There are some words that, by their very presence, indicate that absence of the thing they’re supposed to mean. Bogans adore these words. If a bogan feels the need to indicate that it is in control of a situation, it is not. If its clothes are ‘couture’, they are not. The bogan likes to eat, wear and listen to things that are ‘classy’ and ‘sophisticated’. They are not.
Some time ago, the bogan realised that it didn’t mind listening to something that wasn’t David Guetta or Kings of Leon. Much as the bogan is enamoured of those artists, it knows full well that they do not confer the requisite class or sophistication that it craves. Moreover, the bogan’s definition of ‘classy’ music effectively means that it has a slower tempo than its more frenetic counterparts.
Ministry of Sound attempted to capitalize on this by simply removing the processed beats from Guetta and his ilk, then adding whale noises. The bogan, while intrigued, simply saw it as ‘cool’, not ‘classy’. It wanted both. It knew of Sinatra, of Van Morrison, but they were old, and the bogan, in its quest to be cool, needed to listen to something ‘new’ and ‘fresh’ as well as ‘classy’.
Then, as with every time the bogan wants something, there was a marketing genius attuned to bogan needs ready and willing to rush in and fill the vacuum with the speed of Guetta’s processed beats. This time, it was a Canadian midget who, through various crafty camera angles and performing on the show of our very own diminutive bogan avatar, managed to convince the femme-bogue that he was hot. He then begun to sing the songs of Sinatra and Morrison. Badly.
He had the bogan about thirteen seconds into his cringe-inducing reproduction of ‘Moondance’, as he mimicked the Robbie Williams formula of bogan-baiting by wearing a tux and engaging in a great many finger-guns at the camera. The bogan instantly was imbued with class. The male bogan knew it now had an insta- means of pulling max hot sluts, by virtue of the classy music it listened to.
Confronted with the corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie model at the local glassing barn, the bogan hesitated before proclaiming that the Bublé song being covered by Appletini on the stage above was awesome. ‘What, Sinatra?’ the CLCLM asked. The bogan mumbled something before shuffling off to find a classier chick.
Now THAT’s funny!
What happens if Guetta does a Buble remix? If you tell me this has already happened, I’m going to glass myself.
Well, I thought the well of things-that-are-intended-to-mimic-things-that-are-classy-or-classical-but-fail-miserably had run dry, but then TBL goes and amazes me once more.
Bravo TBL. Bravo.
I think this ties in /partially explains the appeal of Andre Rieu to the Menobogue too.
And the Bieber boy to the tweenbogue.
Have you heard the Bieber songs slowed down 800% on you tube? – it sounds even clarssier and surprisingly like This Mortal Coil with Whalemusic. Google it and have a listen.
Here’s a link.
That’s better than bad. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s actually not bad.
What worries me though is whether or not listening to concentrated Bieber may have any health effects. I’m thinking along the lines of acne, diabetes, or – even worse – Bieber Fever.
Tone, Just keep your knickers on, if you feel the urge to throw them at young girlish lads or even lady boys, stop listening immediately and put on some Kings of Leon.
You know what, that’s just fantastic. Who’d a thunk it? Reminds me of hippie meditation stuff you get in the Blue Mountain vegan spas. I’m reacting by hankering after a juicy bacon and egg roll. 2 days of nuts will do that for you.
Dear God it’s endless but.
Thanks, Dr Viv. I’ll keep that in mind!
i heard that a few weeks back, sounds almost sigur ros-ish.
Only, nowhere near as good as Sigur Ros!
well true.
Can you imagine a bogan accidentally hearing Sigur Ros (and it would only be by accident) and declaring ‘but you don’t know what they’re saying’
i think they’d ask why they can’t sing in bloody english.
Yes, my point exactly – but can you imagine if they then accidentally heard them sing the only song they did in English – it would confuse them no end.
Jonsi’s solo album is filled with english. So they may latch on to them afterall…
Fortunately there is too much going for him that would turn off your average bogan.
1. Jonsi is gay, but unlikely to share celebrity gossip on a morning show – no boguette points to be gained.
2. Jonsi is blind in one eye, 2 might be maxtreeme enough, but 1 wouldn’t do it for a bogan.
3. He plays guitar with a bow – too arty, perhaps if said bow had a laser attached, or was bedazzled;
4. They are foreign,but not from somewhere the bogan could take about with immediate authority;
4. Hoppipola, if known to the bogan at all, would immediately be associated with David Attenborough documentaries, therefore considered possibly educational and hence uncool for bogans;
I think they are safe – mind you some right twats went to the Heima film premiere / acoustic show and asked some of the stupidest questions I have ever heard. I don’t think they were bogans though, but they were up the back and may have been.
i think they’d just see the pictures of jonsi and decide he’s far too gay to have anything to do with.
