#34 – Sexpo

26 11 2009

Once a year, all of the bogan’s tawdry sexual fantasies come to bear under one large corrugated roof. Deviously marketed as an exhibition focusing on all aspects of health and sexuality, Sexpo is but a filthy menagerie of sweat, failed dreams, washed up porn stars and overpriced dildos. Nursing love-toy sample bags and blank faces, the bogans patiently peruse everything; from stalls hawking the latest in pleasure-inducing gadgetry to Miss Nude Australia presiding over two men simulating sexual positions from the Kama Sutra on a blow-up doll. Languidly strolling past the gaudy bazaar of g-strings, giggles, porn mags, peepshows and motorised parachute rides, the bogan’s mind is briefly distracted by the sudden appearance of a man dressed as a giant penis handing out lube and condoms.

Not to be left out of the action, the female bogan will enthusiastically participate in the “Fake An Orgasm” competition or take pole dancing lessons or bare all in the Amateur Strip Show, all the while being cajoled by the aural charms of timeless bogan, Russell Gilbert. This further gives the bogan an opportunity to attempt to temporarily apply the ADHD ethos of pornography to its own sex life. By interacting with B-grade porn stars and obtaining a signed copy of Monica Mayhem’s Anal Episodes 9: The Ploughing at Bathurst, it satisfies its need to immerse itself in the seedy, illicit underground of hard-core erotica.

Of course, no bogan event is complete without the gratuitous burning of massive amounts of fossil fuels. Enter the group of daredevil freestyle motorcyclists who call themselves the Crusty Demons. The ability to jump repeatedly over mounds of sand on a 250cc dirt bike while performing strange tricks renders the bogans gasping in amazement, as it vicariously taps into the bone-chilling, high-octane excitement. Once it has collected a sufficient number of free samples, it will make one last round of the garish collection of adult products that can be found at any suburban Club X store before making its way home to ferociously masturbate.


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50 responses

26 11 2009
dipsy

You just get better and better…

26 11 2009
berihebi

I went to Sexpo once but there wasn’t anything for the kids to do and they got bored really quickly. They should organise some face painting or something.

26 11 2009
Tone

Not a bad idea. Would be cheap to implement, too. A 10 litre bucket of Clag wouldn’t cost that much, surely …

24 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

or maybe THIS!….

http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/

gotta be a joke right?

right?

24 05 2013
Adele Farrar

Why the fuck would you bring kids to a sexpo are you retarded

14 05 2014
alyy

Umm I know you posted that 5 yrs ago.. but did you seriously take your kids to SEXpo? You idiot. Its a fucking R18+ rated event.. OF COURSE THERES NO FUCKING FACE PAINTING

26 11 2009
Indi

What, no ‘I’m a Tits Man’ t-shirts to be bought?

26 11 2009
Pauline

I’d really like to know how you know so much about bogan pursuits…or is that answer just plain obvious?!

26 11 2009
Paul Keating

It’s so obvious, Pauline, that it barely needs mentioning.

We know so much about Bogan pursuits, Pauline, because you have to go out of your way to hear about anything else in the mainstream these days. Watch any commercial tv network, read most magazines available at the supermarket checkout, get out to any public event these days and you’ll be hard pressed to find anything that doesn’t have the fat, sweaty thumbprint of the bogan all over it.

You bogans have lifted up mediocrity to a high art, and insist that it’s the only game going. And you’re pandered to as well, but everyone from Daryl Somers to Kevin Rudd, to such an extent that nothing else has any value.

But please do tell your bogan pals all about this site- we’ll be waiting.

26 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Paul, I have enjoyed your opinionated (although presented as factual) rants until now, but my callous amusement is starting to turn into concern.

If you are hard pressed to find anything that does not have the thumbprint of the Bogan all over it, then I fear you must lead quite a limited life. Yes, the Bogan is a part of Australian culture, but there is so much more on offer for those willing to find it. Perhaps you should try to rise above mediocrity, rather than blame the Bogan for lifting it to a high art.

26 11 2009
Paul Keating

Too much?

It’s performance ranting, of course Peter. I’m not sure anyone could maintain this in real life. It’s been fun though.

24 03 2010
Laura

I know. The sheer prevalence of the bogue, it’s frightening. Not to mention depressing enough to make a non-bogue weep.

26 11 2009
Dee

Is this comment some kind of performance art?

26 11 2009
coq_roq

Pauline baby, everything about you screams to me that u r like a full on bogan, i like it, gimme yo numba il take u for a spin, we can go for dinner to bell street maccas.im tall dark n handsome n i have a python……ill let you cheque him out, IF u nice…PS do u have ginger hair cos thats like hot AS.boom boom pow!

26 11 2009
JimC

Fully, bra’…

26 11 2009
Kris

Either Pauline is a deft hand at subtle irony or she. just. doesn’t. get. it. The very point of this website is that it could NEVER be written by bogans because they (the bogans, that is ) are totally lacking any self awareness.

Rant. Over.

