#169 – Mild Curries

30 08 2010

The bogan is maxtreme. We’ve covered that. But more important than any actual maxtremeness is the bogan’s unshakeable belief in its own maxtremeness. Nowhere is the steadfast nature of this belief better demonstrated than at the local Indian restaurant, where the bogan invariably orders a mild curry.

Despite the bogan’s equally unshakeable belief that Indian migrants are a drain on our employment and education resources, it can simultaneously prove that it is not racist and that it is totally hardcore. Simply by heading down to Tandooroos, loudly proclaiming that it can’t wait to get stuck into a smoking’ hot curry, the bogan is enlightened and awesome. However, when faced with the option – the wise Indian restaurateur will always offer the option – of Hot, Medium or Mild curry, the bogan will lower its gaze, and whisper in hushed  tones ‘mild please’. At this time, the bogan will briefly recall the first and only time that it replied “hot with extra hot” to a waiter, only to spend the rest of the evening yowling pitifully and having its lips swabbed with a damp face washer.

The bogan believes that, despite its gastronomic incapacity for spices, it will remain x-treme, so long as it maintains the illusion that it can power through a radioactive vindaloo. This results in one of the few remaining examples of bogans engaging in performance art. Experienced bogans will have perfected this – requiring the ability to project trauma in the face of the mild curry, yet still appear to be ‘powering through’ with the sheer, resolute, idiotic stubbornness that the bogan is renowned for.  Less seasoned campaigners will often err on the side of toughness; eating their gentle coconut lamb far too quickly and happily. This is dangerous, as it encourages other, nearby bogans to ask for a taste, feeling that they, too, may be capable of smashing a super-hot rogan josh, possibly ending the ruse.

Proprietors of Australian South and South-East Asian restaurants know to provide bogans the option of Pissweak Chicken Vindaloo or Red Wussy-pants Curry, but no such option exists in the original dishes’ places of origin. So when on a footy tour or honeymoon and in search of a light snack, the bogan is stricken like a floppy-haired hipster in Central Shepparton. Confronted with a genuinely hot curry, and no option for avoiding it, the bogan will often as not complain of a stomach ailment – after ordering the hot with extra hot – and skulk back to the bar.


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252 responses

30 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Chef will only prepare “mild” dishes for me. He knows not to upset me.

Also, did you mean “wussy”?

We may have. TBL

30 08 2010
devil's advocate

I presume the mild dishes that “chef” prepares includes his best-known specialty, chocolate salty balls. How apt: put ‘em in your mouth and…

30 08 2010
AntiPajero

Smoking hot, or smokin’ hot? The combination doth me confuse. Pendant, wherefore art thou?

30 08 2010
Pendant

You’re referring to this phrase?

“can’t wait to get stuck into a smoking’ hot curry”

I was already on my way to the complaints office.

We’re now going to leave that in. Just to watch you sweat; just like after eating’ a smoking’ hot curry. TBL

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Butter Chicken was invented for these people.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Yes I have a couple of friends who insist on only eating that. I try and explain to them that the guys at the local curry house probably think they are a gay couple because of it…

What shits me is when I order a Vindaloo and get given a frigging Korma because we white folks couldn’t handle the real thing…

I’m not a Bogan half wit and I also know that a Vindloo or a Bombay or a Korma or Madras is a measure of Curry as much as it is a recipe, if you fuck with the spices and make it ‘mild’ it stops being a Vindaloo and makes it an abomination against all things holly and anyone who does this should be reincarnated as an earthworm, or worse a Bogan…

31 08 2010
Mephistopheles

Sweet Christ, LB, a vindaloo is characterised by the use of vinegar rather than its relative spiciness. The various curry recipes have characteristic ingredients and that generally does not include any measure of how much “hotness” is built in.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

I remember an Indian Chef on a show I watched on SBS about English Food bitching about how you can’t reduce the heat of Vindloos and Bombays and still justify calling them such. So I’m just quoting him.

30 08 2010
lux

Lol @ the photo. There’s nothing mild about that Curry.

30 08 2010
tom

ain’t nothin’ funnier than seeing hipsters walk wide-eyed around Shepparton on a Friday night, staring at all the men in cowboy hats.

Incidentally Shepp has some great Indian restaurants… with (yep) mild butter chicken a local favourite

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Is it fair to blame the bogans for gastronomic abominations such as Tandoori pizza?

30 08 2010
vivisection

I once encountered a Tandoori Chicken Lasagna in Darlinghurst!

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Good lord. In fact, I think TBL could do an entry on multi-cultural Italian food. Go on.

30 08 2010
Lisa M

See the entry on La Porchetta!

30 08 2010
Shirley M

That entry does touch on the subject, but I think it could be exploited more comprehensively.

30 08 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
I always thought La Porchetta was a nice name for a fat Italian chick ?

30 08 2010
clipper

I’d vote for the ham and pineapple pizza for making Italians cringe and bogans lick their lips.

30 08 2010
The Stranger

Hear hear!

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Fuck yeah I don’t put Salami On my ice-cream why the fuck would I want pineapple on my pizza.

And I like Tandoori Pizza., had one today at The North Hobart Crust Grand Opening!

Bogans don’t know what a Tandoori is, which is funny as most of them get spray on tans that make them resemble them…

31 08 2010
chris

…washed down with a chai c*nting lahtayy

1 09 2010
Solskjaer

You do realise that tandoori refers to the method of cooking and not the spices used, don’t you?

1 09 2010
vivisection

The lasagna I saw certainly wasn’t cooked in a tandoor.

1 09 2010
James Hunter

Viv ,
Did you wash it down with a noice drop of “Car Door”

30 08 2010
pb

in darling-it-hurts they’d say that was cutting edge fusion cooking.

31 08 2010
hel

everything about that dish is offensive! That is XXXtreme fusion cooking

30 08 2010
vivisection

My borderline bogan sister, who visits India in her capacity of Maxtreeme Kunt who organises outsourcing call centre jobs for banks, wont eat the food there unless its western. At home she’ll ask for a Two Plate Curry (one for her food, one to fan her arse with – her poetic description), but she wont risk Dehli Belly in India. Nb she also has a home filled with Buddha Statues and decor.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

My partner’s mother is quite the international traveller, and NEVER eats any of the local food. She was here for lunch the other day and had her first ever chick pea. We were in Sydney last year and decided to get takeaway from a Sri-Lankan restaurant and she refused to taste any of it. Wouldn’t go to Yum Cha, either.

I bet she’d eat a Tandoori / Satay pizza, though.

30 08 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
If you watched the locals eating omlettes from cardboard boxes on Indian trains with their fingers you would not eat that local food

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Perhaps, but my point was that she will only eat Western food no matter where she is in the world.

30 08 2010
James Hunter

Understood,thats why I said “that” food.

30 08 2010
vivisection

If you were a visitor to Melbourne and saw some of the bogan scum eating pies and assorted mystery meat bags on the trains here, you’d form the same opinion.

30 08 2010
SD

The smell of the food court is usually sufficiently off putting for visitors.

JH I have never seen these omelettes-unless they were serving a “Western” breakfast. Also a sizeable number of people do not eat eggs.

30 08 2010
James Hunter

Just regular on train food sold by hawkers up and down the train.

Re eggs in general, Boiled eggs with toast and minted yoghurt is a typical breakfast in some parts of India.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

*Sigh*

Someone trotting out the all Indians a Vegans Myth.

I had a friend at Uni who because her ONE Indian friend was a Vego was convinced all Indians were…

Yes an all those meat based curries were invented by the British Raj…

31 08 2010
vivisection

Yet for some reason, Lord Boofhead, I suspect SD may know more about Indian dietary habits than you. Just a hunch.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Or maybe just the dietary habits of a small part of the population of a small part of a massive subcontinent.

These sorts of statements do oft remind me of the parable of the Mosquitoes and the Elephant…

That said Now I read the post again I may have misread it!

31 08 2010
SD

Boofhead maybe that moniker is apt after all.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

I miss-spoke I miss read your post and assumed that it was due to the misconception that ‘all Indians a vegos’…

30 08 2010
martin

Guilty. I couldn’t get through the last Vindaloo I had. It just made my mouth sting like crazy. Gimme a bombay beef or a rogan josh.

30 08 2010
martin

OOps. Replied in the wrong spot. Anyway I was going to say I know of a pilot and whenever he goes to India he won’t even go outside the hotel because it’s such a maxxtreme shit hole apparently. I’ve never been to India so I can’t say.

30 08 2010
vivisection

“maxxtreme shithole” probably translates as too intellectually and emotionally challenging for bogan to deal with. My sister is proud of that fact that her company provides them with direct limos from the airport to hotel so they don’t have to see all the “poor people and stuff”.

