#252 – Tom Waterhouse

11 09 2012

The bogan’s life path is, like the rest of us, indeterminate. As a young boaglet, the child-spawn is faced with a plethora of careers, romances, possible criminal records and fast-food/energy drink-induced cardiac arrests.

The bogan is, however, rebellious. It don’t take no guff from no one. It does what it wants when it wants. If the bogan’s parents were lawyers and judges, then HELL NO the bogan won’t work to achieve those things. The bogan will sink bulk piss, glass some cunt at Lucky Coq, then slip into a life of blissful mediocrity, in a location where it is suitably less mediocre than those around it.

This would not have been the bogan’s life direction if it was Tom Waterhouse. Had it been, the general approach to adulthood and career would have involved sinking bulk piss then glassing some cunt at Lucky Coq, before arriving at the door of Freehills and insisting that because its relatives going back into the distant past could cobble together a half decent ambit claim that it should undoubtedly become a Freehills gun-for-hire post-haste.

Waterhouse, scion of Gai and Robbie (son of Bill), is attempting to parley his family heritage at setting profit-making odds for mug punters or training large mammals to run fast while bearing a diminutive, whip-toting pilot into a suave, 21st century gambling empire. The bulk of this is done through plastering every sporting event in the world with his plastic, smirking mug via any medium possible.

Watching ads for tomwaterhouse.com.au is the worst thing in the world.

The detestable little pustule even roped his poor mum into the ad to try to give him some kind of credibility, even though she is not actually a bookmaker but a horse trainer. This is pretty much like applying for a job as a RBA economist, then offering your qualifications as ‘my mum taught a TAFE course in household budgeting’.

He also decides to trot around the betting ring toting a big white bag with his name on it, clearly forgetting the number one lesson of stranger danger – children (and adults with the stature and appearance of pre-pubescent polo players) should NOT go out in public with clothing and accessories which have your name on it. Should Tom be abducted by a lolly-bearing murderess, this fundamental error will surely be to blame.

In essence, the Tom Waterhouse pitch is thus:

Some people to whom I am related have a history of taking money off people under the mistaken impression that they have knowledge about something that is effectively a crapshoot. In particular, the womb that I squelched out of 30 years ago has some tangential relationship to gambling. Therefore if you give me money to bet, you will lose less of it.

Never mind the fact that if reprehensible arsehat actually does have any greater understanding of how gambling works, it would be in his interests to offer the bogan odds that are MORE likely to lead to his garnering bulk bogan bucks.

The ads he puts together give the bogan the distinct indication that his services will provide it with some kind of insight – assistance in making the bogan the Mahogany Room hero it was always meant to be. Looking at the site indicates that he is a bookie. A bookie with a solipsistic fetish for slathering all of his communications with that eminently, eminently punchable face.

Waterhouse tells the bogan that he has ‘betting in his blood’. The bogan, overlooking the fact that it would be much better off betting against someone who wouldn’t know Black Caviar from Furious D, goes to the aforementioned website, and puts all of its money, again, on Cunning Stunt.

Tom Waterhouse, sitting in his hypobaric chamber to keep his rubbery maw rubbery, clasps his hands together and smiles.


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76 responses

11 09 2012
JohnB

Now, tell us what you REALLY think !!!

11 09 2012
djm

Thanks, this is another bogan icon I’ve learnt of for the first time from TBL, after Christian Audigier and André Rieu

11 09 2012
Bilbo

His mother may be a trainer (I think Gai (not Gaye) is married to Robbie, not Bill; Bill is Robbie’s father), but he certainly has betting in his blood. I haven’t seen any of these ads, but do they perchance mention that his bookie father and grandfather were warned off race-courses over the Fine Cotton affair?

Thanks for the fact-check. Our fervent desire to raise public awareness of this scourge led to some shoddy research. Consider this post amended. TBL

11 09 2012
singlemalt

Lose a few fins on the ponies last weekend, TBL?

Haha, in amongst drinking oneself into oblivion to block the Waterhouse mug from one’s mind, one may have tossed a couple of cheeky pineapples in the wrong direction…TBL

11 09 2012
tone 2

I’ve never heard of this guy before, but yes, his face looks entirely punchable.

11 09 2012
Le-a

* Glassable

11 09 2012
spewy

his advertising budget must be enormous his ‘highly punchable’ head is always on the box

11 09 2012
Toby

Go to google and type “is tom waterhouse”. Google will finish the question for you.

