The bogan is a beacon of tolerance. It is open to the cultures and traditions from parts of the world it has little understanding of, and enthusiastically embraces them without fear or favour. The bogan just wants to incorporate foreign cultures into the bogan Australian identity, and feels so fulfilled about doing so that it now has a cherished day of celebration for this process. The bogan calls this “Australia Day”, a day where it celebrates all of the things that it has stolen from other cultures, and attempted to claim native title on.
The bogan’s quintessentially Australian day starts early, with a true blue scene: some beers on the couch. The first record of beer being brewed was in ancient Mesopotamia in the 6th millennium BC. The bogan is familiar with modern day Mesopotamia, for it is mainly Iraq. The couch rose to prominence 2000 years ago, when an African named Cleopatra considered it a good way to relax. The term “true blue” most likely originated 500 years ago in Coventry, England, where cloth dyers made good blue fabric.
The bogan will then briefly listen to the Hottest 100 countdown. In the last two years, it voted a British and an American band as its respective Australia Day favourites. Who will it be this year? Phoenix from France? More British Muse? The British Mumford & Sons? Bored with listening to songs it doesn’t normally hear on Triple M, the bogan returns to the couch with a beer. A bogan could not point out the Czech Republic on a map, but Czechs out-Australianise the bogans by drinking 40% more beer.
There’s a cricket match on TV, a sport invented by the English in the 1500s. Australia is playing the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, where cricket was being played half a century before the First Fleet arrived in Sydney. Displeased with the difficult to pronounce Pakistani names ruining his Australia Day, the bogan becomes restless and hungry. Barbie time.
The term Barbeque is derived from Barabicu, which means “sacred fire pit” in the language of inhabitants of the Bahamas prior to 500 years ago. The bogan will place some Aussie lamb on the BBQ, a species first farmed and domesticated in Iraq. It washes down the lamb with more beer. By now, the bogan is feeling really dinky di. Scholars are split as to whether the term dinky di was adopted from Chinese goldminers “Ding kam” (meaning “top gold”), or from the East Midlands region of England, meaning “hard work”.
By this time of day, the bogan is full of beer, Mumford & Sons has won the Hottest 100, and his dinkum trusty dog has taken to pulling lamb chops off the Barbie with its teeth, just like the bogan’s dad’s dog used to do. There is 8,000 year old archeological evidence of domesticated dogs in China. Exhausted after all that patriotism, the bogan scuttles to its Chinese mattress and passes out. It has been a very big and nationalistically satisfying Australia day for the bogan, who has once again successfully defended his unique way of life from the onslaught of immigrants.