There are zero eyewitness accounts of the new bogan actually painting. In fact, this entire facet of the bogan personality could be consigned to the realm of mythology, were it not for the fact that the bogan continually appears at various events and functions in pants that are splattered with apparently fresh paint. Jeans, tracksuit pants, and even their favourite Melbourne Cup three-piece, it matters not. Immediately before leaving the house, it seems the bogan cannot resist the urge to slap a quick second coat on the pool room’s feature wall.
So, while there is no recorded evidence of this behaviour, it is not hard to imagine. The bogan, half way out the door on their way to the nearest former pub/now pizza bar, dressed in their best and brightest. As it moves to close the door, its eyes linger briefly on the tin of Dulux ‘Mocha Jellybean’; roller and brush nestling comfortably alongside. The bogan pauses, torn, and a brief grimace of indecision passes its otherwise inscrutable features. Then, in a burst of unrestrained energy, the bogan runs back into the room, picks up the brush and, with a song in its heart, gives the wall the extra application it always needed, flourishing the brush in varying extraordinarily creative directions, paint flying at all angles.
Of course, the bogan seems to be quite the joyous home decorator, as the paint splatter is in no way confined to the body’s lower half. Travisty t-shirts, while beloved of and hoarded by the bogan, are not immune, and often fall victim to the bogan’s uninhibited brush strokes. It is possible that Ed Hardy is so treasured that it is not worn during these impressionist excursions, although it is also likely that it’s impossible to tell with the naked eye whether Ed Hardy shirts have fallen victim to excess splashback.
Such remarkable, across-the-board creativity should, of course, be nourished and encouraged. Next time you see a bogan walking down the street, having attempted to surreptitiously engage in this secret pastime, do not mock it. Merely nod, smile and give that look that says that you know. And it’s OK.