The bogan’s prayers are with Charlie Sheen and family today after the actor was rushed to hospital early Thursday morning, Hollywood time, suffering abdominal pain following following a reportedly “wild” house party. Wise reader, in one click or less, please predict the bogan’s likely response to this tragedy.
Also, in results from last Friday’s poll, the most likely Australia Day bogan scenario was “The bogan will accurately predict the winner of JJJ’s Hottest 100, as it and all of its friends voted for it” with 22.3% of votes, narrowly beating off the similarly probable “Some cunt will get glassed for putting a vegetarian sausage on the barbecue, and not telling a bogan which one was which”. It’s worth noting that both of those two scenarios would have occurred in numerous backyards around the nation, often within minutes of each other.
I was going to select a) but given the bogan’s propensity for expertise in areas in which they will never be relevant or influential, d) is more appropriate. c) is more likely to win the poll, though.
hope he dies and the bogans emulate that.
more likely he’ll come back in a pair of skinny jeans.
charlie’s got his finger on the pulse.
Can’t be bothered with voting for anything Carlos Estevez.
I voted e but bogans debating film merits in hindsight is a poor choice, probably b really.
Who won last week guys?
Pretty sure it’s impossible to vote in just one click (unless you really love the tab key, I guess)
c) makes the most sense, cause it means the least deviation from the bogan’s plan.
The bogan loves panic consumption though. Witness what happens if supermarkets are closed for a day. The bogan fears running out of Pepsi max and chips and buys trolley loads of both the day before.
That’s almost as amusing as the people who call radio stations on Christmas day enquiring which bottle shop is open – because they drank it all the night before!
I hate Good Fridays for that reason. I’ve been caught out a few times stinging for a drink. That and bloody Catholics eating fish or chicken because they’re “sacrificing” themselves by not eating red meat. Fcken hell.
Get fucked, bigot.
X marks the spot,
One does not need to be a bigot to hate the caflicks. Their policies on birth control are a menace to an overp[opulated world , their antipathy to women in anything other then a domestic job is so medieval and their rational regarding same sex unions is irrational.
So you see X there lots of reasons to dislike the caflicks with out being bigoted.Bigoted implys an unthinking and rigid dislike.
Score
3,4,2,5,1
I’ve always found catholics to be divine.
Oooo somebody attacked me. I’m not a bigot, I think most religions are quite silly.
It was such a Catholic response too – full of forgiveness and love. X really represents the Catholic church well. It must be fun to run around telling people to get f#cked because they don’t agree with your religion. Makes me want join up. Almost.
Yes it doesn’t give you much faith in humans when they see a fairytale as set in stone. One of my relos is Cafflick and we had to eat chicken for dinner on Good Friday.
1. It’s offensive to force non catholics to do it.
2. It’s so demented, how is it one iota giving up anything? It’s like having a quarter pounder instead of a big mac. Maybe if they didn’t eat at all I could respect their so called conviction.
My vague understanding is that the whole fish on friday thing was started by a Pope in the late middle ages because the fishing industry started using mass fishing techniques and had an abundance of fish to move. As the bible says not to eat meat (and I thought chicken was meat??) on a friday, this was handpicked out to be used as a new rule and eventually bast@rdised into “catholics must eat fish on friday”.
reminds me of the “vegetarians” who “only eat chicken and fish”. Why not just say you don’t like red meat? Because you certainly don’t care about killing and eating animals…
Chicken is not allowed during lent. You are correct. It is considered meat and Catholics are not permitted to eat it on Fridays during Lent. I can still remember eating Cod on Friday during Lent – yuk!
I was raised in the whole Catholic catastrophe – private Catholic girls school, mass every Sunday. etc. My three brothers went to Catholic boys school as well. None of us attended mass past about age 18, but we all send our kids to Catholic schools. I do it because you get some say in their education because you are paying for it, and there are less bogans and undesirables in the private system, especially in the area I live!
