#125 – IKEA

13 04 2010

Shane sits on his couch, getting ready to hit play on A Beautiful Behind, when Kelly comes in, a look of joy on her weathered face. Awkwardly hiding Anal Bandits 6 and American Booty under a cushion, his eyes fix on the object his wife is holding triumphantly: a crisp new copy of Breaking Dawn. Looking past her bemused husband to where her other three Twilight novels lay stacked on the table, Kelly makes a decision. Along with that Da Vinci book written by Tom Hanks, the Idiot’s Guide to Property Investing and the Masterchef Cookbook, the couple now have a library and will need an appropriate receptacle in which to display their possessions. Remembering something her friend Kylee told her at the beauty salon the night before, she tells Shane to head down to that new IKEA in Rhodes and buy a bookcase. Still dreaming of buxom pre-teens, Shane happily acquiesces, hoping she might repay his chivalry by letting him take her in the derrière when he gets home…

Bogans love IKEA. The stores are HUGE, cavernous warehouses big enough to have their own postcode, complete with restaurants and childcare centres. Dispensing with their children, the bogan can wrap its chops around a nutritious meal of Swedish meatballs, and browse from over 12,000 products, ranging from furniture, kitchenware and home ware, to weird storage contraptions that only appear to have a functional purpose within the context of an IKEA store display. Stores have a “one way layout,” with a system of arrows helpfully leading the bogan “the long natural way” past all 12,000 products.

All of the products have exotic Swedish names like Malmo, Gutvik, Bernard and Fanning, reminding the Bogan of singing ABBA songs on karaoke and Mamma Mia the musical, whilst conveying an image of Nordic purity and quality workmanship, despite being made of Otway-sourced chipboard and packed in a factory in Nanjing.

Best of all, IKEA appeals to the Bogan’s relentless DIY instincts. Most of IKEA’s furniture comes unassembled in ‘flat boxes’ of particle board and mysterious Scandinavian screw bolts (invariably one short). This allows IKEA to cut shipping costs and fatten their profit margins, while the bogan enjoys the experience of vainly wielding an Allen Key for a few hours before doing its back in and paying an IKEA technician to assemble it for $80.

…3 hours later, Shane emerges from the labyrinthine store, disoriented and with two servings of meatballs in his belly, his trolley towering with flat boxes. Along with a Bjorn bookcase, he has a Björk wall unit, a coffee table, a dog bowl, an egg whisk, 2 woks, a bath towel, 3 jars of lingonberry preserve and a Swedish herring. Looking forward to his homecoming, he thinks he’ll ask Kelly to pretend she’s a Swedish backpacker before taking a rumpus romp in her rumpa.


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344 responses

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Um… so it’s a furniture store? Do they sell antiques?

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Bogan antiques. That is, last seasons furniture at a discounted price.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. So it’s like last year’s designer drug to them too?

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Precisely. My my Fiona. How much you have learnt!

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I really feel my education is becoming just a little more rounded now that I’m interacting with you lesser people more and more. And, if I say so myself, quite naturally too.

13 04 2010
loftie

This place will teach you so much more than your Higher degree in the Classics…

And prepare you for the crazy bogan world out there (outside of Toorak of course)…

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I employ a large staff to ensure I DON’T have to interact with anyone outside of Toorak, thank you very much. Well, except here. You’re all my dirty little secret.

13 04 2010
brad

Do you reside on Irving St Fiona, i was there yesterday just down the road from Lindsey’s shack.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I do not, but if I did, I wouldn’t say anyway.

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

dale?

13 04 2010
brad

ok so i can eliminate Irving St from the list.How about Mailing St?(this information is not for me,but someone else.)

13 04 2010
Murray

Do you ever say anything but LOL?

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Just ask loftie. He’s usually in the trees outside her manor.

20 05 2010
TheMon

So you must be one of those old over botoxed ‘nightmare on Toorak Rd’ kind of ladies eh?

13 04 2010
fanclub

you’re the biggest bogan on the site fiona… stop pretending to be obtuse

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think you’re after “Fiona of Balwyn”.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

I resent that accusation!

I may not have a degree in Classics but I’m not swanning around Fountain Gate just yet..!

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. HIGHER degree in the Classics, thank you very much. And as for Fountain Gate… “yet” was most apt.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

Being bogan seems a lot easier than being middle class right now!

13 04 2010
Shirley M

The two are not mutually exclusive.

13 04 2010
Robbie

Is FOT middle class???
I would think that kind of accusation would be most offensive to her :P

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I’d suggest they’re synonymous.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

Indeed they’re not but I don’t think many bogans could be called middle class – most seem to reside either side!

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

picture with box or so much bullshit. fiona can’t prove she has a degree, nor can she explain what a ‘higher’ degree is. although the internet access she enjoys from her local centrelink office is second to none.

13 04 2010
Bogue

Eating too much?

13 04 2010
brad

More likely FOT is the teenage daughter off wealthy Chinese/Malaysian couple.

13 04 2010
brad

sorry i meant FOB

13 04 2010
Nelson Esq

We’ve got an IKEA bookcase in our study which my wife bought back in the early 1990’s when she first moved to Melbourne. By your bogan definition Shirley, would this make it an antique to the exxxtreme?

I should go down to the antique shops on High St, Armadale and get it valued! Sounds like it might be worth something!

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Shit yeah, Nelson. It’s probably only a matter of time before Boguetique Roadshow hits our television screens, so you can take it along to find out it’s value – not because you’d ever sell it… for insurance, of course.

13 04 2010
Nelson Esq

Boguetique Roadshow…love it!! ‘Antique’ bookcases from IKEA, vintage couches (with pull out sofa-bed) from Ken Bruce, prints of dogs playing poker / Elvis Presley / Marilyn Monroe in black metal pictureframes, all the cricket memorabilia crap that Channel Nein flogs off every year during the Test Match telecasts, ‘signed’ pictures of Bruce Lee and other celebrities / sports heroes bought from those ‘Stars & Legends’ stores in all major Westfield Shpping centres, Pandora bracelets…they’ll all be appraised by Boguetique Roadshow!

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

You musn’t forget those 3D-like framed thingies of pop icons like Freddie Mercury, KISS and Piddly Diddly or whatever his name is. The ones where the subject stands in relief of the background like a cameo. I nearly embarrassed myself in a bodily function kind of way when I saw the proliferation of those at the Queen Vic market.

13 04 2010
Mezz

Piddly Diddly – Love it!!

Frankly I thing the term “P-Diddy” should only ever be used by parents for toilet training purposes. There is no other legitimate reason for thwe use of such a term..

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Stolen bar mats from the early ’90s…

Fantastic concept, if I do say so myself.

14 05 2011
jonj

so what? are we supposed to throw out our furniture and replace it every season now?

13 04 2010
James Hunter

No Fi they are waitingfor you to visit !!

13 04 2010
nico

ikea is the best place to watch bogan couples scream at each other over flat-packed furniture.
that place is like a modern version of dante’s hell.

13 04 2010
Bogue

Surely the loading bay is the perfect location for a bit of road-rage as well, MaXXeene screaming at Brent from between two trolleys, telling him to ‘punch that faggut’ that just backed their Magna into the family Conformadore.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Bernard and Fanning. hehehe.

