#44 – Weddings: The Bucks/The Hens

9 12 2009

Following the financially and emotionally crippling odyssey that is the bridal freakout, the bogan moves onto the most awaited part of its nuptials. While the bridesmaids in a bogan wedding often fall victim to the tyrannical tantrums and hysterical breakdowns of their new overlord, one (the loudest and most single) will take the heat due to one simple privilege it grants them. The opportunity to anoint themselves the architect of the most important night of the process in their eyes: “OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod”. That’s right, the hen’s night.

This is the bridesmaid’s chance to assert its newly held belief that its single life is far, far superior to being wed. Her time to shine, and her chance to prove it by organising a spastic orgy of ridiculous, ‘sexy’ games, resulting in the bride-to-be dirty dancing with random strangers at a random CBD pub before passing out in a pool of its own vomit in the cab on the way home…

But, to backtrack a bit, this tendency is not isolated to the bride’s friends. A long-held bogan male truism is that, upon becoming married, the sex dries up. Notwithstanding that it may be because they no longer deem it necessary to engage in foreplay beyond ‘You awake?’, this fear, rarely mentioned among actually married bogans, has become acknowledged fact. Hence, the bogan buck’s night became synonymous with strippers. The best man will apply all of his considerable imagination to the task of organising, which tends to result in an event remarkably similar to Troy’s event a fortnight ago – paintball, pub for tea, strippers.

The groom-to-be’s friends loudly rally around the groom-to-be, bringing to its attention the impermanence of its sexual freedom with chants of “Go on, it’s your last night as a free and single man, so don’t be a poof, and let Candi do whatever she wants to you”. Candi, spurred by his inert curiosity, will proceed to prepare him for married life by covering him in cream and trying to shove a dildo up his bum.

Not to be outdone, however, the female bogan, in the name of ‘feminism’, decided that anything the blokes can do, they can do bigger, dirtier, smellier and lamer. All while wearing a feather boa, a ridiculous sash and pink plastic tiara. And drinking Bacardi through a straw that is hilariously shaped like a – wait for it – penis! Bogan bridesmaids have thus identified a plethora of methods to humiliate and degrade this peculiar brand of poultry. By booking a two-hour session where the hen can “learn sexy new moves” by repeatedly falling off a pole, the hen’s night is a curious inversion of the buck’s night aesthetic – men ogling at women turning into women wanting to be ogled by men.

The key message of the evening is that it’s the last chance that the bogan will ever get to party. This is despite the fact that the bogan remains irresponsible and impulsive for most of its lifespan, and is quite likely to divorce and experience at least one additional buck’s/hen’s night in its name in the future.

With this ritual dutifully carried out, the bogans are now ready to marry.


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37 responses

9 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Ugh, surely this can’t be remotely true? What sort of lives do the lesser people live exactly?

9 12 2009
Kat

Oh yes, it is true. Though I haven’t heard of the pole dancing lessons bit before – but it sounds just lame enough to be popular.

14 12 2009
Dave (or is it Davo?)

Yeah… my ex was dragged along to one of those when her sister got married

30 10 2011
June

Yes pole dancing lessons are definitely true. Where I live, we constantly receive leaflets in the mail “Book your hen’s night at Pole Princess”. It’s opposite Ringwood Station. No joke, these things are alive and well

9 12 2009
Indi

What can one say, but Fiona you need to get out more. the CBD is awash – quite literally at times – with these moveable feasts. I’m sure even Toorak Road has its share.

9 12 2009
Jamie

The female bogan will usually pash random strangers not merely at some CBD pub, but most likely at Club Retro.

9 12 2009
Robbie

I went to a work colleague’s wedding recently and the bride did have a ‘pole dancing’ event as part of her hens night…the subsequent pictures that were proudly posted on Facebook were vile to say the least.

9 12 2009
Gav

no mention of the bucks / hens shows at the horse races?? would have tied in very nicely with the previous melbourne cup entries..

9 12 2009
Locko from Perth

My sister married a total bogan with the bucks “day” commencing at the races with a marquee of sorts set up near the racing track finish line. After a few hours of amber refreshments the true boganism arose & if any of the bucks party lost their hard earned on a horse the horse and its jockey were abused at the finish line; what little scamps!

