Shane sits on his couch, getting ready to hit play on A Beautiful Behind, when Kelly comes in, a look of joy on her weathered face. Awkwardly hiding Anal Bandits 6 and American Booty under a cushion, his eyes fix on the object his wife is holding triumphantly: a crisp new copy of Breaking Dawn. Looking past her bemused husband to where her other three Twilight novels lay stacked on the table, Kelly makes a decision. Along with that Da Vinci book written by Tom Hanks, the Idiot’s Guide to Property Investing and the Masterchef Cookbook, the couple now have a library and will need an appropriate receptacle in which to display their possessions. Remembering something her friend Kylee told her at the beauty salon the night before, she tells Shane to head down to that new IKEA in Rhodes and buy a bookcase. Still dreaming of buxom pre-teens, Shane happily acquiesces, hoping she might repay his chivalry by letting him take her in the derrière when he gets home…
Bogans love IKEA. The stores are HUGE, cavernous warehouses big enough to have their own postcode, complete with restaurants and childcare centres. Dispensing with their children, the bogan can wrap its chops around a nutritious meal of Swedish meatballs, and browse from over 12,000 products, ranging from furniture, kitchenware and home ware, to weird storage contraptions that only appear to have a functional purpose within the context of an IKEA store display. Stores have a “one way layout,” with a system of arrows helpfully leading the bogan “the long natural way” past all 12,000 products.
All of the products have exotic Swedish names like Malmo, Gutvik, Bernard and Fanning, reminding the Bogan of singing ABBA songs on karaoke and Mamma Mia the musical, whilst conveying an image of Nordic purity and quality workmanship, despite being made of Otway-sourced chipboard and packed in a factory in Nanjing.
Best of all, IKEA appeals to the Bogan’s relentless DIY instincts. Most of IKEA’s furniture comes unassembled in ‘flat boxes’ of particle board and mysterious Scandinavian screw bolts (invariably one short). This allows IKEA to cut shipping costs and fatten their profit margins, while the bogan enjoys the experience of vainly wielding an Allen Key for a few hours before doing its back in and paying an IKEA technician to assemble it for $80.
…3 hours later, Shane emerges from the labyrinthine store, disoriented and with two servings of meatballs in his belly, his trolley towering with flat boxes. Along with a Bjorn bookcase, he has a Björk wall unit, a coffee table, a dog bowl, an egg whisk, 2 woks, a bath towel, 3 jars of lingonberry preserve and a Swedish herring. Looking forward to his homecoming, he thinks he’ll ask Kelly to pretend she’s a Swedish backpacker before taking a rumpus romp in her rumpa.