#160 – EmotionDrums™

26 07 2010

The bogan knows what’s going on. It thinks. Well, it knows what’s real. Maybe. Let’s face it, it all gets a bit confusing sometimes. But there’s certainly one thing that the bogan definitely, absolutely, loves, along with the rest of the bloody country: Masterchef.

So, as of a few weeks ago, the bogan likes to cook eat unprocessed food. But with its experience of such things being as limited as it is, coupled with its inability to nominate weekly winners via premium SMS services as well as its deeply ingrained sense of confusion, the bogan simply can’t decide how to process the events taking place six nights a week.

Luckily, Channel Ten is here to help, with its patented EmotionDrums™. When the bogan is lost, confused or nonplussed, it can quickly figure out how it should feel, thanks the constant, thunderous clamour of the digitized percussive soundtrack that pollutes 5.05 of the 5.1 channels on its home theatre system. Nervous? Skittering beats. Building nervous tension? Grandiose thuds. Criticism from judges? Staccato snares. Successfully cracked a snow egg? Cymbals! Joyous? Just add violins! The entire spectrum of bogan emotion can be, and has been distilled into one instrument on one show, and the bogan is thankful.

There’s another way to know what to think, also. In case actually watching people cook stuff is insufficient for figuring out that they’re cooking stuff. “So I had to put the meringues in the oven for 40 minutes at 200 degrees,” says Callum, as we watch him put meringues into an oven for 40 minutes at 200 degrees. Subsequent to these pearls of insight, Mr. “I’m boss at the Press Club” will furiously gesticulate the seriousness of the situation to his slightly better spoken counterpart, building the suspense like a German pornographic film. But only to be thwarted by the show’s gently-fade-out-to-ad-break graphic of a fireball collapsing and exploding like a dying star. The bogan is angry and storms into its kitchen to microwave yesterday’s Meatlovers pizza. It has feta cheese on top, because it’s gormette.

But that isn’t all Masterchef has offered the bogan. Beyond not knowing precisely what to think, the bogan was always torn as to what to buy. After all, there’s just so many things out there. But thanks to Masterchef, the McMansion is now choc-full of Handee Ultra, Scanpan cookware, the entirety of Coles’ fresh produce department and tickets to Phuket with Qantas, instead of Jetstar.

Meanwhile, McDonald’s has been losing customers. But now that the EmotionDrums™ have fallen silent until the next season of Masterchef, the golden arches know that the bogan, confused once more, will very soon come scuttling back through its automatic doors for deep fried emotional instruction.


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246 responses

26 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

LOL

26 07 2010
djm

Clearly I need to educate myself on German porn. Shall I start with Herzog or Fassbinder?

26 07 2010
vivisection

Leni Riefenstahl.

26 07 2010
djm

touche

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Fassbinder ?
Bondage Ha !

26 07 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I couldn’t help but notice that your twitter account was in overdrive during the #masterchef finale, TBL…

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Fi, Is Chef a fan of the show and has hes been recreating some of the masterpieces for your delectation?

26 07 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Chef comes across as quite dismissive of it, yet I know he secretly watches it. I have no idea if he’s prepared anything from it for my gustatory delight. I did have him make me a “pizza” (sp?) once.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I would imagine Chef is a Heston B fan, have you dined at his eatery? To make a truly great pizza is a fine task for any chef.

26 07 2010
:(

Ugh

26 07 2010
vivisection

It seems that just like The Emotiondrums on Ten, all new Leonardo DiCaprio films must have an accompanying Exxtreme Loud Foghorn soundtrack blarring its way into your skull, just in case you miss a point.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

yeah i was about to mention Inception. great film, Nolan’s an awesome director, but the soundtrack was drowning out the dialogue

felt it was a bit too linear and not dreamlike enough though

won’t spoil it…

26 07 2010
vivisection

They did the same with Shutter Island – foghorn after bloody foghorn… I enjoyed Inception, it might be too cerebral for the average bogan though. They aren’t used to having to work for their explosions.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i was hoping for more mindfucks and less explosions

one of the digital networks showed On Her Majesty’s Secret Service the same night Inception opened. you could compare the ski chases

but whatever you say about it Inception was a great film. still preferred Dark Knight though

26 07 2010
Shirley M

And it’s only a few months until mini masterchef or whatever!

26 07 2010
vivisection

God spare me, precocious children with stove mums cooking bougie food…. “Stephanie’s only eaten sushi since her third birthday and she can tell what brand of knife the chef has used to slice the f#cking salmon…” Can’t wait. Hopefully the underdog will a boguette called Breannnah who has only eaten fairy bread since coming off the tit.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I bet there will be a whole lot less crying from the kiddies.

26 07 2010
Gavin

Tuning into my first episode of Masterchef for the season last night i noticed the same thing, the soundtrack / score was relentless.. I did find it pretty funny when every 45 seconds the fat bald greek judge spat out another inspirational sieze the day type comment, he really had to shout to get over the drums

26 07 2010
Frazer

“cook for your master chef lives”, “this is your grand final”, he seems like a real twat.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

I’d never seen the show until last night but my family got really into it… they’re all pretty much foodies. seeing my dad predict the results of each challenge and go on about the chef’s stats was awesome
he should go on the show
i want to eat Adam’s pork dishes

that came out wrong

i live on my own, so i can’t be bothered cooking
love the bald judge’s coat… reminds me of Captain Jack Harkness

funny that it’s filmed at Carriageworks, one of the least bogan places on earth (it’s a Redfern artspace)

26 07 2010
Boort

I thought I was the only one who noticed the cacophony of sounds effects in these Channel 10 ‘reality’ contests… The Biggest Loser, whenever Ajay or Hayley spoke – we would be treated to a new sound effect after each sentence – it got to the point where the sound effect was just another form of punctuation.

