#49 – Faux Lesbianism

16 12 2009

Almost everything the bogan does revolves around drawing attention to itself. Be it the highest hair, the most garish Ed Hardy t-shirt, the most fluorescent laces on its shiny new Dunlop Volleys, the biggest guns or the largest sunglasses, the bogan is living a constant audition to be a contestant on Big Brother. In particular, the bogan has a narrower focus on attracting the attention of the opposite sex.

As this sartorial and behavioural arms race continues to escalate, ambitious bogans are being forced to revert to ever-more outrageous activities in order to stand out. While the male bogan continues to embrace sheer muscular bulk and gaudy attire, his female counterpart has realised that the male couldn’t give two shits about what she was wearing. She had to stand out by emphasising her sexual availability.

This is not as easy as it once was. In the early days, it was a simple matter of wearing revealing clothes, which is harmless enough. Then came the commodification of Playboy, entrenching in the bogan mind a notion of the feminine ideal that spawned from the syphilis-ridden mind of an 83 year old lothario. But shortly thereafter, bogans discovered internet porn, and Pandora’s box was well and truly opened.

Suddenly, the male bogan’s definition of ‘sexy’ devolved to one of two definitions: “fake-tittied blonde copping a tag team from a pair of oversized bouncers/porn stars” or “chicks making out/strapping on.” In the absence of societal acceptance of breaking out sex toys in public, bogan girls began slamming their tongues down each others’ throats with an enthusiasm that their potential paramours found all the more intoxicating for its insecurity and desperation. It gets even better as it allows the bogan to promote the appearance of the acceptance of homosexuality without ever having to condone two guys, you know, doing it. Or ugly chicks.

Today, the faux-lesbian encounter tends to happen about five cruisers into a 10 cruiser and half-bottle of Jack Daniels night. The bogan male, stalking its appealingly tandem prey, waits until many more of those 10 cruisers have disappeared, before making its move. Gently, wordlessly, he guides the now-malleable faux-lesbian femme bogans to an upstairs bedroom, before attempting to perform an (albeit confusing) one-man Chinese finger trap on one or both. All too often, the evening ends with the male bogan covertly performing The Stranger on itself in a nearby carpark.


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49 responses

16 12 2009
edinburgh

I know this isn’t the right topic but I thought I’d highlight something I saw today – ‘womb portraiture’. Right there on a big billboard just outside of Edinburgh – 3D images of your unborn baby with different backgrounds, photoshopped etc. Perfect for the family this Christmas! One baby was in an underwater scene – appropriate for the mantle I think!

Anyway, faux-lesbianism has been going on for a while but it seems more popular these days. There was an early 90s song from some Australian artist called ‘I Kissed a Girl’, long before Katy Perry.

Fighting for Womens Rights – Totally worth it.

16 12 2009
Lis

It was Jill Sobule. She’s American.

16 12 2009
Dee

Lipstick Lesbians – they were around in the 90s, but it was more of the hipster crowd getting into it. It’s taken the bogans about 15 years to catch on.

16 12 2009
Kat

Huh? Bogans were doing this more than 15 years ago. The dance pash. It didn’t mean anything because it was on the dance floor.

16 12 2009
Dee

I must have been hanging out in the wrong bogan dance clubs, then.

16 12 2009
Andy

Whereabouts in Edinburgh? T’would be geared towards the Hibee chavs I imagine.

16 12 2009
Josh

It’s worth noting the double standards that go with this. It’s okay for two girls to kiss but not two guys! Just look at all the fuss made over the Adam Lambert thing in the US.

16 12 2009
Kaiks

The more butch lesbians are not appreciated either and transgender are just freaks.

20 03 2010
Steve

There was actually lost of fuss made over Madonna and Britney too.

16 12 2009
Pete

Love the concluding sentence, sums up these “wankers” perfectly.

16 12 2009
Tubesteak

Now that was a better return to form. Much better than the moral high ground and baseless superiority complex of faux intellectuals.

I hope to see an article in the bogan love of the property investment market

16 12 2009
Frazer

great idea, complete infatuation.

16 12 2009
berihebi

As much as it may be a bogan phenomenon I’m still not convinced that we should be doing anything to deter women from lesbianism.

The exhibitionist, attention-hungry faux-lesbianism, or the geniune lesbianism where the ladies will never crave a gent again? TBL

16 12 2009
Anonymous Bosch

In Bogan minds, Lesbians still *crave* dick, particularly theirs, because they are only lezzing out because they haven’t met the right man who can satisfy them yet. They all assume they’re that man. Any makeout sessions between two chicks will instantly turn into total awestruck adoration / obsession with his erect penis, if presented to them.