Nice segue from anal to Ikea!

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

let us never speak of yesterday’s unpleasantness again.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Personally, I was disappointed that the comments weren’t more maxXxtreme.

16 04 2010
James

I’ve been away for several days, and I must concur Shirley. Very disappointed indeed.

16 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Your absence was noted James. In the positive sense.

16 04 2010
James

In that you had no one of superior education to guide you all in the right direction.

16 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well, if you say so. So far as your skills in “anal” go, I bow (but not bend (over)) to your expertise.

16 04 2010
James

Hey – I’m an academic. I don’t have to know how to do something better to be disappointed in the efforts of others. Its my job.

16 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I look forward to your next peer reviewed critique of “Ass Blasters 5: Black in the Saddle” then.

13 04 2010
Mick

I concur. I am trying to drag myself away from my bogan upbringing and improve myself. Every day I see something mentioned on here that I don’t understand so I google it to get a better grasp on the issues that face the world.

Yesterday opened some doors that should have been nailed shut.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Some back doors, it would seem.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Don’t be a stick in the mud.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

By the sounds of it, I doubt that he will be.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby, be fair it would appear that some more then enjoyed yesterday.snigger snigger.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

I wonder how many curious readers have woken this morning with sore bums and regret?

13 04 2010
Jo

I did note that there was a distinct lack of comments and discussion on yesterdays post, it must have scared some of the more reserved readers off

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Kernel of truth there, but mainly I think it was simply not safe for work.

I found it off colour and too depressing at the time ton contribute (esp the donkey punch(!) and chatter about the younguns). I’m trying to laugh at it now…

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Yes, that it was! But why are there no links? Will TBL add those later?

13 04 2010
Shirley M

When I think about it, anal and ikea really do have quite a lot in common.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Beautiful.
I have no experience with Ikea, beyond a stroll thru the labyrinth on a few occasions. I seem to find myself in one once every couple of years. I somehow find the experience soothing and calming. somehow altogether pleasant. very odd. a bit like being in a japenese garden..
never felt he urge to part with any cash though,
and I wouldn’t eat the food for a f*cking bet!

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

I have to admit defeat.
I still love Ikea but it is permeated with bogans every time I go.

I wonder if any bogans out there have named their children after the furniture?

Malm and Garggg, anyone?

13 04 2010
Julia

Nah, too foreign, woggy and poofy. And not phonetic enough, either. Bogue-spawn shall always be called Tiarnee, Skylah or Holden. Fact.

13 04 2010
Bogue

Spotted this travesty yesterday: Krysteene.

I’m not joking. It actually made me angry.

13 04 2010
Kat

Hmmm. Do you think that is meant to be Christine or Kirsten. LOL

13 04 2010
Sten

Or Kerosene?

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Sten
Instead of an avatar she would have “Avtur”
Maybe a nick name of JP1 ?

14 04 2010
Julia

scheisse. i thought it was impossible for the classic Krystal to mutate anymore.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Ditto – I like Ikea, but not the stores.

We’ve bought a number of items of Ikea furniture in our time. Why? Because it is cheap, cheerful furniture. When you need a set of draws to chuck stuff in (and you are terminally daggy like we are, and the function is more important than the form) it’s good stuff. Happily all but one item was purchased online, so we were spared the pain of actually turning up, which negates any benefits IMO.

I’ve only been to Ikea once – in Milton Keynes in the UK. The place was massive. It was, an experience. We were amazed and really quite impressed by the way they did business. The checkouts were making constant happy sounds, and a lot of money was being made.

We vowed never to go there again.

On a perhaps naïve note – I’m quite pleased about the flatpack side of things. It’s efficient not only from their financial view, also flat pack can bring reductions in terms of the energy used in making and shipping these items. No bad thing.

13 04 2010
djm

Yeah, I don’t agree with the hating on Ikea. It produces cheap, functional and reasonably well made* furniture which is sometimes exactly what one needs. The bogan ratio is no worse than any department store at the one I have been to, and certainly not as bad as that bogue temple Harvey Norman.

* if one is capable of following simple pictorial instructions

13 04 2010
Sten

Agreed. I required a couple of full-height bookcases to house my rapidly expanding collection of books (I hesitate to call it a library until it takes up a whole wall in a large room). I found IKEA easy to deal with and light on the wallet. Plus I had the bookcases up an half an hour after getting them home.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Recommendation – Our last two bookcases came from Go-Lo ;-) Less hassle, if they have them in.

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

the cast iron skillets($15) are actually as good as one i was given by a friend of mine who is a chef, cost him about $150.
And the teflon whisks are the shit.

13 04 2010
Jo

or take a leaf out of the interior design book written by the occupants of the “20 something dole bludger” house that I live in and collect a whole bunch of milk cartons and tie them together with rope

13 04 2010
euro goth bogue

do u really mean cartons or crates?

don’t know about cartons for furniture but milk crates are awesome.my wardrobe is made up of crates.they r also great as a futon base or legs for a desk

13 04 2010
Jo

ha! yes I did mean crates, well spotted (none of the Typo-Nazi’s found it)

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I did but I knew what you meant :)

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Just because bogans like it, doesn’t mean you have to hate it.

If you can handle shopping alongside bogan families as you wonder around the maze through the tiny foam couches and weird hanging ceiling things and not be annoyed by the little screaming trip hazards, you’re welcome to it.

Could you pick me up some round plastic containers (the 5 pack), tea light candles and ice cube trays next time you’re they’re please? I can’t stand the place (but like these things!).

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

isn’t it strange and wonderful that little bogan kids’ heads are about knee height?…..

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Terrible!

Maybe THAT’s where they got their ADHD?!

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

or double concussion. its best if they don’t look where they’re going, that way you can put your hips into it and they don’t brace for impact. mwahahahaha!!!!!!!!111

13 04 2010
pulang

I guess it’s cheap by Australian standards.
But after living overseas and purchasing a brand new beautiful leather three-seater couch for only 30,000 Japanese Yen (A$350), I seriously regretted not shipping my furniture back when I encountered prices here. Similar design leather couch A$3000!!! Sooo, feeling poor in Oz, it was off to Ikea to buy a shitty couch that requires me to put a cover on (difficult), plus get stuck in a labrynthe of bogans. I hate Ikea.

13 04 2010
caracal1788

Agreed, I think anyone who’s actually BEEEN to Ikea (rather than just discussed it over a latte) knows that the bogan element is far less than Hardly Normal or Freedom. Why? No prestige, no obvious brand names.

Admittedly, their furniture is not well-made, but I go for their gadgets, kitchenware, glassware, and office supplies which are excellent value.

It’s always a rather boring mistake to assume cheap = bogan, and if one reads between the lines of the articles here, the true bogan is more concerned about the status of their brands rather than what they like. Therefore, I love IKEA.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I am impressed by the passion with which fans are willing to defend Ikea.
I remain indifferent. also
Harvey Norman has been covered extensively in another post,
and
No one contends that “because you like this you are a bogan.”
if one reads between the lines of the articles here.
It’s always a rather boring mistake
if one …is more concerned …with what they like… Therefore.

17 04 2010
caracal1788

Wow, does that define passion in your world?