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

God I love India. We took the kids there last January for the full tiki tour and it was quite simply stunning. Dehli, Varanasi et al are 100% confronting but the culture, the food, the people are flat out extraordinary.

We didn’t eat off roadside stalls, just mid-range cafe-type places and didn’t get crook except for my son in Jhodpur, but we rinsed all the time with Dettol antiseptic gel and used a anti gut rot med called travelan – amazing stuff. Funnily enough our Indian doctor friend who was travelling with us did the bogan trick of what me worry and ended up heaving his ring out one sunny afternoon. Lovely stuff.

It’s a great country if you’re ready to put aside cultural prejudices.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

What the fuck sort of bullshit Bombays are you being given?

A PROPER Bombay is actually hotter than a Vindaloo!

31 08 2010
martin

Is it?! Omg! I’ll have to go down there and glass them. It’s just beef and potato to me with some f#cken sauce.

Gotta learn me curries so I can be a libtard.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

IIRC going from Mildest to Hottest list is:

Butter Chicken
Rogan Josh
Korma
Madras
Vindaloo
Bombay

If you want any hotter than that you need to switch to Thai food and go the Green and Red Curries respectively…

9 09 2011
Taariq Hassan

no a ‘ Mirch salan’ from Andhra Pradesh will make you beg for a litre of milk to drink.

9 01 2012
Lord Boofhead

Well I’ve never tried one of those. So its not on the list. I’ll have to try one now though…

9 01 2012
Lord Boofhead

Just looked it up. Apparently its a chilli not a curry, as there is no curry in it.

31 08 2010
hel

I don’t think she is borderline

10 06 2013
Mudbutton

Post pictures of your sister trying to shoving a Buddha statue up her fart box, for our amusement.

Much love xxxx

30 08 2010
Pukka Masala

I always suspected TBL was a self-hating bogan, ranting about his/her own shamefully humorous boganity. The true foodie/wanker knows that the smoking’ hotness of South Asian cuisine is as much dependant on personal taste as anything else. Many Indians find ‘traditionally’ hot dishes to be too hot. The overuse of chilli and pepper often masks the complex play of subtle flavour that a good masala should convey. In any case it’s perfectly acceptable to request that a dish be prepred to the diner’s taste. A gracious host is concerned only with his guest’s comfort.

30 08 2010
Will S

Missed the point. Mild for Indians/Lankans is still “hot” for bogans. Until you eat real home-made subcontinental food, you really can’t fathom how bland anglo food is.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Fuck Yeah I won’t eat Anglo Food. Well not without modifying it.

The house-mate is still unimpressed by the time I spring Sechwan Squid Noodles on him …

6 09 2010
Ash

Not completely true. Maybe it’s cause I’ve (a half-Indian, half-Islander) eaten as much wog and skippy food as I’ve eaten Indian food in my life, but I can’t handle much more than Mild on the Indian scale. Hell, even hot on the bogan scale gets to me – although maybe that’s a placebo effect.

9 09 2011
Taariq Hassan

Even Iraani food in Iran is like cardboard to me. I am Punjabi and can’t eat stuff without spice of some sort. It desn’t have to be mission impossible type hot. In fact that is just macho idiotic bogan gora/anglo/bule`/barang/feringhee stuntman stuff.

30 08 2010
sd

The poms are way better at this. Arrive in India, find dodgy place no one eats at and voila Delhi belly and a story to bore everyone with on returning home. They did this for each country they visited-it was their self appointed task to reinforce stereotypes.

Tip. Its not the hot food but the water and fresh food you have to avoid in India. Also get yourself invited to homes-maxtreme spicing is either to hide spoilage or to cater to foreigners wanting maxtreme spice. People who routinely cook at home would never use so much.

30 08 2010
vivisection

Interesting you say that. I discovered a great Indian Restaurant close to where I live – the reason I love it is because they don’t pump it full of chilli – you can actually taste the other spices and the blending of flavours is magnificent. I enjoy hot food, but also really enjoy the other typical Indian spice flavours which you don’t get to appreciate in a soaring hot dodgy vindaloo served out of a Bain Marie. When I first found this place, It was like a totally different style of food to any other Indian I had had before. I tell everyone I know to go there and they all come back saying the same.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

The Sri-Lankan restaurant I mentioned above served the most amazing curries I have ever tasted. So many versions of Dahl that all actually tasted distinctly different. And as SD said, Indian food made by Indians at home are great. I was introduced to Idli in someones home and fell in love immediately.

31 08 2010
ST

The couple who ran a Sri Lankan guest house I stayed in told me to avoid dishes that are too spicy in my travels; they are spiced up to cover up a myriad of sins.

23 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

My mum used to make Idli all the time, but I’ve always hated it myself.

30 08 2010
Nelson Esq

That is so true, Viv, when the curry is milder, you can actually taste the other spices!

30 08 2010
SD

Shirley I am amazed you love idlis, anything with fermented rice is a bit of an acquired taste though it has gone pan Indian. Actually Australians are far more attuned to the flavours of South Indian food than the Brits-none of my brit colleagues could ever eat idli. Maybe because of the Thai and Sri Lankan influences in Oz.

You are right about the spices, Viv, it has to be balanced right.
The ancestors are from God’s Own Country (no really its just Kerala!) which is like spice land. Very rarely is food super hot.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Most of the other people who were there and trying it for the first time weren’t overly impressed, I must admit. They also downright refused to eat it with their hands. I found the entire experience delightful and delicious. I was most disappointed when I was informed how difficult the process of making it was.

30 08 2010
SD

Yes its hard for people to understand the eating with hands thing. Not easy to adopt at all.

On the other hand old folk I know at home refuse to go near cutlery on the grounds that it has resided in someone else’s mouth and is unhygienic. In fact most Indians by virtue of living in a “shithole” (Martin, many parts but not all are admittedly dirty) and hot at that have complex rituals re the handling of food which would not be visible to a visitor at all.

Cliche but the world is amazing in its differences.

30 08 2010
James Hunter

they also have imune systems to die for and which us clean westerners are advised not to attempt to emulate

30 08 2010
martin

Eating curry and garlic a lot also makes ya stink. I lived in a unit block a few years ago and there was one unit that had Indian tenants. Whenever they opened their door the whole stair well absolutely wreaked. I guess I’m too bogan to see the enlightening qualities of smelling badly.

30 08 2010
SD

Most vegetarians say the same about meat/fish eaters.

All diets cause one to smell. But people don’t notice familiar odours.

That said, I am not a garlic fan. Its verboten in some parts of India, the first time I encountered shit loads of it was in Italian cooking (or what passed for it in the UK).

30 08 2010
Shirley M

An old manager of mine was Indian and he likewise did not eat garlic. I would walk into work and he would tell me that I stunk of garlic and I needed to do something about it. No one else could ever detect this ‘offensive odour’.

30 08 2010
SD

That was rude of him-hope you told him off!

I bet he “stunk” of something or the other too.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Nah. It didn’t actually bother me that he said it once I realised it was not my problem, but his. What I should have done was told him to ‘harden the f*ck up’, of course.

Actually, he always smelt delightful.

30 08 2010
martin

“Most vegetarians say the same about meat/fish eaters.”

Yeah right. Vegetarians may not like the smell of meat cooking but I’ve never heard them complain about people smelling.

Sometimes I smell after I eat fish, so I don’t eat it too often. But everyone complains about it and I would too if I had to put up with myself.

No one has ever complained because I had a nice medium rare bbq steak the night before or because I had a ham sandwich for lunch.

30 08 2010
martin

Actually one vegetarian girl I used to work with used to say how good my meat pies used to smell.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I was a vegetarian for a long time and people who ate a lot of meat definitely had an odour about them. It didn’t smell like meat, though. It was more of a heavy and unhealthy stench.

30 08 2010
SD

Don’t take it personally, Martin. If you were dropped into a place where the food is different, they will register that you “smell” – I know people who can’t stand my “egg breath”. It will not be discernible here because many people have the same diet as you.

My neighbours are Chinese. They “smell” -because I am not used to it. But I don’t find them any less enlightened than you or me because they “smell badly” from the food they eat. Live & let live.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

“Garlic is the catsup of intellectuals.” – unknown

“Far too long garlic has garlic been known as the ketchup of the intellectual. It’s time to bring garlic to the people! We can’t continue to confine our garlic consumption to vegan potlucks and our own kitchens. Now is the time to take to the streets and let everyone know:
Garlic is delicious: Add it to food, roast it and spread it on bread, eat it raw.
Garlic is healthy: It wards off colds, high cholesterol, infections; it can be used to treat acne, it can be used to ward off vampires, politicians.
You can make soap out of garlic. I like to rub it all over my lover’s body and lick it off. In the future cars will run on garlic, garlic will be used to generate electricity, to end war.
Garlic will save us all.
LEGALIZE GARLIC NOW!” – Jordana from “Tales of a Punk Rock Nothing” by Himelstein and Schweser

“Three nickels will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.”
New York (Yiddish or Jewish ?) Saying.