26 07 2010
hel

Clearly the bloke who won is a bit of a bogan too, did you see his “hot asian girlfriend”?

26 07 2010
Gavin

does that count when you are asian though?

26 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Asian and bogan are by no means mutually exclusive. As a result, I would say it can still count. But that guy is probably not a bogan, just a wanker (although, again, the two are not mutually exclusive).

26 07 2010
Frazer

I hope we are not assuming that all people with hot Asian girlfriends are bogans. Surely, the bogan does not have the patience or capability to maintain a long term relationship with a foreigner. After the initial hotness has subsided, the bogan will most likely have to deal with langauge barriers (parents) and ‘culture n that’.

28 07 2010
devil's advocate

Today I saw a photo of the japanese girlfriend. “Hot” does not even begin to do her justice. At least in one respect, he’s done very well for himself indeed.

26 07 2010
martin

I was wondering why these “lifestyle” programs, ie cooking and renovation shows, are so popular. My conclusion was that the bogan has made society so sh!t that it has to retreat into it’s McMansion to get some enjoyment out of life.

Another bogan sound effect irritates me is the sad, sappy piano. Played whenever some sob story, like when some bogan loses their house because they took on maxtreme levels of debt whilst getting paid not far above minimum wage and not planning financially for Brayden and Jecinta.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i don’t get why Aussies prefer this stuff to sci-fi or drama. lack of imagination?

26 07 2010
Brimstone

or is society so peaceful and ordered that the only conflict left is what’s for dinner?

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Brimstone,
Only some of them and they be the bogan bit. I have only watched three or maybe four times and then only short bits just to see what all the ho ha was about. The pregnant pauses and the drum rolls just too much
if at acting school someone overacted to that extent they’d be “drumed out”

26 07 2010
martin

Well I don’t know who said this but it rings true imo.

“Australia: A society of people who spend money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”

I don’t know why Australian TV is so lame. I suppose it’s cheaper and safer to just make “lifestyle” shows.

Well you won’t get shot or bashed as easily in Australia compared to many other countries but at the end of the day, whenever it comes down to a “you or me” situation I find most Australians to be pretty feral. There’s certainly no honour or “may the best man win”. Anything goes.

26 07 2010
martin

I mean that’s probably why there’s so much disingenuous hugging going on in those shows. They have to hug to stop themselves from killing each other. Or glassing each other.

26 07 2010
pb

i think that description could be made of most people in western countries, really. except maybe scandinavian countries.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

Western? ’cause only the Decadent West are we violent. everyone else is so peaceful

gotta say Aussies are a really chilled out people

26 07 2010
pb

well, more that in the west people have money to spend on things to impress others. i guess more accurately i should have said it is a trait of people who have some money to be able to spend on stuff they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

as opposed to Japan, which has no cool consumer goods what so ever

26 07 2010
pb

japan is both western and included in the people who have money category. i was just trying to make the point that martin’s comment suggesting only australians buy things purely to impress others isn’t accurate.

26 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

In International Relations, West and East no longer tend to refer to discrete geographical regions – indeed, they haven’t since the Cold War really started heating up (sorry). To be western is more a matter of politics and self-identification than anything else.

To illustrate, would you say Australia is west or east, Brimstone?

26 07 2010
Brimstone

West, i guess

26 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

While geographically, it is southeast according to the old European standard from which the terms East and West originate. The “West” is more a political and economic condition, and a state of mind, than anything else.

27 07 2010
Phil

Or, “North” and “South” – Australia would be included in the (predominantly) wealthy “North”.

26 07 2010
vivisection

It encourages their rampant consumption and provides them with the right brand info so their next purchase is immediately recognised by their friends. They couldn’t risk the alienation of doing things differently without an As Seen on TV Seal of Approval.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i dunno… the food culture the show is promoting seems very different then stuff like fast food and pub meals. my dad seemed to rate all the guest chefs as legit, world-famous cooks

26 07 2010
vivisection

They probably are, doesn’t change the fact that the show is one big advertorial telling people what to buy, where to buy and what to cook it in. 90% of these famous chef’s all wear whites with their restaurant name plastered all of them. One big cash cow at the expense of the bogan’s wallet.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

That’s true, they are. Masterchef is tricky, because, as TBL said, pretty much everyone likes it. It would only be a particular kind of person (read bogan) who would watch it without fail, all six nights of the week, and be sucked in by the massive advertising quotient of the show.

