#253 – Fifty Shades of Grey

14 09 2012

 ‘I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.’

Bylynda, curled up on the chaise lounge that she and Ben had just picked up from Gainsville for $5,000 interest free for 18 months*, quivered gently as E.L. James’ lucid, evocative prose coursed through her inner goddess.

While Ben sat in the study quietly fapped away on RedTube in the next room, Bylynda had her own moment of personal erotica.

‘His lips are parted – he’s waiting, coiled to strike. Desire – acute, liquid and smoldering (sic), combusts deep in my belly.’

This is fucked. Things Bogans Like is in no way a bastion of literary merit, and pretty much every human is guilty of slinging Dan Brown his 78c royalty at least once, but honestly DESIRE CANNOT BE LIQUID, SMOULDERING AND THEN COMBUSTIBLE. It simply can’t. Not even metaphorically.

Yet bogans the world over – millions of them – have somehow been convinced that some low rent, fairly inoffensive,  S&M fiction bearing the sentence construction of a 15 year-old LOTE student is worthy of two sequels and a reinvention of the femme-bogues’ concept of feminism.

‘”You’ve really got a taste for this, haven’t you, Miss Steele? You’re becoming insatiable,” he murmurs. “I’ve only got a taste for you,” I whisper.’

Did we mention that the protagonist’s name is Anastasia Steele? Because it is. It’s the Max Power of femme-bogue porn books.

Ms Steele is a barely-post-teen naïf who has never been with a man in any capacity (yet is somehow fully aware of how enormous her new beau’s cock is without need for comparison). Naturally, she is ‘caught in the web’ (without proof, it is certain this phrase exists either in the book or blurb) of Christian Grey, a ludicrously handsome 27 year-old millionaire who proceeds to tie her to various things and have tame, vaginal intercourse with her, during which she successfully climaxes every time, with stunning realism and exquisite prose.

‘I close my eyes, feeling the build up…pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air.’

“CASTLE IN THE AIR”

‘Oh my…I didn’t know it would feel like this…didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering…there’s only sensation…only him…only me…on please…I stiffen.’

The she-bogan…is suddenly aware of…the existence of porn that can be…accessed in public…with…ellipses. Read on a train…at work…anywhere, really….all the while successfully raising the femme-bogue’s expectation…that her home-bogue will be…able to sustain his…mountainous erection for…long enough to bring her to climax…using…only his…knob…end and…terrible text.

‘Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release.’

Christian can freeze and pour at the same time. This is impenetrable, hence deeply appealing to the bogan’s inner goddess.

‘My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly – as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me.’

‘That’s the bottom line. I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part.’

…yes, that inner goddess.

‘We pick up the rhythm…up, down, up, down…over and over…and it feels so…good. Between my panting breaths, the deep down, brimming fullness…the vehement sensation pulsing through me that’s building quickly, I watch him, our eyes locked…and I see wonder there, wonder at me. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid desire.’

The presence of so much liquid in this book is something of a reassurance to the bogan. Once it has accepted that it has a tenuous grasp on the concept of metaphor (need we remind you of the merengue at the top?), any metaphor becomes instantly salacious and literary.

 ‘”Look at me,” he breathes, and I stare up into his smoldering gray gaze. It is his Dom gaze – cold, hard, and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.’

After serenading the bogan with E.L. James’ wondrous elicitation of forbidden poon tang, let us serenade you with the bogan literary review, overheard in a Melbourne workplace:


“I’ve been reading heaps lately, just finished 50 Shades of Grey”
 

 “Yeah, that’s on my bookshelf” 

“Can’t wait for the next one, I’ve got it on order, 50 shades of Darker I think it is” 

 “I’ve heard it’s just as good”

 

Eat your heart out, E.L., if that is your real name (protip: it isn’t).


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113 responses

14 09 2012
singlemalt

Thank you. Those few excerpts have confirmed my suspicions and reaffirmed my resolution never to even pick up that particular piece of literary drivel. (Except maybe… to paraphrase chunks… after I select… a horny female nom de plume… and get to work… writing my internet masterpiece…). After a few tumblers of Islay mouthwash, of course.

