#85 – Residential Property Investment

15 02 2010

The bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements restricted, and hates feeling obliged to anyone. This is an important reason why it loves purchasing investment properties; so it can tell someone what to do, restrict their movements, and have someone feel obliged to them.

While the bogan finds other classes of investment to be annoyingly abstract, residential property provides the bogan with the ability to cut corners on maintenance, and to smugly survey its empire. Worried about tales told to it by uninformed bogan friends about stockmarket losses, it will enthusiastically lap up advice dispensed by the same uninformed bogan friends about the magic of negative gearing on residential property. Indeed, it is likely that the bogan followed its herd and invested in a Telstra stock offering, only to be infuriated by years of poor performance. The impatient bogan then sells low, and decries the entire stockmarket as ‘dodgy’. 

With this hatred of dodginess fresh in its mind, the bogan will seek refuge in the fantastic 25% returns promised at property seminars conducted by fine businessmen such as Henry Kaye. At the conclusion of the dazzling seminar, the bogan re-mortgages three of its internal organs and part of its McMansion to invest in a yet-to-be-constructed waterfront villa in a part of the Gulf of Carpentaria that is “about to boom”. This speculatory process is replicated in other emotion/ego driven acquisitions in its home town, all highly leveraged.

This complete lack of portfolio diversification leaves the bogan’s nascent empire open to x-treme things. When property prices increase, it will take out a high interest equity loan against its existing properties to fund the acquisition of new ones, further outsmarting the market with its inspired blend of greed and hubris. Feeling every bit the bulletproof oligarch, it will purchase things such as high performance vehicles, yachting holidays, and a home theatre system the size of Barnaby Joyce’s economic incompetence. Disappointed that the “HEHEHE” personalised numberplate is not available, it settles for “NVESTA”.

A year or two down the track, the Federal Government reluctantly accepts that it can no longer fund policies designed to artificially inflate residential property values and appease gluttonous bogan voters. Prices then fall moderately, sending the bogan’s bloated and astoundingly leveraged portfolio into a tailspin. The bank then calls in some negative equity loans, and the bogan is forced to arrange a string of hasty auctions at the bottom of the market. All that remains is a 5 year old car, a 5 year old TV, and a bank account the size of Peter Garrett’s project management skills. As the bogan dejectedly sifts through its mail on auction day, it eyes a pamphlet guaranteeing 30% returns on the stockmarket, and an accompanying seminar at a nearby motel the following weekend.