“Admittedly, there’s no expertise, but, hey, it’s a cheap date”.

I require a bit more enthusiasm before it’s counted as passion.

But if you tell me you constructed that post while you were completely chemically altered (other than by Bundy and Coke), I’d understand.

17 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

ok.

enthusiasm then.

No one contends that “because you like this you are a bogan.”

of course I’m off my face.
derr

18 04 2010
caracal1788

Ah, I thought I’d written something last night… Glad to see I can still spell when everything else is anaesthetised.

13 04 2010
Robbie

you really should keep that to yourself…..

13 04 2010
Tombarina

I have grave reservations the accuracy of today’s topic.

In the interests of laziness, and being utterly self-referential, I point to a particularly well-written post on the “Doing One’s Back In” page which reads:

“…it’s the person who wants something functional and who couldn’t give a rat’s about brand names, and your ‘Aussie battler’, rather than the NAB who worships at Ikea.

CUBs/NABs don’t DO flat-pack – with only an Allan key to work with, it’s insufficiently maXXXtreme. The bogan cannot manfully claim to have “done me back” building the Schnaaaargenthrop footstool.

Ikea also specialises in storage. The CUB doesn’t do storage – it would rather convert part of the 4-Hummer garage into a “study”, and then throw $hit into a cupboard in the corner. Either that, or dump it on the footpath.

Two quick thumbs-up to Ikea – the product names are pi$$-funny to say and even more amusing to use at home (“Dear, please pass the Ekkschnorp.” “Certainly, my sweet – I’ll swap it for the Graatenschnaaargle.”) And it’s a brilliant threat to hold over kids. “Once more, and we’re off to Ikea. ALL DAY.””

While the bogan may indeed be SEEN at Ikea, travelling in groups like a migratory gnu herd, I maintain it very rarely buys there. Insufficiently overpriced, you see. It VISITS Ikea and stuff its maw there, then pops next door to Freedom or Domayne where it pays 5 or 6 times as much for an identical item, which then still requires self-assembly at the bogan’s lair.

This then justifies loud whinging about paying “$4000 and you still have to build the $*@%in’ thing yaself. #*%&in’ Swedish @*%ts”. This plaintive whine carries less water when the item in question cost only $38. From Ikea.

13 04 2010
Tombarina

*stuffs*

13 04 2010
Tombarina

…and “#*%&in’ THIEVIN’ @*%nts”.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

I’m quite impressed your brand of bogan even realises Ikea is Swedish.

I would have imagined that despite the Swedish flags printed subtlety and use of the national colours in the logo the bogan would still have no clue and just refer to them at “them foreign fackin caaaaants”

13 04 2010
Tombarina

Quite right. And a typo – should have been “thievin”. Hence belated correction.

Although I did once overhear a harried-looking woman muttering: “Ikea: effin’ Swedish for ‘out of stock'”, which I found tres amusing.

13 04 2010
brad

They dont mind if it’s foreign,”cause those SwissBackpackers are hot”

13 04 2010
James Hunter

FOB,
Swedish maybe but as the article says The stuff is made in China or some times India and the realy good bits ,rumour has it from Malaysia.

13 04 2010
Andrew

just like how Ron “won” Casey thought Nokia was Japanese :-)

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

whilst I might take you to task on some of the details, I am slightly disposed to agree Tommo.
I was musing on the bogan predilection for brands, and wondering if Ikea would satisfy. Also, it has been noted earlier that the Bogue is much enamoured of it’s three way tryst with Mr Norman and the General Electric corporation…
I suspect seriously aspirational bogues are cruising the likes of Jimmy Possum (now in adelaide!) something with a little cachét perhaps? For the major puchases at least. That does leave Ikea to fill in the gaps perhaps.
..and I defy anyone to resist a Praaük vege peeler/lemon zester for only $6.99

13 04 2010
caracal1788

The bogans won’t touch it. Since this is topical for me, tonight’s buys –

6 wine glasses at $7.49 x 2 – as the caterers will provide the chef and the service staff for tomorrow night’s dinner party but not the crockery and glasses – red wine fine, we’re short on white wine glasses.
2 glass water bottles for the guests who like their water non-fizzy and non-alcholic (I don’t get it, but I’ll provide it…) $3.49
2 chopping boards for work ’cause I’m sick of washing the monster 3′ x 3′ one that’s there – $4.49
6 wooden hangers for my winter coats $6.99.

If that’s bogan, then I’d better find an Ed Hardy store.

13 04 2010
Will S

Speaking of throwing shit on the footpath, Rubbish Collection Day and the shenanigans it generates (at least around here) would make a worthy entry… although it’s more old-school bogan really

13 04 2010
vivisection

As they say, the only difference between hard rubbish and a garage sale is a front fence.

13 04 2010
Nelson Esq

I put a 25 yr old broken down dishwasher on the naturestrip on for the hard rubbish collection and it took less that 10 minutes for some ‘Steptoe and Son’ to come along in their beat up ute and take it away.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Newtown (Sydney) was fabulous for this.

We left a bunch of old Uni textbooks out the front once, and they disappeared almost instantaneously.

13 04 2010
SD

Agree Tombarina.

I know they have a helpful primer but this site is often confusing. I assume it’s not directed at the “honest working classes” (if they exist in the retail economy) but more at what we call the nouveau riche.

Personally I loathe Ikea. But techies love it. Ikea always seemed to be for students and the recently marrieds, really any one looking for something affordable and a bit decent. Harvey Norman seems more bogan cos its hideously opulent.

IKEA seems more kind of “safe, middle class, in the burbs” to me. They are the ones who love DIY too.

17 04 2010
caracal1788

And of course, the REAL techies LOVE Ikea Hacker: http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

13 04 2010
Mephistopheles

Been to Ikea once. ‘Twas a ghastly experience and I’ll not be returning.

The thing about the bogan is that it actually seems to enjoy shopping in large, mostly anonymous places. The bogan loves Westfield shopping centres just as much as (if not more than) Ikea because of the generic, homogenised stores, labyrinthine layouts that encourage impulse visits to previously unseen shops and, most of all, lots and lots of parking. The bogan does not regard anything as worthwhile unless it has to drive there. Then again, in the various bogopoli of our major cities, getting anywhere requires a car trip.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

aaah homogeneity.
you may have hit the nail on the head there…

feel my world view shifting.

13 04 2010
Tombarina

Chub, Meph has an excellent point re homogeneity.

But the point is: Ikea is non-cachet homogeneity. The bogue likes to talk $, and there’s no bogue-stige in having paid a low-to-fair price for no-name items of semi-reasonable quality.

Also, Ikea doesn’t do 36-months-interest-free. This oversight robs the bogue of the opportunity to overpay, three years down the track, for an outdoor setting which is now weathered and threatening to run a splinter into little Trynnyttii’s over-upholstered and be-hotpanted bottom.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
“homogenity”
You said you were over yesterday !

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Thank christ there are no Ikeas anywhere near Sibyldottirsfolkendorpville. This hideous-sounding phenomenon has yet to invade my little corner of the globe.

13 04 2010
Peter

I have 48 free pencil stubbs, and that was from one visit!