“No cook who has attained mastery over her craft ever apologizes for the presence of garlic in her productions.”
Ruth Gottfried, ‘The Questing Cook’ (1927)

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Speak for yourself…

My Grandmother has run a few shops in her time and as such I’m quite used to drinking ‘out of date milk’.

Plus my time as an unemployed bum/uni Student (or both) I’ve often done the hey that vege /bit of meat is looking a bit suss, but it all I got till pay day. I’ll curt the really dodgy bits off and kill the rest with spices and it should be ok..

Come peak oil when civilisation collapses like in Mad Max, whilst soft-cocks are hugging your guts with dysentery you are hugging your I’ll be gulping down out of date Milk and scoffing down a well over ripe apple and screaming “Fuck yeah, bring on the Zombies!”

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I never realised the unhygienic thing was a factor in the eating with one’s hands thing, but it makes sense, I guess.

I just found it interesting that people can be so uptight about what they perceive to be good manners, and not be able to let it go for one meal and immerse themselves in something totally different.

30 08 2010
SD

I guess its a question of curiosity about other worlds. And manners.

Most people I know who come to visit are equally insular and stubborn. Its a bit annoying for e.g. when I have to ferry people around to eat the only kind of food they eat (their own) when there is so much other stuff here that is amazing.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Yeah, there’s a lot of people who are ‘scared they won’t like it’. My Aunt really wants to try Thai food but told me she ‘wouldn’t know what to order’, so I have vowed to take her out for some and give her a helping hand. What shits me is that even if you don’t like what you order, you’re $15 out of pocket and now certain that you don’t like something. Anyway, I guess I’ll tell her to have the Pad Thai, she’ll like it because everyone does, and she’ll never try anything else from a Thai restaurant again.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Tell her to get the Fish Cakes for Starters Every one loves them too.

I was working across the road from an awesome little Thai Restaurant a few years back that had a lunchtime mini banquet special thing, you know a bit of this and a bit of that and I worked my way through all the combos on pay day and know have a good idea what is good!

30 08 2010
pb

on the eating with hands/cutlery/etc thing, i think sometimes it is also a matter of coordination. i went to japan last year and tried hard to use chopsticks but just lacked the coordination. i actually had a waiter bring me cutlery without me requesting it once because he could see how much i was struggling with chopsticks.
of course, that is different to point blank refusing to try anything different.

30 08 2010
vivisection

I managed chopstix in Japan, but not with alcohol, and I practiced at home for a month before I left. The Japanese chopstix are easier because they have a pointy end. Except for the throwaway ones. After 3 weeks I was desperate for a sandwich.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

That’s an interesting point because although I was never really taught to use chopsticks as a kid, I now find them easier to eat with than a knife and fork. I explain this thusly. I’m left handed, and when I was little mum didn’t like watching me eat with my knife and fork in the ‘wrong hands’ so she used to make me eat right handed. To this day I get confused about which hand I should have which utensil in. Using chopsticks with my left hand solves this dilemma for me.

30 08 2010
vivisection

I’m right handed, but was raised in a family of left handers (except dad), so i eat with my utensils in the wrong hands, and I even iron left handed. F#cked up.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I play cricket and softball right handed but tennis / squash left handed. My brother writes with his left hand but does absolutely everything else with his right hand.

30 08 2010
pb

i’m a lefty too, and i think that does come in to my confusion with chopsticks. i use cutlery left-handed and write left-handed, but always used both playing sport. with chopsticks, i think i just get all confused because there’s no clear left or right hand chopstick and so my fingers just protest.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Learnt to use chopsticks at age 8 have used them ever since. Can pick up a pea or a single grain of rice with them, the only person who puts me to shame is My Chinese Malay mate who eats hamburgers and snaggs with them at BBQs…

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

There was a place in Darlo called Bombay or Bombay Spice or something (think it’s now gone) but it was well-known in the Indian and Sri-Lankan community for it’s food excellence. We would often go there with a Sri-Lankan friend and it was a champion feed. Pricy but.

30 08 2010
Mandi

I like Cleveland street in Darlinghurst, Maya sweets is great, so is Maya da dhaba, to go upmarket Qmin near royal north shore is good. Unfortunately the Copper Tiffin was fire bombed a few months ago, people used to rave about it. My boyfriends family is Indian, his Dads favourite past time is to serve me curry and watch me struggle, “is it too hot for you dear? I know anglos don’t like spice”. Humiliating.

31 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Yeah, the competition must be intense down there. There’s a seriously good couple of Turkish Pide joints down there… formica tables that your hands stick to, a fan whirring quietly above and charming service from the mamas. And the pides? Yeah baby!

30 08 2010
Goran

For super-hot, it really is all about Szechuan cuisine. Hot, but when done properly, contains a gorgeous complexity of flavour. But woe betide the uninitiated bogan who leaves the chilli warning unheeded and heads straight for the Chongquing chicken.

30 08 2010
vivisection

I was served a massive bowl of about 1 thousand fried tiny Bird eye chillis with a few scraps of chicken amongst them in a Chinese restaurant in Tokyo. Was that Chonquing chicken? I had pointed at the menu and smiled. The chicken tasted great, i tried one chilli, but decided against trying to prove a point to anyone. Luckily it wasn’t the only dish we had ordered.

30 08 2010
Goran

That sounds like it. You really shouldn’t eat the whole dried chillis, Vivisection. It’s like eating the parsley garnish, only potentially fatal.

30 08 2010
vivisection

I figured as such. Knowing that what goes in must come out, made it quite clear that eating 1000 birds eye chillis wasn’t a smart thing to do. I tried one, just to see how hot they were.

30 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I have a chilli jam made with the habanero variety: phwoar! I use a sparing amount with cheese and crackers, but it becomes strangely addictive. Doesn’t hurt that it also has a sweetness to the taste that compliments those snacks well.

As with that, I do have a proclivity towards hot and spicy foods, but I don’t always want it ringburner hot: as others have correctly stated here, that the hotness should never impinge unduly upon the interplay and complexities of the other spices, herbs, or sweet/sour/salt tastes at work in any given dish. Nor should the other flavours be overpowering either. And finally, it shouldn’t be unnecessarily bland—yuk!—to which it then becomes most suitable for the primordial palate of the bogan.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Actually you should eat the parsley garnish. It freshens ones breath…

30 08 2010
LT

….and when the bogan gets the runs, it’s the fault of those “damn chings” and thier crap food

30 08 2010
devil's advocate

When I was a poor uni student, the bogan’s intolerance for anything hotter than a mild curry served me well. They would force their way through 4 or 5 spoonfuls, whereupon they would inevitably offer the remainder to anyone who wanted it. Good times.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

He he, sounds like the Moocher safe Pizza me and a mate came up with, Olives, Anchovies, Calamari, Prawns, Halapinos and Capsicum plus other stuff, guaranteed to deter even the most pathetic of moochers and as we both ate almost anything perfectly edible to us. But the best part was we could OFFER it to the moochers knowing that they would refuse as they were guaranteed to hate at least one of those items on that list…

I also had an old House mate who paranoid about the milk use by date. Convinced it turned to poison at the stroke of midnight, was awesome for me as I would claim it and have milkshakes for the next 3 days…

30 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Great post TBL, but I have to admit that I could be more boganic than first thought, as I used to like hot curries, but now can’t stomach them due to a an ‘incident’ with what had to be the worlds’ hottest curry in Brick Lane in London’s East End about 8 years ago.

After meeting friends in a Brick Lane bar for drinks straight after work one night, after countless pints I was done and decided to head home. It was late and I was feeling peckish as I only had consumed a liquid dinner up to that point.

For those in the know, Brick Lane is just Curry House after Curry House in a seemingly unending stretch; one after the other and very little else. I picked one at random and went inside. Meaning to order a Chicken Masala, which is usually mild to medium, in my pissed state asked the waiter “What is that curry starting with ‘M’ again?”
“Madras?”
“Yeah that’s the one…a Chicken Madras please!”
It came out and I looked at it and thought that it looked a bit too red in colour to be what I thought I had ordered. The Madras sauce was almost pure chilli. I have never eaten anything so hot in my life. Being pissed and very hungry, I was too stupid to either stop eating it or to send it back. My tongue and lips went completely numb after the first couple of mouthfuls. Sweat kept pouring off me and I took at least a dozen paper serviettes from adjacement tables to mop it from my brow. While I laugh at it now, it was a horrible and painful experience and as I said before, I think I only kept on eating because I was pissed. I not only paid for my stupidity that night, but over the next couple of days as well from my other end!