26 07 2010
vivisection

I watched quite a bit of it, just for the Knobbery. It was outstanding Knobbery. My family were so involved it was hilarious. I was nearly kicked out of their house for suggesting that all the food might taste like shit for all we know and that they wouldn’t risk losing advertisers by telling us. I particularly love the opinions they all formed about the cooks based on food they hadn’t tried.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

It was on so often I saw it from time to time, but was in no way dedicated to it. Anyone who really enjoys cooking, like me, is generally busy in the kitchen at that time of night. You’re right though, the knobbery was outstanding. Also, most of the food would have tasted like shit, because it’s absolutely stone cold by the time the judges taste it. And I have no doubt in my mind that the finalists are pretty much pre-selected by the network based on who they think will shift the most cookbooks.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Brim,

Tis true some of the cooking talent on the show is great and for a foodie like me it is quite interesting. The bogan part comes with how it is all packaged up for their simple consumption which compromises the shows good points. One thing I do like is that they have resisted making it combative (eg Sandilands style work) which would push even more bogan buttons but turn off completely anyone else.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

it’s weird because the closest thing to MasterChef i saw before this was Iron Chef, which basically MADE the Food Network in the States. and there the combativeness was pumped up

anyone else think the whole series was based on somebody mispronouncing MasterChief (the guy from Halo)?

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

Iron Chef is so bogan, yet so awesome at the same time.

It is truly maxxxtreme (it even earns an extra X). Kinda like me.

26 07 2010
Tombarina

Couldn’t agree more.

This is the first reality TV show I’ve ever watched, let alone enjoyed, because it was based on something tangible and accessible (food, and the selection, preparation and consumption thereof, rather than outlasting other fools in a house/island) and it played up to basic human decency rather than negativity (humiliation, severe physical or emotional pressure).

I liked that each elimination ended up on a positive note (the vanquished bod being reunited with their family and friends) and that Courtney and Alvin were, simply Courtney and Alvin, rather than Our Two Gay Contestants Because We’re So Evolved And ‘Now’.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

That’s the thing about Masterchef. We all eat every day. Most of us cook. A lot of us cook every day. Everyone can relate to it. Unlike Idol or So You Think You Can Dance et.al.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Courtney was gay?

26 07 2010
Tombarina

Yepski.

That’s what I mean – it wasn’t played up as “MC’s Big Gay Shock”. She was just “Courtney the bar manager”.

26 07 2010
vivisection

My favorite moment was when Alvin announced that the first he was going to do at home was romp around in his king size bed with his partner. Awkward silence, cue drums…explosions…

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ad break.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I’m surprised there wasn’t a cross-promotional ad for ansell condoms.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Though there probably was one for Handee Ultra – equally appropriate I guess. :-p

26 07 2010
vivisection

Matt P – “these condoms are a little chewy. The mint flavour is delicious though.”

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good for cleaning up a mess…… Sorry.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

‘Great sex ends with clean surface areas’.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Flavoured condoms. What a terrible idea. Do they still make those?

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

This weeks secret challenge is

Edible Undies.

What are the ingredients for today George?

26 07 2010
vivisection

There might be an opening for Pina Colada Flavoured condoms Shirl. You could have a cookbook “Food for the Arse”.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I’m not a LOLer Viv, but I just LOLed. Heartily. I’ll dedicate ‘Food for the Arse’ to you.

26 07 2010
vivisection

Or “Shove it up your Hearth”

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Food for the Arse?

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ignore above.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Spoil your partners arse this Valentines Day with Pina Colada condoms.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

This is turning into a South Park Episode. You know the one where they stuck food up their arse and sh*t out their mouth.

26 07 2010
Mick

Food for the arse?

That could be a Spinal Tap album.

26 07 2010
vivisection

Doesn’t your man deserve a Tropical Fruit Punch Arse this Valentines day. New from “Fruits of the Arse”, the sequel to 2010′s best seller ” Food for The Arse”

26 07 2010
vivisection

It’s turning benny hill now. Run!! cue drums…

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Followed closely by
“Meat and Arse – A match made in heaven”

26 07 2010
Shirley M

With today’s busy lifestyle, many couples find they don’t have time to both eat and f*ck. The solution? ‘Degustation for the Date’.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Satisfaction for the sphincter.

26 07 2010
vivisection

And for dessert, why only a Sticky Date Pudding flavour would do. Couples can share.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m not sure there is anywhere else to go after a sticky date joke.

26 07 2010
vivisection

Perhaps I need a therapist.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Or a Pina Colada

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Spotted Dick Condoms. For those who don’t like sticky date.

Ok, I’ll stop now.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Toad in the Hole!

26 07 2010
vivisection

I will not take this to the blood pudding level. ooops…

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I suspect we all need help. I am currently running around the room in fast motion, chasing a scantily clad lady in my boxers.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I love you dirty bastards. Truly I do. xx

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Why she wearing your boxers ?

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thats a good question. And more to the point why am I wearing sock suspenders?

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I’m surprised Mr. Kipling hasn’t expanded into the flavoured condom business. French Fancies French Letters, The Battenberg – for the man who likes a large log…

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Marquis De Sade could write the book for us. We all know what his favoured “ink” is, just for that bit of authenticity.

26 07 2010
floppylymphburp

Courtney Was Gay ? – most likely still is – LOL

26 07 2010
Shirley M

A girl I know, who leans toward boganism, told me recently that she was going to invite us over for dinner, because she’d bought the Masterchef magazine.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So, you’ll be eating cardboard?

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Yeah I guess so. I hope the one magazine is enough to go around. Or maybe she’ll ask me to bring along another one.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Take a Donna Hay for variety.