In FUCKIN’ English, p’bee. Get it right.
isn’t he too young for a comb-over?
bieber, that is
The last time Rieu landed in town a muso from the conservatory opined that he played with the skill of a gifted 12-year-old. Which would have put said muso guy at risk of some kind of menobogue fatwah and living in fear of his life.
but he’d be able to move faster the rieu’s fans so they’d never catch him.
That may be the case, pb but I’ve always viewed the menobogue kind of like the hippo. Slow-moving most of the time but capable of a lethal turn of speed when provoked. When I told my mother-in-law that Golden Mullet Boy played violin like a 12-year-old I nearly lost a kidney.
I have been waiting for this post for too long, you almost had me lose faith in you tbl.
you sly dogs you.
Not ‘Finger Guns’ TBL, ‘Finger Bangs’…
You’d have thought they’d learnt from larry david, the dangers of “finger guns” or “finger bangs” as you call them.
they’d have*
Now all I can think of is the ‘barracuda’…
I don’t know why I googled, but I am so glad I did – it ties in yesterdays and today’s posts so neatly. And I learnt some new filthy. I thought i was too old to learn new filthy. A good day:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=habanero%20finger%20bang
You should visit the profanisaurus, Viv. I too thought I was somewhat of a PhD in filthy, but not so.
I thought ‘Finger Bangs’ meant something entirely different…..
So did I, that’s why I googled it to see if I was wrong. Never expected to discover the joys of Habenero Finger Bangs though.
We would be mad not to incorporate the Habenero Finger Banging concept into ‘Food for the Arse’.
and the Habenero Buttsucker shouldn’t be left out. Only for the maxxtreme
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Habanero%20buttsucker
OMFG.
Not possible. That act is absolutely impossible. Isn’t it?
I suspect its made up and am not willing to try it! Some of the other entries on that site seem very suspect, including
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=habanooten
I believe all of it except ‘Scientologist orgies’.
Good to see you are a discerning reader Shirley. I totally believed it all. I was a little perplexed about how one ran a train on ones mother’s anus though?
I knew that one already, but here you go.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=run+a+train
Oh, we call that “Stirring the Porridge” where I come from.
Noice. Clarsy. Just noice.
It is clarsy, but nobody wants to be called a Porridge Pot though. Another good for Food for the Arse though.
Absolutely.
I doubt anyone wants to be called Central Station, either. Especially one’s own mother.
Surely being called “Fortitude Valley” would be considered lucky in some cultures?
You’d think so. Especially now that it’s an historical reference.
The HFB – needs to be listed under the Finger Foods Chapter – perhaps a “finger lickin good” comment under a photo. Just for clarse.
HA! Finger foods. Effing GOLD Viv!
I thought the only Buble fans were old grannies. Maybe they are all bogan grannies & are grannies by age 40? Do they know he’s a chronic dope smoker? All I know is, Michael Buble shits me to tears. Chubby little twit.
No, my sister – who I once described as borderline bogue, is a big fan of Buble. She is under 40 and not yet a grandparent. She is on a razors edge now.
ah, michael buble – the world’s foremost talent in elevator music. the man has no personality in his voice. he is the only person i’ve heard who can make ‘feeling good’ sound like a dirge.
oh god, i just discovered there’s a pussycat dolls version of feeling good. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
Anyone who has the word ‘crooner’ in the description blather of news stories is an automatic fail as far as I’m concerned.
Cue Harry Connick Jnr.
In the contemporary press, certainly. But the original guys, like Dean Martin, are sublime.
Dean seemed to do everything so effortlessly, that it must’ve taken a lot of work. Compare his version of Sway to the Buble one and you’d have to wonder why anyone would continue to listen to Buble, but of course most wouldn’t search out Deans cover.
That, and the man certainly knew how to get drunk.
And that’s what seperates class and the bogan. Deano would be smashed and yet still be highly entertaining.