To round up a day of utter embarrassment the bucks show continued at my brother in law’s home complete with strippers which I graciously turned down in one of Perth’s premier bogan spots; red Commodores & Hyundais as far as the eye could see. One day of bogan exposure was quite enough.

Unfortunately for my sister the bogan breeding has continued in the form of two little Shazza’s so the cycle continues.

26 11 2010
JPAMAR

That is almost identicle to my bux night organised by my bestman…started at Ascot (no jockey abuse or marquee), finished in the foothills of Perth (Pure bogan central) with 4 different girls over 4 hours then a 2 girl show to finish off. This is obviously a common thing.

9 12 2009
Emma

This hits the nail on the head… the penis straws, tiaras, paintball, 3 park superpasses and strippers/pole dancing lessons. LOL LOL LOL!!! Honestly… and there’s always photos, uploaded to facebook. It’s pathetic.

9 12 2009
stamp

I wonder if they wear paper plate hats with the bows from the gifts attached to it?

9 12 2009
Kat

“the hen’s night is a curious inversion of the buck’s night aesthetic – men ogling at women turning into women wanting to be ogled by men.”

So funny. It’s all about display and the attention isn’t it. LOL

9 12 2009
Olly

Surely ‘LOL’ is a surefire boganism

9 12 2009
Steve

Surely, incorrectly identifying a “surefire boganism” is a surefire boganism.

9 12 2009
Indi

sweet as

9 12 2009
Simon

Agree Olly.

10 12 2009
Muz

Agree Olly, agree Simon.

10 12 2009
Kat

It’s been around a long time before the bogans got hold of it. They get hold of everything in the end. LOL

9 12 2009
shazza

You forgot to mention the screaming at innocent alfresco diners whilst hanging out of the sunroof in the limo.

9 12 2009
Robbie

I know this is a little off the wedding topic but I think I’ve found the next ‘big thing’ that bogans will latch onto….

http://www.news.com.au/travel/porn-star-karaoke-at-sardos-grill-lounge-a-hit/story-e6frfqai-1225808169224

9 12 2009
Simon

Olly, on the money.

9 12 2009
RickJames

Inane drivel at best. I’m glad the emo’s have found somewhere to comment. Congrats.

9 12 2009
Olly

Terrible punctuation. Clearly a bogan

13 12 2009
RickJames

How quaint.

13 12 2009
Lee

Punctuation naziism, clearly a bogan.

11 12 2009
Pistola

Don’t be like that Rick, you’re not the only one who’s had the dildo up the bum.

9 12 2009
Mully

Don’t forget the hot pink veil worn by the bride-to-be. I believe it’s usually adorned with open condoms (so they look used of course – classy) and for some god-forsaken reason, tampons.

The pink makes it ‘glam’ you know.

10 12 2009
Nifty

My wife had her hen’s night at our house. For weeks afterwards the only drinking straws in the house were shaped like a throbbing member. I confronted some demons in those week…..

11 12 2009
Sam

Do you regularly use drinking straws at home? How strange.

12 01 2010
Jules

I was invited to a hen’s night cruising the yarra with stippers onboard. The hen’s aunties loved it, squealing and grabbing at naked men. It made me throw up in my mouth a little

27 01 2010
Ronan

We even get Hens doing poker nights just to prove it is not just bucks night poker. They are often as good or if not better poker players than the men.

4 02 2010
S

I went to that hen’s night a few months ago. The writer of this blog must have been there too.
Right down to the ridiculous sash, pink fluffy tiara and penis shaped straw.
We didn’t pole dance, but there were other crude and rude games, like “make the groom’s penis out of plasticine” and “who can get the tampon in the bottle?”

I feel ashamed.

12 11 2010
Hens Night Idea

Nice… Nice post…

19 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I’m planning my best mate’s bucks night which is happening in two weeks. How can I keep it bogan enough for the rest of the party but not so bogan that I can never return?

(BTW: We’re starting at a football game, to give you an idea of what we’re working with).

11 08 2011
jb

ahh let out your inner bogan and go for it… you dont have to walk around drinking cups of tea and looking like you have a pole up your arse

16 05 2012
whistler

Haha its a joke reading the comments from the frigid losers!! Whats wrong with paintball, drinkng and strippers!?

At least bogans have fun, jesus christ!!

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