26 07 2010
vivisection

Or a Woman’s Weekly with a few Julie Goodwin columns and fountain sauce ads, I mean recipes in it.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I’ve got some old, sorry, ‘vintage’, Peter Russell Clarke’s lying about the place somewhere.

26 07 2010
vivisection

I walk past a building site every day – big ugly units with maxxtreme penthouses on top, and Peter Russel Clarke’s face is all over the signage promoting it. he is in Chef white’s and a Cravat. I was bewildered and afraid until someone tagged “Don’t Trust Cravat Wearing C#nts” all over him (not exact, but close enough phrase). Then I felt that the universe had rebalanced itself. It only lasted a few days. But it was a small victory for decency.

We are aware of this development, for it is located in Melbourne’s hipster zone. The only explanation we can offer for PRC being involved in the project, is that he has become ironic. The opportunity to have paintings in your foyer done by that swearing retro chef from Youtube is too droll for the dual income hipster partnership to resist. TBL

26 07 2010
vivisection

G’DAY TBL !! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. For the record,when I moved into this hipster area, not even Santa would visit.

26 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Where’s the cheese?

Now that’s irony.

26 07 2010
vivisection

noice!

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

hipsters are becoming just as bad as bogans in melbourne.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

True, fixie bike anyone. Wankers!

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
corrugated cardboard is good, comes in all the colourbond colours

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Shirl

You are one lucky lady!!

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

correct..it’s nothing but a huge advertorial like cooking shows have always been. I find the whole foodie culture in australian to be one big embarrasing wank. Nothing gets my ire when someone feels the need to drop the name of some trendy restaurant and then has to mention the chef by his first name. He is a fucken chef not a geniius.

I guess Australians as a whole are tryhards, well thats the impression most around here get when they see things coming out of australia.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

look… you know i’m no great lover of Australian culture in general but Aussies DO do food, wine, and coffee well. there’s nothing wrong with being proud of that fact. the chef who came out with the final challenge was a top-ranked world chef

we also watched the show after eating a home-cooked meal and while eating a humble home cooked dinner

“He is a fucken chef not a geniius.”

er, great chefs are geniuses

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

Not they are not.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yes they are.

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

And what makes chefs geniuses? Everyone can be a good cook if they got off their lazy arses and give it a try.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

this is that whole ‘tall poppy syndrome’ thing, right? yeah, anyone can be a good cook, and i had a delicious home-cooked dinner last night. but not everybody can invent new recipes or give old recipes an amazing twist. i’d literally never seen anything like that final desert they served

can’t you apply that to anything? ‘oh, anyone can be a great painter if they just got off their arse and painted’

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

after reading your first line i call you out to be a MASSIVE BOGAN.

Sorry but you are.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

“after reading your first line i call you out to be a MASSIVE BOGAN.”

how so? saying that anyone can be as good as a world-class chef is a bit bullshit. they theoretically could but these guys are some of the best in the business

26 07 2010
pb

surely using the sorry but you are line is more bogan?

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Everyone could cook to a satisfactory level if they gave it a try, but it’s ridiculous to claim anyone could be a world class chef. Superb cooking is both an art and a science. That’s like saying anyone could be a rock star if they got off their arse and gave it a try.

26 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

I’d rather be a genius Hugh Hefner.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There is a huge difference between being a good cook and following a receipe and creating new and brilliant food. For every Cheong Liew or Heston B there are a thousand working chefs who casn’t cook or follow receipes any better than me. I would not say Jamie Oliver for example is a genius.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Jamie is pretty awesome, but you’re right, not quite ‘genius’.

I invented Pina Colada Pie the other day. It was delicious. I still have some in the fridge if you’d like to pop over and try it.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That sounds like the work of genius Shirl. I made Shepards pie last night which, whilst delicious, probably does not rate as genius. And yes Jamie is awesome, I use alot of his stuff.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

No, shepherds pie isn’t genius, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good. I’d make it more often, but I find it to be rather time consuming. I frequently make a broccoli, cauliflower and anchovy cannelloni thanks to Jamie. And I am enjoying his US food revolution show.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I keep missing it, will make more effort.

26 07 2010
pb

i made a green tea stir fry once because we forgot to pick up anything for the sauce and we couldn’t get to the shops again. it was actually pretty fantastic.
on the other hand, i set a saucepan of oil on fire in food tech at school – the only thing that stopped the entire school being evacuated was the fact that the smoke alarms didn’t work.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I learnt the art of cooking as a result of being a dirt poor student and throwing whatever morsels were in the fridge/pantry into a pot. Milo flat cake is still one of my favourite desserts!

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

you have obviously never eaten food prepared and cooked by a chef that loves his/her job.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

They’re tastebud geniuses. Generally not IQ geniuses.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

it’s artistic

there was a guy who ran a restaurant back in the States who was an utter grade – A asshole to his customers. but he was such an amazing cook that people kept coming back. i had a full dinner at his place and i ate things i didn’t even know i liked

who first came up with the idea of combining raw fish, seaweed, and sushi rice? he’s a genius

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I want to know who first looked at a lobster and said ‘I’m going to eat that’.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

an utter genius… those things are delicious

anyway, isn’t the idea of MasterChef that anyone can be a great cook?

