#35 – Puppetry of the Penis

27 11 2009

At the end of last century, a new form of comedy appeared on the landscape. It was visual, it was taboo, and it was about two blokes making stuff out of their dicks. The female bogan was enthralled, and thanks largely to them, the “Puppetry of the Penis” stage show became a national hit. The excited female bogan often dragged its husband or partner along to the show, though he felt conflicted as he left the house. Firstly, it meant that his wife was likely to spend the evening positively regarding other penises. Secondly, he too would have to spend much of the night looking at other penises. And lastly, the impact of the evening on his prospects of using his own penis on his female bogan was unclear.

As the night commenced, the male and the female bogan were feeling very differently to each other. But, the performers held out an olive branch of sorts to the male bogan. They offered instruction on how the male bogan could also make stuff out of their own dicks. Slowly, there was a convergence of emotion between the two bogan genders. Considerable time was spent tutoring on the finer points of a configuration known as “the hamburger”, while a touch of the exotic was conferred via some tips on “the Eiffel Tower”. While the female bogan roared in appreciation of the show, the possibilities began to dawn on the male. He took longer glances at the penises of the performers, his self-consciousness at being seen to be looking at gay stuff gradually abating.

By the end of the performance, the female bogans were viewing the penis in a more enthusiastic light than they had in years. Meanwhile, the male bogan had carefully memorised how to configure his genitalia into the “Wrist watch”, “Pelican”, and “Loch Ness Monster”. It promised to be an acrobatic evening back at the bogan residence.

In the subsequent days after the performance, the female bogan raved to her friends about what a great show it was, imploring them to attend. The male bogan sat on the couch, brow furrowed, attempting to figure out an acceptably heterosexual way of endorsing the show that temporarily reignited his sex life to his mates.


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38 responses

27 11 2009
Indi

The Vagina Monologues didn’t really have the same impact, hey?

27 11 2009
berihebi

Puppetry of the penis for non-bogans

27 11 2009
JimC

Oh well… better the bogan play with his dick on a stage and get paid for it than standing around in shopping centres and public places, endlessly scratching and adjusting himself.

27 11 2009
Muz

Too safe and bland a topic.

I’d rather TBL, who only sort of touched on it with the ANZAC post, to go the whole hog and post a topic on ‘pseudo-patriotism/nationalism’. And you know the type I mean, cape wearing, southern cross tattoo/stickers, fuck off we’re full T-shirts. The same type that makes it embarrassing to carry an Australian flag to a sporting event.

It’d be controversial post but a very ballsy and gutsy move. Do it.

With half a dozen writers for the blog, it means that we cover the bogan from different angles each day. We’ll take your suggestion on board, however. TBL

27 11 2009
JimC

If I were to run this site it’d be full of stuff like; ‘Things Bogans Like: Walking on the road’.

28 11 2009
Kondor Man

Thank you, thank you so much JimC – my wife thought I was a raving lunatic when I pointed the increase in people walking on the road. What is their f**king problem?!!! I pondered on this for some time, and realised it is the bogan’s natural tendency for doing stupid things which will give them the chance to either abuse or bash some poor sod who tells them to grow a brain.
Us normalies have to watch for this trick – they’ll jump the queue, swear loudly in front of kids, drop litter, spit incessantly so that we react, and they in turn can utter the bogan witty retorts of ” what theF**k are u looking at?” or “oh yeah, what are u gonna do about it?”.

12 02 2010
Louie

Further to JimC, I’d like to add the Junior Bogan trend of sitting in the gutter. Juveniles aged 14 – 17 seem to regard the gutter as a gathering place between the hours of 8p – 2a. There will be an entire park area with benches for them to gather upon, but they will still assemble on gutters, median strips, and even the middle of pedestrian crossings. It does beg the question – “Why are fourteen-year-olds on the street at 2am in the morning?”

12 02 2010
JimC

“Why are fourteen-year-olds on the street at 2am in the morning?”

Scoring drugs for their parents?

27 11 2009
Muz

Good stuff.

27 11 2009
Freddo

Expect the cape wearing, southern cross tattoo/sticker, fuck off we’re full T-shirt wearing mob to congregate in full force during AC/DC’s Australian tour next year.
Sorry Acca Dacca not AC/DC…

27 11 2009
berihebi

Half a dozen bogan-hating snobs collaborating on this blog – very cool.

27 11 2009
Indi

I think your analysis of the ‘gay’ aspect of straight men looking at penises underestimates the importance of this element in straight hardcore porn. To say nothing of rugby league players and their need for a team effort.

27 11 2009
Tone

I suspect the part of the bogan male’s brain that struggles with the sight of other men’s penises in a non-sexual manner is very closely related to that part of the bogan male’s brain that has difficulty in reconciling how a MMF threesome works.

There’s a woman involved, so it’s clearly not a homosexual act. In the case of the spit roast, there’s a good chance that neither male will see the other’s tackle in the process. Yet whenever the word ‘threesome’ is mentioned, they’re always quick to say ‘it has to be two chicks mate … two blokes in a threesome is gay!’.

27 11 2009
JimC

‘it has to be two chicks mate … two blokes in a threesome is gay!’.