I still like a hint of chilli or spicy heat in some dishes, but medium is as far as I can go these days. My days of maxxxtreme hot curries are definitely over!

30 08 2010
MsBiatch

Piss weak Nelson!

30 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Sadly now, yes! Once upon a time I used to be able to handle very hot chilli, but that Madras just took me over the top and has ruined me for life. Too much chilli actually gives me hiccups now, which is a pain in the backside as well!! After returning home from living in England, I went to my fav Thai restaurant which does the best Tom Yum soup I have ever tasted. However due to the amount of chilli in it, I was very embarrassed when I started hiccupping very loudly and uncontrollably in the restaurant! Never been brave enough to have Tom Yum soup in public again!

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I used to quite enjoy spicy food and ate it often, but I stopped during pregnancy and breastfeeding and I’ve never been able to get the taste for it back again.

30 08 2010
john b

Hehe – you know a Madras is classed as ‘medium’ in the UK, right? This may explain why I believe it’s not actually possible to get a *hot* curry in Australia, even if you ask for hot with extra hot (I used to live just off Brick Lane…)

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Crikey, if they served me up a medium that night, I would have hated to have received the hot one!!

30 08 2010
Sten

Mmm… Madras, my favourite.

God I miss Brick Lane.

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

bagels on a sunday morning after a night on the piss! love brick lane!

31 08 2010
Sten

Dunno about that, CM, but to me, it was like walking through the ‘Cross, except with delicious curry instead of sleaze.

I remember drinking in the Ten Bells pub in Whitechapel as well. It was really quite something to be drinking in a Pub older than one’s adopted country.

30 08 2010
laurenbee

I spent some time in India and ate anything & everything the locals had to offer and couldnt fault a single thing. It was all delicious with a delicate balance of spice, sweet & heat which is nothing like the Ocker Indian served up in most places in Australia.

I half reckon the proprietors of the restaurants in Oz up the chilli component in the dishes here just as their own little revenge to the Bogan masses….

I know I would.

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

The most wonderful meal in India we had was a mild dahl curry in a vego restaurant. A stunning assortment of flavours in this soft creamy meal. Just great with a stack of papadums. We went back the next night and ordered exactly the same.
You’re right balance is the key if you’re going to taste all the flavours.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Yeah Half of them possibly do and the other half tone it way down because we white fellows can’t handle real Bombays and Vindaloos. Smarmy pricks..

I always order the hottest thing possible at a new Indian/Asian/Mexican Restaurant and if its too pissweak I won’t go there again. If its hot enough I’ll come back and try something milder next time.

30 08 2010
mitch-jay

I think that tbl should devote an entire piece to the likes of “sweet n sour sauce’s”

The dish designed to make the bogan feel like it knows all about the flavour complexities that are asian food.

30 08 2010
vivisection

Like a good can of KanTong – with pork, tinned pineapple, tinned bamboo shoots, tinned baby corns and a splash of dry sherry. urghhhhh…..

30 08 2010
Nelson Esq

I feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight!!!

Sauces in a jar…truly awful stuff and bogans lap it up because they’re quick and easy…

Same with packs of mixed frozen vegetables…only exist because bogans don’t know where the fresh produce section is at the supermarket…vegies are found in the freezer next the the McCain Pizza and Four’n’Twenty Pies!!

30 08 2010
vivisection

I think there are about 5 aisles in the supermarket I don’t even walk down any more – the jars of sauces, the freezers, the baby goods, the chocolate/sugar aisle and the softdrinks. Who knows what I am missing. Cancer, diabetes, fatf#ckeritis….

30 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Just stick to your 1970’s cook book recipes, Viv!!

30 08 2010
vivisection

No-one ever died from a devil on horseback!

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Or a toothpick with a square of cheese, a chunk of luncheon sausage and a pickled onion. Now that was how to do an entree.

30 08 2010
Claire

Makes me wonder why some evil genius hasn’t come up with the idea of opening a chain of bogan supermarkets yet. They could take out the health food aisle, the spices and Asian foods, the cereals that aren’t 100% sugar. the flours and baking stuff (except for packet cake mixes), the cheeses that aren’t bright orange, most of the seafood and all of the fresh vegetables except potatoes, onions and iceberg lettuce. Double the frozen section, double the soft drink section, double the confectionery and biscuits aisles… put an bargain basement section selling plasmas and Playboy products and celebrity perfumes where the vegetables section would normally be… pop a velvet rope out the front… add a drive-thru lane. I shall call it the Maxxtremarket!

30 08 2010
vivisection

Can I suggest that if you made it invitation only through special clubs, that you have to watch ACA / TT to get membership details for, it would be a winner.

30 08 2010
urbanreverie

I’m afraid to say that something similar to your dream supermarket already exists, Claire. It’s called Aldi.

30 08 2010
vivisection

and Costco

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Aldi doesn’t offer enough choice to be truly revered by the bogan.

30 08 2010
urbanreverie

That’s precisely why Aldi is so bogan-friendly, Shirley! The bogan is incapable of original thought or comparative evaluation of options, and when faced with a choice of brands, will go into meltdown and stick with the most familiar (i.e., the brand most advertised on television and radio, or the brand their equally challenged peers like most).

Aldi saves bogans from the intellectual strain of being confronted with having to make a choice, even the choice of sticking with the most famous brand. Just one brand of biscuits. One brand of peanut butter. No weird vegetables or cold meat or condiments they’ve never heard of.

That being said, not all customers of Aldi are bogan. I know some non-bogans who shop there for a variety of reasons – lower prices, they don’t like the size of the larger supermarkets, it happens to be the nearest grocery store.

But try making a curry from ingredients bought from Aldi – a genuine curry made from herbs, spices and a sauce base you’ve blended yourself, not a cop-out bogan-friendly “curry from a jar”.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I agree with you on the real curry front. If it’s fresh herbs and spices you want, it’s not the place to go. I shop there all the time for basic items, largely because it’s quieter and I’m more than happy to pack my own groceries and not be dazzled by neat shelves and gaudy displays in exchange for a cheaper escape. There’s things I can’t or won’t buy there, but all in all, I’m a big fan of Aldi.

I’ve not seen many – if any – of the nouveau bogue type there. I put this down to the fact that you can’t buy Tim Tams, Sara Lee, Four and Twenty Pies, Coon Cheese, Quik, Coco Pops etc. etc. there. Bogans love their brands, and Aldi doesn’t cater to that.

30 08 2010
urbanreverie

You’re right Shirley, I should have specified “the old school/feral/socially disadvantaged bogan likes Aldi” rather than the nouveau aspirational type. My bad!

The client base at the Aldi where I used to live was a cross between a Centrelink queue and a drug rehab ward in a public hospital. It was this kind of bogan I was thinking of! The Coles nearby had a much greater socio-economic spread, everything from uni students on bicycles and grandmothers on buses to well-heeled professionals in BMW X5s.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I guess it might come down to location. The Aldi I frequent seems to attract normal folk like me (ahem), old people, muslims and cafe owners. I deduce this last category because I often see people buying trolley loads of milk.

30 08 2010
martin

I like how they let the poor old checkout operators sit down. It should be a human right imo.

31 08 2010
Sten

How ironic, then, urban, that Aldi should be a German company… the least Aussie of the lot of ‘em!

Mind you, I’ve noticed SPAR popping up in a few places like Newtown and Willoughby.

30 08 2010
Claire

Nah – apart from the electronics stuff, which bogans flock to, Aldi is more for your old-school bogans (I call them Uggs or Booners) or even non-bogans. Much as it loves the idea of buying really cheap stuff, the bogan also loves its brands, and the obcsure Aldi brands confuse it. And, since the bogan prefers to do its shopping in one caffeine-fuelled trolley-maxed hit, once it knows it’s going to have to go to ColesWayWorths for its 4WD-carload of branded sugared products, it figures it might as well buy everything else from there too.

Plus, Aldi isn’t featured on MasterChef.

30 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

We don’t have Aldi in WA, at this point in time: don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. Not sure if it has anything to do with our restrictive/restricted trading hours (only late-night shopping is Thursday, Sundays only in the inner city areas of Perth and Fremantle) or because of the vice-like grip of IGA (of which stores operating with ≤10 staff can open whenever they like) in this state (we had the national headquarters for Foodland Australia Ltd. (FAL) until they were absorbed by Metcash, aka IGA).

Having Aldi here in WA might help keep the big three honest, as our grocery prices here the West are somewhat higher than those in SE Australia, and it’s not just because of freight. The mixture of trading laws, which hand the after-hours trade to IGA and the mainstream shopping periods to Coleworths, create something of a respectively cosy monopoly-duopoly situation, and their rabble of ratbag lobbyists like to maintain this status quo: in fact, the independent grocers’ lobby were so successful at this, they had the electorate vote against liberalised trading hours for groceries in a state referendum. Still though, Coleworths have leant upon the State Government in gradually increasing opening hours, via staggered introductions of broad-based weeknight late trading and regional hub Sunday shopping, all to be introduced during 2011 (inner suburbs of Perth and Freo now have a seven-day option).