26 07 2010
bazza

Bear Grylls

26 07 2010
bazza

sorry.. i was replying to Shirley M’s query of “I want to know who first looked at a lobster and said ‘I’m going to eat that” with my “Bear Grylls” comment.

when it’s not coupled with the comment it’s replying to… my reply looks hideously awkward and random.

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Bazza

LMAO

26 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

It doesn’t mean much, apparently David Beckham is also considered a genius.

26 07 2010
Frazer

Talking of A-grade wankers, did you happen to stumble across John Spellman in the recent news?
If you manage to find the article, some of the comments are quite disturbing.

26 07 2010
James Hunter

ShirlyM,
They are more then just taste bud wizzs.
They need excellent time management and planning skills.
They also need to be quick which means both strength and co ordination
No point in being able to cook the best four courses but having the main course ready too soon or the deseart taking so long the coffee has gone cold ?

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I was just making the point that they aren’t geniuses in the MENSA kind of way, but that doesn’t make their particular brand of amazing skill any less worthy.

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ simon

“ArtieFufkin (11:59:23) : Not they are not. ”
“Simon – Glasser at Arms (12:02:08) : Yes they are.”

HAHAHAHAHA

Love you love your work.

26 07 2010
Mick

Where do chefs go to get ranked?

26 07 2010
Shirley M

They don’t go anywhere. ‘Critics’ go to their restaurants.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

most people probably rerfer to the Michelin Guide rankings, though there are others. Australia has the SMH Good Food Guide

my dad (sorry to keep mentioning him, but he is the food guy) can rattle of Michelin star rankings of restaurants like some people can rattle off sports results

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

who cares? This is what i mean..you need to mention how awesome your dad is when it comes to food, so what?

26 07 2010
Brimstone

’cause we’re talking food, and he’s the guy who knows his stuff. if we were talking rock and roll i’d appeal to my own authority, ’cause i know that

and if you’re not a food guy, that’s fine. i usually eat pretty cheap, mediocre meals anyway. but you can’t claim that cooking isn’t a skill

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

No i love my food and i can cook some mean dishes..but i find it to be expected like brushing your teeth and taking a shower.

People are so lazy these days.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i work full time and come home to an empty apartment. i can’t be bothered to cook

but just ’cause i could learn to cook decent dishes (you’re right, BTW) doesn’t mean i could be a genius chef

you sound like Jamie Oliver in his shows

27 07 2010
Radbloke

No, you’re just a jerk.

26 07 2010
Mick

Ok, but are they judged on a particular dish or a body of work? Consistancy over time?

I’ve always wondered how it’s done.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i’m pretty sure restaurants are continually being reevaluated. the SMH had a big thing about why it dropped hats from a few restaurants this year

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

So really you are the beck and call of some egomaniac who determines if you are worthy or not.

Such wank and such a farce the whole rating system.

I have had meals at some of these restaurants and like art food is subjective. What i ate was horrid compared to what the critique gave it..and this was a high rated restaurant.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

What the f*ck else is critisism but one persons opinion. You don’t have to agree.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

A michelin star or chef’s hat etc. isn’t a guarantee that you personally will like the food. It would be foolish to assume so.

26 07 2010
Mick

This was the point I was leading to but I didn’t want to say wank and/or farce.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

well, yes, of course art is subjective. but critics are still needed. you can usually get a critical consensus happening, and how else are you supposed to find out about up and coming bands/movies/restaurants? i love sharing some awesome unknown band with people and i imagine it’s the same with food critics

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Well said Brim. Having an opinion does not make you a wanker.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Mick, They tend to get judged at least once a year to see how they are going.

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Michelin is a year long process.

High end Chefs want these stars/hats they are a sign that you are close to perfecting their art.

26 07 2010
common man

france,the michelin tyre company awards

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Heeellllooooooo CM

Well Come back!!!

26 07 2010
martin

I find cooking to be pretty hard, impossible for me to make a genuinely good restaurant quality meal that you would pay $30 for. I find most restaurants to be pretty crap though, I only know of one I would recommend and I could easily make the half arsed slop that you get from most restaurants.

But yeah the “foodie” culture shits me. People think they’re such king sh1t for sitting down at a f&cken restaurant. They should be glassed.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

it’s pretty hilarious that a site full of snobs are attacking foodies for… being snobs

i don’t like sports but i can recognize that there are sports players who are better then others. Don Bradman? i’m guessing he was really good at cricket. Matt Moran? really good at cooking

26 07 2010
Mick

With sport and arts you can actually see the talent for yourself. With cooking you’re relying on the opinion of someone else for the majority of the time.

That’s why I’ve always wondered about their ranking system. Maybe I should find a hobby. You know, take my mind off that pressing burden of chefdom.

26 07 2010
martin

I think our snobbery is a bit more in depth than simply going to a restaurant and eating, and posing.

26 07 2010
Sten

Why are they so popular? I suppose it’s because the average Sydneysider these days is just so venal, avaricious and uncultured that nothing else will grab it’s interest. If they can’t have the multi-million dollar Bondi appartment and the shit-hot car, they figure they might as well watch these shows for clues as to how to make it happen.

And another thing… what’s with this bloody “Bondi Vet” tripe? Sure, everybody likes shows about animals, but why Bondi? Is it the “glitz and glamour” of Australia’s premiere suburb that sets it apart from every other vet show?

Sounds like a massive case of style over substance to me.

