The Secret is possibly the ultimate bogan film/book. It moves beyond mere self-help-ery, into an extraordinary realm of bogan literary utopia. First, it dealt with the bogan’s need to see the film before reading the book by simply releasing the film before the book ever even existed. Second, it offered a vision of the bogan dream. Most self-help books encourage the bogan to ‘grab life with both hands’ or ‘visualise success’. Not The Secret. The Secret has a secret.
What is the secret of The Secret? The bogan is in on the secret, and has found nirvana. The Secret, as described in the film, is the “Law of Attraction”. This principle posits that “feelings and thoughts can attract events, from the workings of the cosmos to interactions among individuals in your physical, emotional, and professional affairs.” Even better, the film also suggests that there has been a strong tendency by those in positions of power (aka ‘the man’) to keep this central principle hidden from the public.
This successfully targets so many bogan pleasure points that it is truly shocking that there hasn’t been some kind of mass bogan uprising insisting that The Secret become enshrined in the national constitution in some manner. However, awesome bogan conspiracy theories, utter focus on material gain and film/book chronology notwithstanding, The Secret requires only one of its many wonderful traits to reach such incredible levels of awesome. And remember, it’s a secret.
Here it is: if you (the bogan) want something…think reeeeeeeeal hard about it. And you’ll have it! There it is. This is the perfect bogan thing of all time. It is interest free deals to the power of maximum times infinity. In essence, the powers behind The Secret are charging bogans to think. Hence, the bogan may think really, really hard, say, (in the words of the good folk at reason.com) about vigorously cavorting with Salma Hayek on a soft, fluffy bed of Google shares, and they will emit a magnetic signal to the universe that will make their vision a reality.
Now, we could continue mocking The Secret in an attempt to be funny, but perhaps instead we will merely quote – verbatim – the processes outlined in the film (and subsequent book) and let it bring the funny for us:
Step 1 – Ask. Know what you want and ask the universe for it. “This is where you need to get clear on what it is you want to create and visualise what you want as being as ‘real’ as possible.”
Step 2 – Believe. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way. “Focus your thoughts and your language on what it is you want to attract. You want to feel the feeling of really ‘knowing’ that what you desire is on its way to you, even if you have to trick yourself into believing it – do it.”
Step 3 – Receive. Be open to receiving it. “Pay attention to your intuitive messages, synchronicities, signs from the Universe to help you along the way as assurance you are on the ‘right’ path. As you align yourself with the Universe and open yourself up to receiving, the very thing you are wanting to manifest will show up.”
The bogan puts down the book/DVD and sits back, leaning back into its LazyBoy, gazing at the ceiling. Thinking. Hard. Thirty-five seconds later, after its penis fails to grow, it scoffs disgustedly, gets up, and walks away, and it thinks about what it can possibly do next…