16 12 2009
Shandarleeer

You can usually spot the fake because most real lesbians a) own a garlic crusher, b) avoid long fake fingernails with diamonte’s attached. Of course a real sister can do as she pleases in order to breakdown societies preconceptions about their femininity / gender and sex. Only a bogan faux wouldn’t be able to articulate this if she had to.

16 12 2009
Tone

That, and the CD stacker in their Subaru Forester is crammed full of k.d. lang.

21 01 2010
mlambie

Subaru ran an ad campaign a while back using the line “it’s not a choice”, in reference to all their cars having all-wheel drive as standard. They had some subtitles in the ads, like two male mountain bikes on a roof-rack, but only one tent.

So in this case, your stereotype is well founded :)

16 12 2009
Kaiks

I do get a laugh out of the faux lesbians, one is always more willing to go a bit further than the one who is scared of being gay.

16 12 2009
Bogan 101

@edinburgh:

That is just one more manifestation of one of the primal bogan drives to self-memorialise both themselves and their brood. You can see it as bogans struggle with tracing their family past, photograph everything, EVERYTHING, that happens to them and subsequently post it on Facebook, Tweet the most banal of happenings, and attempts to find meaning by locating themselves in the historic moment which to the bogan equates to having a photograph of themselves on the turf of Etihad Stadium when ‘Buddy’ kicked his hundredth goal.

16 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

I’m not to sure why words were actually required in this blog when the photo of Madonna and Britney says it all. When these two pop tarts, idolised by old and new fem-bogues everywhere, kissed on live television, it started faux lesbian as the latest bogan trend.

It goes to show what little IQ bogans have when they want to copy Madonna (Aawww, I love Madonna coz she’s so sophistication and that!) and that train-wreck Britney Spears. Then again, a bogan would see nothing wrong in how Britney is as a mother…sigh….

16 12 2009
Lee

You must be young.
Madonna has been doing this stuff for years, and half her luck she picked up a piece of twenty something snatch (Brittney).

17 12 2009
Indi

Madonna has been attention-seeking for thirty years. I think that’s deserves emphasis rather than ‘Sex’ and her dalliance with Sandra Bernhard. And if you think anything actually happened between MacDonna (she’s everywhere) & Britney, you are easily fooled.

17 12 2009
M E Nelson Esq

You’re right, she has been doing this stuff for years, but she used to do it to coke bottles and gay back-up dancers back then. Remember the Sex book from about 1990. Only a bogan would have stumped up the $50 for that trite!
And I’m not that young. I’m old enough to remember the time when all bogans were the one stereotype; the mullet headed, Wini blue smoking, head banging, flannel wearing, uneducated dipshit who drove their the Holden V8 shaggin’ wagon to the beach, where along with Dazza and Shazza, become a public nuisance by playing AC/DC loudly on the ghetto blaster and becoming abnoxiously drunk on Melbourne Bitter, drunk out of the old 750ml elephant cans. When he’d go swimming in his tight black footy shorts, he’d need rescuing (because bogans never learned to swim properly…just enough to be able to get to side of the pool after doing a bomb off the 1 meter springboard at the local pool) by the lifesavers, who’d he had berated earlier in the day for looking like “fucking poofters” in their speedos and red and yellow caps.
Ahh the good old days…now we have to put up with Nouveax Bogans, who try to disguise themselves as normal people…

16 12 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

Josh, I think the point of this whole story is that the pashing part is actually not seen as “ok” and all this high pitchrf whineing about “Adam Lambert couldnt do it but girls can” misses the point that many people actually dont get into seeing either side making a display of themselves with same sex pashing.

16 12 2009
Muz

I’m all for gay marriage as long as both chicks are hot!

21 01 2010
mlambie

I prefer “if you don’t want gay marriage, don’t have one.”

16 12 2009
Lee

This has been going on for years.
Spend a weekend out in the city (sydney) and you will see that it is fashionable to be queer in one way or another.

17 12 2009
Shandarleeer

Fashionable as in being bashed for no reason except some fuckwit’s insecurity, being called faggot by cars full of coward arseholes driving past quickly (but never on their own), fashionable as in lesbians being threatend with rape to show ‘em what they are missing. Fashionable as in being disowned by redneck families for being true to yourself.
Nice analysis Lee. and big fat juloppies.

17 12 2009
Beck

Almost as insensitive as laughing at a grieving bogan mother’s Facebook post about her dead 15-week-old son (http://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/48-the-corbys). Glass houses, Shandarleeer.

18 12 2009
Shandarleeer

“She sure is” Laughing??? – I think every comment I made in that post ended with woot-woot!!, which is related to the first comment i made.

18 12 2009
Beck

Oh dear. You really can’t see it. Never mind, then.

