#43 – Weddings: The Preparations

8 12 2009

The bogan bride, shortly after cementing the ring to her finger, begins to consider the import of her decision. She’s getting married! Dedicating her life to another human being, building a life together – house, children, the works. But more importantly, she has a wedding to organise!

It can be daunting for the bogan – where to start? Invariably, she turns to the same oracles that have answered her questions for much of her life. How many gut rolls does Britney have? Is Amy Winehouse back on the horse? And how the hell do I go about organising my wedding?!

Flipping through the magazine, she spies the latest celebrity event; Rove and Tasma, resplendent in their finery. She is aware that Rove was married on a remote Western Australian beach, but her new mother-in-law has recently found God, so it is best that the event takes place in a church.

However, as the bride-to-be flips through the pages of ‘candid’ photos and exposed snatches of celebs alighting from limos, she realises she wants to be classy. So she goes to the newsagent and forks over around $200 for six issues of ‘Aussie Bride’ magazine or some such – her new bible.

Page by page, the dream wedding takes shape. There will be matching lavender ties on the groomsmen, perfectly accompanying the bridesmaid’s dresses. The bridal train will be six carriages long, the better to conceal a substantial caboose (better hit the Sureslim to take care of that), and because longer is better. The same values system applies the bridal vehicle. A wedding of this magnitude requires nothing less than an adapted military vehicle. Yes, a gangsta black stretch Hummer limousine is what Posh and Becks would want.

The reception would be something special too. Caviar was ordered, and the money had already been paid by the time someone discovered it was fish eggs. Not to worry, the guests could wash it down with some champagne. The bogan has discovered an expensive but remarkably successful ingredient that makes indifferent bubbly taste twice as exquisite – a Moet label. The entire afternoon will be overseen by Danny “DJ” Johnson, spinning his favourites while wearing sunglasses. He assures the groom that his iPod wedding playlist can generate “My Sharona” and “Call on Me” up to three times per hour.

Meanwhile, the bogan’s love of politics is resulting in friction. The bridal party is a seething mess, the likes of which is only currently found at the Liberal Party headquarters. The bridesmaids dresses are all wrong. The fat one looks frumpy in it, and the skinny one wants to choose something more strappy. In a heady rush of self-importance, the skinny one storms off, abandoning her post. She is replaced by a portly understudy, who looks worse still in the newly strapless number.

This turmoil takes its toll on the bride to be. Realising that her magazine did not prepare her for this catfight, the bridal freakout occurs. Months of avoiding solid foods at her dressmaker’s insistence has rendered her unstable. She medicates her anxiety with a panic binge consisting of carbohydrates, glucose, ego-centrism, and streaked mascara. The big day draws ever nearer.


Actions

Information

46 responses

8 12 2009
Simon

Something this accurate can only come from actual experience. Fess up Rusty, you have married a bogan haven’t you?

Ha Ha! Actually none of us are married, although one is in the process of teeing it up…making this something of a ‘how not to’ guide. – TBL

8 12 2009
Benjamin

I dunno about this one. AFAICT all weddings are like this – even the non-bogan ones.

Unless you count the elopements which swap this kind of horror for raving and carrying on from family members that feel slighted.

The only way to win is not to play I think.

8 12 2009
bogankings

you are are a total bogan ben thats why

8 12 2009
Benjamin

Ouch

8 12 2009
Kat

You needed a woman to write this one.

8 12 2009
Kat

Mmm. Maybe not. Something is missing though.

8 12 2009
shazza

This wedding bullshit really takes the cake (pun intended). Bogans borrowing 30k for a one day celebration (then bitching about not being able to afford a house) Non religious types getting married in churches, fat women squeezing into strapless gowns, tacky dolls strapped to the front of limos, cakes so large they topple, even larger bridal parties, on and on.
2 years later these couples are calling it quits and still paying off the debt.

I’m married so have no probs with the concept, just the stupidity of ego centric brides and grooms using the day as an opportunity to flaunt a false sense of wealth and class.

8 12 2009
Benjamin

Full marks Shazza. I think your anger does a better job of getting to the nub of the issue than the original article, which highlights extravagance, ignorance and over-the-topness without paying out enough on the sheer, ugly vanity of a bogan wedding. Thank you.

8 12 2009
Indi

These bogan weddings end up as a gutted parody of a real Southern Italian wedding. Actual religious belief, huge extended family ‘business’ to deal with, extravagance as only the Mediterranean can inspire, great food- for 400 – traditional dancing and pinning money to the bride, and a little light traditional bawdry to end the breakfast. To be realistic the Southern Italian or Greek wedding looks pretty much the same, down to the white eyeliner and blonding but just has more oomph than the de-racinated Anglo version.

