#20 – Painting

6 11 2009

There are zero eyewitness accounts of the new bogan actually painting. In fact, this entire facet of the bogan personality could be consigned to the realm of mythology, were it not for the fact that the bogan continually appears at various events and functions in pants that are splattered with apparently fresh paint. Jeans, tracksuit pants, and even their favourite Melbourne Cup three-piece, it matters not. Immediately before leaving the house, it seems the bogan cannot resist the urge to slap a quick second coat on the pool room’s feature wall.

The bogan's canvas...So, while there is no recorded evidence of this behaviour, it is not hard to imagine. The bogan, half way out the door on their way to the nearest former pub/now pizza bar, dressed in their best and brightest. As it moves to close the door, its eyes linger briefly on the tin of Dulux ‘Mocha Jellybean’; roller and brush nestling comfortably alongside. The bogan pauses, torn, and a brief grimace of indecision passes its otherwise inscrutable features. Then, in a burst of unrestrained energy, the bogan runs back into the room, picks up the brush and, with a song in its heart, gives the wall the extra application it always needed, flourishing the brush in varying extraordinarily creative directions, paint flying at all angles.

Of course, the bogan seems to be quite the joyous home decorator, as the paint splatter is in no way confined to the body’s lower half. Travisty t-shirts, while beloved of and hoarded by the bogan, are not immune, and often fall victim to the bogan’s uninhibited brush strokes. It is possible that Ed Hardy is so treasured that it is not worn during these impressionist excursions, although it is also likely that it’s impossible to tell with the naked eye whether Ed Hardy shirts have fallen victim to excess splashback.

Such remarkable, across-the-board creativity should, of course, be nourished and encouraged. Next time you see a bogan walking down the street, having attempted to surreptitiously engage in this secret pastime, do not mock it. Merely nod, smile and give that look that says that you know. And it’s OK.


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68 responses

6 11 2009
thor

Genius expression in this one

6 11 2009
berihebi

The paint represents semen. It is a show of virility and strength. “Look, I’m so full of cum I can spray it over everythink. Imagine what I can do for you’s”

6 11 2009
Natali

HAHA, nice take.

6 11 2009
brad

too much tube 8 berihebi?

6 11 2009
berihebi

Ta for the tip. Don’t have to be Bogan to enjoy tube 8

6 11 2009
berihebi

more of a puretna fan myself

6 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Oh thank God. I thought this was going to be about the bogan at work with an easel and a palette of oils.

12 11 2009
jau

Fiona of toorak, just admit it. You don’t live in toorak. You live in wantirna south! lmao

21 05 2010
TheMon

No Jau, I think Fiona lives in Caroline Springs. She loves the fake lake & the ambience.

6 11 2009
Indi

Funny until you think about the people who actually ‘distress’ the clothing in factories in Shenzen with all sorts of evil shit. Anyone else alive to the irony of the nouvel bogue wearing something that looks like his grandfather might have worn only to work out to drink Heinekens?

6 11 2009
Jodie

Haha, love it. It think this trend has its origins in the previously mentioned false sense of originality. They’re told (by Ksubi, Sass & Bide and all the way down to Jay Jays) that it’s “edgy” and “out there” (*eye roll*) so they think they’re expressing themselves.

6 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Every bogan is unique. In the same way.

6 11 2009
Sting

please stop saying ‘LOL’.

6 11 2009
berihebi

ROFL!

6 11 2009
berihebi

This is so random

6 11 2009
ColinJ

I think this post might well be better served under a more comprehensive ‘Pointless Renovations’ blog.

But we’ve all seen THE CASTLE, so we already know that bogans love nothing more than starting tacky, useless extensions and renovations with no possible chance of finishing them.

And as far as I’ve seen, the artfully ‘paint-splattered’ jeans is much more the domain of the middle-class hipster asshole than the oblivious, classless bogan.

6 11 2009
shazza

Dad, dug a hole!

6 11 2009
ColinJ

Heh-heh! Great movie.

But most true bogans would NEVER pick up a shovel. They’d just hire a bobcat to dig up the four square meters of ground they needed for a garden they’d spend a whole three days tending before ignoring it completely.

And bugger mowing the lawn! That’s the housing commission’s job…

7 11 2009
Lee

…..aaah smell that, two-stroke…….

6 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

I just found this blog and I have to admit it’s pretty funny. Making fun of bogans is easy and somewhat passe, but entertaing nonetheless.