Let me say, that some of the people I have encountered in the catholic faith are the most un-christian people I have ever met. Some of them faithfully attend church every Sunday and go through every sacriment – first communion, confirmation, etc for their kids. Yet you find that they have not spoken to their parents in years or they are busily screwing an ex-partner for all he is worth in child support payments whilst he is almost destitute. The Catholic primary school my son attended (he is now in Year 12) had more single mothers than married ones. So much for Catholics being anti-divorce. I helped out in the Outside School Hours Care at the time doing their books and the amount of people who just refused to pay because they knew the school had a policy of not chasing down bad debts was outrageous. I asked the committee if it was OK to ring some of the parents to chase down the debts and even though I remained polite at all times, some of these Catholics got so abusive that I was reduced to tears. How dare I ring them at their homes and ask for money. These same people would piously put their small change in the plate during church on a Sunday and make sure that everyone saw them doing it.
In the areas around Perth and the South, the Bureau Of Meteorology has issued a tropical cyclone warning as TC Bianca is on a direct trajectory, so there may be a run on all sorts of things—essential, as well as the less-than-necessary—tomorrow at the shops.
No doubt the bogans around here will be rubbing their hands in perverted glee, though none of them will take heed by taking prior sensible actions such as securing or removing loose outdoor items and cleaning out their gutters (I’ll be on my roof tomorrow checking as such).
i’ve just emerged – miraculously unscathed – from the local supermarket. It was noticeably busier than is usual for a Sunday morning, and yes, there was some evidence of panic buying. I assume they haven’t heard that the cyclone has been downgraded to a mere rainstorm. One customer was sighted purchasing four CARTONS of tinned tomatoes.
We were unscathed too, thankfully. However, traffic into the shops in Innaloo was crazy busy. The exit off the freeway at Cedric St was backed right up back onto the freeway, and then getting back out onto Karrinyup Road was just as bad, and everyone was driving like retarded monkeys in bumper cars. I can only put it down to panic shopping.
While probably chanting lyrics of “I’m on the drug that’s gonna kill Charlie Sheen” to the River Phoenix song.
The bogan will have to “rip shit up” as it were because od’s are back in the spotlight.
has he been to ‘rehab’ yet?
I’m sure I saw an ad for him on Foxtel the other day with him on one of those celebrity rehab shows bawling his eyes out into some womans cleavage.
Was he *actually* bawling or was it just a thinly veiled attempt at motorboating?
It was a very quick shot on the ad so I’m not sure. Could have been just another excuse to stick his face in a woman’s tits.
he lives in rehab, only goes home for holidays
And to “work”, if that’s what you call “acting” on Two And A Half Twits.
Turns out his pain was a hernia – The press must be pissed off now. Bogans will rejoice by going out, scoring and getting powdered up.
I think the bogan prefers this explanation.
ACTOR Charlie Sheen allegedly received a “briefcase full of cocaine” in the hours leading up to his wild party with a 22-year-old porn star and four other women before he was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital yesterday suffering severe abdominal pains, TMZ reported.
I was just laughing at this.
A “briefcase full of cocaine”
say 15-20 kilos would be worth
say 8-10 million dollars.
Now thats a fckn party.
Charlie is Maxtreme. And 5 women, he must be taking lessons from Sting.
I’d go to that party.
Ash, one word of advice: bring a packet of dingers, for two reasons. One, so you don’t get a bad case of herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia or some other form of cock-rot, and two, so you can scoop up some LA snow (it doesn’t snow there in the meteorological sense, but Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles and Warren Zevon were all responsible for the Great LA Snowstorm of Winter ’76-’77; Mr C. Sheen is the one blowin’ in the snow this Northern Winter!) and take it home as a memento, to create your very own snow dome.
BoT, I carry a few with me at all times in the perpetual hope of a casual sex opportunity with a female appearing out of nowhere.
five women, no wonder he needed a suitcase full of coke
That lucky, lucky bastard! Love him or hate him, that sounds like one hell of a good party!