8 12 2009
Kat

Yes. The problem occurs in that the Anglo just doesn’t have that huge network of family supplying things and money and support, usually. The couple tries to recreate that whole thing out of nothing and ends up stuffing themselves financially and expecting all kinds of things from people who just don’t buy into that kind of wedding tradition. Disaster.

8 12 2009
Pete

Ben, don’t be too quick to point out the absence of paying out when this topic is less than halfway into it’s scheduled week of instalments. I’m confident you’ll get oodles of “sheer, ugly vanity of a bogan wedding” in the coming days. Remember, TBL is only at “The Preparations” so far!

While I think of it, Q: What’s the first thing a male Bogan asks at a wedding reception? A: “Are spirits included in the free drinks?”

8 12 2009
Benjamin

Fair comment Pete. I guess this stuff just strikes a nerve here.

8 12 2009
Steve

Couldn’t have said it better myself

8 12 2009
Simon

Good to see you back on the angry pills Shazza, more stress in the Hospital? All the Best.

8 12 2009
Kylie

2 years is an optimistic estimate in some cases. I heard of a marriage that was over before some of the guests even got back to their interstate home.

And I agree with everything you said. Particularly the insistence on church weddings. I smile whenever I hear a bogan bride complaining that a minister (usually Anglicans in my experience but then being one I pay attention to that) insists that she has a connection to the church and, shock horror, actually attends the services

17 06 2012
Chris

There is nothing wrong with dressing up and having a big reception for what one might consider the most important day of their life- provided they can afford it.

8 12 2009
Simon

Don’t forget the FAKE SPRAY ON TAN, with the orange-brown colour ending at the ankle

8 12 2009
Steve

Blotchy orange fake tan….sexy.

8 12 2009
Benjamin

I hear from my brother that the acceptable spend for an engagement ring these days is now up to three months’ salary(!). Anyone have any anecdotes?

8 12 2009
Simon

Hard to get a diamond ring under $3000 I would have thought, so fair enough.

8 12 2009
Bec

Eew. What a monumental waste of money.

4 02 2010
Helen

hahaha – only if you go retail. Seriously, who buys a diamond ring from a store?

6 09 2013
Paul

Bogans?

8 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

Bogan weddings always have huge bridal parties; usually with 4 on each side. The groomsmen look out of place and uncomfortable in their hired suits. It’s most likely the first time they have worn a suit, unless they’ve faced a magistrate. Also, to look good on the big day, the bogan groomsmen will get their mullets or rat-tails trimmed and will have plenty of gel applied.

At least 2 of the bridesmaids are fat chicks bridesmaids who look like beachballs in the puffy sleeved chiffon dresses.

Transporting this huge bridal party around is never a problem, because one of the bogan groomsmen alwayds sees to know a bloke with a shed full of fully sick 1957 Chevrolet V8 Hotrods.

‘Muriel’s Wedding’ should be considered a documentary into the mind of the female bogan in regards to wanting to get married and how a bogan wedding should look.

9 12 2009
Indi

Isn’t part of the deal that you choose frocks which make your bridesmaids look awful- either cut or colour will do- so that the bride looks even ‘better’.

8 12 2009
Shane

I hope the reception instalment includes the following: cobbled together Holdens/Fords from assortment of cousins and uncles as wedding cars; wedding mud cake; best man reading vulgar, unoriginal, telegrams; and bad music, which includes formation line dancing to nutbush etc.

8 12 2009
Kat

Don’t forget wedding speeches which go out of their way to include larger family issues and problems and spend way too long on those, or seek to humiliate bride or groom in some sexual way.

8 12 2009
toony

…instead of preferring an assortment of European cars as proof of real culture and status?
I’d much prefer to to turn up to a wedding in a classic car, not an Audi or (gulp) a Beemer! How common!

9 12 2009
Indi

So getting out the 1928 Hispano-Suiza or the gullwing Merc for your nuptials?

8 12 2009
FT

SHOCK HORROR!

I’ve spent most of my day researching ideas for my best friends Hens Day (as a recently appointed maid of honour). I came across some info that, whilst not at all helpful for my own purposes, may be of interest to you, TBL…

Guess what’s now available live in your home (or other pre-determined location) for the truly ‘memorable’ Hens Day. Yes, you guessed it! Puppetry of the Penis!!

Oh boy. Tomorrow’s entry may be of particular interest to you! TBL

8 12 2009
Indi

Adding another layer to that scary phrase Home Theatre

8 12 2009
Robbie

Todays post is fucken hilarious!!

