#46 – Weddings: Photography

11 12 2009

In the interim stage of the wedding day, as the guests trudge across country to attend the winery in rural NSW to get drunk on someone else’s dime, the bridal party head off to be photographed. For several hours. In several locations.

Because, in typical nouveau bogan fashion, paying a professional photographer to capture the special moments when the beautiful bride walks down the aisle, the new husband and wife have their first kiss or share their first dance are not enough. Oh no. The bogan couple to be want another 927 photos of them and their bridal party, taken in a variety of scenic and urban locations, featuring a dizzying array of poses and facial expressions and featuring every possible permutation of groomsman and bridesmaid.

After waking sprightly to apply industrial grade foundation and ‘product’ for the day ahead, the bogan wedding party’s first port of call is a non-descript, inner city beach. Flutes of Yellowglen Pink and golden microphones in hand, the party awkwardly pose for the two hundred photos, Juan the photographer capturing the bride’s Christine Aguilera pose and closeups of her gem encrusted hand and plunging neckline while the bridemaids frantically try to save freshly straightened hair from the marauding sea breeze.

Posing in the midst of a graffiti-lined inner-city alleyway lends the bogan couple urban grit and credibility, before they retreat to their neatly sterilised, graffiti-free apartment block of four-bedroom abode nestled comfortably at least 20kms from the nearest train station.

Waiting to snap the bride draped over the bonnet of the vintage Mustang, the wedding party make a quick stop at an inner city graffiti laden laneway normally derided for being full of ‘goths and fags.’

Next stop on their pictorial odyssey is the botanical garden. Here the couple play ‘hide and seek’ behind the 300 year old elk tree and the groomsmen don Ray Bans and adopt tough guy poses in imitation of their favourite action flick.

The final destination on the bogan’s filmic expedition is a building, preferably old looking, where the budding Aaron and Erin can pose in doorways. Here the bogan couple can also demonstrate their artistic bent, with the bride opening the curtains in a dark room to reveal the daylight –presumably symbolic of something, the groom ponderously staring out a window as if contemplating their future lives together (whilst actually wondering how best to consummate his marriage – doggy or missionary) or the Pièce de résistance of bogan wedding photography, the juxtaposition of a black and white portrait with a red inanimate object – the absolute ultimate in bogan Facebook profile images, until they have kids and can use them instead.

Although exhausted and $7500 out of pocket, the bogan couple are now ready for their special day… when friends and family descend on their new, outer-suburban display home to in two weeks time to view a slideshow of all 927 photos in all their excruciating glory.

Here are some others – sometimes words just don’t quite cut it.

On a final note, the staff here at TBL are heading off for the weekend to a particularly non-bogan music festival, and may or may not be in a proper state to post on Monday. Stay tuned!


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55 responses

11 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

Don’t forget astride a dodgy mates Harley though never having actually ridden a motorcycle. Though I did go to a wedding recently where the bride was delivered to the ceremony by a shady looking character on a Harley, as if freshly abducted.

4 11 2010
Lola

Can we talk about the actual photographers for a second? These symbiotes are invariably fat, bald woggy dudes, or skinny eastern euro (czech?) weeds. The woggy ones are more likely to do the cheese shots, having recently leapt stylistically from seaside piers to aforementioned graffiti’d lanes without missing a beat. They seem to reside (in Melbourne) in suburbs like Carnegie, which is convenient because alot of their clientele hang out at Chadstone.

11 12 2009
Simon

My interpretation of that editor’s note at the bottom says the TPL folk are, ‘gahn to Mer’dith ta get on the piss!’ It’s all subjective of course, but is that really so unboganish? Just asking…:)

No doubt that’s where it’s headed, Simon. We’re clinging to our lovely little festival before it goes the way of Laneway… – TBL

11 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Or, in bogan speak, “just aksing”. It must be said that all music festivals are inherently bogan in nature.

11 12 2009
Indi

Bayreuth and Tanglewood included?

11 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Especially so.

11 12 2009
Indi

Even if you’re playing?

18 11 2012
Thomas

Fiona my dear old girl, you’re really pushing it a bit far badmouthing Bayreuth, It would be a rare bogan who could identify even 3 bars of Wagner (apart from the Ride of the Valkyries, which is associated with, I’m led to believe, some sort of softdrink commercial), let alone sit through the entire repertoire.

11 12 2009
Tone

After this week’s roller coaster ride that is the Bogan Wedding, one suspects there isn’t a dry seat in the house. Kudos, TBL!

11 12 2009
Gav

No mention of the honeymoon, or the divorce 6 months later after the bride learns of the wedding night fling with the maid of honour (after the bride fell asleep)??