Hernia, right. Probably some other “groin” related injury. Maybe he was pulling his “groin” too much…
I voted “C”, because you cant spell Glassing Cunts without “C”.
A more likely option may be “fervently discuss Sheen’s maxtremity with fellow bogans while watching a ‘Big Bash’ 20-20 match on their 75 inch plasma screen on Foxtel, the account of which is 4 months in arrears due to an inability to curb their maxtreme spending habits despite a rapidly depleting available balance on their Platinum card.”
Equity maaaate!
charlie sheen is a tryhard.
last one. pure gold. archer is even cooler than Xander Crewes. season two premiered about an hour ago I think.
I think my favourite movie he was in would be Major League (the 1st one).
I vote Platoon.
Platoon and Wall St. He was so young back then, he certainly acted older than he was.
He was beyond his years then, now he’s 45 or so going on 20. Oh well good luck to him I say. Minus the violence against women.
The reason why Two and a Half Men is so successful is merely because everything else is just so bad. Not because it’s very good.
care factor on
a) Charlie Sheen
b) what bogans think of Charlie Sheen
Double zero.
This sentiment, whilst rational and factual (perhaps, even, BECAUSE it is rational and factual) is not a Thing Bogans Like. TBL
I voted A because there are always bogans in JB Hi Fi, and as Simon noted, bogans do like to panic shop. Look what happened when Michael Jackson overdosed.
I concur
It’s also an investment strategy. The whole “Imagine what the full set will be worth if he dies?” thing.
Good call AP. The bogan loves investment. As you walk into the grand sitting room the Charlie Sheen collection will be proudly displayed by the bogan who will explain how they “got in early before they were worth something”.
You will notice the $5 special Big W stickers on the cases but decide to only laugh on the inside.
There will be a special collectors edition showing all of the porn stars Charlie has banged.
2 and 1/2 men and porn. Licence to print bogan money.
In fact I might make and sell some fake US $100 bills with a picture of Charlie banging ho’s on one side and the cast of Two Half Wits calling women b!tches on the other. The bogan’s can snort their cocaine or cheaper meth through them.
I do believe that the bogan will forgo the $5 special from Big-Dubya if they have the opportunity to procure the ‘Special Collector’s Edition’ that is also ‘Platinum’, ‘Exclusive’, ‘Limited Release’, ‘Mega Maxxxtreme Awesome’ or all of the above, for only $59.95 dearer that the regular edition.
And if a limited edition shirt from the Charlie Sheen range is thrown in, and/or one of V’v's deluxe $100 bills is included, then the bogan will undoubtedly be willing to pay up to $99.95 above sale price for this ‘exclusive’ pleasure.
Exactly what I was going to say. Boganicus Rex fancies itself a canny investor.
It already has #2863 of a limited edition 5000-print run of Fat Shane taking a wicket, and THAT’S held its value magnificently – despite the GFC, it’s only lost 60pc of its original retail price. And Warnie’s in no apparent danger of dying.
Charles, however, could buy the farm any day. So imagine how little value BNIB sets of 21/2M will lose – probably only in the vicinity of 20-25pc. Winner!
And THAT, my friends, is called negatively gearing.
I thought this story was hilarious with its briefcase full of cocaine until I remembered that this sorry excuse for a human procreated with an equally vacuous trollop.
Now I cant get “the kids dont stand a chance” out of my head…..
Charlie Sheen isn’t in Young Guns 2, sillies!
Yeah he got shot by the guy in the dunny in the first one.
See that is why your IQ is 142 and mine is only 137 Shirl
And that’s why the Bogan will choose Young Guns in a landslide…
Things Bogans Like needs to give us an all of the above option.
