#38 – Finding God

2 12 2009

After the hundreds of dollars and dozens of seconds invested into its inspirational self-help library, the bogan eventually begins to wonder whether the pro-active mindset advocated in the books is really practical for it. A lifetime of blaming other people for its predicament is not easy to break free from, and it has become quite cosy. But the existential angst remains: who am I, what is the meaning of the world around me, and why do the cops keep stopping me from breaking all of the rules?

Two common responses occur. The first one is to finally get one back at the cops by becoming a thuggish police officer. The bogan gains the dizzying power over the world that it has always craved, and abandons its previous mateship values to take delight in throwing other bogans in the back of the divvy van and intimidating them with the prospect of unrequited violence. The bogan police officer is the God of its local domain. A community pillar of weaponry and bias.

The second response is not to become a local God, but by seeking to discover a universal god. A God that will enable the bogan to hand back the responsibility for its own circumstances that it briefly clutched in the form of self-help books. Often, even the local God bogan police officer becomes unsatisfied without a universal God. The police bogan gets in its patrol car, and goes in search of a higher God. Doors get knocked upon, interrogations are had. The police bogan hears eyewitness accounts from those who claim to have seen God, but feels as though God is as far away as ever. The details remain sketchy, with occasional night sightings by shady looking characters, and older people recounting the miracles that they saw performed by God. The police bogan is transfixed by his pursuit; it dominates his every waking hour.

One February day a few years ago, the police bogan finally discovered God, high on heroin in a hotel room, and standing beside a tragically deceased 20 year old devotee. The police bogan has found a higher power to blame something on, and on the evening news that night, the rest of the nation united against Gary Ablett.



34 responses

2 12 2009

Why isn’t Gary Ablett Jnr called Jesus?

2 12 2009

Jesus had hair.

9 12 2009

^^^^ hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

2 12 2009

And after they find God, they go on Australian Idol.

8 12 2009

Amazing call.

2 12 2009

The emergent pentacostalism in Australia is directly attributable to the creepy neocalvinist, just-world-fallacy-lovin’ nouveau-bogue. It is a brand of theology perfectly palatable to those who believe that they are happy, comfortable and safe because of indeterminable personal merits they must have; those undesirables who are sick, poor, homeless or fat deserve their fates because they are lazy, stupid, etc.

The Christian right owes a great debt to ‘The Secret’, and vice versatile: without that common and attractive thread of narcissistic self love, neither would have reached fever pitch.

2 12 2009
Harold Holt's Floaties

Spot on – the teachings of prosperity practiced by certain pentecostal churches really seem to fly in the face of the humility of Christ.

Matthew 21:12-13 says ‘And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers and the seats of them that sold doves, and said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

Dont see anywhere in that where Jesus would advocate setting up a gloria fucking jeans in the church foyer.

2 12 2009

Most distasteful moment in recent memory was discovering a gift shop in the foyer of one of those shitteous American style megachurches. Favourite item was the mock Chanel handbag in the shape of the Jesus fish.

This is why Al Qaeda hate us.

3 12 2009
harold holts floaties

I agree with your post, however who cares what Al Qaeda hates? Al Qaeda hatred has nothing to do with rational thought. They even view Shia Muslims as apostates, so handbag shop or not a Christian church is also a house of apostates. The position of religious extremists is not a position arrived at through logical thought.

3 12 2009

I was aiming for hyperbole, but… er, okay…

2 12 2009

You’r right the scenario is much more about God paying the newly religious special attention after they find Him. It is always capital aitch Him. To paraphrase JFK: ‘Think not what you can do for God, but what God can do for you!”

18 10 2017

No Bec, the Christian Right was like that well before ‘The Secret’ came into being. I doubt that fundies would be into it anyway given its somewhat pagan/new agey roots.

2 12 2009

Hmm. Well, they can’t all be gems.

2 12 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed. For every diamond, there’s bound to be quite a few lumps of coal…

2 12 2009

Ah. Now I understand the significance of #36 and #37. Combined with #38, we end up with the Unholy Trinity of Bogan Self-Actualisation. Now there’s a scary thought.

2 12 2009

Of the spearmaking & drumming workshop “I am Wayne, Son of Shane!’ variety must be next.

2 12 2009

I am a Christian, and while many Christians do live in family friendly outer suburban areas, most of my friends would be too educated, industrious and selfless to be bogans, and most have discarded their T.V’s, so wouldn’t know how to be bogans. (allthough one bloke from Church likes to wear a Holden racing team jacket. )
My brothers and sisters would prefer the Bible over the latest Kmart Catalogue.