21 01 2013
Pete

Yeh, fat chicks love this shit. The frumpier the woman, the more she gets off on this sad crap. Hot or skinny chicks don’t need it, they’re living it.

14 04 2014
ienai

but They LOVE THEIR CURVES!
( as a nutritionist, all I can think is- yes, good on ya, love yourself but honey, your well into obesity and that is so so sad. Not anything to be proud of, unless you like dying from heart attacks, type 2 diabetes, and infertility.)

14 04 2014
ienai

as a skinny chick ( I mean, ballet skinny. People try to feed me ) your right;)
Reality is WAY wierder than fiction!
You ever seen the people at a BDSM party? I have. Bogans love this stuff ( I was dj’s helper ).
Enough to make you die of boredom.

14 04 2014
ienai

There were even worse knockoffs at Myer. More designer name dropping, rather devil wears prada meets shades, meets hustler magazine ( and I havent seen one since age 12, so I dont even want to KNOW whats in them NOW.)
Having a peruse of another such, in storeoom, I think I may be scarred for life. Im a open minded woman (mispent youth, very) but I read things that really grossed me out.
And we sell this PORN right next to Nigella ( food porn) and kids books!
Cover versions of sisters of mercy ‘marian’ ( complete with wispy faux lesbia vocals) on musak, miss shop has lyrics of people shouting about getting it up the booty ( and full on fucking, mind you.ewww)
High Wierdness.
( “When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro.” Hunter S. Thompson )

14 09 2012
A-Bomb

I heard that this started out as Twilight fan-fiction. It seems that it’s just as badly written as Twilight, which I tried to read but could only get through half of the first chapter. I thought Andrew Bolt’s writing was the epitome of dumbing down prose so the bogan could understand it, but Twilight goes even further.

14 09 2012
Alyssa KT

Thank you, TBL. Thank you.

After ploughing through The Da Vinci Code, Twilight and Eat, Pray, Love, I promised myself to never again read a book that is popular with people who don’t read books.

Recently a friend on Facebook asked for “good book recommendations” and was keenly proffered Fifty Shades and Twilight by her bogettes BFFs.
I wondered if the end of the world may really be nigh…

14 09 2012
Blueballs

Don’t forget, reading ‘The Kite Runner’ (or at the very least flicking through it) gives the aspiring Bogan literati a solid grasp on the war in whatever

15 09 2012
AlyssaKT

Hey Blueballs, I’m not sure that Kite Runner is Bogue. ..

14 09 2012
Ash

It’s the end of the western world as we know it. This book and brostep are the irrefutable evidence.

14 09 2012
Shirley

Fantastic work lads.

14 09 2012
Tone

It’s great to see you lads back in form. The hibernation did you good.

As for the book, “Have you read ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’?” is the best pick-up line of 2012: if the target answers in the affirmative, one knows it’s time to quickly move onto the next potential recepticle of one’s molten liquid explosions.

14 09 2012
ColinJ

I’ve had the misfortune to read some choice passages of this opus.

If nothing else her use of adverbs is truly unforgivable.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Hi Shirl and Alyssa. They lost me at inner goddess………..

14 09 2012
Alyssa KT

Hi Simon :) Hi Shirley :) Hi All!

14 09 2012
Shirley

Hi!

14 09 2012
Shirley M.

Hi Simon! Did the post lose you at inner goddess, or the novel itself?

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Sorry, to clarify, from the post quote where inner godess is mentioned I knew that this book was not for me. Actually I probably knew that quite a while ago so maybe more like an affirmation of my thoughts. The boys are showing good form after their lay off. This book has been discussed by various mid aged ladies at my place of work. My mind tends to wander when this happens but apparently no thinks it is written very well (duh) but they read it anyway!? Anytime inner goddess or suchlike is mentioned I retreat to my happy place, no good can come from me entering that conversation, let me assure you.

Are you still cool Shirley?