It’s more likely they will get powdered up and enjoy the weekend until whereupon the two alpha-bogans will get into an argument over whether Charlie Sheen or Warnie is better. A 3AM glassing and trip to Nepean Hospital will ensue.
damn!
that’s the best handle I’ve seen since Pandabater.
I thought a handle that inappropriately mocks the disabled would be apt, given the content of this site.
When in Rome after all…
Anyway,
Bogans revolt @ the prospect of forgoing two Coronas or a bottle of Jamiesons Run/week to aid flood reparations.
Where’s your “Aussie Mates” now?
Bogans demand fed govt stop giving their hard earned tax dollars to Queensland refugees. Libs declare rorters already flying in from Romania.
Victorian Teen prepares Suicide Video before heading north to assist with clean up.
Bogans declare “Qld govt caused floods by not releasing water into Murray River last time it rained.” (seriously! My Favourite Bogan told me that one. Are they adding extra incredulity to Mother cans?)
*not actual news.
haha – wouldn’t surprise me at all if it was found on ninemsn
Flood joke time!
Floods waters have created mayhem in the rural town of Rockhampton. Locals, who usually reside on the town’s riverbank, have been seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering ‘Faar canalll’. The ‘Second Chance Ministry’ food van has had to relocate to continue to feed the locals.
The flooding of the Fitzroy River has devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. At Depot Hill, areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken by the rush of water well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Rockhampton Bulletin reported mayhem on the streets as hundreds of residents were left confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rockhampton.
One resident – Tracy-Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said ‘It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes
came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River
slept through it all.’
Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of bourbon and coke and cans of paint to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the debris and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards,
jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after – items most needed include: flannelette shirts,
Wranglers, singlets (blue & white), Ugg boots, sparkly backpacks and any other items usually sold in The Warehouse or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
gold.
except you can’t get a packet of winnies and a lighter for fifteen bucks.
just gimme twenty and I’ll bring you back the change.
eventually.
maybe.
Since the big flood event, my sister has found out how much FUN it is to knock out a wall with a sledgehammer.
She’s been seen roaming the streets, sledgehammer on shoulder, asking random strangers if they need their walls smashed up. She’s just brimming with the helpful spirit.
Destoying walls with sledgehammers is a wonderful and underrated experience, I highly recommend it if you haven’t tried it so far.
Wielding a sledgehammer is underrated?
Absolutely, it is surpassed though by the axe.
I actually quite like Joachim as a potential kids name. I wouldn’t do it though, I couldn’t condemn someone to a life of saying “no, it’s not joe-a-chim”.
Now he knows how we feel when forced to watch one of his episodes of Two & A Half Brain Dead Men. Immense abdominal pain.
Only his pain was caused by laughing too hard whilst watching television:
http://m.smh.com.au/lifestyle/people/charlie-sheen-taken-to-hospital-after-laughing-too-hard-at-party-20110128-1a7a0.html
I’d love to know what he was watching, any thoughts to throw your perrenial wit at fellow regulars?
probably Young Guns.
I think someone told him a joke involving the fat kid, #124 and Gerbils.
Or he was watching australia’s second favourite comedy The Big Bang Theory.
Watching the network sign the contract for $2mill per episode.
“Science” for bogans
I’m suprised Chuck Lorre hasn’t graced the pages of TBL yet…he’s a sitcom machine!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Lorre
The Big Bang Theory is actually an OK show.
Two and a Half Men, on the other hand…my father, who is an educated, well spoken man who’s about as far from being a bogan as you could imagine, loves the show. That’s the best I can say about it.
*glasses Ash for admitting to liking BBT*
Simon,
AND his father likes 2 1/2 men
He’s f#cked I tell ya!
2 & ½ Men beats all of the emotion drums &
pushes all of the sitcom buttons.
Dominant leader, weenie side kick,
smart arse precocious kid.
Add in the laugh track which is almost
continuous & you have Comedy 101.
They use the John Blackman method &
have a constant low giggle running which
triggers our social instinct to join in with the pack/joke.