Bogans just get smashed.
ah, but they would think that they are highly entertaining
Maybe I could use Deano as a guide for women. If I play some Deano classics whilst courting and the girl guesses the artist correctly then I’m on a winner.
So, ‘Finger Guns’. I’ve been wondering what that’s called. The Hipsters around here seem to be using them Ironically lately.
Give him 20 years, this Buble chap will undoubtedly bloat into Bert Newton.
Just yesterday I saw some fool, half dressed and on roller-blades swerve out in front of oncoming traffic, and he gave the driver a finger gun. He was right in front of a bogan-stopper pole / roadside florist too. I was hoping lightening would strike twice in the same place, but alas, he rolled on unscathed.
I’m convinced I know this person. If it’s the same guy I’m thinking of, he’s no stranger to being injured as a consequence of his own stupidity. And the finger bang is totally within character. He’s an absolute wild man of action sports.
Haha. Nobody could ever be as ugly as Bert Newton or the Newton family.
The Bubble also seems to be a favourite with well behaved middle class girls-sadly I know a few.
Perhaps he looks like the kind they can take home to Ma. Except there was the unfortunate Emily Blunt episode.
PS: Why is there a corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie model rebuffing bogans in every other TBL post?
“…at the local glassing barn” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Well done TBL. HAHAHAHAHA
LOL. What does “glassing barn” mean, Pinky?
You can do better than that Fi. Come on now…
Hey Pinky ! Good to see you back
Hey ya Viv
Trying to get back… That was a p!ss weak effort from madam though. I’m starting to think she has a thing for me Viv.
Reminds me of one of the watering holes in my local area which I take great pains NOT to drink in. My Dad’s mate’s son was thrown through one of the plate-glass windows there a few years ago. He bled out on the pavement outside long before the ambluance could get there.
And it very much the glassing barn. One massive room, jam-packed with local Rugby Union idiots. I hate the place with a passion.
How are you anyway, Pinky?
Where is this place Sten? So I may never accidentally end up there?
I’ve been better, Sten, but my Doc’s assure me that I am getting better. It’s a long road, but you know, what can you do? I don’t get a say in the matter. Just wish I had more time for TBL.
How are you?
Hey Pinkster
Good to see you back, and in form. Clearly it’s a long and pretty shitful road, but stick it out.
You could also look into flogging off any excess medication to the local bogues – market them as MaXXXbrayd’NNe, tell the ferals that it’s like a viagra/speed/eccy hybrid which will also extend their fake tan, and it’ll sell like hotcakes.
x
I knew a drag queen who used yo sell Effexor as E’s in sydney nightclubs many years ago – she’d sell them to other drag queens and muscle marys and we would spend the night watching them carry on thinking they were Eeeing off their tits on an antidepressant that takes two weeks to take effect! Great example of the placebo effect. My friend made lots of money from suckers and we had great entertainment. She always said that she was doing a community service by keeping bad drugs off the street. That was her excuse anyway..
The kind of meds I am on would kill them…Hold on…That’s not such…
If it doesn’t hurt them, they may give them a personality.
Hello P!nky! Good to see your presence again.
I hope this round of treatment fares well for you—as for me, I’ve been the best I’ve ever been for most of the last two months, now that I’m out there doing things that I love, combined with a far healthier self-prespective. So life’s been great, living true to my ethos, as well as meeting other likeminded individuals. Met a new drummer in our community jam band last night: he too has had long row to hoe as ourselves have had, and also he admires the fact that in spite of relative inexperience as a bassist, I can lock in perfectly with his bass drum and wants to from a band with me in it!
I have faith that you too will have that awakening and acceptance, which truly bursts the jammed door off of the hinges, for I know you too live an examined life…you will get there, I know it in me bones
Hey ya Baggie
Thank you so much. I have been diagnosed for many many years and have been in treatment for a long time now (16 years gulp!). I have been not fairing so well due to a change in therapists and mental health strategies. I accepted a long time ago that I’m not a “normie” and usually am the first to laugh at myself, something changed there for a while, but hopefully I am back on track. I am difficult to treat due to my disorders and the fact that most of the meds used to treat them, I am either hyper-sensitive too or they send me into psychosis. So that’s fun. I also don’t like to be fully medicated because I loose some of my “Pinky Spark” and can’t think and be creative or connect to people.
That is excellent news RE the band. Do you think you will do it?