14 09 2012
Shirley

Cool as f*ck. ;)

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I never doubted it. Any music recommendations for me? I’m very frustrated at the moment, haven’t heard anything new that grabs me for ages, it all sounds like calculator music. Maybe I’m losing my edge?

14 09 2012
Shirley

Have you listened to Jack White’s solo stuff? I really like it – also his other band, the Raconteurs, or Saboteurs as they are known as in Australia. Proper rock music.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cheers Shirl.

19 12 2012
moar caek

jack rocks.
proper. and i’m loving ash grunwald, but i’ll get over it
I cant wait until all this chillwave indie fakkotry drowns in its own narcoleptic drool.
coming soon “the nineties”
quod erat demonstratum:

Hey simon, wanna buy a semi in mary st?
too late I already sold it!

28 09 2012
dystopeon

try the band XTC, or J Dilla instrumentals or any proper punk music (see. Crass)

19 12 2012
moar caek

20 09 2012
daffodilsareyellow

The expression “inner goddess” just annoys the hell out of me. I don’t even know why. It just seems to be one of those sayings that means absolutely nothing!

21 01 2013
Pete

It’s just a marketing term used to suck money out of unintelligent women. Works pretty well my local pampering day spa proprietress tells me.

14 04 2014
ienai

My inner goddess wants to torch the Mall!
(Could they bring some real FOOD to the food court?
No wonder everyone is rotund, what used to be snacks, and treats, is now – meals! Second hand sex sold by the yard. Count me out. Im a literary and nutritional snob.)

14 09 2012
sick of white trash bogans

Castle in the Air? The Hoodoo Gurus just collectively shuddered. As they and froze in a combustion of time.

14 09 2012
Andy

I shudder to think of the carnage that will occur when Shaz (after reading 50 Shades of Grey) and Baz (after working himself into a frenzy while watching violent throat choking porn on the internet) get together after a few too many cans of Jim Beam. One thing is certain, in five years time, every second child at school will be called Anastasia or Christian.

14 09 2012
travo420

….or Grey

Have no desire to read the stuff that Penthouse Forum rejected due to it tameness, but am more than supportive of Mrs Travo420 recent effort in reading the trilogy (with sexy results)

14 04 2014
ienai

That worrys me. The last time I glanced at porn ( stack of it left behind, along with 600 buck psychic hotlne bills, from thrown out criminal housemates) – was 13 years ago and it was all chicks taking a tinkle, and grannies!
I shudder to think what amounted to prelim sex education ( thanks dad, those playboys had some EXCELLENT sci fi ) for myself, has mutated into.

19 09 2012
semanticmarmot

Possibly still a preferable influx than the fast-approaching ‘Renesmee’ generation.

14 04 2014
ienai

my manager LOVES both fifty shades and twilight. and shes a lovely girl next door, public school head prefect type.
why god, why hath thou forsaken me?
WTF?

14 09 2012
Beeky

or Steele …or Goddess …or Smoulder (or for those ‘whose are more awwriginal and stuff and not heard of much but’ … Smolder …or Smolda …or Smoldah.

…more shudders …making it into a movie.

14 09 2012
Ash

“It’s pronounced smolda!….say it frenchy!” “Never! It’s pronounced smolderrrrr”

14 09 2012
Alex

I much prefer 50 Shades of Frankston: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/50-shades-of-frankston

15 09 2012
Ash - Glasser of Carnts, Master of #124, King Of The MFing Mountain

It’s good to see you gents back, especially with something that I knew would be a natural TBL target.

As I’ve told everyone who will listen and plenty of people who won’t – a woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey is a woman who is in desperate need of the D.

15 09 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

G’day Ash, not been deported yet huh?

17 09 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Nope. Although I was almost quarantined when I returned to Australia from a month’s holiday in Europe in July after I got herpes in Estonia.

