#37 – The Secret

1 12 2009

The Secret is possibly the ultimate bogan film/book. It moves beyond mere self-help-ery, into an extraordinary realm of bogan literary utopia. First, it dealt with the bogan’s need to see the film before reading the book by simply releasing the film before the book ever even existed. Second, it offered a vision of the bogan dream. Most self-help books encourage the bogan to ‘grab life with both hands’ or ‘visualise success’. Not The Secret. The Secret has a secret.

What is the secret of The Secret? The bogan is in on the secret, and has found nirvana. The Secret, as described in the film, is the “Law of Attraction”. This principle posits that “feelings and thoughts can attract events, from the workings of the cosmos to interactions among individuals in your physical, emotional, and professional affairs.” Even better, the film also suggests that there has been a strong tendency by those in positions of power (aka ‘the man’) to keep this central principle hidden from the public.

This successfully targets so many bogan pleasure points that it is truly shocking that there hasn’t been some kind of mass bogan uprising insisting that The Secret become enshrined in the national constitution in some manner. However, awesome bogan conspiracy theories, utter focus on material gain and film/book chronology notwithstanding, The Secret requires only one of its many wonderful traits to reach such incredible levels of awesome. And remember, it’s a secret.

Here it is: if you (the bogan) want something…think reeeeeeeeal hard about it. And you’ll have it! There it is. This is the perfect bogan thing of all time. It is interest free deals to the power of maximum times infinity. In essence, the powers behind The Secret are charging bogans to think. Hence, the bogan may think really, really hard, say, (in the words of the good folk at reason.com) about vigorously cavorting with Salma Hayek on a soft, fluffy bed of Google shares, and they will emit a magnetic signal to the universe that will make their vision a reality.

Now, we could continue mocking The Secret in an attempt to be funny, but perhaps instead we will merely quote – verbatim – the processes outlined in the film (and subsequent book) and let it bring the funny for us:

Step 1 – Ask. Know what you want and ask the universe for it. “This is where you need to get clear on what it is you want to create and visualise what you want as being as ‘real’ as possible.”

Step 2 – Believe. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way. “Focus your thoughts and your language on what it is you want to attract. You want to feel the feeling of really ‘knowing’ that what you desire is on its way to you, even if you have to trick yourself into believing it – do it.”

Step 3 – Receive. Be open to receiving it. “Pay attention to your intuitive messages, synchronicities, signs from the Universe to help you along the way as assurance you are on the ‘right’ path. As you align yourself with the Universe and open yourself up to receiving, the very thing you are wanting to manifest will show up.”

The bogan puts down the book/DVD and sits back, leaning back into its LazyBoy, gazing at the ceiling. Thinking. Hard. Thirty-five seconds later, after its penis fails to grow, it scoffs disgustedly, gets up, and walks away, and it thinks about what it can possibly do next…


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31 responses

1 12 2009
Tone

FFS, has you guys run out of ideas already? I thought we tore this shit to pieces yesterday.

1 12 2009
Gorey

Nope, that was self-help books. This is a no-help book. Unless you’re Rhonda Byrne, in which case you can just lean back into your LazyBoy and pick some more leaves off your money tree.

1 12 2009
Tone

^ touché

1 12 2009
Simon

Got to say the Bogans and Government have kept this to themselves well, never heard of it. However I am looking forward to being able to “feel the feeling”. Why did Rhonda get told the secret? If she imagined ripping millions from morons maybe it does work. Now back to Salma……..

1 12 2009
FT

Tone, whilst the Secret does count as a self-help book, I agree with TBL in that the Secret is so outrageously bogan that it really does deserve it’s own post.

I had the unfortunate experience of working for a Secret convert not so long ago, and it was so much worse than working in an office where the boss espouses the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or similar. The problems I encountered with my “Secret” boss were extensive – she was so focussed on her deficient social life that she was forever ‘having coffees’ with mentors or writing submissions to committees about how hard it is to achieve work-life balance in our industry etc etc.

Around about the time she started seeing psychics and bringing in paintings of her American-Indian spirit guide, I decided it was time to start looking for another job…

1 12 2009
Kat

Scarily, I too have a boss who loves the Secret. She is actually the best boss I have ever had, very clever, a great manager with excellent people skills, elegant, stylish – non bogan. However, the Secret really got to her.

The Secret takes the concept of creating your own luck way too far. So far, in the months since my boss told me how great the Secret is, nothing has really changed for her. I guess thinking it isn’t really enough and you still actually have to do something.

21 05 2010
julie

Spending $80 an hour on a psychic and taking their word as the truth due to their proposed “heightened spiritual awareness” is certaintly boganesque. Really…come on.

1 12 2009
Robbie

I remember seeing that self important Rhonda Byrne spewing this inane drivvle on Oprah (yes I admit I have watched Oprah in the past ) and seem to remember what utter crap it was. I didn’t realise it had become so huge but I shouldn’t be suprised. Oprah is a bogan goddess (even though she’s ‘of colour’)
I would think that anything by Bryce Courtney would be considered bogan fodder as well.