Well yes it is, as it turns out.

I imagine only a sports team riddled with latent homosexuality would actually enjoy a ‘MMF’ threesome outside of a paid porno shoot.

27 11 2009
Indi

But so much of the ‘business’ of porn is the objectification of penetration and the all important money shot.

As in so many discussions around sex the dichotomy of ‘straight’ and ‘gay’ doesn’t shed muchlight.

27 11 2009
Tone

I’d love to hear JimC’s take on bukkake. Is it gay because there’s lots of men involved in the act? If so, why would a gay man get turned on by the idea of seeing the face of Japanese woman, only with a striking resemblance to something one might see in a bain marie at one’s local Krispy Kreme?

27 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

Do you guys actually *know* any Bogans? It doesn’t matter if there’s 15 other teammates in the room: if there’s a set of naked tits, that’s all they’re going to see. They will be hypnotised.

Hell, I’ve known enough who zone out just seeing a flash of side boob. I think this ‘latency’ thing is just a myth.

27 11 2009
Muz

Actually I’ve read, and this will come as a surprise, that in an in an experimental situation watching porn, using some sort of rig to track eyeball movements, they noted that the males tended on average to be more focussed on the woman’s facial expression rather than the penetrative act if both options were viewable at the same time.

Counter-intuitive I know but as a casual viewer of the odd email porn there does seem to be a trend towards showing more of the woman’s face in these things.

27 11 2009
Tone

Funny you should say that, Muz.

Just recently, I had a very similar discussion with a couple of friends. The upshot is that it porn is so much better to watch when all parties are properly into it.

Given a choice between seeing a stereotypically ‘attractive’ professional porn starlet whose orgasms are even more fake than her tits, and a more homely looking lass being filmed on a cameraphone that is really into it (and who she’s doing it with), Miss Realistic wins every time.

29 11 2009
Kathy

Given porn fashion, I can understand wanting to see lips with a bit more character.

30 11 2009
Muz

Well Tone just between you, me and the front doorstep I’m more of a fan of the enthusiastic amateur over the ‘professional’ starlet any day of the week.

27 11 2009
Stephanie

I can’t comprehend why anyone would want to look at a flacid penis?

27 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

Based upon the various Bogans I unfortunately know through work, it’s the belief that taking a ‘bird’ to see this show will turn her into a raving nymphomaniac, who will be ‘gagging for it’ by the end of the night.

*They seriously believe this*.

27 11 2009
Simon

This has been around longer than Cats. Talk about milking it for all it is worth. I bet Fiona has seen this more than once.

The reasons behind bogans having group sex in a club situation has to be the subject of an entry and an entirely different conversation as the motivation is so different to you standard threesome.

27 11 2009
FT

Simon, don’t you think a post about bogans, sporting clubs and group sex might be a tad below the belt? You might as well ask that they do a post about bogans and gang rape. It’s way out of line, disrespectful to victims and tends to trivialise the matter.

27 11 2009
Your Local Dandy

Many bogans seem to like participating in ‘Movember’ (motivation unknown). It even brings out the inner bogan in those who would not otherwise be considered a bogan.

Therefore, because it is November (with December fast approaching), you should do a post on ‘Movember’.

27 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

Movember is usually a sporting club thing. Footy teams do it to raise money for Men’s Health Charities, ignoring the fact that they’d be a lot healthier by not playing a violent, body-destroying contact sport with an attendant culture that encourages binge drinking to catatonia; sharing ‘hookers’ with multiple mates; and scoffing greasy Donner Kebabs at 2 a.m whilst getting into a bloody brawl at the taxi rank.

27 11 2009
Richard Reid

TBL seems to have a very in depth knowledge of this topic…

27 11 2009
Ghengis

We still need the half-mullet half-mohawk half-rattie for the next post.

27 11 2009
Snap

Mildly amusing website. Bogans would find the stuff funny though, don’t ya’s.

27 11 2009
Steve

35 entries and still no stretch Hummers…

For shame!

Soon, soon! TBL

27 11 2009
Indi

Can you give us a field guide for stretch Hummers? I’ve now seen white, hot pink and black- is there a colour for occasion code?

27 11 2009
Dee

Wow, you guys know way too much about Puppetry of the Penis! For some reason I always thought it was something with actual puppets that looked like penises. I didn’t realise it was the real thing. How… odd.

27 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And as with all things bogan, a copycat act soon appeared: “Busting Out”.

29 11 2009
??

this site just keeps getting better. when are you going to include schoolie week ???

30 11 2009
amr

By bogan residence you mean McMansion?

The faux render finished in a shade of beige, not to much lighter or not too much darker than that of their neighbour’s in case they stand out way too much. Though the house itself can stand out purely for it sheer carbon footprint and the shadow cast over it’s neighbouring (smaller) McMansions, but no more…….

Sorry to digress TBL……having been dragged along to POTP by ex bogan wife I do have first hand knowledge of the tension felt by the bogan male……but it is too close to home to comment yet.
Still in therapy…..

16 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

yo adelaideies?
what the hell was that?
did something explode?

14 09 2011
JQBoganBus

Wonder why there are no posts from Western Australia…

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