Perhaps the bogan’s obsession with attaining toys as a grown adult can be explained as an effort to address the lingering trauma of having been denied them as a child, or, conversely, as a direct result of having been given everything it cried, kicked and bit hard enough for. What’s certain is that when it developed from its larval state to its full-grown adult form, the bogan’s appetite for toys only got stronger and more reliant on the depletion of our planet’s petroleum resources.
Much like his anthropological forebears, one of the defining experiences for the nouveau bogan is being at the controls of a vehicle over 100 times more powerful than function strictly requires. But in comparison to the proto-bogan, satisfied with merely speeding his Falcon GT and possibly lighting ‘em up within earshot of some bogan skirt, one of the modern bogan’s greatest achievements has been hugely expanding the options for satisfying his impulse to consume genocidal quantities of fossil fuels. Power boats, dirt bikes, four wheelers, go-karts, dune buggies, generators, asphalters, bobcats, bonfires – the rule is, if you can put petrol in it, the new bogan loves it, will get it on credit and disregard all operational manuals in effecting its prompt destruction.
While his father may have gotten his bogan on by leaving a beach strewn with empty tinnies and Winfield butts, and pissing in clear sight of nearby families, today’s bogan takes beach-based obnoxiousness to new levels with the introduction of the jet ski. Not only can today’s bogan show off his appalling trailer-reversing technique (extra bogan points if a petrol-powered device comes with its own trailer,) but upon firing it up, he can shower those nearby with oil-smeared water and black smoke, and crucially, emit a noise so obscenely loud it aurally bludgeons the entire coastline into a hasty retreat. Thus he achieves the holy trinity of bogan – air pollution, water pollution and sound pollution. In this heightened state, our subject utilises the rest of the afternoon exhibiting his proficiency for bogans’ enduring contribution to motorsport – the doughnut – upon the novel canvas of water.