Bogans love Oprah. She provides them with such a great “I’m not racist because…” opportunity. TBL

1 12 2009
Indi

The ‘of colour’ thing is interesting. The invention of new names and spellings was partly a rejection of slave names (frequently those of your owner or white biological father) by the African-American population which has spread to the de-racinated general population. eg. Oprah. Many bogans fall into the US catgory of ‘wigger’- think of the Eminem aesthetic, and those who have a love of all things hip-hop despite being melanin-challenged. They’d be racist in America but the distance allows them to want to be black.

9 12 2009
dizzy

i think you have your wires crossed here indi… “hip hop” is not bogan music, that is called “rap” music.

there is a massive difference between the two if you care to look past the top 40, and being “of colour” is much more necessary in “rap” than it is in hip hop….. some of the best MCs (or as bogans would call them “rappers”) are not black

1 12 2009
Stephanie

1 12 2009
toony

So 2001, but at least you have managed to get the interwebby dick out of your mouth!
Next thing you’ll be quoting from Always Sunny in Philadelphia…..

1 12 2009
berihebi

I’m so open to receiving a boost juice right now. I must take control of my visualise it through to completion.

1 12 2009
berihebi

That doesn’t make any sense. Turning bogan, reading this blog too much. Can no longer talk

1 12 2009
Simon

Berihebi,

Been visiting any Tattoo artists recently? If you are visulising things maybe a tramp stamp will just appear.

1 12 2009
Kat

Is Berihebi a girl? I thought Berihebi might visualise ‘sleeves’ instead.

1 12 2009
Tubesteak

Is this what faux intellectuals like? What losers like? What desperate lazy people like? What non-events like?

1 12 2009
Kat

Ooh definitely lazy for me!

1 12 2009
Jodie

This is SO wrong, but I got roped into watching the film, which starred Marlee Matlin. I couldn’t help wondering, if this shit works, why she didn’t just visualise not being deaf.

Yeah, I’m going to hell.

1 12 2009
Indi

Cause it would have to be an auralisation, and she’s deaf?

7 12 2009
'Tronic

Incorrect! Marlee Matlin was in “What the #$*! Do We (K)now!?”, a precursor to The Secret, but favoured more by your northside faux hippie types (Note: see http://stuffwhitepeoplelikeinmelbourne.blogspot.com/) because it’s got science in it.

8 12 2009
Jodie

Oh, you’re right, ‘Tronic. Forgot about that.

1 12 2009
Lee

yawn…………

1 12 2009
Freddo

Even if New Bogan thinks ‘The Secret’ is a load of garbage it will still be an addition to the bookshelf as it has a ‘noice’ cover. Filing it next to the complete Harry Potter collection plus a massive array of other books that have never been cracked, it will add a false sense of intelligence & sophistication to the bogan’s household.
Although Classic Bogan only owned two books – ‘1001 Aussie Jokes’ & ‘The Big Book of Rugby League’, at least he didn’t give a toss what anyone else thought…

1 12 2009
Linda

hey a bit off topic however.. another bogan thing I noticed today.. CHRISCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 12 2009
Indi

Wow it’s as if your life could be all catalogue all the time. The weekly payments for the hampers and other Christmas stuff are the authentic touch. I’m sure we all have relatives . . .

2 12 2009
Linda

hehehe chrisco just SCREAMS bogan… but its more for the organised bogan

3 12 2009
Indi

Your Kath, rather than your Kim.

2 12 2009
dazz

This is a pseudo religion,
but for the lazy bogan… all from the convenience of their arm chair.
If you believe you will recieve.
you must have faith (pity those that do not)
the non-believers will not attain enlightenment
… any of this sound familiar.
whats more the video came before the book.. double TBL points.

3 12 2009
bogan moth

Before ‘discovering’ the ‘secret’, Rhonda Byrne was a ‘writer’ on the television show ‘World’s greatest commercials’.

Yes that was three sets of sarcastic quotation marks. Yes they were all necessary.

4 12 2009
d00bie

i THOUGHT something in this article sounded familiar…

and i submit a quote from reason.com:
“In The Secret, a slickly produced cult-hit DVD that has sold approximately 500,000 copies since its release last April, a dizzying dream team of personal transformation specialists, spiritual messengers, feng shui masters, and moneymaking experts explain the “law of attraction,” which basically states that if you think really, really hard, say, about vigorously cavorting with Salma Hayek on a soft, fluffy bed of Google Series A preferred stock, you will emit a magnetic signal to the universe that will make your vision a reality.”

c’mon guys, if you’re gonna rip off other people’s work, you could have at least changed the fantasised-about actresses name…?

Guilty as charged, doobie. It was such a great quote – we remembered it, but not where it was from, so couldn’t link to it. Will remedy soon. – TBL

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