#42 – Weddings: The Courtship

7 12 2009

She was already in white when they met. It was serendipity. Their eyes locked across the cavernous room that housed Sensation™ White at 3am. It was hard to look away. This was, in part, due to the extreme dilation of their pupils. He began to walk across the room, before accidentally shouldering some guy called Lance, who took umbrage at his inability to navigate a swarming sea of pristine, Napisan-ed bogans, and tried to glass him with his half- empty Corona bottle. Eventually he finds her, and they fall into each others’ arms. They share their thoughts on how loud the music is, and how fucked they are.

Flash forward two years, and they stand silently, downcast, in his parents’ en suite, staring morbidly at the home pregnancy test, as the litmus stick turns a sinister shade of blue.

Flash forward another month, and they sit in the audience of Deal or no Deal. During the ad break, Andrew O’Keefe wanders over to where they sit, addresses the couple, under the guise of generic crowd banter. Suddenly, his expression changes, and a glint appears in his eyes. He takes each of their hands, and places one in the other. The bogan male falls to his knees, fishes around in his jacket pocket, and retrieves a purple (velvet) jewellery box.

A.O’K glances mischievously at her and says ‘Aaron, is there something you want to tell Erin?’, as the bogan stares earnestly at her. ‘Yes Andrew. There is. Erin, I’ve loved you ever since we locked eyes at Sensation™. Will you be my beautiful wife?’ She stands, hands to her mouth, as the crowd chants ‘Deal! Deal!’ She says yes. Tears are shed as A.O’K struts back triumphantly to his lectern and announces, on national television, that his guests are now betrothed, to rapturous applause. To this moment, is the high point of both of their short lives.

The camera zooms in, focusing on the glittering stone newly placed on Erin’s ring finger. It is a shining clear gem, the size of her pupils all those years ago. After the cameras have stopped rolling, she says ‘Forget, cut, colour and clarity…I just want carat!’ The male, meanwhile, has descended into an insolvent abyss, as he contemplates the alarming synchronicity of the ring’s repayment schedule with that of his plasma screen TV.


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28 responses

7 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. OK, perhaps you’re back on track. 🙂

7 12 2009
Benjamin

Thanks guys, I needed a laugh.

7 12 2009
Robbie

I’ve started looking forward to the TBL site everyday now for a bit of a laugh!
I happen to work at a club in western Sydney that I think would be classed as the ‘Bogan Nirvana’ and I would have to say that this site is pretty spot on in it’s observations and predictions…right down to the ‘Ed Hardy’ wearing boguns screaming ‘Your SEX is on Fire’ as the song is on rotation every hour!

7 12 2009
Right and proud

Which club? Mounties? Panfers?

Lol at the bogan courtship. Having a bun in the oven outside of marriage -whatever is good enough for celebrities is good enough for the bogans too!

7 12 2009
FT

Since when has having a child outside of marriage a purely bogan phenomenon, Right and Proud?? In this day and age, it’s completely socially acceptable to have children before marriage. In fact, it has been for a long time. Whenever you want to join us in the 21st century, let us know.

7 12 2009
Indi

It’s the ‘parents’ ensuite’ rather than out of wedlock which is the telling detail. Pre-marital sex and unplanned pregnancies are no respecters of wealth, taste or moral stance.

8 12 2009
Right and proud

Ding ding ding. Indi’s on the money.

7 12 2009
Tone

Why else do you hear many bogan kids being referred to as ‘little bastards’ whilst misbehaving their way to their first AVO for pushing over some other little bogan at the local Macca’s playground?

7 12 2009
Lauren

Oh Mounties. I worked there for two years and seriously the place is FULL of bogans. I wonder if they’ve got rid of that Godawful cave yet?

7 12 2009
Kris

you forgot to mention that it will be a shhhhh…. ‘SECRETS’ engagement ring.

7 12 2009
BennyC

Love you erin!

7 12 2009
MEN

Awwww, I love youse too and that! I reckon we could make an alroight go of it but!

7 12 2009
Tony D

How can I wait all week for this story to play out?! argh…

7 12 2009
Steve

My partner and I went to a bogan wedding a short while ago and it made us further resolved not to have a wedding to ‘celebrate’ our future marriage. The bogan wedding has tainted all that was once-upon-a-time about love and committment. So, it is off to the registry office with us! No guests, no second-class string quartet playing cycle after cycle of 90s love hits, no pretensions to a celebrity lifestyle!

…oh, another thing to note is how EXPENSIVE these bogans’ weddings can be. The one (and hopefully only) bogan wedding we went to cost just over $40 000!! And it was incredibly tacky/plastic.

7 12 2009
Indi

But go to Manhattan to do it – tell nobody and have a proper adult time.

7 12 2009
brad

what a tight arse good luck with that

8 12 2009
Jasper

Cheer up

20 05 2010
TheMon

The more expensive the wedding, the less likely it will last very long..

7 12 2009
Chris of south yarra

jesus i lol’ed after i read “and tried to glass him with his half- empty Corona bottle”

7 12 2009
Jodie

Love this one. And you JUST KNOW that they’ll have their bucks’ and hens’ nights at Crown Casino, at which she’ll wear a fluorescent veil with plastic dicks on it and later in the night he’ll end up naked, smeared with Vegemite and handcuffed to a post at Flinders St station. Then, at the wedding itself (held at a tacky suburban reception centre, natch), they’ll have an 80s cover band, a cupcake cake and a wishing well into which guests are expected to deposit money. A drunk bogan bridesmaid will sleep with a drunk bogan groomsman, she’ll get pregnant and the cycle will continue. Ah, l’amour.

7 12 2009
stamp

Jodie, you have made my day! I am bol. That’s “bent over laughing” for those who need a translation. Smear me in vegamite!

8 12 2009
Right and proud

It sounds so much like season 1 of ‘Kath and Kim’!

8 12 2009
bogankings

you are on the money jodie, even better than the TBL web page. Trance parties like rainbowserpant sensation and belfast those hard dance melbourne shuffle idiots have become bogan heaven. mereidith too sadly.

9 12 2009
reflux

Going by the comments that are frequently left here, its only a matter of time before ‘things bogans like’ becomes one of the things bogans like.

9 12 2009
Steve

Yes, I may be starting to agree with you. There is such a fine line between bogan and non-bogan. I don’t know who we are anymore! *runs screaming into the distance*

15 04 2010
Nick

This is a really well written website.

23 08 2010
ktime

“Eventually he finds her, and they fall into each others’ arms. They share their thoughts on how loud the music is, and how fucked they are.”

classic!!

17 06 2012
Chris

I saw a photo on Facebook the other day of the wedding of a girl I went to school with. On the morning of her wedding, a photo of her half dressed (veil attached) eating a Whopper burger while texting. All class.

Their wedding reception was in the backyard and involved them dressing down and getting absolutely smashed off their faces.

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