13 04 2010
loftie

If you take (ie:steal) enough of them – you might be able to make a nice coffee table… ?

13 04 2010
Mezz

Would probably be easier to assemble too..

13 04 2010
euro goth bogue

in high school in germany that was the hit.everybody had ikea pencils.i mostly went there just to grab the pencils without even entering the store.

but the furniture is of such a low quality i refuse to pay a cent for it.it already breaks when trying to assemble it. the only good thing about ikea are the gimmicks they have for kitchens and stuff that u dont need except for collecting dust

13 04 2010
Tubesteak

“buxom preteens”??????

Despite the rarity of finding a 12 year old buxom girl this would fall into child porn. Naughty

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Blame Shaaaaayne, the dirty bastard.

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

I do actually know someone called Shayne, I used to live with him and I can testify he was the most boring man in Australia.

It didn’t help that he had a nasally ocker twang that made me want to commit genocide.

13 04 2010
Tubesteak

Shaaaaaaaaayne wouldn’t be into preteen or teen porn.

Shaaaaaaaaaayne’s taste are a little more generic. Think Jenna Jameson and the type of silicone fuelled Ralph mag chicks.

13 04 2010
Peter

I am guilty of visiting an EXTREMEly cavernous branch of Ikea on the outskirts of London. The ‘one way layout’ confounded me. I thought to myself *how stupid do the apparatchiks deciding such things [as the layout] think those who use it are?* – Or, as an afterthought: *how stupid are the apparatchiks?*

Almost 4 years later I still have no answer to either…

13 04 2010
Brimstone
13 04 2010
djm

brilliant

13 04 2010
Fiona of Balwyn

Probably the one in dear Croydon I imagine. Chav heaven!

13 04 2010
Tombarina

It’s a Christmas miracle that you emerged WITHIN four years.
A friend swears blind he was trapped in an Ikea for two whole years. He gets teary talking about it…..

13 04 2010
Shirley M

I’ve only been to Ikea once, when I was a student, to purchase a lamp I had seen in the tome that Ikea call a catalogue. Of course, the lamps can only be found at the very end of the expedition and long before I made it that far I went into a claustrophobic style panic. I couldn’t believe how long it took me to locate the exit. After exiting I realised I hadn’t bought the lamp that I had travelled all the way to bogan Logan to purchase. This was a small price to pay for my freedom.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Hohohohohoho
I had a similar experience in IKEA.
I had to purchase a desk for a client and I thought it would be that easy. In and out no worries.
Oh, how wrong I was
So, I’m up in the study area and I see the desk and tell a staff member that I’ll take that one. He then hands me a little book and one of those dinky IKEA pencils and says that I have to mark the codes in the book and then find them in flat pack area, or whatever. My next challenge was to find this damn flat pack area. I swear every path took me to the eatery.
Genuinely frustrated now I cruise the aisles of the flat pack area to find my black Smiilvaaaaärd and the Dorfslürvagen.
As I race to the checkout with sweat pouring and both my mouth and eyes had completely dried out. I see the carpark. I start running out the doors to find that I am being held captive for some reason. I can see my car, but I can’t get to it. I actually rammed a pole with my trolley thinking that it would collapse and I would be free.
But no. Not free.
I asked a sweet little old lady to watch my stuff and went to collect the car. As I back into the tight spot I had found another sweet old lady appears out of nowhere to tell me that I’ve taken her spot.
Out I go again, and finally the jobs right.
I had estimated that I had been in there for 3hours getting this f*cking desk.
I can happily say that I have never been back and I curse it when I drive past.

13 04 2010
brad

my partner and i had a similar experience once at the then new Ikea in Abbotsford.,i kept the pencil as a reminder never too go back.However revenge was too be ours when just last Christmas we dared too enter this unenchanted Nordic Wood(wifes idea not mine).I soon realised though i had a lethal weapon in the form of a jumped up 2 and 4 year old,fresh from a visit too Shopping Mall Santa and armed with a bag full of half eaten chocolate they soon made short work off the frenzied staff as they proceeded too “inspect” bedding displays,couches and anything else soft and bouncy.One instance where bogan behaviour was justified.

13 04 2010
pulang

letting your kids run amok and other bogan behaviour is never jusitified.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

lol
“you don’t wan’ meatballs wit yur dœshkë?”

13 04 2010
brad

You gotta get in and out quickly-Stockholm Syndrome and all that

13 04 2010
Anonymous

People can bitch as much as they want about the linear start-to-finish layout but the truth is that Ikea makes a killing off people who end up buying things they are forced to walk past that they wouldn’t have in a non-linear supermarket style format.

Ikea laughs in the face at people who want a logical shopping experience.

13 04 2010
Peter

Hey, Peter, (the Ikea pencil thief)

Could you not have used a slight variation on my name? I offer Peter 1 or Peter The Thief as suggestions.

13 04 2010
Pete

Don’t drop the r, as that’s also taken…

13 04 2010
Jo

you could change it to have eXXXXtreme spelling like Poiter, or Peater or Peta (coz your heaps into animal rights ‘n shit)

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Jo,Thats why I use my real name, not having any reason to be ashamed of it nor expecting to engender rage sufficient to have blogers track me down for revenge(cept maybe common man)

13 04 2010
Jo

Strangely enough I have the most common, uni-sex name on here and have never had to compete over my ownership of it with anyone else, that is odd, but satisfying.
I highly doubt anyone here could be bothered going to the effort to track someone down, seeing as we are all obviously avoiding whatever jobs we should be doing and are being paid to do.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I used a hobbit name generator.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

There’s an idea. Perhaps Pete should SMS one of those “Baby Name” services?

13 04 2010
Jo

Don’t joke about the hobbit name generator CBF, that’s very serious business that hobbit name generating business

13 04 2010
Whistling Nixie

“Animal rights” meaning the right to own a rottweiler-pit bull cross, or something similar, of course!

13 04 2010
amr

It’s no worse than having to brave Bunnings on a long weekend.

13 04 2010
Sten

Bummings… yes, now that IS bad.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Bummings, sounds like it should have been on yesterday!
They have it even more fucked. cause they have a sparse sprinkling of “experts” who give out bad advice or if your lucky bad,dangerous advice. that way the bagan gets home and with loads of powertools instead of just an allen key causes self harm sufficient to ensue an eight hour waite in casualty.

13 04 2010
Sten

Yes, I was wondering how long it would be before someone twigged to my creative spelling.

13 04 2010
Brimstone

I thought IKEA was for yuppies
do you call them yuppies here?
it’s not a bad store

13 04 2010
common man

yuppies=hipster,s=most here

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Hey! I resent that. I’m a wanker*, not a hipster!

* In the figurative, not literal sense.

13 04 2010
Robbie

Come now Benjamin…I’m sure you are in the literal sense as well – as are all guys :P

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

and girls. We just don’t apply that term.

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

i can has pitchers?

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Amazingly I’m not. Well, not for the last decade at least.

I’m married; there is now simply no need.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

I find this hard to believe.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I guess if anyone’s watching porn in their house, they’re watching it together??

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Or rather, if Benjamin is watching porn, he is watching it with his spouse. Who can say what the spouse gets up to?

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Au contraire!