However, the comments are where the real laughts are to be had. People are taking it seriously, totally missing the satire and subtle pokes at Austalian culture as a whole. You people are priceless.

6 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Not understanding humour that’s directed at you is a hallmark of the bogan.

9 11 2009
Kris

@ Fiona of Toorak:
Yes exactly! I couldn’t have put it better myself. Nice work.

6 11 2009
pinky has a brain

**Laughs at accuracy and truth of Peter’s statement**

6 11 2009
brad

saying priceless is bogan

6 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Thankyou for confirming yourself as one of the people I was refering to. The irony in your reply is outstanding.

LOL

8 11 2009
brad

your too clever by half for me peter, i guess its because your from kensington

9 11 2009
Lee

Kensington (sydney) is a shithole, nothing going for it.

6 11 2009
Linda

Just too hilarious.

Fiona of Toorak – have a look at her IP address logs. She is not from Toorak 😉

6 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

That makes sense. I looked at some of her other posts and it’s obvious she is a troll. Well played.

(At least I hope she is, it would be scary if she was serious)

6 11 2009
Sting

LOLtroll. That’s gotta be the lowest of the low.

6 11 2009
Lee

Not surprised, but your geographic location doesn’t necessarily guarantee you intelligence or the ability to string a sentence together.
Starting every sentence with LOL, small things…….

6 11 2009
chris of south yarra

anyone with a salary of less than 500,000 per year = bogan

6 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Anyone who needs to earn a salary, no matter the amount = bogan.

7 11 2009
chris of south yarra

maybe you and i could get together and have a big lol at all the lesser people ….

7 11 2009
Lee

But Chris, by Fiona’s painstakingly thought out description you too are a bogan.

6 11 2009
brad

do you know how much a bobcat costs an hour colinj? If you were living in housing commission you would definatly not be hiring a bobcat-unfunny

6 11 2009
ColinJ

One is something the cashed-up bogan would do. And the other is something the feral, dole-bludging bogan does.

Both sides of the same bogan coin.

7 11 2009
brad

oh gotcha

7 11 2009
ColinJ

I’m in awe of your perceptivness. It’s almost like you KNOW ME!

Now go get little Tarquisha and Colby-Jai ready for school.

And learn some punctuation.

7 11 2009
brad

too quote frank spencer “not very nice” you have a certain perceptivness about how bogans/more unfortunate than yourself people live but you know whats worse than a cashed up bogan?………….two bob snob
p.s appreciate the ironic pronunseeation im leerning freind

7 11 2009
Jodie

“Tarquisha and Colby-Jai”

He doesn’t have them this week. Lost ’em at the family court after the incident at Crown Casino.

Love it! 😀

7 11 2009
brad

pretty brutal jodie what would you know about crown,maybe a 5$ bet to pay next weeks rent?

8 11 2009
sven

ok, we’re at #20 and conspicuous by its omission is the subject of smoking. Surely this is one of the last bogan bastions?

9 11 2009
Simon

Sven,

The smoking post will need to refer to the modern bogans move away from gigantic 100 packs of Longbeach to the soft packs so trendy now with Ed Hardy Wearers. Hippies roll their own which no true bogan would ever do.

23 04 2010
Dr>Hillbilly

A true bogan is always out of ‘ciggys’ and bumming them from someone else. Otherwise he’s bumming rolling papers and tobacco, while bemoaning the lack of filters. In true bogue fashion, he’ll continue to push his luck, looking to ‘lend’ a lighter, twenty bucks and so on.

8 11 2009
Lee

Sven, it’s not only bogans that smoke.

8 11 2009
shazza

Lee’s right Sven, lots of hippies smoke. And gangsters! Or are gangsters glorified bogans? Mmmm.

9 11 2009
sven

Hmmm. I would have thought that smoking – period – is a truly bogan pursuit. Educated, intelligent, socially-aware and environmentally conscious people aren’t ignorant and stupid enough to smoke, are they?

9 11 2009
Danny

Which are you Sven? educated, intelligent, socially aware, environmentally conscious, or an ignorant stupid ‘bogan’ – it seems we’re all either the first or the second, is that right?

9 11 2009
Simon

Yes Sven, Yes they are. Even intelligent people are stupid. Have you ever noticed how many nurses smoke (almost all) but perhaps nurses are a bogan sub-genre.