I can see the argument on both sides: I can agree that a wider spread of hours will allow better spread of customers through the week, rather than having the 8-to-5 lumpenproletariat congest the malls on Thursday nights and Saturdays, replete with squawking kidlets, amped up on sugar and MSG, but can also accept that there are only X amount of people (actually, about 1.7 million) people in Perth and more hours doesn’t mean more customers per se and that there should be times when we do not have to be availed to the siren call of rampant consumerism and that Sundays can be largely a refuge from this (and if you really must go, the city and Freo are there!).

Actually, I don’t mind Aldi, in that I can get some of the organic basic foods there, as well as other staples. Not that bogan, more no-frills; an IKEA (not always bogan!) for food for those who can appreciate value over convenience and prestige.

30 08 2010
AnonymousBosch

I haven’t seen any Cashed Up Bogans at Aldi here at all. They go across to the Real Supermarket Complex across the road, which has their Video Lazy, Wino World and Lottery Ticket Shops along with their Coles. They’re too lazy to wander down to Aldi, and it doesn’t have Tim Tams anyway.

Aldi Shoppers in my country town just seems to be Old Age Pensioners, and the large Indian, Asian and African populations in my country town.

Aldi is better than the rep it’s getting here.

If you ignore the crap in the middle of the store, and don’t use prepacked sauces, you can get all your basic pantry cooking ingredients very cheap there, including all the spices, vegetables and meats to make damn good curries thank you. It has a wide selection of Bogan-confusing breads, sells Soy Products, clearly labels it’s Egg and Milk-Free products for Vegans and Kosher eaters, and always has Tofu for my soups.

The true Bogan store supermarket here is in the Housing Commision area. It’s literally three aisles: Potato Chips, Nappies, Dog Food.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

I feel your pain brother we have the same issue down here in Tas!

Just a shame you chaps don’t know how to vote right…

31 08 2010
Sten

Nice use of “lumpenproletariat”, Turnips. Marx himself would’ve been pleased to hear it!

Seriously though, I had no idea WA was so strict about everything. The shopping hours thing is a bit weird, but I do like the way you guys apparently don’t have pokies in every goddamn Pub. I’m sure it’d be a refreshing change to be able to go out on a Saturday night and not experience a siezure brought on by all the flashing lights and spasmolytic bleeping and blooping.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

And the brands of said sauces have names like ‘Chef’s Cupboard’ and ‘Asia at Home’. Funny they all taste like arse.

30 08 2010
Flick

Shirl,

What exactly does arse taste like?

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Don’t pretend you don’t know.

30 08 2010
vivisection

Flick, Subway “freshly baked bread”

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

There is one but… Sharwoods Biriyani… you mix the spices with chicken, onions, mushrooms and a capsicum, add the sauce stuff, tip in a good cup of rice, cover with water and hola! 30 minutes later the most delicate, fragrant taste-sensation is yours to enjoy.

Yumbo, I know what I’m doing for dins tonight!

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Sharwoods is made to a traditional recipe by an Indian family that relocated to England about 50 or 60 years ago…

That why its not shite!

There are a few others out there that are ok, for when I’m to busy/lazy to make it from scratch, but even then I usually have to brake out the curry powders to make it tolerable…

31 08 2010
Sten

Agreed. If I’m in the mood for a Madras and can’t afford/can’t be bothered going out for it, it’s Sharwoods all the way.

30 08 2010
Peter

In England, your country of birth, it’s common for that nation’s proletariat to have a “take-away” most Friday nights. The choice is invariably Indian, which would doubtlessly be prepared on a greasy floor infested with rat droppings then cooked by a nose picking sub continental who overstayed his visa. The local gourmets wouldn’t know any difference.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

Do you mean MY country of birth?

30 08 2010
James Hunter

Pete babe,
were you the cook or the customer?

30 08 2010
martin

The one near me is very fresh, they cook it after you’ve ordered it. I know this because you’ve always got to wait a half hour before you pick it up and I see them cooking when I go there as opposed to all the Chinese restaurants which are “ready in 10 minutes”.

How many boogers I’ve eaten I’ll never know. Oh well they’re good for you they’ll toughen up your immune system.

30 08 2010
MsBiatch

Peter you crack me up! hahaaaaa.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Yeah I love the fact that its actually CHEAPER for me to make shit from scratch than buy that gawdawful stuff.
But hey I have a massive spice collection that takes up multiple shelves so all I need is tomato paste/tinned tomatoes etcetera for half the price of those horrid Legos jars and bang Pasta Sauce…

30 08 2010
devil's advocate

Seconded – a TBL entry on sweet and sour dishes (including pineapple – WTF?) would be highly appropriate.

30 08 2010
vivisection

DA, Canned pineapple chunks are an essential ingredient in a 70’s sweet and sour! Not having it would be like not adding sultanas to your curry for authenticity.

30 08 2010
AnonymousBosch

Ham and Pineapple Pizza is the choice for Junior Bogans.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Hey, Pineapple and Saltanas in your Curried Snaggs is ok, its not like the Indians were currying snaggs back in the old days any way. I also like to ad Banana.
Plus a nice bit of Anglo-Indian fusion sweet curry mince goes down a treat for a change of pace…

And I’m a massive food snob!

30 08 2010
SD

I am wondering if the picture of this mustachioed gentleman should be sent off to The Chap.

http://thechap.net/index.html

I was addicted to it in the UK but sadly never found a copy here.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Fuck yeah been looking for that for ages. Am Planning on starting up a local Chapter of the Chaps Movement down Hobart way.

I’ll break out my tweed and pipe.

Tally ho!

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

I love The Chaps! Bloody hilarious bunch. Met some at the Henly Regatta several years ago. While I would love to see an Australian chapter of the Chap movement, I am not sure whether it would really work; we’re just not eccentric old school tweed wearing fellows like proper middle class Englishmen. In short, as a nation, we don’t have either the traditions or culture to be ‘chappish!’ That is not to say that we are devoid of culture (we have our own) or that many of us do not display the essential behavioural traits to be considered gentlemen.

I have often thought that a slightly less eccentric Australian Gentleman’s movement (‘The Gents’ perhaps?…without it sounding like the facilities at the local RSL or pub), where the wearing of Harris tweed, the pursuit of an hirsute upper lip and pipe smoking were not regarded as essential to be regarded as a Gent, could actually work. Instead of tweed and brogues, a chambray shirt, light coloured cotton trousers, navy blue blazer and polished RM Williams boots would certainly need to be compulsory items in a Australian Gents wardrobe!

Having said that, I love wearing my tweed flat cap when driving my MG! Tickety-boo!!

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Well I am Down here in Tassie home to more Genuine Eccentrics anywhere else in the world outside of the British Isles and I have a few mates that fit the Chaps bill quite nicely…

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Wonderful to hear! Let me know when you chaps are having a bit of an affair and I’ll bring the MG over on the boat and motor my way down to Hobart to join you for a few ales!

Will definitely have to visit a few whisky distilleries on my way down!

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Shall keep you informed old boy…

31 08 2010
SD

Oh good, at least some Chap enthusiasts around! My devotion to The Chap is sometimes at odds with my inner commie prole but I still love it. Nelson, I am all for The Gents doing very gent things in the outback!

On further inspection, the gentleman pictured above is definitely not Chap – his lip accessory is of dubious quality, he has no tie and his coat is the colour of regurgitated breakfast.

31 08 2010
Sten

Like… the Squatters, Nelson? As in the Squatter Aristocracy once prevalent in this wide, brown land?

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

The RM Williams boots thing is more about being Australian in general rather than just being an outback thing. A well polished RM completes a classic and classy casual look for any Australian Gentleman. The Gents would not discriminate between urban and rural gentlemen and if a particular Gent wished to embrace their Squatter past (if they have one), it would not be discouraged!

While I see The Gents as having a more modern outlook than our ‘Wooster & Jeeves’ loving Chap brothers from the Mother Country, any eccentricity would certainly be welcome, as long as manners and politeness are observed.

31 08 2010
Sten

Sounds great to me, Nelson! Sign me up, even if I am confused as to my British/Australian identity!

Oh, and as long as croquet is played on well-manicured greens!

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

You wouldn’t want your croquet lawn any other way. Refreshments is the guise of a ploughmans lunch and a golden ale will also be served. Don’t forget your panama hat or well kept Akubra.

31 08 2010
Sten

I was just wondering as to headgear… the Panama, as suitable as it might be for summer wear, I think could only really work with a linen suit.