12 09 2012
Blueballs

That would explain why I can’t shake the feeling Tom and Jason Dunstall would be ‘mates’

11 09 2012
James Hunter

Hi Gang,
This new article, is full of merit and Do not get me wrong I am soooo pleased to see it. Give me something usefull to do aside from the Go Free Syria Blog. !
However( there is always an Whoever is there not?)
The writers do need to pay a little more attention to the use of commas and the disapearing use of the “Cambridge Comma”.
some of the sentences , notwithstanding the authors intent of humour, nonethe less are outrageously funny if one allowes to become confused as to the placing of the old pause or two.

11 09 2012
Robert

^ The strongest example of Muphry’s law I’ve ever seen.

21 10 2012
Oldgrumpyandproud

For fruks sake James Hunter, go and take some adult literacy classes. You’re embarrasing.

11 09 2012
7238398blunden

Gai**

11 09 2012
VitaminG

nice one, TBL. I just went on a tear on FB myself last week after seeing his poxy “I don’t know how they catch a ball but I’m happy to take your money” ad for the umpteenth time.

12 09 2012
Paul

LOL – Tom would know about maths, figures, formulas etc in his small left toenail then you would. To call him stupid completely under-estimates him and to be honest puts you in a really bad light.

You simply have no understanding ho9w a bookmaker (and its bookmaker, not ‘book-keeper’) and so to make up for this complete ignorance, you somehow tie him up with being a bogan.

Bogan behavior in of itself I would have thought.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Come back and see us when you can string 2 words together properly Paul.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

Paul, you’re the only one here to call Tom stupid or a “book-keeper”.

I’m sure Tom does “know about maths, figures, formulas etc in his small left toenail”. It probably serves him best there.

I don’t believe the article is calling Tom bogan. But he is capitalising on bogan gullibility that he has somehow inherited an inate gambling nouse because of his family’s connection to horse racing and he is now using those powers to help bogans to bet on football matches.

This is all just an effort to create cache for himself to draw bogans away from the TAB and other betting agencies, where they are offered the same services that Tom provides. But of course, his are better than some faceless corporation, because “it’s in his blood”

16 09 2012
Craig

I am sure most followers of TBL would agree that you are a fuckwit Paul and probably one of the very people this site loves to pull the piss out of. Now get down to the pub and glass some cunt.

13 09 2012
LH

I thought the bogan would know Gai Waterhouse as ‘sum place where them farkin’ poofs go to have saunas and do their bum rootin’ and other homo shit’?

14 09 2012
Paul

Simon, ’2′ is not a word, its a number.
Are you confused over a book-keeper and a book-maker as well ?

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m well aware of the difference.You don’t seem to be aware that this
“You simply have no understanding ho9w a bookmaker (and its bookmaker, not ‘book-keeper’) and so to make up for this complete ignorance…”

is an unintelligble sentence.

14 09 2012
Paul

I left out the word ‘operates’ Simon. Most people probably worked it out. Never mind, you didn’t.

Vitamin,
People bet with TW simply because he offers better odds than most of the corporates and TAB’s. And the reason he can do that is because he is simply a genius with numbers and has the ability to crunch them in such a way that his business still makes a profit.

People bet with TW because they want better value for their money. That does not make them bogans. It makes them sophisticated investors if anything.

Look, if people don’t know how a bookmaker operates thats fine. Its a niche business. But don’t show your ignorance by simply calling his business ‘bogan’ simply because you don’t understand it.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

This genuinely made me laugh, on a number of levels. Firstly, your comprehension skills are clearly lacking. Again, no one here has called Tom’s business bogan. But he is benefitting from bogan ignorance.

Secondly, his genius doesn’t lie in the numbers he crunches to work out odds – it’s in recognising that by offering better odds, he’ll attract more punters. Any profit hit he takes compared to the other betting agencies is well made up by the volume of new punters he attracts. Just the same as how JBHiFi can afford to sell CDs for $12 but your local independent CD would go broke trying to do the same. Lower profits, higher volumes = win for big business.

Lastlly, betting on geegees or sporting events with ANYONE does not make a gambler a sophisticated investor. That one was particularly funny. Speak to your financial planner about the “intelligence” of preparing for your fiscal future at the dog track. I’m sure they’ll have plenty to say about the “sophistication” of your plan

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Are you Tom Waterhouse? If so, f@ck you. Gambling is a vile industry that preys on the morons and bogans of our society and makes everyones life a little bit worse!

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Oh and Paul/Tom. Things Bogans Like, it’s the title of the site and a dead give away as to the intent of the posts.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

What’s to understand about bookmaking? Ensure you get more money in than you pay out by having the correct odds. It’s not rocket science. Not sure why you seem to think no one will understand this?

22 09 2012
Carlos the Jackal

Wow, Paul, you managed to sound just like an employee of Tom Waterhouse…

22 09 2012
Carlos the Jackal

“Sophisticated investors”? Through a f—ing online gambling service?!? I don’t know who you’re trying to fool with that bullcrap, Paul, but I’d suggest that TBL readers are more than likely to not consider sports betting to be either sophisticated or an investment.

14 09 2012
Paul

Ahh, poor simple Simon. Can’t understand a business model, gets it explained to him, still doesn’t understand it so now has to resort to profanity laden insults.

That is classic bogan behaviour to be honest.

14 09 2012
Paul

Vitamin,
How is it ‘bogan ignorance’ to get the best price for a product that you like?

What should they be doing – continuing to take unders or poor value. Would that make them ‘non bogan’.

So if I sell you an i-phone for $250 when Dick Smith is selling it for $300, does that make you (the customer) a bogan?

Funny concept of being a bogan if you ask me.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

it’s not bogan ignorance to want the best price for a product.

It is to consider yourself a sophisticated investor based on your choice bookie. Or to consider betting on a sporting outcome as an investment. It’s just one of the hooks that bookies (read: bookmaker, not bookkeeper – don’t want anyone getting confused or upset about THAT one again) use to suck the gullible in.

“Sports getting boring? Why not risk your family home on a tennis match? That will get your adrenalin flowing!”
“Bet with us. Our odds are more attractive. You’ll still most likely lose all your money to us. But it’s a smarter investment”

Bookies are not charitable organisations – they aren’t operating to make anyone rich but themselves.

14 09 2012
Paul

Simon – you clearly are miles out of your depth mate if that’s all you think that there is to it.

Do you understand bookmakers percentages?
The concept of arbitrage?
Bet backs?
Trading on Betfair?
Win and place betting and the correct mathmatical odds?
How does accepting bets at Top Fluc or SPG or Best Tote impact current position ?

Don’t worry – thoase are rhetorical questions. perfectly obvious that you don’t know.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Vitamin, it’s clear that you and I are out of our depth here arguing with one of the nations foremost mathmatical minds. How could we not realise that bookmakers like Tom and the Packer family are here to make gambling more attractive and profitable for the gambler. Obviously it’s more like a public service they are providing than a way to fleece bogans of their hard earned. I concede to your astuteness Paul.

14 09 2012
Paul

FFS – every business in the world tries to make his or her product more attractive to the consumer.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yep, and if you are fool enough to gamble Tom is as good as anyone to give your money to. I’m sure he will put it to better use than his sucke.. I mean umm customers.

I admire the people that can set up a business that extracts dollars whilst giving you nothing in return except that cheated feeling when you loose, they are good, very good.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

Tom is too great a guy to do it himself, but I’m sure Paul is only moments away from asking for charitable donations in an effort to keep TomWaternoose.com afloat.

It’s not easy maintaining a betting agency when you skew the odds so sharply in favour of the punter. You know, since Tom wants so badly for gamblers to win more.

Look out for the Waternoose family casino, where dealers will allow do-overs if you break 21 and the roulette wheel only has one colour, so everybody wins.

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Waternoose – Genuine laugh here Vitamin!

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Next from Waternoose Enterprises
Consentual date rape
Harmless Tobacco

14 09 2012
VitaminG

HA!
to paraphrase someone else’s joke:
putting the ‘sensual’ back into non-consensual sex

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

If it’s Tom he is probably putting the date back into rape. You just know he is a backdoor kind of guy.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

I can already see his next advertising campaign.

Tom sits at a table at the back of a club, pin stripe suit and a fedora pull low over his eyes. Smoke fills the room, making the ceiling feel about 5 feet high. Little men in helmets & brightly coloured silk tunic walk the room, lean against the bar, nurse glasses of bourbon.

A grizzled old bluesman sits on stage with a roadworn acoustic in his lap. Lyrics float down from the stage, “I’m your backdoor maaaan….”

14 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

What are the odds, Paul wants a piece of the action.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

I couldn’t say. I don’t have the mathematical genius of, say, Tom, to determine those odds.

14 09 2012
VitaminG

Tom raises his eyes, shakes a coffin nail loose from his unmarked cigarette box and talks to camera

“if you’re going to bend over for a bookie, come to TomWaternoose.com. Our house lubes come in all flavours and viscosities. Never take one dry again. TomWaternoose.com. It’s in my blood’

16 09 2012
urbanreverie

Urgghrgugrghuhgrughkurrghnt!

I’m watching the Australia v Argentina rugby match on 9 at the moment, and twice on the one commercial break two breaks in a row young Mr Waterhouse appeared, to inform me “I don’t know how they find the gap and get to the line, but I do know what punters want”.

You idiot. A 5 year old could tell you how to score a try: Brute force, teamwork, agility, spatial awareness, or any combination of the above. Yet a bookie trying to sell me a bet admits that he doesn’t know basic gameplay in a sport he’s running a book in?

Such brilliant copywriting. It makes 50 Shades of Grey look like Man Booker Prize material. I’ve now taken to muting the telly during the ad breaks.

16 09 2012
martin

Yeah he’s just a nerdy pencil neck loser and you’re better than he his so give him your money.

I’d rather go to a shop that’s called “Give me your money bitch”. At least I wouldn’t be told that the staff are nice and humble yet have to deal with a bunch of fairly arrogant uni students and their antipathy.

17 09 2012
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You’re watching Nein Urbz? LoL.

17 09 2012
Reinhardt

I think we are all missing something important here. Mr Waterhouse needs a bit more credit. Were it not for him we would not have what is arguably one of the most entertaining blog posts with equally entertaining discussion, and for that, Mr Waterhouse, we thank you.

17 09 2012
urbanreverie

I’m at a café in the city. I logged onto the café’s free wifi. The login page took me straight to the Tom Waterhouse website without my asking.

Truly there is no getting away from him. Can I please get a mortgage on a nice little hermetically sealed cave somewhere in the Himalayas?

17 09 2012
martin

You can’t even go to bittorrent sites without seeing Warnie. I agree it’s quite traumatising.

19 09 2012
Nelson Esq.

Hello folks, long time no read, Nelson Esq back here again. As non-boganic and upper middle class as ever…

The Tom Waterhouse site and all other online gambling sites are just avenues for the bogan’s #16 (Unimformed gambling). One might argue that #16 on #252 leads to the bogan being metaphorically #124′d.

If there is one gambling site a bogan would be more attracted to, it would be the 3 strikes site I heard advertised on radio recently. Lose once, the bogan is still happy as he ‘hasn’t lost his money’ and gets to punt again…loses twice, the bogan is not yet angry because he still hasn’t lost his money and he gets to punt again…loses three times and the bogan has now lost his money is ‘fucken pissed off at this cheating c*nt of a site’ but by now is hooked on gambling and will tip and lose a bucket load into it to try and retrieve the $100 he initially lost.

21 09 2012
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

It’s no secret that I have a raging gambling problem.

I would rather perform a circumcision on myself with a rusty knife than bet with this little turdlicker.

21 09 2012
Paul

Have a look at some of the dumb bogans on here.

Here is an ad starring a person that you think you don’t like (I have no idea why – probably because he has more money and is more successful than you) talking about a business that you clearly do not understand whatsoever.

So for that he should be mocked by anonymous losers on the interwebs.

I really have to laugh at the blatant stupidity some of you display with your comments here.

TW is a BUSINESS – Yes, a business. He is trying to advertise a product by making it more appealing to his customers. He does this by offering better value than his competitors.

This is not an original concept nor is it rocket science. Every business in the world more or less does the same thing.

Anyway, keep on wallowing in your ignorance. Most of you sound as dumb as dog shit to be honest.

21 09 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Paul, you complete peanut.

21 09 2012
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Ash, glass the carnt.

25 09 2012
Ash - Glasser of Carnts, Master of #124, King of the MFing Mountain

With much pleasure. *glasses Tom…sorry, Paul*

26 09 2012
martin

Get f#cked Paul. Gambling is bogan as f#ck. Idiot. You can dress it up as much as you want, true I wouldn’t mind being a trust fund kiddie who INHERITED a large sum of money and was spoon fed by some titans of business, but unlike you he will admit to his lucky position, therefore, you are a major, major bogan (typical rusted on Liberal voting c#nt parroting neo con/liberal platitudes), where as he is a lesser bogan.

Moron.

13 11 2012
Jason

“Most of you sound as dumb as dog shit to be honest.” But that’s just it Paul, you’re not being honest are you? Is Paul even your real name? As for your own erudition, your writing says it all.

15 11 2012
crazy eddie

Paul you never mention that Tommy W, like all other online bookies, will withhold services to anyone who actually wins. Yes, place your bets, but if you win you will be blackballed and not allowed to wager again. That’s not nice.

21 09 2012
daffodilsare yellow

Paul, you are so obviously on the Tom Waterhouse payroll (or may even be Tom Waterhouse) that you have zero credibility. Gambling can be packaged as nicely as you like, but the end result is always the same. At least you admitted it is a business and a very nasty one at that! Probably right up there with the drug and cigarette cartels.

22 09 2012
Carlos the Jackal

This is my guess as to why folks don’t like Tom Waterhouse:

He looks like a smug, slimy git in his adverts. He professes ignorance of stuff that is obvious to Blind Freddy in his adverts (as referred to by urbanreverie). And finally, he is a part of an industry whose marketing has become so insipid that it has worked its way into the sport telecasts itself and even programs purporting to be news bulletins – all with little more than a ‘gamble responsibly’ hidden away for lip-service, if that.

15 10 2012
BusterJMD

.. is Tom Water house … is Ian Tho rpe… is Tom and Ian….
making money of the poor and stupid, not really a crime, being a smug, entitled, closet.., weedy git – yes

27 10 2012
the horses arse

I havent laughed this hard for so long..you guys are funny

3 11 2012
Confide.Recte.Agens

Crikey cartoonist Andrew Marlton skewered Tom Watercloset in yesterday’s First Dog on the Moon: “Hi I’m Tom Waterhouse and give me your wallet, sucker.” Marlton is right – these ads seek to normalise and make ubiquitous an ‘industry’ which exploits that most pathetic of human weaknesses: magical thinking. I dated a punter for three months last year – enough for an insight into the stupidity of betting and predatory nature of sites like tomwaterhouse.com. After blowing his tax return ($2k) betting online, I bolted. For someone like my ex, the Tom Waterhouse betting app is a portal to ruin – he can bet anywhere he wants – all day, everday. Four generations of betting knowledge? More like four generations of Australians ruined by the Smiths and the Waterhouses.

19 12 2012
moar caek

gambling is bogan.
if you dont think gambling is bogan, then give me your money and maybe I’ll give you some back.
bogan.

19 12 2012
moar caek

…and I too would like to stab this smug little cunt in the face with a mallet. the reason he cant bat, bowl or ride a neddy is that robbie’s arm is so far up his arse he can’t run or sit down.
is that a fine cotton suit tom?

8 01 2013
Bogan Spotter

Carlos the Jackal, a very astute observation sir.

How ironic, we are usually making observations and comments on the consequences of elevating bogans to celebrity status. Little Tommy Waterhouse on the other hand seems to have turned the tables on us somewhat and shown what happens when a celebrity decends to bogan status.

13 01 2013
Gregg Dempsey

How can RACING allow a Horse Trainer /Bookmaker to be LICENSED and also MARRIED ??? !!! – Can anyone else see the ” Conflict of Interest ”
here ??
And then there was the ” PRODUCT ” of this union – The “supercilious ”
Tom !!
In spite of this “NEAT” little arrangement -the punter thinks he can still actually WIN !!
What a JOKE !!

22 01 2013
Paul

Its rather simple Gregg,

If you have evidence that Rob Waterhouse has laid a Gai Waterhouse trained runner for significantly more than normal and the horse ran poorly, then I suggest you present this evidence to the relevant stewards.

Your opinions on who should be allowed to marry who, are interesting to say the least !!!!

27 03 2013
Lovethispage

This page just gets better and better so concise, always makes me guffaw and chuckle with delight

10 04 2013
Karl

I would gladly give a fist full of $100 bills to a homeless person on the street before handing over one cent to that incipid dweeb.

27 04 2013
Sock Tucker Man

he offered money back if Pierro didn’t win a certain Sydney race last season, (up to $25 bets..GEE WHIZ..), it came second but the plunge on Pierro from that confidence was huge, as, his MOTHER TRAINS THE HORSE,…ho hum Australian racing is RIGGED BIG TIME. still a mug and his money are always parted…what about religion? don’t start me.

29 04 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

The only surprise in the current Waterhouse scandal is thet people are surprised. I just assumed everyone knew this is how horse racing works. Amazing how stupid and gullible people are really.

More power to the Zenophon, hopefully he can get this toerag off our screens.

15 08 2013
mcmontecarlo

Just a few days ago:
“UK bookmaker William Hill buys out Tom Waterhouse bookmaking”
for the Princely sum of 100M.

11 09 2013
Gai_Slaughterhouse

LEAVE MY BOY ALONE!!!

11 09 2013
Gai_Slaughterhouse

Oh, I almost forgot – Paul, I will not forget your courageous defence of the Slaughterhouse empire against the terrible people on this website. Come visit me at my stables to collect your reward ; 0

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