9 11 2009
pinky has a brain

Nurses smoke because they have to put up with bogans. I’m a nurse, I smoke, and I blame idiots for driving me mental on shift (and before any of you slag me off, yes I did make the stupid choice of taking it up in the first place). Also, to all the male bogans out there, from all the nurses in australia, just because we have to be near you, doesn’t mean you can touch us…URGH!!!

9 11 2009
Simon

Pinky,

Fair call, I happened to be in an emergency ward last week and it was horrifying (I’m talking as much about the relatives and friends). Perhaps a section on the bogan way of damaging themselves?

9 11 2009
pinky has a brain

Simon,
I work in a Private hospital and the bogan’s there are the worst kind!! Talk about rude and demanding!! But on the funny note, they think the food is “restaurant quality” MUHAHAHAHAH It’s shit, just like everywhere else, FYI! MUHAHAHAHAHa

21 05 2010
TheMon

Love it! Did you know the angus burger at Macca’s is also gourmet food?

10 11 2009
brad

build a bridge pinky

9 11 2009
sven

Danny are you mounting a counter-argument in defence of smoking? perhaps that it’s merely a personal indulgence of the worldly, urbane, sophisticate?

21 05 2010
TheMon

Good point Sven. Soon only cashed up bogans (eg: Shane Warne) will be able to absorb the cost of smoking into the bogan budget. Cigarette prices are increasing steadily. Smoking will become the ultimate bogan status symbol.

9 11 2009
Simon

Bogan Food. The list goes on.

9 11 2009
Trippytaka

I’m so confused right now… I know my bogan brain is extremely inadequate in this kind of company, but isn’t home renovation the realm of middle class Australians?

Some of the most successful shows on TV are, in fact, renovation shows. As you, obvisouly highly educated, anti-bogans would agree, mass media is targeted directly to the biggest possible audience. You can’t seriously tell me that the majority of Australians are bogans. Really?

Hilarious blog, by the way. 🙂

10 11 2009
brad

is your faviorite tv programme monkey?

9 11 2009
Jodie

I would agree on the smoking front, and I would add speeding and tailgating. Oh my, you can accelerate- you must have a MASSIVE COCK. *eyeroll*

10 11 2009
Lee

Ha ha ha! The other weekend coming home from working in the country it was close to midnight, I was speeding as it was ( no Jodie not trying to prove anything, no massive cock (insert smart arse emoticon here!)) and got overtaken by a Bentley Continental GT, he must have been doing close to 200kph.
Nice car. Phallic issues?

10 11 2009
Jodie

Lee, not having a go, this is a genuine question, but why do you speed? People don’t think an accident can happen to them until *after* it’s happened and they don’t consider the possibilities- ok, you’re in the country, there are no cars, what about roos or dogs? Again, I’m just genuinely curious as to the speeding mindset. Do people not realise that a car is a deadly weapon? Say you hit someone’s beloved pet that has accidentally gotten out?

10 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak
10 11 2009
Lee

I try not to blatantly speed, after an hour or so on the highway and having a chuckle at the truckies on the UHF it can get away from you. When this twat passed me I looked down and checked my speed to try and get a comparison, I was doing 125 in a 110 zone and this bloke passed me like I was standing still!
This particular road is famous for people travelling at ridiculous speeds, especially in snow season.

15 11 2009
Emma

you really need to come to terms with your boganism.

don’t fight it, just embrace it

11 11 2009
smudger

Great site, hilarious – and good writing! Fuck me, very good writing.

At the end of this post there are a couple of those automatically generated “possibly related posts” and one of them says: “#21: The Herald Sun” – but it’s not there! What have you done with it?!

18 01 2012
Aiden

Wow this site is a head trip for me. I began life with a gay hippie mother who died when I was 5, then I grew up bogan in my new family for 16 years then left home, came out gay myself and moved to the city where I’ve been for the last 16 years, so I’ve spent 16 years as bogan and 16 years as inner city snob. I cross over into full inner city snob next year I guess. I have to laugh knowingly at many of the things on this site but then cringe at other times when I see stuff that applies to me (gig photography is fun with all those pretty lights – and Jersey Shore – still can’t explain the addiction but I think it goes back to my bogan days and needing someone to look down on, and I won’t deny I have a P!nk album, ever seen her in concert though). I see ‘Jackass’ is missing from the list? It’s another guilty pleasure of mine and my partner is horrified anytime a new movie of it comes out and I eagerly rent it out.

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