29 03 2013
soror ienai

ash- try some BHT ( a food additive. have a google. ) found in late 80′s by ex swingers. cheerio

14 04 2014
ienai

Ive done research on smart drugs and other antioxodants, and yes BHT ( order online ) will sort you out. And some Vaclovir + lysine, plus avoiding trigger foods ( mate tea, for coffee, and pepsi max for caffeine, is what I prescribe. Poor thing. )
Take all that, plus mood stabilisers ( if your the stress prone type ) and you’ll never see it again.

16 09 2012
martin

Hey dudes. I hope you have had many BJs Ash.

F#ck you Simon, listen to some U2.

16 09 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Hey, f#ck you Martin. Good to see you dude.

21 09 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Many, ya carnt. My holidays provided much opportunity for BJs and #124.

16 09 2012
martin

Yeah, they should read something more libtard like A Catcher in the Rye or something that promotes white guilt and self loathing.

Are Les Norton books bogan? I thought they were sick when I was younger.

“A likeable and laconic Aussie battler, Norton first appears in You Wouldn’t Be Dead For Quids (1984) and is described as stockily built with the signature feature of red hair. He doesn’t mind a fight, a punt or a root. “

14 04 2014
ienai

guilt. self loathing? this is the most narcissistic generation chunk EVER.
better luck hoping for abbott to explode soon. or something.

16 09 2012
martin

Can we declare Apple to be bogan please?

16 09 2012
AlyssaKT

Agreed! Nothing says bogan like brainwashed people queuing outside Apple overnight for the latest phone when their current phone still works perfectly well, and stores like JB HiFi are selling them with no queues.
iWankers.

21 09 2012
Right and proud

Look at them all- a blue shirted bunch of conformists. It’s like Lemmings meets The Smurfs!

16 09 2012
The Quote Train

Dear TBL,

#254 – Beats by Dr Dre please

17 09 2012
Tone

#255 – My Family Stickers
#256 – Hurley (the clothing label, not Warnie’s missus)

17 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

#43953 – Throwing their butts out the car window.

17 09 2012
martin

#57868 – Making fellow bogans obscenely and massively undeservedly rich.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/urbans-only-worth-that-much-to-idol/story-e6frfmyi-1226475728589

“Just days after the Aussie crooner confirmed he had defected from highly successful Australian franchise, The Voice, to the American reality program, his paycheck his been revealed – and it’s a lot less than his American judging panel counterparts.
Perez Hilton reports Urban will take home between $3-5 million dollars, which is approximately a third of the rumoured $12 million his new co-judge Nicki Minaj will be recieving for her debut season.
It’s approximately a quarter of the $18 million returning judge Mariah Carey landed for her second year, and similarly paltry compared to Ryan Seacrest’s $15 million hosting wage.”

Sometimes life being short is a good thing.

17 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

What the fark is a Nicki Minaj?

17 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

And Mariah Carey deserves all she can get. It must cost a fortune maintaining those tuts.

17 09 2012
martin

I don’t know. It looks like an it. Probably an Asian version of what’s her face weirdo. I before e except after c is bogan.

I agree with the bit about Mariah, she seems to recognise that’s she’s a tool and should be compensated for her empathy.

18 09 2012
Tone

Isn’t Nicki Minaj some sort of skin condition that leaves one’s complexion all orange and weird looking? Sort of like Janice from The Muppet Show.

18 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I knew I shouldn’t but I googled it’s image. I don’t need to listen to the music, I get the idea……………….

20 09 2012
daffodilsareyellow

You really do not want to know. Trust me!

20 09 2012
20 09 2012
martin

http://www.dailylife.com.au/dl-food/foodies-are-the-new-hipsters-20120919-266m1.html

Foodies are bogan. Sausages and chips and “salad” ie a bit of lettuce and tomato is the new black.

20 09 2012
martin

I think I’ve decided that the internet is bogan. All this information and supposed englightenment but we’re still the same bogans we always were. Or at least we’re still the same groups, swing voter bogans, libtards, and gullible main stream media watching rusted on liberal voters.

But maybe I’m the bogan for thinking otherwise.

