Things Bogans Like

#144 – Home Fitness Equipment

The bogan wants a rockin’ body. It wants to trim down the fat, tone up, and in the case of the male, get ripped, vascular and generally huge. It wants to finally get the respect it deserves. It wants to be noticed by the opposite sex. To be more confident. More successful. More energetic. But getting a sweet rig is hard. A true Aussie battler, the bogan works roughly eight hours per day, five days per week and therefore simply does not have time in its 128 remaining weekly hours to get to the gym. Going for a run is also out of the question, as this would require venturing outdoors beyond the minimum distance required to get from building to vehicle, or vice versa.

If only there were some kind of quick, easy way for the bogan to achieve the body it has always dreamed of without leaving the comfort of its own home, or missing Australia’s Got Talent. Watching Kerri-Anne during a hangover-induced sickie one morning, it discovers the shortcut it has been searching for. The Ab Krusher, as demonstrated by a pair of orange skinned, all-American models. The quarterback and the cheerleader. The male ripped, jacked, vascular. The female lean, toned, svelte. Both sporting hazardous amounts of silicone and teeth whitener. All that is required of the bogan in order to attain an equivalent level of synthetic perfection is six easy payments of $69.95.

Upon arrival of its shiny new Ab Demolisher, the bogan parks itself in front of the plasma, ready to start shedding kilos. Three minutes in, it knows something is wrong. It is not beaming a radioactive smile. Its pecs are not glistening. No muscle tone has yet become visible. This is nothing like the infomercial. Following a few subsequent sporadic attempts, the Ab Slayer is deposited in the garage, never to be seen again, with the bogan claiming the apparatus caused it to do its back in.

At the turn of the new year, the bogan once again resolves to get fit, this time purchasing the Ab King ProMax. The inevitable cycle repeats like clockwork with the passing of each year, as the bogan chews through the Ab Cruncher, Ab Rocker, Ab Roller, Ab Revolutioniser, Ab Terminator, and Ab Abu Ghraib. Finally, the bogan concludes that its inability to achieve physical fitness is related to a glandular condition, allergies and/or ADHD.