Even seemingly intelligent people can’t resist.
Pandabeater,
The “key” word in your comment is “seemingly”
I know what you mean there James,
but I have been disillu by the number
of people who I thought would see through
the charade, like the show.
“disillusioned”
New Inventors
Bogan holidays are ruined….
http://www.theage.com.au/travel/travel-news/more-flights-cancelled-as-passenger-anger-mounts-20110128-1a7us.html
Some kunt is gunna pay for this….
Sell your massage oil & bead futures NOW!!!!
And some can’t go to Bali, due to flight cancellations caused by volcanic ash activity in the vicinity.
That’ll p¡ss them off maxxtremely. That means that they’ll have to wait a little longer to buy Bintang tanks and act like stupid Aussie tourists.
http://www.perthnow.com.au/travel/bali-flights-halted-by-volcanic-ash-set-to-resume-later-today/comments-e6frg3tu-1225995903502
Is Bali still the bogan tourist hotspot? I thought Thailand had surpassed it… During many a bogan conversation about travel one can be heard to say “I’m going to…” *snigger snigger… “Phuk-et…”
The first thing I did – was look up the pornstar that he was ‘partying’ with…
Damn…
Hmm… my image has changed…
Perhaps if I use the right email address??
yes, but don’t tell everyone – they’ll work out how to be incognito
The first thing that I did – was look up the pornstar he was ‘partying’ with…
Damn….
Who was he ?
Bree Olson. Check out her twitter page, it’s a bit of an eye opener.
Or Melanie Rios.
*Heads for cold shower*
*On the way to local coke dealer*
Being an avid consumer of pornography due to my relative inability to get a root, I was acquainted with Ms Rios’ name.
However, after Googling her, I can safely admit to taking a very cold shower myself. Let’s just say there’s a very lucky guitar somewhere.
I have my quirks. One of them is a button which is set off by spousal-batterers. I just can’t separate the public persona and private person.
Same.
Even if 21/2M wasn’t utterly banal shite, I’d still find it difficult to chortle away at the allegedly witty repartee and bon mots delivered by Mr $2m-Per-Episode Bride Thumper.
I have abused both Bono and Sting in the past for being King Hell Spankers but people like The Sheen make them look like the Dalai Lama.
He goes through his show with his “I’m getting $2m for this” smug grin and then proceeds to rip sh#t up and contribute zero to society despite his wealth and position. This horrific self absorbsion and sense of entitlement is far worse than spankerism. He makes me sick and people like that need to be pulled back to earth and sporked
So libtards would prefer it if they didn’t have to whore themselves to Hollywood in order to live a sordid life of debauchery whilst contributing zero to society?
Not sure I follow Martin. But if the best he can come up with is belting women and rooting hookers then he is a pretty sad dude.
Is ‘laughing too hard’ a euphemism for stuffing a midget porn star up your clacker while snorting coke off an ocelot’s ballbag? I hope so, otherwise the story would definitely confuse your media-savvy bogan.
horror for the bogan! sheen’s checked into rehab and filming for two and a half wits has been cancelled: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/8203498/charlie-sheen-checks-himself-into-rehab
Young girl at the local hamburger shop just asked me if she recognised me from the telly. Could it be I remind her of young Charlie? The horror! THE HORROR!
Oh, hang on, that was his dad’s movie…
Breathe, Mick. Breathe.
Could have been worse. I know a quiet, decent, no-bull$hit bloke who is forever getting mistaken for Eddie Maguire.
You know it’s bad when even the porn stars can’t keep up with him:
#6969 – Popped Collars
You are not on the set of Miami Vice. Put the collar down,
How Charlie Sheen has managed to waffle his way through adulthood (I use the term “adulthood” very loosely,) and not end up in prison, broke or dead is a mystery for the ages.
But hey, dat caaaaarnt lives life to the max, ‘bra!