28 09 2012
dystopeon

Do you people really think that this book initially sold more than a handful of copies? Like payola (see. globally consolidated music industry) this has been going on for nearly 100 years. They consign books or music (unsold) and claim this as the basis for “Top-Seller” charts. If people derive their tastes from statistics and propaganda, they don’t deserve to hear or see anything of value.

14 04 2014
ienai

you obviously havent read the truly brilliant, ” Bogan Economics.”
Sarcasm and doubt are the markers of intelligence ( not cynicism, or for that matter, fucking inclusion! and I have a disability! Even I hate it!)
These men are cast in the mould of Voltaire, Swift, and other humorous cutting writers of yore. I salute them!

14 04 2014
ienai

shit, you mean shades. i think adhd meds have worn off, sorry :/

6 10 2012
Matt

50 Shades of Socialism.

http://resources2.news.com.au/images/2012/07/23/1226433/113650-sarah-hanson-young.jpg

Here’s one to get the TBL Lads “freezing and pouring themselves onto themselves.”

The Anastacia Steele of Australian Communism.

18 10 2012
Nelson Esq.

Known as ’50 shades of slut’ in my extended family. Very grateful that Mrs Nelson has not taken up the ‘slut book’

19 10 2012
Pandabater

I was on a shopping site a couple of weeks ago & the top 5 selling items were the 4 50 Shades books & something called “The Wonky Donkey”.
Have fun ladies.

19 10 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

See, Corey Bernardi was right, beastiallity is in.

19 10 2012
Pandabater

Hey Simon how goes the music search? I have gone back to the future. Elton John, Tumbleweed Connection. 1970 BABY!!!!
Has the usual piano ballads but also Country/Funk fusion.
Unfortunately I have Sudden Hearing Loss in my left ear so everything sounds like a radio which is just out of tune.

19 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Cheers Panda, no good really. Maybe I’m just an out of touch old carnt? Should I just watch X factor till my brain gives in…..

19 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Something moar like this Panda. I want hollering!

20 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Holy cr#p Martin, we agree. F*cl you I feel dirty now.

Who’s this Psych dude?
Actually I prbly don’t want to know.

21 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Youtube “Gangnam Style” and you’ll know all you need to know. All the other kids are doing it. I’m passing coz I actually can dance and all.

21 10 2012
martin

You’re definitely out of touch if you haven’t heard of gangnam style Simon.

The best song of the last decade is S.Mouse with his eclectic “Poo on You”, he’s a gen x taking the piss out of the rap crap shit gen ys listen to. Gen y’s are massive gaylords when it comes to music. Youse may as well be listening to Neil Diamond.

21 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

It’s not all my generation. Enough of us like the good shit. I have about three albums from bands that formed after 2000 that aren’t my friend’s shitty garage punk acts.

I blame the Internet and MP3s. When people don’t feel music as a physical product any more they stop caring and just wanna laugh all the time. Hence, Gangnam Style and its ilk.

22 10 2012
martin

Nup. It’s because you’re all ghey. You’re all so conformist. Very little confused libtard or bogan anger. You seem to dissipate it by being civilised and watching Q & A. Although I guess a lot of you did the wigger thing in the late 90s and early noughties, that was very, very ghey.

But I meant the gen ys making music suck. Not people like you who know what good music is.

Grunge and alternative killed rock, it got so depressing and too left and poncy and weak and talentless and everyone went to dance and techno and rap crap, and then the pokies came in and killed live music.

22 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

True dat Martin. Your generation has all the taste of warm Corona Ash. But this happened in the 80′s until the next generation got pissed at the corporate conformity of the older gen and started smashing sh@t up in the garage and Alternative evolved. Hope it happens again soon, time for your mob to move over Ash. And take your farkin beats and auto tuned voices with you, they are Teh Ghey.

22 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

F*ck you Simon. Take your wimpy indie crap and shove it in your circulation-killing jeans.

23 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Lol – I’m too old for tight jeans. I go for comfort not bum crack

23 10 2012
martin

James Blunt has quit. I want to sue him for mental trauma. He’s gen x unfortunately.

http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/lets-be-blunt-he-wont-be-missed-20121023-282ly.html

That’s crap Simon 80s pop was good. At least they knew they were cheesy and ghey.

