In the interim stage of the wedding day, as the guests trudge across country to attend the winery in rural NSW to get drunk on someone else’s dime, the bridal party head off to be photographed. For several hours. In several locations.
Because, in typical nouveau bogan fashion, paying a professional photographer to capture the special moments when the beautiful bride walks down the aisle, the new husband and wife have their first kiss or share their first dance are not enough. Oh no. The bogan couple to be want another 927 photos of them and their bridal party, taken in a variety of scenic and urban locations, featuring a dizzying array of poses and facial expressions and featuring every possible permutation of groomsman and bridesmaid.
After waking sprightly to apply industrial grade foundation and ‘product’ for the day ahead, the bogan wedding party’s first port of call is a non-descript, inner city beach. Flutes of Yellowglen Pink and golden microphones in hand, the party awkwardly pose for the two hundred photos, Juan the photographer capturing the bride’s Christine Aguilera pose and closeups of her gem encrusted hand and plunging neckline while the bridemaids frantically try to save freshly straightened hair from the marauding sea breeze.
Posing in the midst of a graffiti-lined inner-city alleyway lends the bogan couple urban grit and credibility, before they retreat to their neatly sterilised, graffiti-free apartment block of four-bedroom abode nestled comfortably at least 20kms from the nearest train station.
Waiting to snap the bride draped over the bonnet of the vintage Mustang, the wedding party make a quick stop at an inner city graffiti laden laneway normally derided for being full of ‘goths and fags.’
Next stop on their pictorial odyssey is the botanical garden. Here the couple play ‘hide and seek’ behind the 300 year old elk tree and the groomsmen don Ray Bans and adopt tough guy poses in imitation of their favourite action flick.
The final destination on the bogan’s filmic expedition is a building, preferably old looking, where the budding Aaron and Erin can pose in doorways. Here the bogan couple can also demonstrate their artistic bent, with the bride opening the curtains in a dark room to reveal the daylight –presumably symbolic of something, the groom ponderously staring out a window as if contemplating their future lives together (whilst actually wondering how best to consummate his marriage – doggy or missionary) or the Pièce de résistance of bogan wedding photography, the juxtaposition of a black and white portrait with a red inanimate object – the absolute ultimate in bogan Facebook profile images, until they have kids and can use them instead.
Although exhausted and $7500 out of pocket, the bogan couple are now ready for their special day… when friends and family descend on their new, outer-suburban display home to in two weeks time to view a slideshow of all 927 photos in all their excruciating glory.
Here are some others – sometimes words just don’t quite cut it.
On a final note, the staff here at TBL are heading off for the weekend to a particularly non-bogan music festival, and may or may not be in a proper state to post on Monday. Stay tuned!