26 07 2010
common man

@sten,bondi vet is an offshoot of bondi beachwatch hoping for the bogans vote

26 07 2010
Sten

Dunno why the Bogans would be into anything Bondi these days, cm. After all, isn’t the place full of Islanders, Russians, Jews and Poms? Sounds suspiciously multi-cultural to me.

Unless the vet’s only clients are dinky-di Aussies, as befitting the Bogan’s expectations.

26 07 2010
martin

When I think of Bondi I still think of surfie bogans. It’s in the eastern suburbs so I guess that would be Sydney’s answer to hollywood, so you’ve got all the tarts and meatheads who fancy an easy living by becoming a celebrity.

27 07 2010
Sten

Yeah, good point, martin, only the Surfie Bogans are pretty much combined to Maroubra these days. Otherwise the Surfie Bogan will be found on the Northern Beaches (ie the Insular Peninsula) or the Cronulla area.

26 07 2010
ArtieFufkin

HAs anyone noticed that for the first time in over a decade ch 10 is not following their crapness with another crappy game show? In the past the last weeks of BB saw ch 10 go into overdrive for either fatest loser or idol or “dance”

But this year since all that garbage has been finally put out to be collected and dumped at the tip there has been nothing, how good has it been?????!!!

26 07 2010
Shirley M

Instead they’ve filled up the 8 hours or so with crappy US sitcoms. Joy.

26 07 2010
James Hunter

ShirlyM
Cultural imperialism

27 07 2010
Brimstone

not enough of it on TV, if you ask me

26 07 2010
Tombarina

Disclaimer: I thoroughly enjoyed much of MC, loved the finale and will give the snow egg recipe a red-hot go in coming weeks.

That said, large slabs of it were the televisual equivalent of ‘death by PowerPoint’ – the need to labour every point, the repetitive show AND tell.

And, most irritatingly, the unceasing audiocues.

If I possess sufficient functional neurons to wrangle a remote control and tune the TV to Channel 10, I can certainly don’t need a drum to define emotion, thanks MC. Decent dish + smiley contestant = Good News. Dodgy dish + anxious contestant = Bad News. Decent dish + super-nervous, perpetually-blinking, profusely-sweating contestant = Callum.

26 07 2010
Tone

Only 5.1 channels? Most bogans these days have at least 7.1 – that’s 2 more channels of maxtreme drummage.

Harvey Norman missed a major opportunity by not reminding the bogan of that during a commercial break last night. TBL

26 07 2010
pb

am i the only person in the country who’s never seen more than about ten minutes of the show?

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i avoided it until yesterday, but i got sucked in
it’s best to watch it with someone who knows food

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Possibly.

26 07 2010
Sibyl Ince

pb, you’re not missing much at all. How anyone could enjoy this muck after having seen the British original is a mystery to me. The Aussies have taken a winning concept and totally aborted it.

26 07 2010
Shirley M

I’d say most Australians who love it haven’t seen the British original.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

i still think it’s based on somebody mispronouncing Master Chief

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

I haven’t even seen that much PB.

Once again I can proudly announce that I have not seen a minute and the only add I have seen have been at Coles. ;)

26 07 2010
Sten

Me neither. But it doesn’t matter anyway. As you said, Pinky, there’s no escape.

26 07 2010
urbanreverie

I can beat that, PB. I see your ten minutes of MasterChef and raise you zero minutes. Nobody can beat me!

Actually, I saw snippets of it on Media Watch a few weeks ago, about the insidious product placement and “integrated advertising”, does that count? Oh, and a couple of snippets on The Chaser too a couple of years ago. I hope that this doesn’t count either!

I love my food and, being a solo bachelor, I am absolutely addicted to taste.com.au and I can cook very well – roast dinners (I do the best potatoes in the world), curries, pastas, stir fries, casseroles, desserts. But I like my food too much for that love to be tainted by something as crass as reality television. Reality TV makes my brain bleed.

Kudos to TBL for withstanding enough MasterChef to be able to write today’s article. I know that they only watched it for the purposes of boganological research but still I am sure that even with a clinical disengagement from the subject of their studies, it must have been emotionally gruelling – like an experienced surgeon dealing with a particularly gruesome car accident.

26 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Never seen it. I avoid reality TV like herpes. The only parts that I saw were when MasterBait was thoroughly disassembled by both Media Watch and The Gruen Transfer, for their insidious incorporation of product placement into nearly every shot, taking that to a whole new level.

Even those with PVRs like the TiVo can’t completely skip advertising, for it is imbedded into the actual programming and to lift recently-screened footage into commercial spots for the shows sponsors verily raises my cynicism.

I do declare that I did once regularly view one of these heinous programmes, that being Big Brother, during the second season (don’t ask me why I did, I must’ve been rampantly fu¢ked in the head at the time) and got thrown off of and barred from the official forum for sledging the sponsors in a satirical piece re the conspicuous placement of products, I think by making a suggestion of a parallel house using competitors’ items…so I mustn’t have been completely messed :P

Thank the taxpayer for the ABC!

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Baggy

Proud moments!! Kicked off BB forum should be on your resume!

Well done

27 07 2010
Phil

No pb, you are not. I haven’t even seen 2 minutes of it (end then only in passing the kids watching it. The only cooking show I have ever watched was Keith Floyd.

