Things Bogans Like

#5 – Boost Juice

On first glance, healthy eating is anything but bogan, but – massive amounts of sugar aside – Boost Juice ticks all of the boxes for the 21st century bogan prototype. In today’s society, even the bogan is able to tacitly acknowledge the benefits of nutrients in food, though generally they lack the self-discipline, organisational skills, and attention span to incorporate these nutrients into pantries generally stocked with high energy, low vitamin packaged items.

Purchasing a cup of brightly branded juice is a perfect way for the bogan to smash this lingering sense of nutrition guilt, while feeling a sense of connection to the elite. With primal product names such as “tropical storm”, “all berry bang”, and “blueberry blast”, the appeal is as visceral as it is societal, and the bogan’s wallet is quickly $6 lighter. The best thing of all about this tokenistic nod to responsible living, is that it is generally consumed in public, and available in the food court of the local plaza. The desire to be seen as modern can be met by being seen with a Boost juice in hand, earning recognition from other aspirational bogans with money to burn on fluorescent fast food. Boost juice is just a new manifestation of the same behaviour pattern that led the bogan to acquire piles of flimsy infomercial exercise equipment during the 1990s – the desire for the quick fix.

Bursting with natural fruit sugar, the bogan does not sense the capacity for further tooth rotting that is inherently present in juice, and that brushing is still required. The more aspirational bogan, still either clinging to the notion of the ‘metrosexual’, or merely a slavish follower of beauty trends, will of course maintain excellent dental hygiene, if only as a means to apply more tooth whitener.

Boost Juice was initially found most often in parts of town densely populated by hipsters and office workers, but within years, the bogan had viewed the trend from his passing Subaru. This generated adequate demand for Boost to colonise every outer-suburban plaza that was on offer, and the transition to franchise nirvana had been made. And boy, do bogans love franchises.