I find it hard to believe that there are those who would rather fly solo than enjoy their significant other, when they have the choice.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Of course.It’s just that most (sorry, all) men I know like to have their cake and eat it too.

13 04 2010
Jo

I think you’ll be re-introducing yourself to yourself in the not-to-distant future if your marriage plays out the way most marriages do…actually its surprising your still married after a decade

13 04 2010
Pete

Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner you’d better have a good hand…

13 04 2010
Benjamin

I’d like to think that we’re going to do a bit better than that.

Having said that I’ve also been of the opinion that divorces are rampant and on the rise, and that a lot of people who were getting married ought not have been. So I’ve done some very quick research, and popped up this (2007):

http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/mf/3307.0.55.001

Looks like the divorce rate is *falling* (!?!?!). Most marriages don’t end in divorce either it seems. Surprised me…

Anyhow the wife and I are not doing too badly. We’ve been together long enough to have been through a number of hard times, and we’re still kicking. So I have a lot of hope for the future of our marriage.

I hope others are so fortunate.

13 04 2010
brad

my wife and i have lots of hallway sex.

13 04 2010
Simon

Back hall or front hall?

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Is this with your massive tool Brad?
:D

13 04 2010
brad

the one that leads too the bush by the porch(surely you know of the hallway sex joke Simon?)

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Or are you referring to the old adage ‘like a throwing a sausage up a hallway’?

13 04 2010
brad

no just the pipsqueak one- save the massive one for special jobs!

13 04 2010
Simon

No Brad, I just thought you were boasting.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

It looks like glassings are out and anal is in. Nice.

13 04 2010
brad

No Shirley M, the joke is….”A couple have sex in their house in different parts of the house as their relationship develops over time.
Before Marriage-every room in the house.
After Marriage-in the bedroom.
A few years after Marriage-in the hallway
“fuck-off”
“fuck-off”
as said couple pass each other in the hallway”

13 04 2010
Simon

We have to keep up with the times Brad.

13 04 2010
brad

sorry simon didnt realise its that time of month for you ,you have been bitchy the last few days

13 04 2010
Simon

Sorry dude, sometimes I have a strange sense of humor, all good and ready to glass c*nts when you are.

13 04 2010
brad

shall we then ha ha

13 04 2010
Simon

Who do you suggest today?

13 04 2010
brad

scroll downward

13 04 2010
Simon

Ok, I will buy a slab and meet you out the front.

13 04 2010
Mezz

You must be the one in four mate… A mate once told me that he looked up some stats and they indicaated that 3 of every 4 marriages will end in divorce in the western world. Globally, the stats are skewed by nations whho have much more traditional values regarding divorce. The analogy I responded with was pretty simple. If 3 of every 4 parachutes failed to open, would people still go skydiving?

13 04 2010
brad

woodstock stubbies i hope-theres gonna be alot of glass flyin and a lot of c#@nts lyin

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Hear hear Benjamin.

I am a fortunate one.
My husband and I are very happy and I have a lot of hope for our future also.

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

if things go to hell, try hitting her.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Congrats Edna!

13 04 2010
common man

whatever you maybe..the bait was most..you answer..explains all

13 04 2010
Shirley M

The bait was moist?

13 04 2010
Mezz

Quick – get the cryptologist!

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

ط ل٭ ٷ ڜ ڬ ڴ ڼ ۀ ۼ
ﺊ ﺲ ﻫ
I thought that was obvious…

13 04 2010
Jo

even changing “most” to “moist doesn’t force that to make sense

13 04 2010
Shirley M

The apostrophe can be located two keys to the right of ‘L’ on your keyboard.

Don’t thank me, I’m here to help.

13 04 2010
Sten

I was going to say something to that effect last night, Shirley, but I doubt it would’ve done much good. He’d also have to learn the function and appropriate use of the apostrophe.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Baby steps, Sten.

13 04 2010
Mezz

I think it adds to his mystique hahahahahaha

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I suspect perhaps that the people who don’t use apostrophes etc haven’t found the Shift key…

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

well, not for an apostrophe – bad example! haha ””’

14 04 2010
Brimstone

nope… i know lots of hipsters, but not yuppies
yuppies are more preppie styles

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

freedom is for yuppies.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Nice one TBL.
This entry really did make me laugh when I read it.

For some strange reason I really want a Björk wall unit now.

13 04 2010
amr

At least the designs are a lot better than what Hardly Normal sells with 360 months interest free

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna,
watch out common man might stalk you and Bjork you

13 04 2010
Mezz

I recall a gaff by Ikea marketing a few yrs ago where they had a picture of a furnished bedroom and some people and a dog simulating a natural home environment. Obviously the photgraphy crew thought it would be amusing if they placed a rather dildo next to the genetalia of this Jack Russell Terrier. The best bit is that over 300 Million of these catalogues were printed and distributed worldwide before Ikea realised what happened.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Hadn’t heard of this, but, good lord!

http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2006/08/new_ikea_catalo.html

13 04 2010
Jo

what kind of photography company would do that?? I love it when people don’t take their jobs seriously and couldn’t care less if they never work in >insert industry here< again

13 04 2010
Mezz

As you’ll see from the link in Benjamins above post – It was actually the inside front cover of the catalogue, was distributed globally and the strongly deny that the image was photoshopped stating that it is in fact a dogs leg.. Damage control no doubt but someone got up to some kind of mischief here with outrageous results.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

It’s definitely just the leg.

The highlights in the image have been blown out a bit, but you can just make out the shape if you zoom in. The knob is the knee.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

looks like a dog’s leg to me. Weirdos.

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Looks like a penis to me. A brilliant piece of accidental porn. Like this:

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

From here it looks like a dog’s leg. Far more offputting, to me at least, is that the picture includes bare human feet. Totally disgusting and an instant guarantee that they’d never get my dollar.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Haha, Sibyl, feet aren’t that bad, surely?

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Feet are foul, Alyssa. All feet. Their appearance in advertising media are, as I said, a guarantee that I won’t spend a cent with that advertiser, let alone a dollar. It staggers me that people would use what is arguably a body’s ugliest feature as a supposed attractant. I see print media adverts showing feet with the toes screwed on in the wrong order, toes pointing to all points of the compass, hammer toes, the totally puke-inducing French pedicure….
oh god I’m feeling sick.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I guess I can understand that. I’m not much of a foot person. Their practicality is enough for me to appreciate them, without looking at anyone’s to closely :)

The guy in the ad would have looked very uncomfortable (not to mention rude) if he’d had his shoes on…

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

too*

13 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Pssst – I don’t think that’a s guy, I think it’s Fiona of Toorak.

13 04 2010
Jo

I have the most freakish feet I’ve ever seen…I wish I could taunt you with them Sibyl

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Stop!
Hammer Toes!

doodoo de doot
de doot
de doot.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

aww c’mon?
can’t touch this?
anyone?
Hammer Toes?
sheesh.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Cack!

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

That is hilarious!

13 04 2010
Alarmed of Armadale

You guys need to get down to Melbourne and have a look at Costco.

It’s like an X-Treme Ikea, chock full of stuff to make fat bogans fatter. And Huge TVs and naff Jewellery too.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

TBL
I loved the article but the last line “taking a rumpus romp in her rumpa”, could maybe be improved :
“taking a rumpus romp in her rompa room rumpa” ??