Looks like it’ll be the Akubra then.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Gotta love the RMs Got me two Pairs of them. One in shiny black leather the other in ‘Camel’ Sued…

31 08 2010
Sten

As a Pom myself, I find those guys hilarious. Also, they’ve got a point. So much about modern life really is crap.

30 08 2010
MsBiatch

Bogans can’t eat any form of chilli or hot curry because it gives them a burning ring. I once dated a guy who’s ex only ever cooked ‘meat & three veg mate!’ Thus he was unable to enjoy any of my ‘exotic’ cooking due to the fact that I actually use some spices. I find this to be a very common bogan trait. It utterly pisses me off when I ask for an extra hot dish in an Indian or Thai restaurant only to receive a boring, bogan style ‘hot’ dish that I cannot even taste. It seems Asian restaurant staff assume that because I am white, I’m also a piss weak bogan with an uneducated palate, unable to handle a bit of decent heat. If they do make it hot as requested, they watch me eating & can barely hide their surprise when they see my plate is empty. White people can handle chilli you know!

30 08 2010
James Hunter

no shit?

30 08 2010
NotAWorkingFamily

I have exactly the same issue. I love extreme heat (I frequently use extracts/sauces at home that register 500k+ on the scoville scale). I’m sick of getting the bogan hot treatment when I go out to have indian. Can anyone think of a polite way to alert the proprieter of the restaurant that, despite being caucasian and asking for my vindaloo to be extremely hot, I:
1) am not a bogan;
2) am not joking; and
3) actually enjoy extremely hot food.

30 08 2010
Shirley M

I’m sure the proprietors of said restaurants actually want you to TASTE their food, so probably stop short of serving you 100% hot as f*ck chillies.

30 08 2010
NotAWorkingFamily

Just because they use hot as f*ck chillies doesn’t mean you can’t taste the food.

30 08 2010
MsBiatch

I adore hot as F*CK chillies & always use mexican chillies when cooking… none of that powdered rubbish! That’s just for bogans…

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Hey I use powdered Chilli and Paprika. but I get the hot shit from the local Spice World shop or a Chinese Emporium. But I do also used dried whole chillies or crushed dried chillies or fresh or jar r chillies if I have them and they are right for the dish. Sometimes a combination, but I grew up eating Mexican food BEFORE it became trendy and regularly cook Cajun food.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Find a joint that a doesn’t have a bogan infestation, try some where of the beaten track, i.e. not on the main restaurant drag. And don’t come back if they treat you shittilly. Not all Indian restaurant are run by know it all arse clowns!

30 08 2010
lol-plates

A couple of the Indian take-away joints in my area serve the almight Indian kebab- samosa, tandoori chicken, mint yoghurt or butter chicken sauce mashed together(I ask for one of those fried bubble and squeek things too!) in a naan bread. 100% awesome to the max. That is bogan. I used to love vindaloo but they don’t taste like anything just hot brown stuff.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

The Bubble and squeak thing is a Packhora (sp?) and they rock!

My local Crust Pizza makes a Curry Calzone, can’t wait to try one it will be like a giant samosa…

30 08 2010
Ian

Not much to say on this topic from a personal point of view, but I appreciate the use of Tim Curry – I’ve always enjoyed his over the top evilness.

30 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Best Frank n Furter ever

30 08 2010
Andrew

If you want to play a funny game with bogans, order an actual hot curry (assuming you yourself can eat one), then offer it to the table to share. It’s amazing how a group of “tough blokes” eating their “tough hot butter chicken” become little whimps when faced with something with actual kick to it.

30 08 2010
MsBiatch

Indeed Andrew. And this is because they grew up with mum ‘cooking’ mashed potato & fish fingers. They have no desire to explore other ‘weird’ food. Why would they want to eat that asian crap that burns a hole in their pants eh?

30 08 2010
fishmouse

Tim Curry – my absolute favourite of the group!

I believe that the next craze in ‘adopeted illness’ by the bogan populus will be thelesser known but every irritating Capsaicin allergy. By extentension, the next fashion piece will be the epi-pen.

Believe me on this one – so many different foods that I don’t dare eat but I can still laugh at the bogan’s maxtreme reactions to eating samosa’s.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

But Samosas are piss week?

Oh wait I see what you did there…

30 08 2010
Girl of Madness

Fail TBL.
Indian curries were spiced heavily to preserve rotting meat and were not traditionally offered ‘hot’. I have some experience, as I lived in India for 2 years and never had I consumed anything there that was as ‘hot’ as the curries served in Oz. Therefore your entry should have been labeled “Hot Curries” as it is my perception that the Indians spice it heavily on purpose to dare the bogan to burn their throats and rectums. Maybe it is their revenge on racism encountered?

One of the gents who wrote this entry has spent quite a number of years living and working in India, so we too are drawing on primary evidence. TBL

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Hotness of the curries is relative to region. What part of India were you in?

There is a reason the different Curries are named by region…

30 08 2010
SD

I never thought I would ever say this but I saw a pic of Kim Kardashian (who I know well through mX) at the Emmys – she looks hotter than any curry. Its as mind boggling as finding Paris has class.

30 08 2010
michael

I don’t think I’ve ever been trendy enough to qualify as a hipster but oh, how I empathise with feeling out of place in bogue-tastic Shepparton, ever since I grew out of being excited about going to the Capri cinema and buying skater shoes/board shorts at Jesse’s…

30 08 2010
distinguished gentleman

meat and one veg for my brother in law – steak and chips at every social dining situation we have been at together. Curry is out of the question, as well as pasta, anything green, and god forbid he ever had the misfortune of having anchovy on a pizza. What else do you expect from someone who’s mum cooked everything under the oven grill every night. I reckon he would eat cardboard if it was served with salt and tomato sauce……..at least he has recently tried an exotic Boag’s beer instead of the obligatory VB………..

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Boags? Exotic? Bwaaahhahahahha!

Its Bogan swill of the Tassy Variety, even the Premo stuff is kinda shite!

I love that the locals squabble over Boags and Cascade, its both shit and it both tastes like arse! Coopers, Tooheys or James Squire for Me if I must stoop to Aussie ‘beer’. But I’m an Ale drinker. And by that I mean the real stuff made only by Coopers in Aus, the rest is Larger masquerading as something that isn’t shit…

That said I was once told that Stella that we treat as a boutique beer is actually the shit that back in Belgium the Belgi-Bogans drink by the bucket load and then go home to beat their wives..

I was also amused once on meeting a pretty young Belgian Exchange Student, she told me that she’d been told that, “You guys make really good beer!” My response, Um, you come from where the Trappist Monks make Ale right? Yeah prepared to be really disappointed. Our local swill is so bad we drink your shit beer as premium stuff…”

31 08 2010
Mandi

Yes it is known as ‘Wife Beater’ in Europe, I was at Tropfest one year and it was being sold for $7, ridiculous. I went back to Germany a couple of years ago and was in heaven, you could buy decent beer at a street stand and you didn’t even have to drink it in a special ‘licensed’ area (cage) like you would at a public event here.

31 08 2010
Sten

Ugh, Wife Beater. Give me a Leffe Blonde or a Kwak any day!

And now you’ve got me all sentimental about Germany and the Czech Republic, Mandi. I do miss loitering in Old Town Square with a Budvar or a Pislner Urquell with nary a raised eyebrow.

31 08 2010
vivisection

I had lunch a the Budvar Brewery in Kutna Hora – great beer and visually unappealing brown eastern european food!

31 08 2010
Sten

Budvar is fantastic. I was swept of my feet (take that however you like) by the stuff in Prague and was overjoyed the day I first saw it in my local bottleshop. Just a damn shame you can’t get it on tap over here (that I’ve seen, anyway).

As for the food in Central Europe (tell a Czech they’re “Eastern” European and you might well go home with your teeth in a hat! As far as a lot of them are concerned, it was our fault they ended up under German then Soviet rule for 70-odd years), it’s peasant food. So it’s always going to be some kind of roast meat (esp. Pork), preserved vegetables and some kind of starch.

While I love exotic stuff, sometimes all I want is good old-fashioned European peasant stuff.

31 08 2010
Mandi

If you live in Sydney, try the Hungry Czech at Bondi Beach. Tasty brown food and Czech beer on tap.

31 08 2010
Sten

Wow, the Hungry Czech! I went there about ten years ago, when it was in Mosman/Neutral Bay. That’s where I picked up an appreciation for Gambrinus.

The brown food was very ejoyable too, from what I remember of it.

Just a shame Bondi is such a pain in the arse to get to from my locale.

