On the surface, much of the male bogan’s behaviour portrays a deep resentment of ‘intellectuals’, ‘elitists’, and successful people who are not celebrities or lottery winners. But this is merely a manifestation of what is arguably its greatest fear: being left out. Indeed, the bogan male aspires to a sophisticated life among high society, being in the know about get rich quick schemes, and dalliances with corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie models.
But, lacking the required self-discipline and rigour to achieve genuine success, it resorts to trying to convince itself that it is a part of elite society by ‘suiting up’ once in a while for a major event such as the Melbourne Cup, a wedding or its little sister’s deb ball. This also allows the bogan the opportunity to do two things it likes very much: pretend it is a celebrity at a red carpet event; and use the phrase ‘suit up’.
Men’s formal wear is traditionally worn in a conservative, understated fashion, seeking to subtly connote traits such as respect, confidence and power. But that stuff is for poofs. The bogan is not conservative or understated, and seeks to convey an image of maxtreme human billboard branding at all times. As Armani is yet to produce a suit conspicuously splashed with logos and bogan slogans, the bogan male has had to find other ways to signpost its alpha-consumer status when suiting up.
The bogan believes that it must wear the most conspicuous version of what everyone else is wearing. If everyone is wearing Ray Bans, it must have fluorescent yellow Ray Bans, if everyone has Dunlop Volleys, it must have Australian flag-decorated Volleys with fluorescent yellow laces. This has led to the bogan remixing its formal attire into an eye-jarringly garish combination of garments consisting of: black suit, black shirt, white “crocodile skin” shoes, shiny silver tie, topped off by an enormous pair of European designer sunglasses. Of course, the occasional bogan is a cunning creature, and the possibilities are nearly limitless, including brightly coloured suits, suits with numbers on them, or suits that appear paint-splashed. The end result is an awkwardly clad creature that looks somewhere between a confused penguin and an ill-assembled piano.
At the conclusion of a night’s formal festivities, the piano-penguin bogan male has lured a shiny orange female bogan, shoes in hand, back to its lair. He is horrified when she asks him to suit up.