Hands off Christianity. Why not ‘Things Bogans Like………….Driving up to hills to get closer to nature, then sitting in a river in your jeans, before smashing a beer bottle on the nearest rock’

2 12 2009

The question HAS to be asked: is your brother’s name Rod?

3 12 2009
harold holts floaties

Hi Toddo,

My beef isnt at all with Christianity, what annoys me is the new pentecostal version of Christianity which seems to dovetail with materialism. I respect the concept of the humility of Christ, his idea that we are all human, we are all brothers regardless of our social standing. Its this prosperity idea that annoys me, its a total bastadrisation of the teachings of the bible. i have to laugh when i see the hillsong types – as the old adage goes, ‘ Jesus wept!’


3 12 2009
Anonymous Bosch

Toddo – since this site is basically about taking pleasure in pointing and laughing at negative class stereotypes, I’d have to ask why a self-confessed Christian would be frequenting it to begin with, since it seems rather unkind and uncharitable of you, and goes against the teachings of that stupid book you believe in.

3 12 2009

And there it is.

Unfortunately, just as a level-headed discussion begins to explore an arena, the internet has to find someone who can’t wait to get personal and push their pre-existing agenda.

Perfect case in point: harold holts floaties manages to disagree, holding differing personal views, whilst remaining respectful and intellectually engaged. In comparison, Anonymous Bosch can’t wait to weigh in with some targeted slagging, disregarding both the article and the content of the original posted reply, in order to fire off a quick “I reckon all youse Christians are dumb, hey?”

I’m all for debate and constructive argument, but it seems that in the online community, it’s more fun to discard that in favour of abuse.

And as for the question regarding why a Christian might be frequenting such a site, could it be that perhaps away from the foaming mobs of zealous fundamentalists and stoic majorities of traditionalist conservatives, some of us actually… think?

Nah. That’s about as likely as a Muslim not wanting to blow himself up, right?

PS – Bec? Gold. Just solid gold.

3 12 2009

Why hands of Christianity? It’s absurd. Religion (not just yours, the “wrong” ones too”) teaches us to embrace ignorance. Ignorance is the temple of the bogan. Therefor you are a bogan. In the words of Nelson Muntz “Haha!”

4 12 2009

Christianity’s a fair target. Any religion is for that matter.

Religion is nothing more than an adult version of Santa Claus.

2 12 2009

I’ve always seen modern Christianity in the Hillsong flavour as a natural evolution of religion to fit modern life. i.e., whatever shape of religious belief best suits today’s bogan is the one that will survive.

It’s perfect because it offers salvation for absolutely no effort – no rituals, no sacrifices, no giving up things you like to do. Just telepathically declare your belief in a sky daddy… “McReligion”.

3 12 2009
harold holts floaties

very true mate, well said

2 12 2009

nice pic of brissy there

2 12 2009

ooooh interesting post

3 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

Hillsong seems a good place for the many Catholics who find it too inconvenient to follow the medievel practises of their faith. Unless it’s for the wedding or christening and you want that fancy church for a venue, of course.

3 12 2009
Dave (or is it Davo?)

No idea why more Bogan’s don’t become Mormons, cause if you’re a really good Mormon you can become a god of your own world.

3 12 2009

Is it the ties and short sleeve shirts?

3 12 2009

It has become apparent to me of late, alot of drug dealers have formed a sort of psychological God complex, they feel because it’s the “festive season” they can charge twice the price for a product that’s only half as good as usual, say they’re 20 minutes away but leave you waiting for another 4 hours….. I do believe the bogan such as myself really does need to find the one true God and leave the uneducated, under skilled assholes that need to buy Nintendo wii’s for the 12 or so kids they’ve accumilated Atleast then we can have our drugs and still afford a Christmas card for the old lady.

9 12 2009

try oxycotin (aka Hillbilly Heroin) my friend… the doc’s will prescribe it pretty easily

2 01 2011

I love the surrealist narrative that is “the police bogan’s” search for God. Well Written.

9 02 2011

In my experience, most bogans I meet are of the ‘I’m agnostic’ category. It is a simple answer that implies they fully understand what it means and have given it considerable thought.

Of course, most of the time it really means that they haven’t researched spirituality enough and this is a nice big word to say that with. Agnostic – it sounds smart and it isn’t something like Christian or atheist!

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