31 08 2010
vivisection

After a few weeks in Czech, Hungary and Romania, I had enough brown food for a lifetime. I’m not a big meat eater, or into crumbed meats in a big way. The further East you go, the less green you see. Though the Romanians have an exceptional sour cheese donutty kind of thing desert that they serve with wild berry sauce. I’d go back for more of that! The rest of it I found ok but pretty uninspired by and large. Actually the best food I had in Prague was at a mexican restaurant! But i was kind of biased because I’d eaten my way across northern Italy a few weeks earlier..

31 08 2010
James Hunter

Ah, Northern Italy and Austria.
Wood fired pizza and pork hocks with sourkraut yes please.

31 08 2010
Benny Hill

Nothing says CUB (pardon the pun) more then being a beer snob. If people were fair dinkum about their beer and the taste they’d brew it themselves. Same goes with spirits.

The worst beer in the history of mankind is XXXX Gold.

31 08 2010
Sten

I resent that. My first “legal” beer was a Newcastle Brown Ale. I fell in love with the stuff straight away. Over the next decade, my tastes evolved as I tried hundreds of beers from around the world.

And it’s true, (mass-market) Australian beer is relatively unsophisticated and lacking in character. My favourite Australian beers are both Pale Ales, by St Arnou and Barons. Squire Golden is also quite good.

But all that said, yes, I have brewed my own beer and still get involved in Brew Days at my mate’s place (he’s got plenty of room for it and we do three or four batches in one day, usually including one full-mash beer).

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

yeah totally, I’d brew my own if I had the room to do so, although I’d probably end up making Strong English style Cider instead.

But yeah I don’t really go for Larger and that basically what the local stuff is. I like ales and Porters…

Its not snobbery.

31 08 2010
Sten

For me it’s no so much the space, but rather lack of a place to put a second fridge, as I’d have to have a keg system, bugger mucking about with bottles constantly.

Regarding the lager, agreed. It’s got to be pretty special lager to warrant my attention (caveat: I drink monstrous amounts of Carlton while at my local, as it’s the best of a bad lot).

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

I’m not a beer snob I just know what I like and don’t let demented Tribalism make my choice between identically tasting shit-house beers…

And yes XXXX is a pox on humanity.

You know why they call it XXXX?

‘Cause you can’t write ‘Shit’ on a can.

That and Queenslanders can’t spell Beer…

31 08 2010
Benny Hill

Yes, we can’t speel but we have a great brewery, Burleigh Brewing Co. just down the road. Their marketing dep’t deserved an award for naming a beer ‘My missus is Bitter’ which bogan’s round this way laffed at for what seemed an eternity however their Pale Ale is very easy to drink. I tried one of their Mrs is Bitter and it was very very nice.

Look out for it.

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Benny, read #23 Locally Produced Foreign Beer. That is what CUB’s drink only because they think it makes them look klarsy!

Being a beer snob is not boganic. If only wanting to drink craft brewed beers or homebrew means you’re a beer snob, then I’ll admit to being a beer snob and say that I only want to enjoy a great tasting beer that is not full of chemicals and won’t give me a hangover in the morning.

Re your other post below…Burleigh Brewing’s Duke is a great beer too. Enjoyed several of those when I was up that way about 12 months ago. Also went to the Mt Tamborine brewery and had a great time tasting my way through their range as well!

1 09 2010
Benny Hill

Nelson, 12 months ago is a long time, especially here in SE QLD. I drink at a very Bogan pub on a Thursday/Friday arvo after work at the north end of the Gold Coast, a place where winning the meat tray and a carton of XXXX gold is seen as the equivalent of winning the lottery and almost brings a tear to the eye of winner whereby they are told to harden the fuck up. BUT while they drink Toohey’s New and VB at the pub, they all talk about their more upmarket endeavors when they get home and Cooper’s is the name that comes up the most.

So if these Bogan’s drink Cooper’s, is it plausible that Bogan’s can have good taste as well? They all talk about Beez Neez, Squire’s etc while drinking their bowls of loud mouth soup.

As for Tamborine, I am yet to indulge. There is a pub half way up that is styled on an English pub, run by poms and they do English Curry’s and serve Liptons Beer. Not bad at all.

31 08 2010
James Hunter

Benny,
Beer is like women, the best kind is the one you have in your hand

30 08 2010
spewy

I have worked and lived in asia for 20 years and still get the ‘but it’s spicy’ warning from shop owners when i buy stuff, even tom yum instant noodles. When you pull it off without a sweat you can almost see them thinking that not all round eyes are bogan whimps.

30 08 2010
The Stranger

Most of the non-Aldi discussion here talks about Indian or Thai foods, but there are other cuisines in which hot food features. Hot pickled chillies are eaten as an appetizer in Eastern and Southern European cultures. English mustard – not the milder mustard that sometimes passes for English mustard – produces a great amount of heat, but by a different pathway. Similarly for wasabi.

As a child, one of the macho games that my elders would play was to insouciantly eat hot chillies. This extended to giving hot chillies and sauces to children and cackling at their agony.

Bogans are not an Australia-only phenomenon.

As a result of that child abuse, I have developed a tolerance for chilli heat. Only the very hottest chillies (Scotch Bonnet, Habanero, Jolokia) cause me any tongue, palate or throat discomfort. I understand the mechanism for this is the gradual destruction of the taste buds that target chilli heat. Milder chillis, such as Jalapeno-level chillis don’t usually produce heat, but can still produce the other capsaicin effects such as scalp and face sweats and flushing.

For a while, I had to search for chillis that would add even a little subjective heat to food. I have found some now, but I don’t pursue heat for its own sake any more.

I think eating very hot food is something that takes practice, so I don’t object to people who are sensibly reluctant to eat very hot food. I think it’s a silly game to eat hot food just to prove that you can. If I read the article right, it’s not eating mild food or hot food that’s being mocked, but rather eating mild food and pretending it’s hot to establish maxtremity.

30 08 2010
The Stranger

Ooh ooh, I just reread the last paragraph. There’s another excuse a bogan will give to avoid eating a challenging food.

I was at a yakitori restaurant recently, in a large group. One of the guests brought a bogan partner, who refused to touch any of those nasty Japanese foods. I thought it likely he was squeamish about eating raw meats and all those weird bits and pieces that a bogan +will+ eat if invisibly blended into a hot dog.

His excuse? “I would, but I’m really hangin’ out for Maccas.”

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

I used to hassle the Kiosk guy at Uni to stock Steak And Kidney Pies (I love me some Kidney action) and he’d respond with I don’t sell offal, so I’d tell him exactly what was in the average Mince meat Blood Coffin…

Its mostly noses and testicles…

Oh and by law can’t contain any more than 1% rat meat…

31 08 2010
The Stranger

Oh, I can’t eat kidney any more, after working on a cattle farm. If you’ve ever smelt a yard full of cow piss, you know exactly why a kidney tastes the way it does.

31 08 2010
Lord Boofhead

Again having been an Unemployed Uni Student, Nan’s devilled kidneys recipe helped me get through many a lean week…

31 08 2010
James Hunter

cut in two lengthways and done on the Barbi along with some thinly sliced lambs fry. yum but do not over cook or they go tuff.

1 09 2010
Lord Boofhead

Awesome, I’ll try that this summer.

31 08 2010
Sten

Mmm… Kobe beef.

Funny, I would’ve thought said Bogan would’ve been champing at the bit to prove his maxXxtreme qualities by eating raw meat.

31 08 2010
distinguished gentleman

Lord boofhead, you are indeed a fine judge of beer. Been a coopers drinker for years, much to the annoyance of my friends and family in victoria who can’t understand why I would drink anything from south australia. And what’s with the elevated status that Crown Lager has with the bogans. You can see their eyes glaze over when they find one in the fridge, “oh yeah, a Crownie!!”. Same shite, higher price……..Come to think of it, the bogan will drink whatever it is told to. Put some ads on the telly for Carlton Draught with a stirring musical sountrack and all of a sudden it is a great tasting beer, and you have to be seen drinking it!!!??!?? sorry for getting off topic, but curry and (good) beer are good together..

31 08 2010
Shirley M

Crown Lager is VB in a different bottle.

White Rabbit. Now there’s a fine beer. The dog’s bollocks, in fact.

31 08 2010
Sten

Never heard of White Rabbit, Shirley. What can you tell me about it?

31 08 2010
Shirley M

I’ll let the beer (or at least the beer’s website) speak for itself:

http://www.whiterabbitbeer.com.au/the-beer.html

I’ve not been able to find the white ale yet, but the dark ale is AMAZING. Have you tried Fat Yak, which everyone seems to be raving about at the moment? Well White Rabbit is far, far superior.

31 08 2010
Sten

Yeah, I first tried Fat Yak a couple of years ago. I don’t know what it is about WA breweries, but I’ve never liked their beers as much as their Eastern counterparts. Fat Yak I found to be a bit too dry to be a proper Pale Ale.