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Oh Rompa (or is it Romper?) Room. That brings back memories.

Well one memory. I remember being freaked out by the lady that could see me through the television. It no longer gives me nightmares at least.

13 04 2010
Sten

Who said 1984 was a work of ficton? It would’ve been around the right time, too.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Sten,
Brave New World, deserves a mention too ?

13 04 2010
Sten

Sure, why not? Art immitates life, to an extent. The vast majority of the population exist for little other reason but to work, so that they can consume, consume, consume. The only difference is that Australian governments are very much in favour of fem-Bogues squirting out as many boaglets as their already hyper-distended uteruses can handle.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Sten,
Forgot Animal Farm.

13 04 2010
brad

dont forget-The Smurfs

13 04 2010
lauren

I LUUUUURVE Ikea to the Maxxxtreme.
When I was a poor struggling student (now Im just poor) my housemates and I would wander round, laughing at the arguing Bogan families (Think “Joshie, Madison, Mummy said no” and then hearing the sound of smashed glass) and having competitions as to who could find the most useless accessory, or the item with the funniest name.

Most of the time I left with a random kitchen item, a packet of 100 tealights and change from a $10 note.

Bargain!

13 04 2010
martin

I’ve never been to Ikea. I feel uncultured. But then again I always feel empty and angry whenever I go shopping, I usually arrive in a positive mood and all it takes is about 20 minutes and I’m pissed and want to get the fuck out of there. It must be the haughty attitude from the bogans and the status anxious pseudo yuppy investment property owning soccer mum 4WD’ing bogans and their country road husbands trying to outdo each other. Throw in a few gen y wiggers, ‘metros’, and emos, a few self entitled pensioners who then go back to their million dollar homes and a constant saturation of mindless consumerism of made in china garbage with in built obsolescence lasting about a year or two and I’m murderous.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Relax, you are amongst friends.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

*golf clap*
…spliff?

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby
golf clap
sounds like a nasty medical complaint
, does penicillen fix it?

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…ask Tiger?

13 04 2010
common man

..captalism at its finest at least the baby boomers had liquidy unlike todays nab,s

13 04 2010
Simon

Hey, that one almost makes sense, whats up CM, you feeling ok?

13 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. He’s adopting the old maxim, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

13 04 2010
common man

old adage to be pandetic

13 04 2010
Shirley M

pedantic?

I’m trying. I really am.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

I think he meant pandemic.

Yes you’re a plague common man, but until we have confirmed cases in three different countries, you can’t use that title.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Benji,
I will willingly cut him into three pieces and post some bits away to have him declared a pandemic.
Problem is the u n world health mob would take over and in no time 30 % of the people in the whole world would be infected.!
The english language has enough in the way of challenges from the septics where microsoft leads the charge to turn us into users of microlish.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

However, if the WHO takes over and there is enough panic, there will soon be a vaccine!

Fantastic.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

no. definitely Pandetic.
It means to be obtuse in extremis with intent towards juxtapositing oneself in an esoteric “polemic dramatis”

I think it’s originally a scandanavian term.
“Pǻñďētïĉ”

On topic!

13 04 2010
Mezz

Noticing your efforts Shirley M. You are a very brave one indeed.. I think the “moist baiting”needs to go up a level here though. We are dealing with a “Master Baiter” with cm after all. Once again, you’re a brave girl Shirl..

13 04 2010
Simon

Oh Mezz, you are a cunning linguist.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Obligatory joke regarding cunning linguists:

Isn’t it a bit wierd that you can be a cunning linguist using only your hands, but to be a master debater you need to use your mouth?

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Very :O
haha

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…weeellll
actually…
nah,
couldn’t be bothered.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

nah fuck it.
perhaps a masterbaker
only uses his hands?
a cunninglinguist by definition uses his tongue. even by snide innuendo.

either way I just can’t make a joke out of it.

but we got to say ‘cunning linguist’
*snort*
it always reminds me of
cunnilingus.

which is,
y’know…
doing it with your mouth,
on a lady.

y’know,
“down there”
;)

13 04 2010
Nelson Esq

I haven’t been in an IKEA store for years; last time I went it was the old Moorabbin (Melb) store, which I think is now gone (replaced by the Richmond store?). At Moorabbin, they use to have a kids play area, with a big rope cage full of plastic balls. All the bogans would drop their feral “ADHD” kids off at the play area before doing their lap of the store and then collecting the kids on the way out. Do they still have the ball cages?

The feral bogue children running amok amongst the plastic balls and beating the hell out of each other at 120db in their cage was always frightening. It always ended in tears when boganmum would yell at her off-spring when leaving, “C’mon Darren, we’re goin’ now. Get outta there and get in the bloody car!” Screaming match ensued…
*shudder*

13 04 2010
Tombarina

I went to Ikea on a mid-week day last year, and was amazed at the number of elderly people there. It was later explained to me that these were pensioners who go to Ikea a couple of times a week for the very cheap, filling food. It’s all they can afford.

The staff know this, and treat them with dignity.

It made me a very sad panda.

13 04 2010
common man

profits plus humane behaviour surely a goverment policy doomed to failure

13 04 2010
XtremeBoganHunter

Hello all!

Simply wonderful to find another site intent on discovering the true nature of your Bogan, Bogue, Bogette, and assorted other minor categories.

Point of order, out here in Boganvilla, (our widelife preserve for the study of bogans in their natural habitat), there has never been an Ikea, a Freedom, or the like. Therefore I submit that the Ikea style store is more likely to be favoured by Bogues (assuming the term is in use at this site), i.e Bogans with an income not derived from various Government departments.

Our bogan population is however attracted to Harvey Norman, as long as it’s a large store with plenty of “$hit” to sell, or the monolithic shopping cathedral that is Westfield Mall. The Mall has the added advantage of food featuring numerous chemicals and food dyes in the ingrediants list, and of course a place to desposit the little ones while Mom and Dad check out the $2 shop for items on sale.

It’s simply a delight to watch a herd of bogans peering wide eyed into the JB HiFi shop’s display of xtreme sized television sets, all able to be purchased on easy installment plan. Warning: do not startle the herd while it’s grazing at JB they react violently!

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

XtremeBoganHunter, do you spell “Mom” like that because of your north American heritage, or because you are an Australian who has been AmericaniZed?

13 04 2010
Sten

Nice one AlyssaKT… the Americanisation of Australian English is very close to the top of my list of pet peeves.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Thanks, Sten.
You have to spell it AmericaniZation though! (please)

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Don’t make me get all high and mighty over ‘ize’ and ‘ise’ again….

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Shirley you can’t be serious (haha)
Of course I am only using the Z because it’s AmericaniZe! :)

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

@AlyssaKT haha re Shirley you can’t be serious hehehe Funny!

Perhaps ExtremeBoganHunter’s use of “Mom” was ironic.

Pedant-iZm is a little *yawn*

13 04 2010
Shirley M

I realise that. I was referring to the fact that it is not absolutely correct that ‘ize’ is an americanisation.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

It’s not correct to pretend to glass cunts either but we think it’s funny ;)
I was just doing it for that word, due to the subject matter… :)

13 04 2010
Shirley M

Never mind.