But to their benefit and ours, gen y seem to have woken up to how ghey they are.

“Awww facebook is so sicK! Look at how many friends I’ve got, awww. ”

“aww, maybe we aren’t so cool and are just a bunch of plebs like everyone else, awww, I thought that tatt I got and that bit of facial hair would mean it would make me immune from being a gaylord not guarantee it.”

If they’re lucky I might let one of them root me and transfer some of my gen x hard man into them.

23 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

You listen to U2 so James Blunt would appeal to you Martin. They both suck harder than a $10 Thai ladyboy. That’s true about 80′s pop in that they sort of knew they suck. Gen y think they are fully sik when they are really Rick Astley with tatts and their sisters jeans.

24 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

I’d help you find a girl Martin but if I did you’d be happier and stop being such a curmudgeonly carnt. And I wouldn’t want that.

Simon, you’re right, but fark you anyway.

24 10 2012
martin

Sif. U2 were great. Better than all the libtard shit you listen to.

That’s one of the reasons everyone went to rap crap and shit, it all went too libtard.

http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user5/imageroot/2011/10/full_retard.jpg

24 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

I’m with Simon dude. U2 are ghey as fuck. I don’t know any U2 fans who aren’t bogan.

29 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Festival Headliners
BDO – Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Future Sounds – The Prodigy and Stone Roses

No one told me it was 1989 again!

30 10 2012
martin

RHCP hit their peak around 1991-1992 with blood sugar sex magik, idiot.

Since then they’ve been pretty weak imo, because Frusciante lost it and left, then came back and they got old and lost their mojo.

You going to some festivals with the baldies Simon?

I have no idea who those bands are, except for Grinspoon, they had half a good song didn’t they? They were popular with goth bogans.

I’m getting pretty crusty. I like it, it means I don’t feel the need to pay, wow, $165 for bogan day out. That’s a lot of beer.

30 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

I’m going to Future solely for the Stone Roses and because the woman I’m currently giving #124 to gave me a ticket. Big Day Out can swallow jizz though.

Simon – You forgot Metallica headlining Soundwave.

30 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Oh yeah, and U2 suck.

30 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I might go to day on the green. Angels, Hoodoo Gurus, Baby Animals. Sounds like your kind of thing Martin. Don’t forget to put suntan lotion on your head.

It’s sad really, the only bands capable of headling a show are old. What’s going on Ash, surely this can’t be right?

And RHCP have sucked since 91 but that was a great album.

30 10 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Oh and Martin, Grinspoon have always sucked.

30 10 2012
martin

I wouldn’t go. The only people who see old bands are bogans with fat guts and too much debt in unhappy marriages with unwanted children so they can relive the good old days when they were unencumbered and there was a bee’s dick chance in hell that they might become something more than another bogan fucktard.

They are my sort of bands though. But I like to think I like them out of more than just self interest and just as much from a social engineering perspective, and also because they were better than the gen y gaylord stuff there is now.

30 10 2012
martin

I wouldn’t go. The only people who see old bands are bogans with fat guts and too much debt in unhappy marriages with unwanted children so they can relive the good old days when they were unencumbered and there was a bee’s dick chance in hell that they might become something more than another bogan f#cktard.

They are my sort of bands though. But I like to think I like them out of more than just self interest and just as much from a social engineering perspective, and also because they were better than the gen y gaylord stuff there is now.

21 10 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Oh yeah, Martin – current driving mix. Judge me carnt.

1) Same Ol Situation – Motley Crue
2) Let Us Hear Your Voice – Pennywise
3) Story of My Life – Social Distortion
4) Everything’s F*cked – Frenzal Rhomb
5) How I Could Just Kill A Man – Cypress Hill
6) Rocket Queen – Guns n Roses
7) Diamond Eyes – Deftones
8) Only God Can Judge Me – Tupac
9) Radio Havana – Rancid
10) Iron Lung – Cobra Skulls
11) Nothin’ But A Good Time – Poison
12) Sing for the Moment – Eminem
13) Life Is Beautiful – Sixx A.M.