I am staying as active as I can in the mental health community, I work as a second chair for 4 people and support them in between treatments/therapy. I do find it hard but so rewarding at the same time. When I get my degree, then I will be able to do what I know is my calling in life.
Wish my calling was to post on TBL everyday…LOL
I’m so glad to hear that you are better and finding happiness.
Still giggling over “Glassing Barn”. Will that ever get old? BAHAHAHAHA
Thanks again for your kind words. So many people are just hideous when it comes to mental health.
I will keep fighting on, if only to annoy the sh!t out of Fi.
It’s called the Blue Gum Hotel, in beautiful Waitara. Not only is it populated with Union idiots, but the place has no character or charm whatsoever.
Glad to hear you’re on the way back. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you, Pinky.
As for myself, eh, same as usual. No complaints, I suppose, apart from a bit of a hangover.
The Bubble’s notoriety as a bogan favourite were sealed when he featured on an episode of Kath & Kim.
Sigh, I have a confession to make.
I am going to the concert in Feb 2011…. but in my defence its a gift for my mum, because Dad wouldn’t take her…..
If you see a news story about a really, really, REALLY drunk person who glasses themselves during “Moondance” with a plastic wine cup, then it was a pleasure to read here & I bid you all Rieu, I mean “Adieu”
view it as sociological fieldwork. probably the only way you can get through it (relatively) unscathed.
going off-topic now. i know leggings have been mentioned from time to time, so i thought i should let you all know about the latest legging style i saw this morning – stretch velveteen leggings. it was the sort of fabric you buy for about $10 at lincraft, really horrible stuff, shiny and yuck. i hope this doesn’t become common.
They sound like a soothing cover for a fresh brazillian.
Zinger!
The vajazzling may make for a more ouch experience though.
The velveteen should keep the crystals polished and shiny. Win for freshly waxed, vajazzled boguettes in velvet leggings
Now that you put it that way I am convinced the velveteen is solely intended for freshly waxed, vajazzled boguettes and their freshly waxed, vajazzled cougar mums.
pb, I am afraid velveteen is here to stay.
i’m trying very hard not to get disturbing mental images. very hard.
Vivienne Westwood is doing stretch sparkle jersey leggings. It was probably D&G who came up with the velour leggings concept first, both this season and way back in 1991.
I’m just a bit sad that the hipster from bogan stock has popularised “vintage” ’90s fashion. Have we learned nothing from the ’80s revival?
- First time commenter and avid bogan/hipster hater (I cannot be the only one who thinks these filthy, inner city polluting peasants should be shipped back to their outer west homes).
His last name reminds me of my favourite form of contraception…
But Buble doesn’t sound anything like jerking off.
LOL. His voice sure does.
This is true. He is the physical embodiment of self-love.
Seriously, he belongs in the same circle of Hell as Amici, Il Divo and all those tenor boy bands.
Indeed, he is aural onanism.
Fiona we know you love a bit of Buble with your glass of port in the evenings. I hear he is quite popular with folks in your area.
“He then begun to sing the songs of Sinatra and Morrison.”
That should be began.
Heh, I actually think Buble is alright… but as a muso it does shit me when people talk about “Michael Buble’s songs” without knowing where they actually came from.
That being said, though, no amount of finger pointing by anyone is OK. It’s just not Nike.
it’s not that he can’t sing as such – he can hit every note, at least from what i’ve heard – it’s just that his singing is so robotic. there is absolutely no human feeling in it.
That’s it exactly pb. My beloved and I do a version of sorts of ‘My Way’ and it KILLS his, not because we’re especially good, but because we f*cking mean it.
sid vicious’ version on ‘my way’ kills buble’s.
It does. But ours kills his.
There’s history of bands/artists covering other artists work which end up better. One song I would like Buble to cover is Ben Folds’ ‘Bitches ain’t shit’ which was a cover from Dr Dre. Ben Folds owns that song as do the Beastie Boys cover of Benny and the jets.
Buble needs a personality implant, Kim Jong-Il’s will do.
horrible horrible horrible limp wristed little man
Leave the limp wristed out of it – he’s straight. We don’t want him. As far as I am concerned , he is another good example of why straight people shouldn’t be able to marry and / or have children
I love you Viv!! BAHAHAHAHAHA
Pinkster,
Good to see you back and in good form
Hi JH
**Waves at iMac**
The exxtra classy bogan does know that his songs are from Sinatra and co.