26 07 2010
citizen74

Masterchef, an hour long advertisement masquerading as entertainment.

Unfortunately it is only one of many. There is a long list of shows that are nothing more than vehicles from which corporations can engage in saturation advertising and less than subtle placement of their shit products for an hour or so.

American Chopper, surely a bogan favourite, is the gold standard in ad-vertainment. More concerning is the fact that it regularly doles out a healthy measure of propaganda by building various impractical, garish and overly long bikes for the American Military. Throughout the duration of the build the various OCC pundits are given the opportunity to parrot clichéd jingoistic rhetoric about how honoured they feel to be building a bike for the various institutions of American war mongering and tyranny.

I once watched an episode where the big tattooed moustachioed fellow said “it is an honour to be building this bike for the army/air force/Navy/DEA/CIA (not sure which) because they are over there (he did not specify exactly where) fighting for our freedom”. Presumably the “over there” to which he was referring was the world super power which is Iraq.

American Chopper does not utilise the EmotionDrum preferring instead to edit in pregnant pauses complete with surreptitious and worried glances of one employee to another in moments where the tension of the situation needs to be conveyed to the viewer.

26 07 2010
pominoz

I did watch one or 2 episodes of American Chopper. Only because I was surfing trying to avoid commercials on Paytv. If you notice the engineering that goes into making the bikes is usually pretty crap. You would not want to go around many bends on one of those bikes. They never seemed to torque the fixings and some of the sharp bits would send an ADR engineer a funny white colour.

Anyway apparently its all got tits up. The younger brother was in re-hab, the older brother is going to sue the Dad for lost earnings and the better engineers have moved on.

26 07 2010
devil's advocate

The emotiondrums are to masterchef what the laugh track is to Three and a half men. That is, entirely appropriate fodder for TBL.

Bravo. This post goes beyond the basics (for example, merely pointing out that masterchef is bogan) and highlights a particular aspect of the show that has been designed specifically to appeal to cognitively-impaired bogans. It’s impudently spicy, but unpretentious and satisfying.

Five stars. I could eat here every night.

To all those expressing incredulity that people on this site don’t regularly watch the show, I will simply point out that for the most part is it up against John Stuart (the daily show) and the Colbert Report.

26 07 2010
pominoz

Ahh the joys of not watching commercial tv. Never watched an episode of Masterchef but read the reviews. Seems that they all cried, had tantrums and thats just the judges. I really love some food programs. The type that are a travelogue as well as a cooking class. Think of Rick Stein in France or travelling around the Med cooking some nice food, meeting interesting people and showing us the fantastic scenery.

i buy them on DVD so its commercial free!

26 07 2010
T-ra

Nope…still have not watched an episode of Masterchef, so cannot comment on what is being talked about…The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are on at our house at that time of the evening.

However, I have just returned from 3 weeks in Italy and do I have a reality TV show for you all to consider…one of the top rating TV shows on Italian TV at the moment is called ‘Velone’. It is a beauty contenst / talent show for women over 65 years of age. When I first saw it, I was horrified, but then I sat down and watched it and it was one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen. Each night 5 or so women over the age of 65 would set out to prove that they had not lost their ‘groove’ by demonstrating their talent (usually singing or dancing) and then doing a compulsory strut to one of the latest dance tracks. It was probably the most bogan thing I have ever seen! I doubt it would be picked up by Australian TV, but can you imagine vintage bogans strutting their stuff and competing for who is Australia’s hottest grandmother!

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shhh, T-ra, keep this to yourself. There is nothing the networks wont do if there are $$$’s.

26 07 2010
Sten

More like great-great-grandmother these days, T-ra.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

sounds like Milf Island from 30 Rock

speaking of Milfs, here’s a gratioitous plug for my band

http://www.myspace.com/TheMilfs

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Brimstone,
Great web site,
If thats your band, any interest in a joint gig.?

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It wont come up for me but if you google The Milf’s you get lots of free porn. I am at work and had to hit the disconnect button very quickly.

26 07 2010
Brimstone

yeah i didn’t name the band… don’t usually go for that sort of humor
try: listn.to/TheMilfs

and James, that would be awesome

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool, will listen to when I get home punk poet.

26 07 2010
James Hunter

BrimstoneWe are just literally at the end of the F3 Metford2323 gerally I am available most any time and I have three girls to choose from so depending on the luck of the draw as to which and how many come down. Depends on what needs doing too.Make contact and I can tell you more.hanibal@chariot.com.au

26 07 2010
James Hunter

the more. slipped in there just delete.

26 07 2010
Sten

I don’t watch 30 Rock, Brimstone, but what you speak of sounds attrocious.

Might have to come along to one of your shows some time (especially if james and his merry gang of freaks is involved!), you guys certainly sound interesting.

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ JH, Brim and Sten

I AM SO THERE KIDS!! Please, please let me know if this happens!

pinkelstien@gmail.com

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Post up your Aussie tour dates please guys. Does anyone have an idea for a name for the tour?

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Hanibal eats the Milfs?

27 07 2010
James Hunter

Pinky,
Milfs?
Please one at a time. !

Mind you the first time I “ate a live mouse” live on stage at the Adelaide Fringe 2006 The audience from the venue which held ~220 people generated nearly 350 telephone calls to EVERYONE ! The Fringe Director, The Premiers office The RSPCA the Adelaide City Council The adelaide newspsper “The Advertizer” and the venue manager..
Couldnt convince anyone it was a magicians trick. !!