26 11 2009
Paul Keating

I think there’s more than a casual link between events like sexpo and the proliferation of tablets and nasal sprays to assist with erectile dysfunction.

I mean, I like a razzle mags as much as the next person, and it may be counter-intuitive to some, but it does seem the more porn you’re exposed to, the more pornographic your sexual desires become, and the less you’re able to satisfy yourself, or even really connect with another human being sexually..

24 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

not to mention the adolescents who are so readily exposed to this.

Scene A tender moment on a moonlit beach
Kaysarnh: “Do you think we’re ready to take our love to the next level Fayme?”
Fayme: “Oh Yeah! Stick in my ass! I want your hot cock in my ass”

26 11 2009
Gorey

Sexpo would be better if it were just, like, masses of people having sex.

26 11 2009
Indi

Where’s the retailing opportunity in that?

26 11 2009
Paul Keating

In this order: Nasal spray, lube, tissue, mop and bucket, penicillin.

Repeat.

26 11 2009
chris of south yarra

antibiotics

26 11 2009
Indi

But what about the ‘Cast of Thousands’ dildo collection from the Franklin Mint? If people are just going to shag, rather than by plastic crap, it’ll never sell!

26 11 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

can someone please tell me…do toddlers/babies really wear a “Im a tits man” t-shirt…Anyone actually seen this ??

You can check here – TBL

26 11 2009
Indi

Cotton On seem to think so – they sell them and are part of an ongoing ‘story’ in the Herald-Sun, in which someone complains about teh slogans prinetd on their clothing and Cotton On get free publicity as a result. Personally, I’ve only seen “My Mum is Hot’.

26 11 2009
Skitter

Oh god it’s all so true! Keep up the good work guys, you are performing valuable public service!

27 11 2009
Boris

Ha! Just this morning I was watching an ad for Sexpo and thinking to myself, ‘Who the hell goes to this shit?’.

27 11 2009
Indi

There’s a Venn Diagram awaitng, yes? Are the ‘Mind Body Spirit’ expos still held?

27 11 2009
Tony D

“take pole dancing lessons”

That seems to be becoming a more and more popular pastime, based on the amount of bogan women I work with taking those classes…

27 11 2009
Freddo

I love the elitism of Boganettes who do pole dancing as a hobby.
For them it’s ok to do it as a recreation as ‘it keeps ya fit’.
But if a girl does it for money then ‘they’re a farkin’ slut’.

29 11 2009
Kathy

Yes. It’s the usual failure to make something of themselves. If I could pole dance, I’d be doing it for money, not in the lounge room to some guy who more than likely would rather pay someone new to do it for him.

30 11 2009
Kylie

And for the Boganettes with aspirations to, or perhaps delusions of, intellectualism, it’s an opportunity to try to spout some faux-feminist language about how empowering pole dancing really is.

29 11 2009
Tom

Has anyone noticed the ads for this years Melbourne Sexpo…

Sponsored by none-other than “Star Shots” Photography!

18 12 2009
BogansBegone

I went to Sexpo last year .
May I share my blog with TBL ? :

(WARNING TO BOGANS : only 3/4 of it is true)

=====================================
SEXPO ’08 – Was it worth it ?
Category: Life
At $25 a ticket – Sexpo ’08 beat the sh!t out of Kevin ’07.

There was a good crowd (or should that be , a BAD crowd? ) at the Hordern Pavillion on Sunday.

Unfortunately , very few were black females. I had to bring my own. Now , normally I don’t like BYO places – but , hey , at least they did not charge me corkage.

I tried my old line ; “I’m this girl’s World Vision sponsor . Can we have a discount , please ?” . That fell flatter than an Asian chick’s boobs.

She was worried her friends might see her with a dirty “mzungu”. I said “Don’t worry – you can tell ’em I’m your brother.” She smiled and said “Fine. Fancy a bit of incest later ? ” After I finished blushing , we went in.

There were plenty of skimpily-dressed dancing girls. I rushed up to one and begged her “PLEASE let me take you to dinner ! ” She said “Why ? Do you want to f-ck me?” “No!” I said. “I want to fatten you up!”. One pale chick with red hair was so skinny , I thought I’d dropped one of my matches.

The friend who accompanied me wanted to see a psychic. She asked this gypsy woman if it was ok to pay by Mastercard. “Yes , my dear.What is the number?” She said “Hey – YOU tell ME!”

But she still had a reading.The fortune-teller had lots of bling and wrinkly skin (don’t they all ??) and told her “You are attracted to a kinky white man who will take you to the Personal Shaver sales stand.” WOW ! That was scarily accurate! Then I punched the gypsy in the face .She looked shocked.”What’s wrong ? Didn’t you see that coming ? .”

There were lots of long rubber and plastic devices on show.She wanted to look at them all.As she gave me one to hold – how’s THIS for bad timing ? – my mobile rang . So , without thinking , I put the dildo to my ear and kept shouting “HELLO? HELLO? ” , cos I couldn’t hear a thing. I now know just how it feels to be a real DICK-HEAD .