But he’s “just as good” of course
If this chump anbd Andre Rieu ever decided to team up it would be like a bogan holocaust, with bogue heads exploding across the contry.
Hahaha, well maybe this could be considered “community service”?
Bublé + Rieu covering Cold Chisel = the perfect constellation of boganstance.
With P!nk pole dancing in the background whilst doing back up vocals. Maybe that twat from Masterchef doing some devil fingers and air punces too.
all decked out in ed hardy.
LOL @ MasterChef® Air punces. Priceless mental imagery.
They’d have to do their national anthem – Khe Sanh – it would be unheard of not to hear it at a maxtreme bogan BBQ.
Off topic, I know, but it seems that not even South Africa is safe from the ravages of the outer-suburban new-age bogan. Here’s today’s post from my SECOND favourite website, the South African satire site, Hayibo:
http://www.hayibo.com/traumatized-midrand-homeowners-to-sue-tuscany-over-non-tuscan-houses/
Ha! Believe it or not, one of the blog authors actually spent about a month living in Midrand. It’s urban sprawl partway between Johannesburg and Pretoria, and is not good. TBL
Nice:-)
While I’m not all that familiar with South Africa, I can spot a parvenu a mile off. Excellent post.
tbl, have your authors been everywhere?
We’re working on it!
In other news, we received copies of the forthcoming TBL book today. It’s very…. yellow. If anyone in Melbourne of Sydney sees someone with a copy of it in the next few weeks, it’s one of only about 25 currently unleashed. TBL
Am thinking it had better be better and more unputdownable than the unputdownable Phaic Tan (my benchmark for books).
As a huge fan od Sinatra and the whole Rat Pack, I am still going to defend Bubles honour. I completely disagree with people commenting that he doesn’t have a personality or that he doesn’t do the songs he sings any justice. Buble Brings his own style to these classic songs and without him many people would never hear them.
Sure Royal Crown Revue and Big bad Voodoo Daddy and many of the other Neo Swing revivalists cover the odd song on each album but never do you see them doing massive tributes to the masters of Swing and easy listening (except for BBVD tribute to Cab Calloway). Sure the Bogans may not have heard the original recordings, but at least they are listening to these great and wonderful songs.
P.s no one does My Way better than Sinatra!!! No one!!!!
Is that Bubble in the photo or Rosie O’Donnell?
*wine snort*
This is completely off topic and I apologise for that, but it’s just tooo good not to post. Also, I couldn’t work out which previous TBL post to put it under… so many to choose from really. Read it and weep, kids.
http://www.news.com.au/business/shane-warnes-bid-to-spin-gold-with-packer/story-e6frfm1i-1225913568162
OMFG!! Every poker bogue and his over fake tanned, made up, sluttily dressed bogue-moll will do almost everything to get into the ‘Warne Room’. Packer surely knows how to get the bogan dollar; he is surely on a winner…
You know how people talk about ‘the final straw’? The ‘bridge too far’? The mythical point which is ‘beyond a joke’?
Well, this is it.
*assumes foetal position, sucks thumb, hums tunelessly, rocks*
I’ve been waiting for this one.
Michael Buble is the new Wayne Newton. Bring back Mel Torme
P.S. My mother tried a Buble album as a gift for my father, so
as to broaden his range from traditional jazz. He returned it
for credit, and used that to buy traditional jazz. ‘Nuff said
John Mayer is the new guitar god and blues god of the bogan and bogette. I keep meeting people who regard him as greater than Jimi Hendrix.
frankly i’m surprised those people have heard of jimi hendrix. but yes, i’ve heard people with similar opinions.
who?
you don’t know michael buble? lucky you – keep it that way.
Buble is not a midget- he’s of average height. Why even mention his height? I suppose the writer’s taller and his extra inches make him feel better about himself.
I like the feeling Michael injects into the songs he sings. It’s so much finer than all those irritating shouting ‘Divas’ that try to force feed us emotions.
For those who can’t see past the obvious, he sends himself up when he does all those bogan-bating moves.
he is better than the ‘shouting divas’ as you put it, but that really isn’t hard.
While changing channels I unfortunately came across a Michael Buble concert and he was doing his version of Me and Mrs Jones. What used to be a poignant Billy Paul number about two married people involved in an affair turned into a jaunty pop tune at the hands of Mr Buble. He completely stripped it of any depth or emotion (as he does with most of the other songs I’ve had the misfortune to catch a snippet of).