27 07 2010
Sten

This all smacks of a TBL meet ‘n greet under the guise of rock ‘n roll/freaks.

Not that there’s nothing to love about that, though!

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

@ Sten
:D

27 07 2010
Sten

I figured any such event would probably be deferred until the book launch/signing, but, eh, who am I to say?

27 07 2010
pb

ooh, do you think we should have a secret handshake for the book launch? or some identifying clothing item?

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Yes!!! OR secret code word.

27 07 2010
Brimstone

that’s the point… it’s a parody of reality shows

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Brim

Was that you on Q&A last night? The twitter posts?

26 07 2010
Tombarina

Brim, not as gratuitious a plug as anything on Masterchef.

Checked it out – very cool sound! I likey.

26 07 2010
Chest Pain

#159, where is #159, I can’t cope, its supposed to be right here after #158!

Hehe, when we get around to it, we’re going to backfill the Scrivener’s Fancy thing from last Wednesday with a shortened version of that piece. That’ll become #159. TBL

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Karma bus takes KoL for a ride.

ROCK band Kings of Leon abandoned a US concert after just three songs because pigeons kept pooing on their heads.
The musicians managed to struggle through the first part of their set despite being repeatedly splatted – but the final straw came when the bass player Jared Followill was hit near the mouth by one especially large dropping.

26 07 2010
vivisection

Foul Mouthed C#nt.

26 07 2010
vivisection

or is it Fowl Mouthed C#nt?

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Mmmmm, Pigeon pie.

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon, Not the whole foul fowl fouling fowley again ?

26 07 2010
pb

first thing i read about it (no article link, unfortunately, it was a copy/paste of the piece) suggested the poo got in his mouth.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We can only hope……

27 07 2010
Sten

Indeed, Simon. To quote the great John Cooper Clarke, “I can’t hear you, mate, yer mouth’s full o’ shit.”

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep,

The foul fowls fouled up a rather foul band of fowls. No one had a foal.

26 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Futile foal fondling may be most foul.
Hmmmmmmmmm Recalls joke about Grand par out the back stuffing the turkey.

26 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Um….

26 07 2010
Lachlan

Big cringe at the synchronised head turning

26 07 2010
miss dahl

OMG, all this fuss because the Bogan has discovered… er, Cooking. Of course, as we all know, there was no such thing as good cooking and fine cuisine before Masterchef, y’know…

26 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

perish the thought Miss D.

26 07 2010
martin

We had Peter Russell Clarke. He wasn’t a pretentious wanker so it didn’t appeal to the bogan. Now that these foodies and chefs are wankers the bogan has an easy way of upping his status in society by visiting restaurants.

Where’s the cheese!

Peter! G’Day. Russell! G’day. Clarke!

26 07 2010
SD

EmotionDrums is making it’s way to these shores – though I note that it’s thunderous clamour is still not quite as obvious for the BollywoodDrums on other ads. Pretty massive advertising is on for Season 2 of MC which starts soon- cravat man is upfront + it has mandatory visuals of happy Aussies bursting into kitchens.

26 07 2010
SD

duh

“though I note that it’s thunderous clamour is not quite as obvious as the BollywoodDrums on other ads.”

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Off Topic

TBL excellent comments on Twitter last night during Q&A. HAHAHA

27 07 2010
Sherilee from Mill Park

Stop attacking my fave shows, you geezers. If I want to dine at McDonalds or use my dezina kitchen to cook slow roasted white root vegetables drizzled with sea-salt infused butter and succulent roasted poultry glazed with pan juices, what’s it to you?

27 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

As long as it is done with the appropriate drum track in the background, I see no real issue with that.

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Do you have a time limit?

27 07 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Took me a few seconds to work out what “dezina” means. :? What’s it to you if we laugh at it?

27 07 2010
vivisection

Don’t lose sight of your Dreamz Sherilee, follow da starz!

27 07 2010
Benny Hill

Things Bogans Like – Comment sections.

Can’t believe you fuckers are still at it.

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can’t believe you are still a f*cker.

29 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

A thing bogans can’t understand – the flaws that are often inherent in deductive logic.

27 07 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

I’ll always be a fucker, fucker.

27 07 2010
Benny Hill

Who you callin’ a fucker, fucker?

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

This f*cker is calling you a f*cker, f*cker.

27 07 2010
vivisection

For F#cks sake, no need for a f#cken scene

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

F*ck, F*cken sorry for F*cks sake. F*ck.

27 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

But that F*cker called me a F*cker after I called him a F*cker for labelling us all F*ckers.

27 07 2010
Mick

At least nobody is a Caaarnt.

27 07 2010
Gazza

Well, to be fair, no was CALLED a caaarnt.

27 07 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Or for that matter, a Fu¢king ¢unt. The ultimate insult. Think, say, Kyle Sandilands, if there was a definition in a pictorial dictionary. Or David Guetta or Christian Audiger. Or Ben Fordham or Anna Coren. Insert the FC of choice as you see fit.

28 07 2010
chubbybloodfart

blessedly, this post makes absolutely no sense to me at all…
except the bit about scanpan.
we bought calphalon.
four years ago.
after watching Top Chef.

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