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

da da da da da da, hey!

14 04 2010
Sten Mk II

don’t call me shirley.

13 04 2010
XtremeBoganHunter

Well color me red there AlyssaKT … over exposure to North American sites comes to mind as the only defense. 1, 2, 3 ….

Good point NS Mum <- got it right, clouds of tobacco smoke help you track the bogan to their shopping grounds … either that or the trail of rubbish they leave behind them.

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

You are correct Xtreeeeme Bogan Hunter, it is the same on the North Shore… no Ikea, but plenty of bogans in the Westfields, scarfin down crappy food, swearing at any chunt that dares looks at thier current root, and generally hanging around all day, smoking just out side the doors of the mall.

It has gotten so that normal people have to fight their way through a cloud of blue air and plumes of stinky cig smoke and run the gauntlet of Southern Cross Tats and micro minied muffin tops just to make it into DJ’s or Myer for that essential bit or bob!!!

13 04 2010
martin

JB is an interesting phenomenon. The bogan being tired of seeing bland and humiliated retail workers in uniforms not unlike something out of a gulag has opted to buy their made in china garbage off a bunch of young libtard hipsters sporting nose rings, tattoos, coloured hair and the like.

I for one see this as progress. The bogan and the libtard becomes closer and will hopefully come to the conclusion that they both suck and work together for a better world. Kind of how the Liberals and the Greens have both come to the conclusion that a “Big Australia” is a bad thing. Off course the Liberals are merely providing lip service and will continue to import hordes of people in order to keep the bosses of big business happy and in lavish unearned wealth.

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

I actually overheard the owner of a JB HiFi store, who at the time, was standing outside of his store talking to a chap who was obviously a Representative of one of the brands they sell, say ….

“Well it’s the school holidays next week, so the place will be full of Ferals (bogans) all chuckin money at us”

True story.

13 04 2010
martin

Funny that. Their employees are just typical bogans, much like most libtards, who may have had a fleeting relation with the tenants of liberal practice and ideology such as a shallow consideration of the Che Guevara icon, or a loyal viewing of The Chaser.

14 04 2010
Anonymous

Or they go into battle with each other and remove themselves from the gene pool.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

wow.
it’s like you read the whole blog man!

13 04 2010
Whiskey

You know, I hate IKEA as much as the next man, but it’s hardly fair to say this chain preys solely upon the Bogan market…

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Frūt
plåkt
Spůpersdörd
Gröegä
Smukta
tåkelpürp
Ǚnf
Ørpp
bored.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

chubby,
see what happens when you read common man?
your brain may end up like his, scrambled and underdone

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’m thinking of putting togather an elite squad of xtreme paintballers and going and hitting Ikea. we could time eachother through the store like a practical shoot. Just taking out bogans. no nannas or kiddies.

mad fun.
weapons free!

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
great idea but how bout loading the guns with swedish meatballs ?

13 04 2010
r.jett

paintball= bogan

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

pffft
Not if you’re hunting bogans.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Bogan paintballers hunt bogans.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Then I’m coming for you Benjamin.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

Aiiiieee.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Sorry.
The door was wide open.
:P

13 04 2010
brad

you dont wanna be in her cross-hairs brother,she’s ice cold and red hot! (big smile)

13 04 2010
Sten Mk II

was pretty much forced to play paintball for a work function thing, even though they knew i was in the Army and served in Timor, Iraq and Afghanistan. Long story short, no one at work likes me anymore.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Hohohohoho
Very funny Sten!

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

uh oh.
you brought your own weapons right?
I always do that!

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I have discovered Ama!

I now abhor violence.

Hugs for everybody.
:)

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Count me in too.

13 04 2010
Simon

Kiddies with mispelt names will be put down for their own good I would hope. I’m in.

13 04 2010
common man

what about the one,s who use coal/electric derived public transport then whine about euro3 emission cars?

13 04 2010
13 04 2010
common man

thanks alyssa but..substituted (i was born on a cross).. my grammar disgust to most matches jh lust or fi,s LOL. time to move on now

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

aha!

13 04 2010
Simon

Yep, them too CM.

13 04 2010
brad

count me in 200 ft per second -lethalish

13 04 2010
amr

Anyone seen this show…

http://www.ikeaheights.com/

13 04 2010
r.jett

Definately i would then say Gainsville is where the CUB male gets furniture. You only have to see the woman in the skimpy outfit to see the focus of it’s market…lol

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

Tsk Tsk TBL – How very Bogan… confusing ‘inexpensive’ with bogan.

Ikea furniture is fine if one needs a tres cheap and chic doo-dackie to store your bits in, wonderful for the uni student or those starting out – the flat pack notion whilst rather tedious, is quite efficient and green.

I agree the stores are overrun with Bogues and their screaming brats.. but let us not blame the poor Swedes for that, they can’t help it if your average bogue sees spending a day in a shopping mall (of any kind regardless of brand or affiliation) as a grand day out!

If you wanted to name a true bogan furniture store.. it HAS to be Fantastic Furniture.. absolutely zero redeeming features.. and Bogan to the maXXXXXXXxxxx

Fantastic costs half as much as IKEA i.e. it is the ‘inexpensive’ one. You even said yourself that IKEA is full of bogues and their offspring, then suggest that we’re wrong to suggest that bogans love IKEA? TBL

13 04 2010
Will S

Wrong entry… storing your bits in somoene’s doo-dackie was yesterday.

13 04 2010
Benjamin

*applause*

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

LOLThat actually made me snortle.

Oh my!!! I just discovered yesterday’s erm… Entry…. wowsers! I hasten to add that no-one is storing their bits in my doo dackie!!!

13 04 2010
Simon

So ….. you have spare storage then?

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

Sorry Simon, no spare storage here…

My storage unit is as neat and tidily occupied as a glossy Ikea catelogue! ;)

13 04 2010
Simon

Very good!

13 04 2010
Mezz

There aren’t any dogs in the catalogue are there?

13 04 2010
common man

NEAT =brazilian

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

Brazilian = Bogan = Not on my travelogue for this lifetime ;)

13 04 2010
brad

Im sure your travelogue is a lot more exotic than plain old Brazil

13 04 2010
Simon

CM, I did not know you were a perv, you dirty boy.

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Simon!

13 04 2010
XtremeBoganHunter

I noticed that as well. Strangely some woman from Toorak was very excited about the concept.

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

OOo commented on my first outing.. how exciting!!!

But back on topic, I conceed you do have a point with Ikea, I do however think there are more worthy recipients of the TBL Ire re furniture stores!

Those VILE Domayne Store would be even more worthy than poor old Fantastic in retrospect.

13 04 2010
accidie

NSM, why pick on Domayne and the miasma of pestilent evil it spreads over whole CUB communities, when you could vent your spleen – and any other bodily organ you can spare – on the boguest of bogue. Nick Scali, come on down.
As it were.

13 04 2010
North_Shore_Mummy

OH MY GOSH… how could I forget the HOIGHT of Sophistication that is Nick Scali!!!! Bogue Heaven… acres of white leather and shiny chrome bits!!!!