As for this White Rabbit stuff… the Dark Ale sounds like it could be something special, but once you go adding stuff like like spices and orange zest, you’ve left the realm of beer, in my opinion. Hence, the White Rabbit White Ale sounds much like Hoegaarden to me, which I could never see as a real beer.

But that’s just me.

31 08 2010
Shirley M

I know what you mean. Hoegaarden has a bit of a sickly element to it if you have too many. Still, on a hot day it’s a refreshing drink.

31 08 2010
Sten

I think it might just be the wheat thing for me. While I love wheat and appreciate it for being one of the twin staves of life of Western civilisation, I can’t help but feel that if I want a refreshing beverage, I must turn to the other staff of life (barley) for satisfaction.

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

The White White Rabbit is now available at Dan Murphy’s. I tasted it at the brewery in Healesville a few months ago, which was about a week before they actually launched it onto the market. Not a bad drop. I am more of a darker ale drinker, but I do agree with you regarding the Dark Ale; it is brilliant. Amazing how it’s brewed in open top vats and still doesn’t get ruined by natural air borne yeasts.

Fat Yak is not bad. The Bohemian Pilsner and the Helga are also fine efforts from the Matilda Bay range.

Last week, for the first time in ages, I had a pint of Little Creatures Pale Ale. I reckon it was from a fresh keg too, because it was beautiful! Felt very creamy in the mouth!

1 09 2010
Benny Hill

Went to the newish pub at Coldstream a year or so ago and their own cider is very nice. Nice meals as well, pity about the locals.

1 09 2010
Nelson Esq

A year or so ago is a long time in Victoria, Benny!! :)

Agree, Coldsteam does great food and good beers. Not a cider drinker myself, but their (English style) Naked Ale would be my pick of their range…but only off tap, the stubbies I took home were not up to scratch for some strange reason!

31 08 2010
martin

I’ll say. People who think Crownies are upmarket are 110% bogan morons.

31 08 2010
distinguished gentleman

White Rabbit eh? must find some…..

31 08 2010
Goran

Hang on, I just thought of something. Is ‘mild curries’ similar in any way to ‘moderate muslims’?

31 08 2010
Nelson Esq

Well, they both won’t kill you, so yes!!

31 08 2010
Hardly Ed

Read this yesterday, went home and ordered Ghosht Vindaloo.

31 08 2010
hel

Wow, they have ghost curries? That’s Xtra-xtreme

31 08 2010
Sten

If I’m not mistaken, Ghosht means “Goat”?

1 09 2010
No entity

Ghosht means meat

1 09 2010
Blueballs

I once saw a Food hawker cart in Bangkok emblazoned with the apt and rather catchy moniker “Wimpy Western Food’… enough said really!

1 09 2010
sean

this wasnt funny. You guys havent really been funny for a while now…

1 09 2010
Goran

you, on the other hand, were never funny.

1 09 2010
No entity

I used to work at an Indian restaurant in Canberra. Every word described on TBL is true. I don’t know if anyone on TBL has been to the bogan Mecca that is Dickson Canberra. The same assholes who would come in and order a mild curry with their stupid track pants and baseball hats would throw beer cans at me on my way home.

This one time on Melbourne Cup Day a drunk She-Bogue came in and asked if she could have a bowl of chips, as she “doesn’t fancy that tandoori nonsense”

Next Election I’m voting for however lets me slap stupid people

We have no business any further north than Braddon. TBL

2 09 2010
John Vardanega

Such disappointing memories of going Indian in inner Sydney because someone knew a place (beware people who either “know a place” or refer to themselves as “foodies”), only to end up eating spicy meat in gravy dished out of a bain-marie from a dodgy joint in Newtown.

So many of the heavy, sloppy, grey “curries” served in this country just don’t do Indian cuisine justice.

Authentic thali scooped up with dosa is the only way to fly. And to that end, Maya Masala in Surry Hills is da bomb!

6 09 2010
Ash

As an Indian who grew up in the bogan mecca that is Cronulla (just wondering – are you guys gonna do a “Token Brown/Asian Mate” column? I’d be happy to share some experiences) I know first hand how true this is.

7 09 2010
vivisection

Ash, I’ll contribute to a story about being hunted down to be the Token Homo friend that so many boguettes are desperate to find. Someone they can give penis novelty items to at christmas and birthdays. They want their very own private Richard Reid/Carson Kressley who they know just wants to hear about their sordid sex lives, tacky affairs and partners erectile dysfucntion. Someone they know will want to go to Mamma Mia, DFO and someone they can constantly say faaabulous around. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can only image what it would be like to be the Token Brown /Token Asian/ Token Gay BFF……

7 09 2010
Lord Boofhead

Yes they all want to be fucking Sarah Jessica Fucking Parker and then the move into the Inner City and then spend all their time winging about the noise and the lack of parking…

15 09 2010
Ash

It has it’s perks. Like being able to hook up with drunk bogan chicks without having to face a wave of angry bogans cause you’re an OK brown person. Or being able to go for a surf on Cronulla beach without being attacked by a mob of hobbits.

6 09 2010
James

Tandoori Times, Melbourne, Bombay Bhayankar Bakra, ask for 10/10. Proceed to chilli nirvana.

7 09 2010
common man

LOL.Another great article !!!! Hurry up with the book release tbl.??dymocks or abc stores?Also did tbl forget that most bogans tastebuds are dead from smoking since the age of 12??

10 11 2010
bogoff

The bogan curry is butter chicken…. the lame bland ass curry most aussies go for actually.

13 01 2011
Louie

Mention Indian food and you can guarantee you will hear “oh I love butter chicken and nanbreads (sic)”. Their other curry of choice is the not actually Indian super sweet tikka marsala. Appeals to taste buds used to V, Coke, McDs and Sunday lamb roast coated with Heinz Big Red.

I also frequent a vegetarian Indian place for a dosa. Take a bogan buddy… hey where’s the moit?

22 04 2011
Besharp42

My step-daughter is in China and will either starve or eat McDonalds while over there. Does it help to know that she was born in Ipswich?

23 04 2011
Phil S

Excellent Indian / Thai / Bangladeshi Curry Emporia in Birmingham, but if you want something rather authentic, time to visit Wakefield.

Used to subsist on the “rather hot” curries from the Forty Niner Diner in Selly Oak – when I was pulling the many “all-nighters” they were available, local, and of most importance, cheap!! NEVER had problems with their curries, or other things bought from them (although they seemed to always be under investigation by the local Public Health chaps!). Nothing quite like a nice filling Madras washed down with a pint of Guinness.

9 09 2011
Taariq Hassan

Tandoori cooking is originally from Kabul in Afghanistan . Afghans don’t eat crazy fiery chillies. They have mild food.They use large clay ovens to cook bread and dry roast meat on skewers.
The Bangladeshis found that the English liked food with a sauce or gravy so the chicken tikka masala was invented.
It is what the Bangladeshis think the English think what Punjabi/Avaadhi food is.
The word Curry comes from Tamil ‘Kaari” meaning sauce. Bengali , Punjabi and Gujarati food is rarely kamakazi hot even in India and Pakistan.
The only real regional cuisine of India that is genuinely H O T with chillies is from Andhra Pradesh.
Most Bogans think Afghan/ Pakistani and Indian Punjabi food is Indian but show them a masala dosa or rava iddli & rasam and they’d become very perplexed:As perplexed as they’d be if commercial cringe radio stations such as MMM FM or FOX FM started playing only John Coltrane and/or Lata Mangeshkar.

9 09 2011
Taariq Hassan

naan or noon means bread in Persian/Urdu/ Hindi /Punjabi
chai means in the sub cont. : milk, tea leaves,water, sugar, spice all boiled up together.

26 02 2012
Taariq Hassan

If you mongers who think you are not brain dead bogans think chillies = real indian food you miss the point. i.e. North Indian Gurum masaala is made of black pepper, cinnamon sticks, green cardomom,cloves, cummin,corriander seeds, & fennell seeds all freshly ground into a powder.if you roast these things 1st on a hot iron skillet you will increase the aroma and taste.
.

28 02 2012
Lord Boofhead

I don’t think any of us here have said that you condescending twat. And yes I’m well aware of Garram Massala I have a big jar of it in my pantry that I use when I cook Indian food. If I just wanted Chillies I’d go Mexican. Cajun or Thai.

Now this was about CURRIES not Indian food. There are non Indian Curries too. Plus all curries have a bit of heat to them even mild ones.

What this thread is laughing at is the idiocy of Mild ‘Vindaloos’ made to placate bogans who what to pretend they eat hot food.

9 06 2014
franz chong

mild Curry what a Joke.For those of you who have been to india and come back.A store keeper over there will laugh at the thought of a non spicy curry.

9 06 2014
James Hunter

Franz, A non spicy curry is an oxymoron !

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