Sorry, Gav, we’d love to cover everything that comes under the bogan wedding banner, but we only gave ourselves one week, which turned out to be massively insufficient! – TBL

11 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Give them a chance. Geez.

11 12 2009
Gav

I don’t want to sound ungrateful sorry it has been an excellent week. Like you say there is just so much material, I have a cousins wedding coming up soon, the mind boggles at the possibilites.. love your work guys

11 12 2009
Aimee

bogan weddings….the ultimate month long festival???

13 12 2009
Kaiks

@TBL – Perhaps you could have a first anniversary follow up next year. You could cover honeymoon, divorce etc. Hopefully, by then, you won’t become a place for bogans to visit and find the latest original trend.

11 12 2009
Tim

Can’t believe you folks forgot the mandatory snap of the bride showing her garter belt?

11 12 2009
Indi

Bridal glamour shots- gotta love it! Jeff Koons here we come

11 12 2009
shazza

What is the Apple story (in top shot) I wonder aloud? Is it an Adam/Eve thing? We all know how that ended. As if it’s not already taking weird to a whole new level.

11 12 2009
Kirk

Your website is generally funny, but this missed the mark.

There is nothing inherently bogan about bridal photos. It is something that bogans do to emulate sophisticates. Yet sophisticates also do bridal photos, and do them (shock) on beaches, or in urban settings.

By the way, if you weren’t a bogan you’d be going to the WhatIsMusic festival in Sydney. Of course, you’re not going there.

11 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You shouldn’t read this blog. It’s intent is clearly beyond you.

11 12 2009
R

Err, these posts of late are just things people like, not particularly bogan at all … diluting the bogan mythos in an attempt to keep up the content, I’m afraid.

Kind of the idea, R. There are many, many bogans. – TBL

11 12 2009
Kirk

You mean “Its”, I guess?

Poor grammar. A tier 1 bogan indicator.

11 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I stand corrected. I’m big enough to do that.

11 12 2009
Sam

grammar police = bogan

no real points scored for being anal about grammar, try and come up with something original please.

13 12 2009
Kirk

Grammar police = petty, I agree. But reacting to being told that this blog is ‘beyond’ me by someone without the simplest grasp of grammar does not make me a bogan.

Poor grammar bogan quotient far exceeds grammar police bogan quotient.

Seriously, calling someone ‘bogan’ is one notch better than calling someone ‘ignorant’. It’s what people say when they have nothing better to go with. This blog is somewhat funny but it has, as they say, jumped the shark.

13 09 2010
SneakiPeet

Agreed. This particular blog could apply to almost anyone who has been married. I also read a later blog where the suggestion is made that a bogan wouldn’t have a professional photographer at all – they would ask their neighbour with the ‘pro’ camera to save some money.

11 12 2009
Simon

I love the last photo, she has been “getting huge” for the wedding. Those arms are just perfect for dragging T-sha screaming from Seaworld when Tarqwin steals her Red Bull.

11 12 2009
Indi

Or getting ready for the dugong enclosure at Seaworld?
Manatee would be a nice name for a girl.

11 12 2009
Toddo

Can’t say I find the bottom 3 coastal photos offensive. The ‘tuck shop arms’ on the bride on the jetty are cute.

I am ashamed to say, that insisted that I wear my sunnies in my brother’s wedding shots, but I don’t like looking at photo’s of myself squinting, which I can’t avoid with the sun generally being behind the photographer.

Photos near the beach, or old buildings are OK, provided they are taken in humility. Even sitting on a car bonnet is OK if you are only having fun, and not seriously trying to look like something from a magazine on a lunchroom table at a construction site.

11 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

The tuck shop arms on the jetty bride don’t bother me, her dirty feet do though! That’s got to be a bogan thing, dirty-footed bride.

11 12 2009
Steve

agreed

11 12 2009
r.jett

You guys make me laugh. Meredith has been a big bogan piss fest for years now. alot of the bands that headline are pretty much mainstream. The lineup had MGMT last year. I’m surprised it wasn’t empire of the sun this time. I mean, when it gets mentioned in MX and the Feral-Scum you know it’s already a bogan paradise. not that they listen to the music really anyhow. It’s get out the ute, get pissed, smoke dope, be obnoxious, guys take of tops at the first chance. Then they jump at the chance to get in the nudie run for the golden undies so they can attend the next meredith for free. What a load of bollocks mentioning that it hadn’t gone the way of the laneway fest. It had already…long before st jeromes laneway fest even started. what a toss!!!

12 12 2009
Kirk

I guess, like the saying goes, ‘it takes one to know one’. A bogan, that is.

12 12 2009
chris of south yarra

your wrong.

