and exercised myself down to pre baby weight three times thus far. I am currently having baby number four and plan to do it all again… better this then accepting my post baby wobbly self!! I do subscribe to the ‘eating for two’ theory whilst growing a little person, starting the moment I find out I am pregnant. I suspect it isn’t the lure of the plasma that keeps me pro creating, but the 9 months of eating whatever I like!! I will not, however, be getting my kids names tattooed on my body, I dont give my kids stupid bogan names, and I wait til my female offspring are old enough to ask before I pierce their ears!

24 02 2010
Rod Blaine

Okay, a chav, strictly speaking, rather than a bogan proper, but same ffing, innit:

“Coleen Rooney shows off her toned figure in bikini just THREE MONTHS after giving birth”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1253238/Coleen-Rooney-shows-toned-figure-bikini-just-THREE-MONTHS-giving-birth.html#ixzz0gP1H11sU

Love the use of ALL CAPS

15 03 2010
#105 – Plus-Sized Models « Things Bogans Like

[…] peruses the collection in front of it, picking up Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba (who is back to her pre baby weight) and an oddly emaciated Rebecca Twigley, continues to talk to its cohorts about how it wishes to […]

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