14 04 2014
ienai

the goths may well carbomb you ( shades of Negativeland )

20 10 2012
martin

No, you’re not out of touch, gen y suck at music, big time.

20 10 2012
martin

It’s very good marketing. How do you get a bunch of vapid status obsessed yogan gold diggers who think they’re all good and classy but are really just hos to buy a piece of shit that should be $1 in coles in the mills & boon section?

You have the word grey in it, which is like the colour of their 4WDs and their personalities, you have the phrase 50 shades in it, which implies being artsy and you have a rich man in it.

Brilliant, as the poms would say.

Oh and as TBL says have declare some sort of feminism to it, so they can forget they’re a ho and pretend they’re empowered and shit.

25 10 2012
Beeky

I have a cookbook … ’50 Ways with Chicken’ … from 1991, so not very artsy; quite meaty though. Author is from Sussex … brilliant! and she has written 26 books on the ‘subject’ … brilliant again, but the mind boggles.

Other titles in the series: ’50 Ways with Salads’, ’50 Ways with Pasta’ and ’50 Ways with Vegetables’. … mmm, gives a whole new meaning to empowerment.

14 04 2014
ienai

50 ways with Liberal sponsored poverty more like it

26 10 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey

Thanks for the marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you
may be a great author.I will make certain to bookmark your blog and will often come back later on.
I want to encourage that you continue your great job, have a nice weekend!

27 10 2012
what are the best cigarettes

Genuinely no matter if someone doesn’t be aware of after that its up to other users that they will assist, so here it occurs.

28 10 2012
millicense

On the subject of it being poorly written, do a word search in the text to see how many times the author uses the work “cocked” in the book, as in, “he cocked his head”. Seriously…get a thesaurus!

14 04 2014
ienai

for a moment, i thought that was going to read ‘ he cocked her.’
does that exist yet, or have I coined a meme?

31 10 2012
Kombie Wombi, No Returns

Could we have jeans on push bikes and shorts on motorbikes please. They’re both equally ridiculous. Even outlaw bikie gangs aren’t tough enough to ride without leathers, but somehow bogans think they are more resistant to the road ripping flesh from their bones. As for jeans on pushbikes, they wouldn’t wear jeans jogging, what makes them think they’re suitable on a bike? Once upon a time a bogan would have their footy shorts to wear on the pushy, but these days no bogan actually plays sport.

Oh, and motors under 50cc. Apart from lawnmowers: bogan. Especially those kits they put on push bikes to motorise them. On the plus side, those bikes are a handy aural warning that the driver has DUIed their car license. And they ride like it too.

I also think the unnecessary wearing of PPE (flouro clothing) has moved from being a mark of a tradie going to or from work to being the preferred non-branded clothing of the bogan. The same goes for wearing work ID cards and keys when not at work.

Putting the radio on at work: bogan. If only because it’s always on 5AA where they are always talking about the bloody Crows.

Protein supplements because you are working out: bogan. Seriously most bogans shouldn’t be let anywhere near weights, they’d be much healthier doing more cardio to get their weight acceptable. And when the TGA banned Jacked3D you should have heard the wailing.

Discussions using the words “unconstituional” and “violation of my rights”: bogan. Basically the Consitution gives you three rights: you can follow any religion without the state being upset; you can vote (and thus also talk about politics); and if the government pinches your stuff it has to pay you.

21 11 2012
Jackie at Shook

Hi! My name is Jackie and I work for trend.shook.co. I recently saw that you blogged about 50 Shades of Grey. It happens to be that our next trend is all about 50 Shades of Grey – the trilogy. It’s my job to find some of the best blogs out there talking about this book so we can involve them in our next trend of 50 Shades of Grey. We are only selecting and featuring the top 50 blogs and and products and we selected you. Since you seem to know much about the series, we would love for you to pick any product that you think relates to the book and 1 or 2 sentences explaining why. Your blog will be featured on trend.shook.co with your blog name, link and picture to help you bring additional viewers to your blog. The photo will be near the product of your choosing as well as the link to your blog. This is only through November 22 at 14:00.