I asked the nice lady at one stall if she had any G-strings. “Yes – loads”, she said .”OK , but this African chick has a huge booty . Got any “ENTIRE ALPHABET” strings ? ” She told me I was rude (oooohh , never heard THAT line before ! ) and the girl’s bum was not THAT big . I said “You gotta be kidding – her arse has got its own postcode ! ”

A naked man attracted a big crowd.He calls himself “PRICASSO” and paints with his willy. He took a long time – he was hampered by having a very small brush.

There were all the colours of the spectrum on his palette. But, strangely , NO BROWN. I was a little uneasy thinking of what he used instead of paint for THAT colour.

One lady selling lingerie must have been 65 if she was a day . It was very hot under the lights and I commented on how little she was wearing. She said “You should’ve seen me yesterday, sweetie – I wasn’t wearing anything !”. At this point , about 3pm Sunday afternoon , I began to think there MUST be a God , or at least a Guardian Angel , who had told me “Marcus – Thou Shalt Not Go on SATURDAY!”. If I wanted to see a mangled old pussy , I’d run over my cat.

There was something for the ladies on the stage – an athletic male dancer.I had not heard such approving noises from the woman I was with since …. well , let’s not go there . At the end of the dancer’s routine , the MC asked if anyone wanted their photo taken with him.You could tell we were in Sydney – half the hands that went up belonged to blokes.

Among a crowd of thousands , I did not see one person I knew . Either I’m not too observant – or I’m mixing with the wrong people !

All in all , a good time . But remember , boys and girls , if you have the right atmosphere & the right company , you can enjoy fun anywhere ! Unless you were just up the road at the SCG , cheering for the Swans the night before !
(Note for TBL : we had lost to the Crows)

22 12 2009
kriles76

Ha! My work buddy’s partner is the Chairman of Sexpo.

22 12 2009
BogansBegone

Ripper !! Show him/her the blog and get me a coupla free tickes for next year , wil ya ? 🙂
Cheers !!

24 03 2010
Laura

Reading this, I’m very glad I never did get round to attending Sexpo even once over the years. Very eager partners notwithstanding, I always did prejudge it as bogue in the extreme, and invariably declined..

24 03 2010
Laura

Gosh, I’ve become a wee bit addicted to this blog. I can’t get enough!

24 03 2010
Laura

Oh. One thing I do feel the need to point out is, I don’t necessarily think of pole dancing as bogue. I feel it’s become rather mainstream these days, and is a fantastic form of exercise. I take a pole class with Pole Divas, and the vast majority of the girls in my classes are decidedly un-boganic. Advanced pole dancing is an art, and requires a dancer to be an elite athlete and gymnast. Pole dancing need not even be salacious at all, either…I often dance to classical music on my pole at home, and sometimes we do in class too! 🙂

24 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

you need to get some more irony in there.
I almost thought you were serious.

hahahahaha!

you’re not serious?

are you?

24 03 2010
Laura

Ah, but I am! The type of pole dancing I do is more inclined towards ballet and gymnastics than the gutter-ho, skank-crackwhore pole dancing of yore.

25 03 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh.

25 03 2010
Laura

Yep. 🙂

Seriously, it’s not bogue. The vast majority of the girls in my classes hail from South Yarra, Prahran, et al, are beautifully spoken and presented, and, for the most part, work as lawyers.

25 03 2010
Laura

Nary a tramp stamp in sight.

Believe me, if the classes were populated by a bunch of raucous femme bogues, I couldn’t endure them…

13 05 2010
julie

Please do not liken any form of pole dancing to classical ballet. Just because pole dancing is physically demanding, like gymnastics or ballet, does not give it some kind of culturally-elevated status. I must admit, however, that I have not ever attended a pole dancing class, yet I have attended ballet classes for the past 15 years. I believe that the “It’s not skanky, it’s fun and sexy and artistic” view of pole dancing that prevails today is largely a result of earnest marketing on behalf of the owners and staff associated with such classes. Who are clearly very aware of the skanky and tasteless reputation that pole dancing has. Each to their own I suppose…

5 01 2012
Chamber Music or Pornography – It’s a Matter of Choice | The Preston Institute

[…] variety to their intimacy.  Personally, I tend to have the same view of Sexpo as the people from Things Bogans Like – it’s just silly maxtreme stuff.  However, instead of railing against it, I think […]

24 03 2013
the savvi girls

Sexpo is so scary! Great account TBL. Here’s ours > http://bit.ly/11xfESQ

13 06 2013
chellesh0ck

Ahahaha!
YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE ABUNDANCE OF SHOWBAGS!!!!!
🙂

3 12 2013
Stephen

Here’s a good insight into what Sexpo is like. Filmed at Melbourne this year, it’s actually hilarious:

3 12 2013
Stephen

Here’s a good insight into what Sexpo is like. Filmed at Melbourne this year, it’s actually hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLnWqOo6OqE

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