13 12 2009
J-HO

I just got back from Meredith today, It is still very un-bogan . Although it will go the way of the bogan, it isn’t quiet there yet…

14 12 2009
Mindychops

I wish I could say the same. My Meredith experience was somewhat sullied by a king bogan contingent – THE FOOTY TRIP – camped next door. And playing shit music at all times.

Dear bogans,
There are other events that cater for persons such as yourselves. Now piss off back to Falls and leave Meredith out of this.
Kind regards,
Mindy.

14 12 2009
j-ho

i did see a few bogans though, just from a distance thankgod…

12 12 2009
Kirk

Yore wrung.

12 12 2009
Bron

You didn’t mention being photographed on the tram tracks in Melbourne. Collins or Top’o’ Bourke streets. Who thought of that one ? I saw a bride sitting at cafe table having a fag whilst queuing for their turn to be immortalised. No idea where the groom was. It must do the tram drivers heads in.

12 12 2009
chris of south yarra

Most people know a bogan , so it’s not hard to pick up on all there traits.

13 12 2009
Kaiks

I think most people have an inner bogan at least, better to accept it than suppress it.
All the ‘you’re a bogan’ accusations are riddling the comments, they’re gold (do I need to translate that?).

13 12 2009
Nifty

My wife was part of a wedding party that went on a seven hour photographic odyssey.

Beach
Running down the tram tracks on Collins Street (the non-bogan end)
The Escalators at Parliament Station
and others beside….

all on a 36 degree day.

And to this day, the bride and groom have not purchased a single photo.

13 12 2009
Kaiks

Great timing for the wedding week special, I just married in September.
Hopefully TBL will give us a great Xmas and new year treat. I think they will be forgiven if they are delivered with a delay as they might need to do some reasearch. Would love to see a Top Ten Bogan Gifts and/or Top Ten Places To Welcome The New Year.

13 12 2009
wb202

The bogans over at http://www.bogan.com.au/forum/index.php?topic=2288.15
are having a field day laughing at you lot and taking the piss…

wb202

Haha, trite. We like the part where the posters are calling to block people who don’t actually visit the site. Should work well! TBL

14 12 2009
Flan

Nothing to do with weddings, but maybe you could do a piece about how the bogan allows tabloids, like the herald sun, to dictate to them what to think. The current hate campaign aimed towards the world cup bid is both hilarious and tragic. It has the bogan angry about our shores being filled with dirty foreigners, if you strip down what the herald sun is trying to say.

14 12 2009
matt

HAHAHA your article is so true. And as if you needed any affirmation, but i went into a department store in Ipswich Queensland Australia, which would have to be a contender for the Bogan Capital of Australia, and what do I find slapped up on the wall in the canvas prints section of a local department store? Exactly the same photo that is in your Bogan blog!! Classic!! http://tinyurl.com/yd7b9w9

14 12 2009
Steve

What the hell were you doing in Ipswich?!

14 12 2009
Lexi

Oh, what about the bogan reliving their glory days for years by watching back the video/DVD of the wedding until their favourite scenes are burnt into the plasma screen?

9 03 2010
kathlock3

Don’t forget too that the bogan bride always has a strapless wedding dress on, and the close up photos show her clutching a huge bunch of flowers which render any expensive sequinning or beads on the satin bodice a complete waste of a thousand bucks.

Oh and the bogan bride’s arms – in the strapless wedding dress – are always bigger than two ham hocks, let alone the overlapping breast fat that either spills out over the top or gets pushed down below…..

10 03 2010
Cotopaxi y Carles

People from Newcastle will know about the ever-present wedding photography sessions that occur at the local beach baths…..

Because honestly what is more romantic than barnacle-strewn concrete and beach backwash?

2 11 2010
han

You also forgot to mention the alarmingly bogan-popular parasol shots. Yuck.

9 11 2010
Nat

Um, Lola, calling people wogs and skinny eastern euro weeds certainly does sound like the words of a bogan. Even if you do know what ‘symbiote’ means.

30 11 2010
GoldCoaster

This is great! I now know what photos not to have taken on my wedding day coming up soon. I hate photos anyway. We’ve got 1 hour and that’s it! I don’t care what the photographer or the Mothernator says.

12 03 2011
Lizzie

And of course there is the final stage of the wedding photography saga … having the photo blown up to A3 and mounting it in a very elaborate gilt frame. It is then hung in the formal lounge so that everyone knows just how perfectly suited and happy they really are. Sooooo classy.

8 12 2011
Victoria

Why do Bogan brides with tuck shop mum arms always insist on wearing a strapless wedding dress?

8 12 2011
Victoria

I like the photos of the old days when they were just the bride and groom and bride and groom and wedding party standing side by side smiling in a studio with maybe just a curtain in the background. Classy and classic.

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