Hope to hear from you soon. My e-mail address is jackie@shook.co.
Have a wonderful day,
Jackie

14 04 2014
ienai

1 to 2 sentences-
finger down throat
legs crossed
I am forever tainted.

19 12 2012
moar caek

My wife has been pegging me since last christmas.
It’s awesome!
It’s also completely irrelevant, I just wanted to tell someone.

2 01 2013
anon

You know its funny reading your review now you mention it I only heard about it from woman, typical. A millionarie having sex, no guy would want to read about a millionaire that gets the girl, we men like patrick swayze because he doesnt need money. These female authors should stop writing romance there pretentious and all hype

14 04 2014
ienai

Nothing wrong with poor men.
My paramour, I’m having to send him money ( in UK poor sod )
I OWN his ass!
Money has naught to do with sexual allure- unless your fetish is wealth.

2 01 2013
FSoG - epitome of bogan literature

Reading the small amount of drivel – I mean, dialogue from the book (I couldn’t actually read the lot that you quoted, it was making me gag) has well and truly confirmed that my choice to never read the book was a good one. ‘Mummy porn’ is not a new concept – it just has a name that makes it sound like it has only just been created by the published works of E.L. James. What a load of shit.

7 02 2013
Duncan

Little off topic, sorry.

Oh dear, I found this place only yesterday.

It all started well, having a good laugh, but now all i have is fear, this place is just scary because of it’s accuracy.

Hit a little close to home when I realized that my ex was %100 bogan :(
Here I am thinking “it’s ok, shes from the country, they are just a little different” the whole time i was living a lie.

The signs should have been obvious:

Love for Australia’s home videos.God how I cringe at just the audio let alone actually watching the tripe.

She had some god awful made up name for her first girl child , most likely thought of when she was 15,my brain has forgotten it, but rest assured it was awful.

Years of pestering to get that oh-so-fasionable belly ring, even when she really didn’t have a belly worthy of exhibition.

Desire for “tramp stamp” which im sure she no doubt has now, hell she got a tongue ring just after we split, we all know what that’s for.

Finished paying of her first decent car, only to proclaim “I like the look of that SS in the car yard there, might see if i can get it on finance” ARGHHH you want kids, yet put a totally unnecessary performance car over something like, BUYING A HOUSE!

Almost had to tazer her to keep her out of hardly normals “but its interest free” ARGHHH!

Any time I would bring any intelligence to an argument I would just get hit with F’s and C’s, sigh.

Her mother was a classic example as well, last husband was pretty well of (not a bogan and not a bad guy) so she ended up with 150k or so when she left him.Now I don’t know about you guys, but I would put a priority on maybe BUYING A HOUSE.What did she do? New car every year with the old one sold at a massive loss, plenty of big TV’s,playstation,wii’s,designer pets that get dumped/given away when the novelty wares off and massive fish-tanks filled with expensive fish that they lack the skill to maintain so they inevitably die.Sigh…

I’m sure there is more, I guess I’m lucky she booted out (pregnant within weeks of leaving me) because I wouldn’t allow here to get that tramp stamp,ss commodore,give here that belly fruit she so desired to give it a stupid name and watch things on TV that made me want to cut of my ears and poke my eyes out!

Am I now a bogan by association? I only wish I had found this place earlier…

14 04 2014
ienai

She should be shot just for the fish.
Reminds me- treating dogs like stuffed animals, by leaving them alone 24/7 so they go mad and BARK CONTINUOUSLY, ALL DAY ALL NIGHT EVERY F_ING DAY.
I watched my ex husband go mad that way. He had a sleeping disorder to begin with. I surprised he didnt take a leaf from the USA code of psycho’s manual and get naked with a deer rifle on top of a post office.
( I work in retail, you learn to tune out enormous amounts of soul destroying sounds, or commit suicide.)

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