I hope we see the ‘post wedding’ posts – honeymoon to Bali where the female bogan gets the ‘obligitory braids’ and doesn’t wash her hair for the next 3 months so she can keep the ‘celebrity’ look; male bogan with the garter on the rear view mirror of his GT Monaro; Friday nights spent playing the pokies and weekends away to Bathurst for the V8 Supercar Championship!

8 12 2009
amr

Been to many weddings over the years. Been best man three times and a groomsman once more. Not married myself though…….wonder why….???

I could write a book on ‘How to be the Best Bogan Man.’

The shit I have had to put up with….the ‘bridesmatrons’ , the friggin’ speeches, the crap food, the sunburn during the photos, the crap photos, the even worse videos, the bucks’ nights, the parents, the evangelist relatives, the ‘celebrants’, the crap car thing, the suburban reception halls…..I am having flashbacks…..going to have to ring my therapist…

For a different take on things, the one wedding I have been to as a guest that was a stand out by a long way….a little hills hideaway reception spot, the bride in a stunning short cocktail dress, the groom suited up sans tie, bridal party in their own finest cocktail attire, sans ties, mingling with guests standing around having champagne and cocktails on a beautiful green lawn under magnificent trees with sensational finger food and brilliant music in the background on a glorious summer evening.

No cars, no speeches, only a five minute ceremony then back to the champagne, finger food, music and wedding cake of profiteroles….that was the best afternoon and evening at a wedding I have ever spent.

9 12 2009
Indi

You forgot writing your own vows- a species of sincere and truly awful poetry.

9 12 2009
big s

it’s the girl’s fault.

9 12 2009
Ronny Jonny

My wife and I tried really hard not to have most of the elements of the traditional wedding. Garden wedding in obscure loaction, no drawn out photo session, no speeches, no relatives that we never have anything to do with, small reception in a nice restaurant etc. But still, some of the crowd weren’t happy, I was forced into making the worst speech of my life and then to top it, some Aunt handed my best man a bunch of TELEGRAMS?! and he read them out of politeness. They were actually from some other wedding and had names of people we’d never heard of on them. Bogan famillies are like the mafia, they keep dragging us back in!

9 12 2009
Simon

Boganism is a tenacious little bugger, keep up the fight Ronny.

9 12 2009
Jodie

This post actually prompts me to wonder, as a woman, why the hell are so many women obsessed with diamond rings and mammoth weddings? If I had a partner who gave me a ring worth three months’ salary I’d think he was a complete idiot.

9 12 2009
big s

a lesbian once wrote it’s because marriage is akin to prostitution. It would make sense to charge as much as you if you were a woman.

9 12 2009
Jodie

Yes, but in this day and age marriage is unnecessary unless it is truly desired. Surely if a woman felt that way she would just not get married. I choose not to marry because I enjoy my freedom. I can’t imagine trading that for a tacky ring.

10 12 2009
Sam

Beating them all off with a stick are you Jodie?

10 12 2009
Jodie

Ah, you’re one of those, “if a woman is single she must be a lesbian or an ugly, hairy feminazi” guys, I’ll bet. 😉

11 12 2009
Sam

your quote above “…I choose not to marry…” implies that you have had to make the decision at least once.

Therefore we are lead to believe that you are either a) beating them off with a stick (i.e. you get regular offers) or b) (as you put it) “a lesbian or an ugly, hairy feminazi”

I offered the former, you sarcastically replied with the latter. Based on this, I think it is obvious to all which category you fall into.

11 12 2009
Paulie d

while not witnessing the incident first hand, my parents were delighted by a drunken Haka at our cousins wedding.

11 12 2009
Jodie

Hehe. Nice try. Actually, I have made the choice- more than once. Just to clarify for others reading, I was making fun of mainstream thinkers, NOT lesbians, hirsute women or feminists.

22 05 2011
Jo

My wedding probably had a few bogan elements to it although given my hubby had been diagnosed with Stage 3C colon cancer a month before, we didn’t really care much, we just wanted to get married.
Married at the registry office in Melbourne (beautiful btw), we had an hour of photos in the Treasury Gardens next door and then off to a quaint restaurant in Moonee Ponds, where we joined our 20 guests (not bad, considering my hubby is Italian – still trying to figure out how we managed to dodge that bullet) for a wonderfully cooked meal. It wrapped up around 5pm where hubby and I drove to the beautiful Royce Hotel for our wedding night. We couldn’t take our honeymoon as hubby started chemo 2 days after our wedding but we were just glad to be husband and wife.

Hubby is OK by the way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: