In an odd juxtaposition, the bogan, while poorly informed on almost all matters, will still have an opinion on most things, and is actually a relatively voracious consumer of media. The media have long known the enticing power of the bogan buck, and once their websites gave them the power to monetise bogan clicks, and the ability to count those clicks, internet news trends were set in place forever. While news websites are thus invariably plastered with images of women in varying stages of undress, links to stupid stories about bogans and various other trollbait, there has been an increasing move to boganise the news. When an event happens, it cannot simply be reported; there must be an angle of bogan interest. This week, this directive collided with reality with the force of several poorly-timed Jagerbombs.
When UK-via-South Africa brewing giant SABMiller made a play to buy out Foster’s Group earlier this week, it was a lead story on almost all newspapers and websites. Bogan fear merchants Today Tonight led with the story that yet another Aussie Icon Was Being Taken Over By Big Foreign Business. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t a great deal of news. SABMiller had offered $4.90 per share for Fosters, which was politely refused, and which pushed the company’s value up 30c/share. Moreover, even if the sale went ahead, there really wasn’t a great deal to report. The Aussie beer industry is already a virtual duopoly between Foster’s and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin). It would simply become a duopoly between Foster’s (owned by SABMiller) and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin).
We at Boganomics saw this, and shed a single lonely tear for the hard-working folk at Fairfax, News Ltd and Channels 7, 9 and 10. Even the ABC. So, in our guise as Maxtreme Consultants, we’re here to help. Here is the story of the sale of Foster’s that the bogan wants to read. After all, why let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?
To read our article in full, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog…
TBL, Remember Oscar Wilde,”If you tell the truth you are bound sooner or later to be found out ” This of course explains the veracity of Australian media.
Oh, James Hunter, Wilde also said that “by giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.” Your noble dispatches from rural Dogpatch confirm another Wilde quote:”Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life.”
I’m surprised our ranga bogan in chief did not claim credit for repulsing the invasion. Baby jesus knows she needs to claim credit for something useful!
Simon,
Do you know if the rumour that more Fosters is consumed in the UK then Australia is true ?
And, is the Millers the same Millers that had the brewery on Parramatta Rd near Liechardt ? That was there for ever.
Poms like sh*t beer so it could well be true. Can you actually buy Fosters in Oz?
Simon,
No idea if you can buy Fosters here. I realy do not know any one who would try !
Martin would, he drinks Corona after all.
I know one person who drinks Fosters. One out of all of the people I know. One.
He’s considered odd.
I don’t even think they brew it here any more. It’s like the British equivalent of the Australian made “imports”.
Oh, James Hunter, just because you do not, technically, ‘buy’ beer (because your habit is to wait for anyone else to do as much) spare me the assumed sense of entitlement regarding your beer preferences. Generally, if it’s wet and contains any amount of ethyl alcohol, you’ll neck it! That is the way it is, that is the way is always has been and that is the way it shall remain. Oh, James Hunter, learn from it.
“In recent years, Foster’s has consistently sold in the region of 5 million hectolitres each year in the UK, making it the best selling beer after Carling.[10] While international marketing of the beer often focuses on its Australian connections, Foster’s does not enjoy widespread popularity in Australia.”
There ya go James. Wikipedia.
Yeah I wouldn’t mind trying some again. I think I’ve only ever had a can or two.
I remember Singo did some ad that put shit on the Japanese. I think it was because they own Lion Nathan, so he’s also got a beer, Blue Tongue, but it sucks balls.
Simon, that requires both forethought AND a spirit of self-preservation….
Neither figures largely in either party.
http://www.couriermail.com.au/travel/news/budget-airfares-blamed-for-luring-bogan-travellers-rise-in-bad-behaviour/story-e6freqwo-1226080873014
Looks like Peter Thornton has been travelling JH!
Simon,
Sure does but he looks a bit too suave in the photo. Must have dressed up fot the occasion. Maybe made up as well ?
Oh, James Hunter, do you wear your (horribly shabby) full stage regalia or merely your soundcheck clothes when you’re ex Dogpatch International Airport (DIA – “where the big jet engines roar…”)
I have said it time and time again…bring in bloody dress standards. At the very least enclosed shoes and shirts with sleeves. And no fluro.
Because I do 70+ flights a year, this is one of my biggest problems with the bogan. No f#cking respect for anyone around them. It’s all about them.
F#cking bogans!
I loved the side story too… Budget tourists turn Noosa’s Hastings Street precinct from ’boutique to bogan’.
The bogan will tell you that it’s their way of supporting the Qld tourism ads that have flooded the media. Qlders can’t have it all ways!
Crap….now I sound like I’m defending the bogan
Noosa has always been bogan.
The white shoe brigade never identified themselves with bogans, but are probably worse. “Look-at-me” tossers.
Bugger, there’s anger in me today.
Have a Bundy and relax Mick.
Noosa is built on bogan foundations. A bunch of nouveau riche bogues raping the national park to build their multi split level houses on the sides of sand dunes, only then to cry out for help by the tax payer when said structures slide down the hill at the first sign of rain. These pharquewit pricks actually rallied to try and charge tourists to enter noosa and park while spending money at the local businesses, because by the time the locals drove the leased AMG E63 the 45 metres from home to the local uniquely organic Coffee Shop, some outsiders/tourist had the gall to make use of the parking bays along Hastings Street. It would seem that any Bogan Caarnt can rock up with $1.25m to lay down on a “Modern Beach Shack”, then cry foul to uncle Bob ‘AlphaCaarnt’ Abbott, within 10 minutes of the ink drying on the contract, that the great unwashed are ruining their vibrant little community.
Yep, put on his “going out” thongs. Bet he still ordered a Beam and coke though.
His good thongs are from Lowes, his everyday thongs are from Best & Less.
And his rooly, rooly good poncy thongs are from Surf Dive and Ski.
That’s another TBL, wearing surfy clothes when they don’t surf and often live very much away from the coast and go for a swim once a year.
That’s one thing that sucked about growing up on the northern beaches, in order to be “cool” you had to wear surfy shit.
Mining bogans wear lots of expensive surf gear. They travel to Bali a lot as well. Bali has great surf. You would think that there is some sort of correlation there.
No. The more expensive the surf gear the less likely one is to surf. I know chaps who have been there a dozen times and never surfed.
F@cking bogans.
Or wearing skating gear when you don’t skate…
Or metal gear when you listen to Britney.
I want to bash anyone who does this.
I wear surfie gear all the time, difference being that I surf pretty much daily between September and April and occasionally in between if I feel man enough.
In Gisborne Vic there is a surf shop called Scubies, and its sign says, “for the wannabe surfer”. I looked at it, then looked again. No, not a mistake or a pisstake. So while it supports the wannabe surfer, is the wannabe surfer ready to be confronted with the fact that thery are wannabes?
The Bogan will think that Wannabe is in Hawaii.
There could also be a place for that sign in the surfie shop in Alice Springs…
Martin,
I am worried for you. This comment and the next,show a familarity with Pete Babe that is a real concern !
I’m not familiar with Pete.
Oh, James Hunter, once again you’re getting ‘familiar’ with strangers!
Lame Pete, very lame.
Simon,
Instead of “stepping out ” thongs how do you think a pair of “Crocs” “Chmeleons” would look ?
Chameleons
Too dressy ‘cept weddings perhaps.
And, simulcast on the Bogue & Boguette Show Blog and Things Bogans Like for the first time ever, I bring you this week’s exciting episode of …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
(THE SCENE: It’s 9am on a weekday outside the Department of Housing office in the district centre closest to BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s McMansion. BOGUE, whose arm is in a sling and is wearing a shoulder brace, is walking along the street towards the office with BOGUETTE and their children AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN who are shuffling along in a line looking rather like zombies.)
BOGUE: All roit, kiddies, now remember, I want youse to be on your absolutest bestest behaviour, or believe me, you’ll get a farkin’ hidin’ when we get home. Y’unnerstand?
BOGUETTE: Oh, it’s all right, sweetheart. I gave them a triple dose of Ritalin with their brekkie this morning, no way will they misbehave today!
BOGUE: Ahhh, good to hear. (Leads his family through the automatic doors into the beigest office in the world – beige carpets, beige walls, beige ceiling, beige inlaid fluorescent lights, beige counters, beige pot plants. BOGUE takes a ticket from the automatic dispenser and sits down with his family on a row of beige plastic moulded chairs bolted to the floor.)
AUTOMATED PA SYSTEM: Ticket A … three … two … seven … to counter … five!
BOGUETTE: Hmmm, we’re ticket A368, we’ll be a while, I reckon.
BOGUE: Yeah, typical bloody guvment. Always keepin’ ordinary people waitin’ an’ shit. It’s not like I don’t have nuffint more important to do, I missed out on even more overtime today!
(The BOGUE family wait for what seems like an eternity, while the kids fidget, BOGUE paces around looking agitated and BOGUETTE stares blankly at Kerri-Anne Kennerley on the TV attached to the ceiling)
AUTOMATED PA SYSTEM: Ticket A … three … six … eight … to counter … seven!
BOGUETTE: Hey honey, kids, that’s us, we’re up!
(BOGUE and his family walk up to Counter 7, with a perspex screen behind which sits DESIREE, a bland, beige middle-aged woman with beige hair, beige, glasses, a beige cardigan and a beige complexion)
DESIREE: (staring off into the distance, has a bland monotone go-and-f#$k-yourself voice) Good afternoon, how can I help you?
BOGUE: Yeah, love. Don’t know how to go about this, but … yeah, anyway, our house is about to be repossessed in just seven days, and … umm, yeah … this is embarrassin’ and don’t tell nobody about this, but … anyway, we need a place to live, and we was wonderin’ if you’d be able to get us into a … umm, errr, houso … umm, Housing Commission place?
DESIREE: OK, have you completed an application form?
BOGUE: Umm, yeah … (hands paperwork to DESIREE)
DESIREE: OK, let’s see here … (inspects paperwork) … Have to move out due to repossession, have the papers to prove it, check … Have four kids, have their birth certificates, check … Your income … OK, your wife’s not working, you have a stat dec, check, your tax assessment notice … your gross income is a hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars a year? OK, what I’ll do is, I’ll accept the application, but I must say that it probably won’t be successful, your income’s too high so you’re not eligible for social housing assistance.
BOGUE: What? But I’ve got four kids …
DESIREE: I understand, sir, but the policy is that for a married couple and four kids, the maximum income you can have to be eligible for housing assistance is … let me see here … (types on her computer) … Yes, the maximum you can earn is sixty-one thousand a year.
BOGUETTE: Oh ploise, ploise, pretty ploise, give us a place! We have four kids and stuff! You can’t just chuck us out on the street!
DESIREE: I know, but with your income you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a place in the private rental market.
BOGUE: But we’re stone broke! Me Falcon XR6 has been repossessed, I’ve even had to sell me boat, we’ve put the kids’ tellies on eBay, I’ve pulled all me kids out of the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College and now they’re at the state school. We’ve got nuffint, believe me!
DESIREE: So, you earn well over a hundred grand a year and you still got repossessed? I’m sorry, but that’s not our responsibility. Surely you can try renting privately until you can get another mortgage?
BOGUETTE: Yeah, but there ain’t many five-bedroom places around, and the kids say they don’t wanna share rooms with each other and stuff …
DESIREE: Well, the Department of Housing doesn’t have many five-bedders either, sweetheart. The vast majority of our houses are either three or four. And even if you were eligible, it’s an eight-year waiting list around here. In any case, we only have so many houses available, and I’m sorry, but other people’s needs are greater than yours.
BOGUE: Yeah, like what kinda needs?
DESIREE: Well, let’s see here … (flicks through folders in her “In” tray) … Just today, I’ve received applications from a mother of three who’s trying to escape her violent husband and has submitted a pile of medical reports and police statements and photographs three centimetres thick to support her application … a seventeen-year-old gay kid who’s just been kicked out of home and disowned after he came out to his family … a Tamil refugee from Sri Lanka who was forced to watch his wife get raped and killed by a pack of soldiers and has just been released from Christmas Island with only seventy US dollars to his name … yeah. Those kinds of needs. Get it?
BOGUE: What? What the fark? So you give free houses and stuff to reffo scum, you gave a townhouse to me wife’s cousin who’s a farkin’ lezzo nutjob who’s never contributed nuffint to the world, meanwhile here’s me bustin’ me gut buildin’ the roads what you drive on, I pay me taxes, I deserve a house too!
BOGUETTE: Oi! Leave Shevonne out of this!
BOGUE: Shoosh, bitch! So you give houses to scum who don’t pay taxes, but not me? Where’s the fairness in that?
DESIREE: All, right? Do you want to know why we can’t give you a house? Do you really want to know?
BOGUE: Yeah, why?
DESIREE: Because the politicians in Macquarie Street couldn’t give two solid shits about public housing, because there are no votes in it. And do you know why there are no votes? Because of retarded rednecks like you who live in marginal seats like this one who think that public housing is just for scum and bludgers. (presses button on desk to call the next customer waiting) Next, please!
BOGUE: (arms folded, stares unblinking at DESIREE) What did you just say?
DESIREE: I said “next, please!”
BOGUE: (hyperventilates through nostrils, veins start popping on nose) No … what else did you just say?
DESIREE: I told you, I said “next, please!”
BOGUE: (runs up to a pot plant and kicks it over, sending pine bark chips and potting mix spraying all over the office) Urrghgurughghhkurrrghhnt! You bitch! I dare you to come out from behind that farkin’ perspex and call me a retarded redneck then! Then we’ll see who’s the retard then, hey! But naah, you’re just a farkin’ cowardly old cow, aren’tcha? You little …
BOGUETTE: Honey, stop it! You’re makin’ an embarrassment of yourself again!
BOGUE: Don’t farkin’ tell me what to do, woman! (to DESIREE) Just you wait! I’ve got the number of me MP, just wait until he hears about what you just called me! Who the fark do you fink you’re callin’ retarded? Where’s the farkin’ evidence for that? Urghghghkurrghnt! You’re farkin’ toast, I’m tellin’ ya!
SECURITY GUARD: (walks over from the corner where he’s been standing the whole time) Mate, will you calm down? I really don’t want to have to call the cops …
BOGUE: What the fark! First youse pr!cks give free houses to bludgers and reffo scum and p00fs an’ shit, and now you’re threatenin’ to arrest me! That’s it, just wait until I write a letter to the Tele about this! Carn, kids! Carn, honey! Let’s get out of here. Youse houso c#$ts make me sick!
THE END
I think I am a little in love with Desirée. Beige, beige, beige, beige, go eff yourself, next please. Then she no doubt goes home in her Hyundai I-30. Daria Morgendorfer grew up and tendered a liberal arts degree into a career in social services ? Or maybe Saffron Monsoon matured naturally (and understandably) into a misanthrope.
sad thing is, the terror would publish that letter and then get a whole lot more letters supporting it.
This is what happens when the bogan is given, what to many of us, would be a more-than-sufficient income to maintain a reasonably high standard of living for a family of that size, not that I’d encourage anyone to breed so prolifically. And on just the one income at that, where the other parent (I am not one to suggest that role be the sole preserve of women, for I would gladly do such should I be in such a position, of which I am not in as yet) become a full-time caregiver. I could only imagine the possibilities if I had such an income; I get by in adequate self-sufficiency and repay a mortgage—my only debt—on my small home on about half of that, still having enough to buy the odd treat, like a top-shelf bass guitar or amp, capital works on my home or an annual holiday (I’d sooner go over East for similar or slightly more money than visit their favoured overseas destinations).
But it’s just that, a treat…the bogan wants it all, like roight now, thus lies the problem. As I’ve expounded on many previous posts, the availability of easy credit has a lot to answer for and it’s no samll wonder that bogans en masse in reality are faced with the reality of foreclosure. It’d be pitiful if they were on what I earn or less, as that is what traditionally all the bogan would earn. But with so many in low-skill employment and nowadays being remunerated astronomically, I have little to no sympathy for their self-imposed strife. Sure there’s lots of pressure to have the latest gizmos via the media outlets they “consume” (rather apt here in the description of how they approach their media habits) and it takes an iron will to resist that tide. But it can be done. However, it is highly unlikely that they’ll have the gumption or good taste to detune Fuxtel/Se7en/Nein/Ton of Rubbish and their secondary channels from their maxtreme-sized LED/LCD/HD/HDMI/DTS/WTF televisions and remain subjugated to those channel’s whims of being good little consumers of the wares that are flogged on those stations, as much as they claim to hate the ads interrupting their viewing.
It’s all now coming to a head slowly: when this number of such folk in such a position reaches a critical mass, when they as high-income earners can no longer keep Australia’s consumption-based economy afloat (they are the last bastion of big-spenders; the rest of us tightened our belts a few years ago), then we’re all going to suffer.
Trust the bloody bogans to cook the goose that laid those unaccustomed golden eggs for them.
Bleak but true Bag’O.
Quality as ever Urban, but one suggestion for the future – with all yr recent focus on Bogue, we haven’t seen Boguette showing her bogue-ness as much recently. Maybe we need something there?
What Ash, filing nails in a beauty salon on a Housing Commission estate isn’t bogan enough for you?
Nope. We need a special with her taking the kids to Westfield.
I just got back from one of my bi-annual trips to Miranda Fair. I’m spending the rest of the afternoon sacked out on the couch watching Live! Tonight! Sold Out!. At least bogans haven’t liked Nirvana since the late 90s, given that Cobain was a p00fta who killed himself and all.
When I read this, why am I picturing Desiree as being a relative of Barbara from Bank World?
And kudos to you, urban! It’s about time TB&BS had its own home. Friday is becoming the best day of the week here; not so much for the blog but for TB&BS. (although the Boganomics blog is usually spot on, too)
Wow! Things are getting serious for bogue!
Just HOW do you get inside his head Urban?
I almost feel sorry for him, until he opens his mouth
LMAO! The funny thing is, I’ve NEVER been hooked on a series before but
I can’t wait to read what happens next ….
Beautiful Urban. Will The Stefanovic ride in to the rescue brandishing his logie and righteous indignation?
On the back of a suitably saddled & blinkered Tracy Grimshaw.
That’s fairly disturbing
Panda.
Not the Stefanovic…Today Tonight. Where Bogue should have gone from the start.
You can’t spell ‘Bogan’ without “Boag”. Which, incidentally, was sold off to overseas interests many years ago.
I drink Boags. I thank you for not bagging it.
I’ve introduced bogans to it on quite a few occasions. They have always commented on its taste. Thought they enjoyed it. Obviously not.
They go straight back to their XXXX Gold or Midstrength. Perhaps Boags should start selling blocks of 30 cans.
Sorry Mick, I’m with yr bogan drinking buddies on Boags. I’d rather drink XXXX (and I’m not a Queenslander).
F&ck Ash, XXXX?
*glasses cunce*
Simon
When I was a kid i thought XXXX was something used to poison mice and rats. Now having tried it I can see i was on the right track.
100% JH.
There are about 15 beers I’d drink first though.
Ash,
After 15 beers i suppose it would not matter !
Oh, James Hunter, ‘after 15 beers’ you’ve just finished breakfast.
Yer. I can list 15 beers better than Boags.
Big Helga,
Fat Yak,
Beez Kneez,
RedBack,
Sheaf Stout,
Sassy Red,
Guiness,
James Squire’s,
Cooper’s,
CORONA,
Toohey’s Old.
Ok, I’m all done, that’s 11. Close enough.
Me too, I think Boags, whilst drinkable, is very overated. It just tastes all poncy and bloated, not what I want in a beer, if I want poncy and herbally like I’ll drink tea.
Beer is made from grains and shit so it should taste like grains and shit and have an earthy taste. Motherf#ckers.
I’d rather have a XXXX.
That’s why I prefer ales, such as Cooper’s Pale (my fave) or Sparkling, or a rich, creamy and toasty stout.
You can have both a down-to-earth flavour without too many poncy overtones/undertones and a top-notch brew, as ably demonstrated by the Cooper’s core range (their Mild Ale leaves other mass mid-strengths in the dust). But the Rool Men of the OSB type in the West will still cling dear to overpoweringly malty beers like Emu Export (known affectionately as “wife-beater’s p¡ss” or the almost-as-nasty Emu Bitter (bitter by name, and even more so of those who imbibe it)…yet I’d rather be caught blowing the froth of of either of those two down-home tinnies or (the brewery) CUB’s Melbourne Bitter or Carlton Draught, than stoop to the utterly flavourless dross so beloved by CUBs, like Tooheys Extra Dry, Corona or those mass-market locally-brewed foreign beers that are enamoured by the NaB set.
During my up north days Emu Bitter was my brew of choice. Not had it for years since leaving the West but I liked it’s bitterness as opposed to the sweet abomination that is VB.
XXXX tastes like chemical waste flavored with nuclear wasted, pissed in by Joh BP and left in the sun to fester for 5 years before being strained through rotten cat carcases.
I shudder to think how you came to know the taste of all that Simon….
We wine ponces can detect suptle flavouring in liquids!
Boags (and Cascade, for that matter) is sold in 30-can slabs. You just have to live in Tasmania to be able to get them. That suits me just fine, because the Tassie beer is much better in glass than it is in a can.
And there are plenty of bogans in Tassie that drink the canned stuff…
TBL boys, your work has officially spread to bogan heartland. Yes, yesterday I was at a small bookshop in Cronulla just near the beach – saw a copy of the TBL book on the front stall. (I thought about stealing it, but in the end bought it honestly).
I’m going to New York for two weeks tomorrow – my uncle has terminal cancer and only has a few months to live, so the family’s going to see him probably for the last time while he’s still up and about. I’m taking the book as a gift for him.
Have a good trip Ash, sad time but update us on US Bogues. All the best.
Sympathies Ash, hope your trip brings him some measure of comfort & happiness.
Take care Ash, and safe travels. Sorry to hear the sad news … I hope you can pop onto TBL while you’re over there. Excellent choice of gift too. Leave your uncle with a smile on his face. Assuming, of course, that he is familiar with Aussie culture – my American friends simply don’t “get” TBL (though my Canadian friends understand it completely, even though they don’t know some of the specific words or personalities mentioned).
And of course, I know you won’t forget to watch The Bogue & Boguette Show. You’re my No. 1 fanboi
Cancer is so bogan. F#cken cure it you p00fter uni going libtards.
Hope you enjoy your trip apart from the bit with your uncle Ash.
Martin, that is almost better than your maxxtreme haiku.