13 04 2010
toony

You are confusing Bogan with Wogan.

13 04 2010
maXam

what is a wogan?

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

a fully sick mate bogan

13 04 2010
maXam

I suspected as much.
That’s not very PC is it?

Are there other sub-sets of bogan?

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

New age bogans, cashed up bogans, bogues, bogasians, boguettes, femebogues, old school bogans… the only limit is your imagination…

13 04 2010
maXam

I think I may limit my imagination and just call them bogans.
Taxonomy seems pointless and has a distinct tang of bogue. Especially the “wogan” sub set. Of the examples you gave, it is the only one which implies a slur.
I might have thought it incongruous in this “salon of civic discourse”, but after yesterday’s eruption of the puerile and prurient I shall accept that there are a few turds in these otherwise soothing waters.

13 04 2010
common man

yep is was that milf seeping through soz

13 04 2010
accidie

I wince at doing so, but I must defend Fantastic. I buy bookcases more often than is strictly rational – I won’t throw books out and I won’t stop buying them. The most recent additions have come from Fantastic. They’re sturdy, pre-assembled – and therefore true (in the cabinetmaking sense), which my Ikea bookcases aren’t. (For God’s sake, my consort and I have five degrees in philosophy between us. Do you think for a moment we’re equipped to follow Ikea’s instructions?)
While Fantastic’s offerings look like crap when they arrive, a couple of coats of Black Japan lacquer does wonders for disguising their aesthetic faults.

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

It’s lucky you’re a hoarder – please don’t ever “throw books out”.
Either donate them or sell them to the second hand bookstores…

13 04 2010
Girl of Madness

Ikea is HUGE here in Hong Kong. Seven megastores, that go over 8 floors of a building. To exit you must go all the way to the 8th floor and then catch an elevator down to ground floor again. Then you walk through the ‘restaurant’ which doesn’t do Swedish meatballs. Oh no. Here you’ll have Swedish Chinese food which is crap to the EXXXtreme! Rice swimming in soya/salmon/dodgy shit sauce. Trying to buy a lamp and wanting to walk out the entrance to the store resulted in 4 staff members freaking out that the ‘foreigner’ didn’t know Ikea etiquette – one way traffic. AHHHH the memories!!!!! :)

13 04 2010
common man

dol-machy-toe..translated??

13 04 2010
Mezz

Nobody must get out of there alive!

13 04 2010
common man

no it was a curse that russel crowe once used in romp stomp.. sayonara

13 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

hong kong Ikea sounds like a special circle of hell.

13 04 2010
Bam

I have been to Ikea a few times. After the first time I worked out a system to use:
Enter the exit (not related to yesterdays post…). Straight away you can get a $1 hot dog. Check a list at the checkout for the number/Strange name of what you are after. Check the flat-pack area and see that its out of stock. Steal pencils. Eat one more $1 hot dog. GTFO. Spend afternoon relaxing instead of building a Klergberg with an allen key. Sweet.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

Benji,
Your comment about the text books disapearing so fast at Newtown.
One thing for sure
common man did not take them
or at least if he did he did not benifit

13 04 2010
common man

LOL.my NO: ich or knee fan

13 04 2010
AlyssaKT

there were plenty of pictures though!

13 04 2010
toony

They make amusing commercials though? :)

13 04 2010
brad

classic.

13 04 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter you booze hound. Ease-up on the Old Crow, pops.

13 04 2010
James Hunter

you will know when im “past it” …ifn its “old crone”

13 04 2010
d

I have been waiting for this post! Thank you.

13 04 2010
David

It’s lingonberry, retards.

13 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

It’s f*ckwit, david.

13 04 2010
common man

LOL.LOL.

14 04 2010
Simon

Ok, today the seventh circle of hell revists us. Hey Hey is back on Nein, will this be todays entry? I hope so coz then we can all spew forth deserved vitriol.

14 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

my god.
what is this abomination?
surely a sign of the last days…
My only hope is that it will perform abysmally and be cut before the third taping.
Perhaps Daryl Somers will then have the decency to take his career out behind the woodshed and shoot it. I strongly suspect he stuck his entire career up his nose and is desperate for a bit of super. The indignation of the man when the ‘original’ was cut was hilarious. Completely without hubris he seriously thinks he is australia’s premier television entertainer.

pffft!

14 04 2010
Simon

Chub, did you see the promo where they spliced together 2 1/2 men and Hey Hey, scary sh*t man. Daryl’s one joke ceased to be funny 30 years ago when it was a kids show, how does he get away with it?

14 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

blessedly I have avoided all exposure to it apart from it bannering the sideline of a footy game I watched. I believe it was St George bending the broncos over…
anyway.
I presume Blackman will be in tow?
it’s like vaudeville/carny.
I imagined people o/s seeing clips of the show when the ‘incident’ occurred and suffered a severe cringe cramp. y’know when you cringe so hard you put yer back out?
It damaged our international reputation waaay more than joining the coalition of the willing.

14 04 2010
Tombarina

We’re running a book on how long this carbuncled turd masquerading as entertainment will last.

Even taking into account the unfathomable appetite for all things stupid, unfunny and lobotomised (allegedly funny home videos, anyone?), I’m confident that it won’t make a second season.

And I’m praying that the first season doesn’t extend beyond tonight.

Chub’s right – these are the end times…..

14 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

“carbunkled turd”
*snort*

14 04 2010
Tombarina

…and it gets another outing on today’s page.

Yet, repetition a million times over would not come close to capturing the degree of loathing I harbour for this unmitigated shite.

I’ve produced more entertaining things out of my own nose.

14 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Seriously though…
TBL has to demystify this.
it’s beyond me.
“look kiddies, this is what we thought was funny when we were your age.”
surely this will trigger The Revolution?

14 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Surely it’ll be tomorrow’s?

14 04 2010
Sideshow

Simon we can treat them like the pupli kid, because nobody likes the pupli kid

14 04 2010
Sideshow

cbf there is no doubt the performance will be abysmal. The question is will the nein (haha) execs realise this in time to save us from this flaming turd.

14 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I think somers has fought long and hard for this.
they had “pilot”, he was begging and pleading the audience to that…
I think he mayhave “compromising evidence (photos or DNA perhaps) from a nein exec.

two weeks max.
or I’m moving to New Zealand.

14 04 2010
Simon

No they won’t. It will take the bogan at least 2 seasons before it realises why it stopped loving the show last time. The apocalypse is on us. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

14 04 2010
Phil

What a dreadful, god forsaken place. The only venue in Australia you see all races, religions, homosexuals and hetrosexuals, bogan and non bogans under one roof. All grabbing like flies on a shit to anything they can find.
Of course not even extending their brain to think of the fact that all this cheap timber is carved in a Chinese sweat shop.
My tip to my fellow hipsters: Get your shit from 2nd hand shops or independant carpenters because it’s better quality and more valueble.
Honestly if I wanted cheap sh*t from Ikea I my as well go to the Great Wall of China

11 10 2010
JLR

but hipsters love ikea :/

30 12 2011
Lara

It must be awful not being able to enjoy life and just go/shop/do as you wish for fear of judgment. I can’t imagine a life worrying what a bunch of people I don’t know think about where I shop! how sad!

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