18 12 2009
Shandarleeer

Of course I see it. What I cant find is the right word to describe your last comment. Patronising? condescending? well meaning mmmmmmmmm, shake head, heave bosom, mmmmmmmmm.Self-righteous resignation…..Poor “bogan mother”

Maybe what we were commenting was the bizarre nature of her expression of grief, not the grief itself. To post a statement as she did on face-book, wedged between posts about going to the movies and being stuck in traffic is bizarre.

I can see some would consider a line was crossed by commenting on this, fair enough.

18 12 2009
Paddington

Restraint can be mistaken for condescension, but is always preferable to pantomime-heavy reaction. Trawling through an individual’s public-by-accident Facebook wall and passing gleeful (and global) assessment on an aspect such as this – regardless of how one personally regards the context – is quite simply poor form. To mangle others’ words, the measure of an individual’s degree of civilisation is by how they treat the most vulnerable, and a grieving mother writing about an infant lost qualifies as “most vulnerable” – bogan or not.
Now, shall we all move on?

18 12 2009
Beck

Restraint can be mistaken for condescension, but is always preferable to pantomime-heavy reaction. Trawling through an individual’s public-by-accident Facebook wall and passing gleeful (and global) assessment on an aspect such as this – regardless of how one personally regards the context – is quite simply poor form. To mangle others’ words, the measure of an individual’s degree of civilisation is by how they treat the most vulnerable, and a grieving mother writing about an infant lost qualifies as “most vulnerable” – bogan or no.
Now, shall we move on?

17 12 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

I dont disagree.I think people who go “gay bashing” have some serious gay denial issues going on, otherwise it makes no sense.It is interesting to note that many men who have been in the habit of gay bashing/murder were known to get into gay sex behind closed doors.I deeply distrust anyone who hates gays a little too much.A little self acceptance and we can all live in a bit more peace.

17 12 2009
Lee

Umm, who said anything about bashing, or hurling abuse or being threatened with rape?
It was simply an observation with no intention of ill feelings, yet reading your rant it seems as though you have your own issues that need to be addressed.

18 12 2009
Shandarleeer

Yeah, I guess there are issues to address. When you have experienced being gay bashed, it becomes a sensitive issue. Comments reducing your life to being “fashionable” and other statements such as “nobody wants to see same-sex pashing” will always get a response. I guess I could say nothing, but what would change then?

18 12 2009
Lee

I’m sorry if you found my remark demeaning as that wasn’t the intention, I’m also sorry you had to endure being bashed on accord of your sexuality.
It’s a horrible thing to happen and the cunts that do this sort of shit aren’t worth the air they breathe but there is a lot of people who unfortunately encounter this crap, not just gay people.
Twice as a teenager I got bashed by groups of lebs, simply for being a “skip” and being on my own in the wrong place at the wrong time. It really isn’t that different.

18 12 2009
Shandarleeer

No problem, it’s easy to be oversensitive when things are typed and you cant see facial expression, hear intonation of voice etc. Appreciate your reply though. Lets get back to enjoying this site which is why we all visit.

17 12 2009
rosewal

Read this yesterday and found the following today: http://www.thehighdefinite.com/2009/12/be-careful-what-you-ask-for/

18 12 2009
Indi

Is this also telegraphing a post on Awards- MTV, Logies, ARIA, Bronlows, Oscars, local footy club, school speech night ad infinitum et nauseam?

19 07 2010
Anya

I’d like to see one of these man-pleasing wannabes take on a big, beautiful, butch dyke. Then I’ll believe they’re lesbians.

2 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Old post, but I discovered something yesterday. A fem-bogue acquaintance (well, I was doing her while she was going out with one of my mates and shagging another guy on our footy team – clarsy, huh? I only did her a couple of times in exchange for doing her Year 12 biology report for her) recently changed her Facebook profile pic to one of her pashing some other girl on the dance floor. Do I ignore, mock directly or mock indirectly?

7 09 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

Come on you carnts. She just went back to this pic. Help me.

8 09 2011
moar caek

just say “whatevar
and make a pffft noise.

7 09 2011
Fiona of Mount Lawley

Ignore, It is really about how clarsy you are, not how much (or little) anyone else is. That is just my opinion, however.

7 09 2011
Ash - Glassin' Carnts While Holdin' Up The Taj Mahal

If it’s about clarss, then mock directly it is.

I posess about as much clarss as an Ed Hardy store.

7 09 2011
Pandabater

In that case your only option is to offer yourself as the filling in a
Ash on dyke with extra dyke sandwich.

8 09 2011
moar caek

or we’ve got the Ash and dyke, with dyke, dyke, dyke, double dyke and dyke….
…that’s not got much dyke in it…

(yes, I was that Nerd: “And did the Messiah not say ‘Wherever two or more are gathered in my name they shall perform the Parrot Sketch’ ? ” [All intone] …)

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